Being Kendra (16 page)

Louis is very serious about dancing, but I cracked jokes and fooled around on the reality part of the show during the rehearsals because that’s how I deal with being nervous in a new situation. But on the third day of rehearsals he was upset with me because I wasn’t serious.

There was a move called the
ronde,
where you straighten your leg and point your foot and do a rainbow-type movement, but he kept pushing me to do it higher and higher. I said, “I can’t do it. I don’t have any balance!” He said, “Just do it!” So I tried and I tried. But I just couldn’t nail it. I tried again and again, but keeping my leg that high in the air threw off my shaky balance, and each time I stumbled to the side. Finally, Louis had enough and he snapped at me! It was the third day and already he’d snapped at me for not doing it right. That shut me up and I was like, “What the hell did I sign up for? Why is this guy screaming at me?” I thought the way he yelled at me was inappropriate. And I just started to cry. But I didn’t want to be seen as the crier of the show or like I was fighting with my partner after the first week, so I turned it into something else. I blamed the crying on being uncomfortable with my body, saying, “I don’t feel like a girl!” But I really cried because he snapped at me so bad. I didn’t know how I would recover from that third day.

I cried to Hank; I cried myself to sleep. Being a mom was hard enough. Going on this show and trying to dance for twenty-three million people perfectly was even harder. Now when I left home and went to the “office,” there was even more stress to deal with.

Louis was tough on me and Hank could tell it was bugging me. Hank said he’d go talk to Louis and shape him up, but I held him back. I said, “Hank, let me fight my battles. I can handle it. Maybe Louis will change.” But he never changed.

We clashed constantly. He called me dyslexic, asked me if I was learning-disabled, called me ADD. He found my insecurities and would use them against me to criticize me . . . He made me feel so little. From that day on I stopped laughing. I started being serious and then the producers, realizing I had lost some of my personality, tried to get me to be funny again, but I was putting my head down and focusing on the task at hand. Rehearsals were hard work and I had no idea that it would be such a challenge. The intimacy between us wasn’t there naturally either. It was hard to give all I had to someone I couldn’t get along with. I just didn’t feel comfortable in his arms. And it’s hard to perform when you have no passion toward the person you’re performing with. I’m not saying I didn’t like him—I’m sure he’s a nice guy off the dance floor—but I never wanted to know him because we clashed so much
on
the dance floor.

I felt like my start on
Dancing
with
the
Stars
was cursed. First I got paired with Louis, then on the first dance night they did my hair in literally my worst hairdo of all time. I put all my trust in the ABC hair and makeup people and the next thing I knew I had bright blue eye makeup that matched my bright blue dress and big curly hair. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t recognize myself. I looked more like an extra from
The
Lion
King
! It was my first episode of
Dancing
with
the
Stars
in front of twenty-three million viewers, and I was nervous. The last thing I needed was hair that looked like a giant zoo animal and makeup like RuPaul’s.

I panicked and cried and didn’t know what to do because it was too late—I had to be on air, live, within minutes. I thought, “Oh, shit, this is over. I look like a mess and people are going to laugh at me and not vote for me.” I’m a conspiracy theorist, huge, and I really thought they did that to me because they wanted me to lose. They had a hairstyle on me originally that worked, but they took it down because the producer made them take it down. I had found a fan in the production team and turned him into a snitch, who informed me about some of the inner workings of the show and the decision-making process. He told me that the hair switch came from an “order” from a producer.

There is always drama with me, I know that. But this was bad. I don’t ask for drama. It’s not my fault they did that to my hair. I try to be laid-back and hands-off, not overbearing. If they had done a decent hairstyle, I wouldn’t have said anything. I sat in hair and makeup for hours, and I wasn’t even paying attention. They’d ask me what I wanted and I’d say, “I don’t care. Whatever you think.” I try to be an easy person to deal with, an exception to the Hollywood rule, but maybe I shouldn’t be that way.

The rest of the cast came from all different backgrounds and there were a million different personalities. The best part of being on the show for me was the opportunity to get to know so many cool people who I would never have met otherwise. Hollywood’s a tough town, so if you’re on a show with a group of other celebrities and you have a chance to forge a lasting relationship, you do it. Kirstie Alley and I clicked right off the bat. We are two people who hate smoke being blown up our asses. I love that about her. She knows what’s real and she doesn’t hide her emotions. It was amazing watching her lose weight so fast; literally each week she lost a size. She has a diet endorsement deal now because of it. And even though America thought she was having a good time with Maks, he was very hard on her and very strict, because that’s the way he does it. And it shows how strong Kirstie is because she handled it gracefully. I would have cried and run and slapped him, but she was so superhuman to laugh and put up with him. But a lot of times I would go over to her and just say, “Good job,” because sometimes that’s all someone needs to hear. Luckily Kirstie and I have similar personalities in that we don’t care what other people think of us, so she didn’t let the Maks stuff get to her.

Wendy Williams, on the other hand, was a little hard to talk to. She’s funny and seems outgoing, but whenever I tried to talk to her and be friendly, she wasn’t really having it. Everybody else tried too, but she didn’t really want to be involved in any mingling or any talking. I guess she was busy. She did her own thing, but the rest of us knew we were on a show together, so why not try to get to know one another better?

I’ve been on Wendy’s show before, so it’s not like we didn’t know each other. But my life is an easy target. A talk show host’s job is to drum up interest and make a conversation exciting. The last time I was on her show, she was kind of offensive to me. The sex tape had just come out and she was the only one out of all the media who said any negative thing to me about it. Most people, especially if they were having me as a guest on their show, were supportive. But not Wendy. She made a comment about Hank and said, “He needs to get a divorce before the new football season starts.” I was like, “Wow, okay.” I didn’t really know how to respond. That sat with me forever; I can’t look past that. To have someone say to your face that your husband should divorce you because of something horrible someone did to you a long time ago—even to suggest that—is totally out of line. Even with that I was still trying to be cordial on
DWTS
. Behind the scenes I would be like, “Hey, Wendy, how are you doing?” I would offer her a drink backstage or just try to make small talk. Especially on the results show, when all we do is stand around for a few hours. I tried so hard to break the ice. I wasn’t trying to get anything out of it; I’m the person who wants to make everyone else happy.

Brooke Burke and I gravitated toward each other the most. She was down-to-earth and gave the best advice. She was like the mom or therapist, and she’d pat people on the back and ask if they were okay. Having her and Tom Bergeron around was great because they knew the show and the deal backward and forward. Of course, Brooke won herself a few years ago! Tom was awesome and is probably the most fun part of the show. Ten years down the road, when I look back at
DWTS,
hanging out with him will stand out as one of the best experiences to come out of it. It’s such a stressful show and he is so relaxed and so funny, he made me feel like it was okay to be myself. Everyone takes that competition so seriously, but Tom was always there to crack a joke.

This was a big-production show. It was twenty times bigger than my show, with dozens of cameras and hundreds of production staffers. There was no slacking on this show and there were no mistakes. On my show, you make a mistake and they just film it again. But
DWTS
was very highly produced, and I didn’t want to mess up in front of the
DWTS
people. It was very stressful because they were constantly giving us feedback and comparing us to one another—who had the best dancing, who gave the best interview, who had the most interesting backstory this week. I was used to being in control of what’s used, but this was different. I had no say in the story line. So I was constantly wondering, “How will they play me? How will they use me?” Overall, I was happy with how they portrayed me, even though they made me the whiny person—and yes, I complained a lot, but they also showed me crying in spots when I wasn’t actually crying. But hey, there was a lot to cry about!

Chelsea Kane and I really “blonded” on
DWTS
. (
© Michael Desmond/American Broadcasting Companies, Inc.
)

Luckily, there were very sweet people on the show, like Chelsea Kane from the Disney Channel. I consider her my little sister now. She was so cute and she has so much heart and soul. She’s an amazing girl. She’s just getting started in her career and I’m so happy for her. Any chance I got I talked to her, because she wasn’t the least bit jaded or affected. I’m like, “Look, Chelsea, I know you don’t need anybody, you don’t need a mentor in life, but I’m just letting you know this Hollywood life is not always going to go the way you want it to go. If you ever need anyone to talk to, I’m here.” I don’t want to see a young girl getting taken advantage of. It happened to me a million times and I never had anyone who said, “Call me if you get in trouble.” I wanted her to know that if she ever needed anyone, I’d be that person. I told her, “I’m not trying to be a therapist, but if at any time you get to that point where you look in the mirror and you say, ‘What am I doing? Who am I trying to be?’ call me. Just call me, because I will talk to you and let you know how I got through it. I’m here for you, girl. I want to see you succeed. You have so much heart and soul. You have so much potential.” It would have been nice if Wendy or someone was like that to me. Since the show ended, Chelsea and I have remained close. We talked about her coming on my show, and I even put her in touch with Hef, because who knows, maybe one day she’ll pose for
Playboy
and break out of the child star mold!

I also got to know Sugar Ray Leonard. He is one awesome guy. I picked his brain every chance I got because I’m a huge fan of his. Every single time I had the chance I wanted to sit by him and talk to him because he’s so interesting. He’s a world-famous legend. I’m sure he couldn’t care less about Kendra Wilkinson, but I was so into Sugar Ray Leonard because I relate to the life of a boxer—getting knocked down and having to get back up and bearing the scars of a million punches. He’s all about his prerogative and he’s all about “Mind your business and I’ll mind mine.” That’s a boxer’s life and that’s mine too. I’ve lived a very public life, and that’s why I was so interested in getting to know Sugar Ray Leonard, because he became famous for fighting and hitting people. I became famous because I was a magazine publisher’s girlfriend. The best advice he gave me was “Don’t listen to what other people say about you.” He told me about weathering the storm and how mean people are when you become famous. He said when he retired and tried to make a comeback, everyone called him “old.” They said he was too old to be boxing. He said that really hurt his feelings, and he reminded me that celebrities have feelings too, even boxers. It’s good to be reminded that there are a lot of normal, sweet celebrities out there with big hearts.