Beginning with Forever (35 page)

“Fuck me harder, Dr. Stevens!”
she screamed to urge him to give everything he has for her. “I need you.” No matter how hard I tried to stop them, I couldn’t. She never noticed my presence in the room. I dropped to floor and buried my head in my palms. When I lifted my head up, I found myself locked in a dark room all alone.

The
horrible memories from my nightmare continue to haunt and torture me as I sit here nervously waiting for Lil to come out. I pour myself a glass of bourbon and pick up the newspaper. I finally hear the curtain slide to the side, and then she makes her way towards me. Not knowing exactly what to say to her at this awkward moment, I decide to hide cowardly behind my newspaper. She takes her seat next to me and fastens her seatbelt. “I’m sorry,” is all I quietly say to her behind my paper as I sit and sulk to myself.

My
insecurity of leaving Lily in St. Croix without me is peeling my soul away layer by layer, until there’s nothing left but fear. The fear of losing her and returning to my former life is enough to make me stupidly desperate. Hell, I don’t know what to do. I’ve already offered her a life with me in Boston, but her stubbornness and determination won’t allow that to happen. I can’t ask her to marry me yet because she’d probably run as far away from me as possible if I push her too aggressively.

With her
tenderness and beauty, she’ll have plenty of men seeking her attention when I’m gone. And then there’s Richard, he won’t have any interferences from me and plenty of time to win her over. Honestly, I shouldn’t even think like this because it’ll drive me fucking crazy when we part. I should believe in us wholeheartedly and trust her, but who am I fooling? There’s no way I can handle another four years like this. I’m Carson Bradley, I don’t rely on probabilities. I want confirmation. I hate being underhanded, but she has left me no choice.

I
’ll have Owen call in a favor for me. He’s a former Special Ops Navy SEAL and has many military-government connections. This was how he was able to obtain a full-detailed report for Lillian, from birth to medical records, report cards to traffic violations. If I know her every move, it’ll give me some peace of mind and a sense of security. I’m only spying on her because I love her, not because I’m an obsessive asshole. I mentally justify to myself. She already knows how much I want her with me.

I
fight the stabbing impulse to ask Carson about his dream. It’s shredding me up inside, thinking about it. What could have possibly upset him this terribly? He’s normally unaffected by anything. This is a fragile side of him I’ve never seen. But I shouldn’t pry; it’s not worth him reliving his nightmare, especially since it was so disturbing to him.

We sit
quietly next to each other with our seatbelts securely fastened. Carson has remained remote since we left his private cabin. He hasn’t uttered more than several words to me. Actually, just two to be exact, ‘I’m sorry.’ His face is hidden behind the
Wall Street Journal
, purposely avoiding me. It’s awfully frustrating for me to decipher his mood right now. I’m not sure if I should talk to him or leave him alone.

I skittishly look out the
small jet window to distract my attention from Carson, who’s still preoccupied behind his newspaper. I see endless blue ocean water and then lush green land below light celestial clouds. Soon, I’ll be back on the island alone. The thought of not having him near, saddens me. I want to hang on to him for as long as possible.

The captain’s voice projects overhead, announcing that we’ll be arriving at our destination soon, and he’ll be prepping for landing.
Carson folds his paper up and then considerately places his hand over mine, knowing it’ll help settle my nerves. It’s become an appreciated routine for me. Finally, he’s back with me. His hazel eyes stare deeply into mine, expressing unspoken emotions to me. I hopelessly want to understand, tell him everything will be fine, but fail him miserably. I utter nothing and neither does he.

The minute the jet door open
s for our exit, I spot a mob of photographers in the far distance. What’s going on? Why are they snapping non-stop pictures of us? Owen cautiously exits first. Carson protectively drapes his arms around me and shields my face with his newspaper as we walk towards the limo. We swiftly hop in and close the door behind us to avoid any more exposure to those eager paparazzi.

“
Damn it! Lily, I’m so sorry about this. I should’ve been more discreet about you, about us. My infatuation with you has clouded my judgment. These assholes aren’t going to leave you alone, now that they’ve discovered your location.” He’s angry with himself, clenching his jaw and fists tightly. Could this have been the reason for his unpredictable mood? It’s hard to say. I’m always second-guessing him because of his ever changing temperament.

“You mean
they’re going to follow me everywhere? Can they legally do that?” Panic suffocates me, thinning the air around me. I’m a private person. I don’t want anyone to know my business. “They’ll interfere with my schooling,” I gripe, tugging at my sweatshirt sleeves.

Carson
becomes more distressed by the minute as he watches me go through several stages of anxiety. I couldn’t hide it no matter how hard I tried. He attempts to comfort and prepare me for what’s to come—the ugly truth. “Lil, they’ll eventually find another target and move on, but until then, promise you’ll be strong for me. They’ll print hurtful things about you; things we both know aren’t true. You can’t let it get to you. Just remember you’re the only one I want. There’s no one else.” I nod my head somberly in submission, feeling uncertain that I can be strong for him. I miss my simple life. I hate being the center of any attention, especially bad attention. It’s undoubtedly certain that my life will never be the same again, with or without Carson.

Carson
chaperones me to my dorm room. Amelia excitedly races over with her arms wide open to give me one of her big bear hugs. It feels good to be around her and in my comfort zone. I crave for my boring normalcy. “I’ve missed you, Lily. I was here all by my lonely self since you and Richard left the island for break.” Carson’s expression quickly switches from delighted to disgusted as soon as Amelia mentions Richard’s name. I hate that he feels so much animosity for Richard, but I understand his reasoning. The sound of Bianca’s name has the same effect on me as well.

“Hi Carso
n, it’s good to see you also,” Amelia thoughtfully adds without offering him her cuddly bear hug. He gives her a friendly nod and his usual stern smile.

“
You have no idea how much I miss you, Ame. We have a lot of catching up to do.”

Carson clear
s his throat and says, “I have something for you Lily.” He hands me a little gift bag and looks suggestively over to my shelf.

“I hope y
ou still have a place for it,” he tells me in an unsure tone. It’s a dark picture frame with our photo from the row boat, same as the one in his office.

“
There’s one more item in there.” I reach in and pull out a memory stick with a ‘Carson’s Playlist’ tag attached to it. Cute. I’m curious to hear what songs he’s picked for me. I’m a huge believer in the power of music. Some people say it’s powerful enough to heal the soul. Maybe Carson believes in this, too. Maybe he’s hoping to incite memories of us through these songs he’s specifically selected for me. His attention to detail never ceases to amaze me.

I place
Carson’s beautiful frame on the shelf next to my other cherished picture. The smile on his face tells me he’s happy with the location. “What a perfect spot for it!” he playfully exclaims and tugs me into his arms. A modest kiss is placed on my lips instead of his usual knee-buckling one due to his respect for Amelia’s presence.

“
You’re one in a billion, Carson Bradley,” I whisper to him and grin.

His charming smile gr
ows wider. “And so are you, baby. I know you have a lot of catching up to do with your friend, so I won’t keep you long. If it’s okay with you, I’d like to come back later tonight for a goodnight kiss.”

I g
ive him a playful frown. “I hope it’s more than just a kiss.” He shakes his head and flaunts a promising smile.

“
Until this evening, Angel. Amelia,” he bids us farewell and walks out of my room.

As soon as the door closes
behind Carson, Amelia drags out an armful of magazines and dumps them on my bed. What is this all about?

“Lily, I
want to prepare you for tomorrow. These magazines have been circulating all over campus since yesterday. I’m sure people will be staring and talking shit about you. You need to ignore them,” she forewarns me.

“What kind of
stuff are they saying about me, Ame?” I’m immediately upset.

I
grab the first magazine and see a picture of Carson kissing my hand as we entered the Tower Place condo in Chicago. The caption says,
Secret affair with once again untamed Bachelor. How long will this one last
? The second magazine has a picture of Carson giving me a kiss on my cheek at his charity function next to a picture of him dancing intimately with Bianca.
Who’s the mystery woman, the Marriage Wrecker? Which woman will win his heart, if he has one?
I can’t believe what I’m reading. My private life no longer exists as I’m smeared across every gossip magazine cover. I’m portrayed as the evil woman who stole Carson from his heart-broken fiancée. I’m totally humiliated. What will my mother think when she finds out? Crap, I haven’t talked to her this entire week.

“Ame,
did my mother call for me?” I nervously ask Amelia even though I already know the answer. My mother calls me routinely every weekend and rarely ever misses. I’m never allowed to call her unless it’s an absolute emergency because of the long distance fees.

“Um…yes, several times
, but I covered for you,” she worriedly replies. My stomach knots up immediately while my chest tightens from her shaky response. What have I done?

Reaching
for my phone with tremendous guilt and anxiety, I press ‘Mom’ to connect us. My eyes well up with tears, thinking about how disappointed she is in me. After the third ring, she picks up with no greetings, just the subtle sound of her heavy breathing.

“Hi
Mom, I’m sorry I missed your calls.” I attempt to ease myself into a normal conversation while holding back my tears.

“Lily, what are you doing with that kind of man?”
she heatedly lectures me. “He only uses women. You need to end it now before it goes too far!” Her raging tone is new to me. I’ve never heard her so upset with me.

“But M
om, he’s different with me. I trust him.” I do my best to defend Carson’s integrity.

“Lily, what do you know about men? You’ve never
even had a boyfriend. Please don’t tell me you’ve had sex with him.” Her voice begins to quiver. I know she’s quietly crying on the other end.

“Mom, please
don’t be unhappy because of me,” I plead as tears cascade down my face, hoping she’ll forgive me. I’ve limited my entire life to only do things that I thought would make my mother happy. She’s experienced enough hurt in her life, so I vowed not to add any more to it.

“Honey, I’m not sad because of you. I don’t want you to end up being used and
broken. Those rich men don’t know what love is. I want to protect you. You’re all that I have, Lily.” Her voice is now soft and tender, full of warmth and emotion. It makes me want to cry again, hearing this more affectionate side or her.

“
I understand Mom. You’re all that I have, too. I love you.”

“I love you, Lily. Don’t see that man anymore
!” she convinces me.

“
I have to go for now. I’ll wait for your call next week, Mom.” I’m a sobbing mess as soon as we disconnect. How can I stop seeing Carson when all I want to do is spend every available minute with him? As much as I love my mom and want to abide by her wishes, I can’t let him go. She’s not disappointed in me. She’s concerned for my heart. I justify. Carson makes my heart happy, so she should be okay with him.

Amelia offer
s me her consoling arms, and I gratefully accept them. My simple life just became more complicated as it continues to spiral into a crazy tornado. “Lily, I’m always here for you, girl. You know I got your back,” she assures me.

“Thanks
, Ame.” I wipe my runny nose and eyes with my sleeve and force myself to suck it up. “Why can’t he be my Mr. Happy Ending without the strings attached?” I ask Ame while trying to contain my hitched breathing.

“A hot pa
ckage like him is so worth it. You just need to figure out how to cut those damn strings,” Amelia replies with a smirk. She’s absolutely right, he’s worth fighting for.

“Do you have a sharp p
air of scissors I can borrow?” I jokingly ask and squeeze her one more time.

____________________

Against my approval, Carson had his assistant pack most of the items he bought for me. I left my place with a small carryon bag and came home with an enormous new suitcase. Believe me; I can be quite a stinker when provoked, but it didn’t faze him one tiny bit. As I unpack layers of new clothes, I pull out a familiar white linen shirt that doesn’t belong to me. Carson’s unique scent fills my nose as I inhale it. There’s a note tucked in the front pocket.