Before You Go (21 page)

My stomach drops.

“
It’s also about the way universities are helping to cover up the crimes,” Noah continues, running his hand through his hair. “I’ve been working with student journalists from all over the country to get information to include in the piece.”

No. No fucking way. This has nothing to do with me.

“Today, I got a package from Illinois.”

This can’t be happening.

“I never expected the reporters in Chicago would cooperate,” he starts to blabber. “I had a lead and I tried contacting them, but nobody would talk.”

My knees buckle. If I wasn’t leaning against the desk, I’d be on the floor.

Noah reaches out for me, but I swat his hand away.

“I
didn’t know, Tab. I swear I didn’t. I just found out today.”

“What are you talking about
? Noah? What happened?” I ask.

But I know. I know exactly what he’s talking about.

He pulls out the stack of papers on the desk and it’s all there. The articles from the university paper. The student blog postings. The response from the university.

I hold still. It’s like my organs are shutting down one by one.

Noah stands, pushing his laptop out of my view.

His eyes narrow and the crease between his brows deepens. He knows.

He knows.

“Baby,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

My arm snakes over him, flipping the laptop so I can see what he was looking at.

Or to confirm it.

When I see the screen, it’s like looking at my own reflection.

It’s my face and body in a slideshow of disgusting photos. I begin hitting the arrows to flip them. Over and over again.

Noah’s expression is unreadable, a cross between murderous and devastated. “What exactly happened, Tabby?” His voice is hollow. “Did these assholes rape you?”

He needs to know how damaged I really am. Or maybe what diseases I’m carrying.

“The doctors said
no
,” I whisper, ashamed I don’t know the answer on my own. “I wasn’t violated in that way.”

I can’t do this. I can’t discuss this with him. It feels like it’s happening all over again. The questions, the suspicion, the judgment.

“Oh, God,” I start pacing.

“Talk to me,” he pleads.

I can’t. Instead, I stare at my past spread out on his desk. Every dirty detail. I can’t look anymore. I want to drift off and not think about any of this ever again.

Reluctantly, I inch away from Noah—afraid it’s for the very last time.

He moves to stop me. “Don’t leave, Tabby. Not yet. There’s something I need to tell you before you go.”

I don’t wait to hear it.

But as I turn around to make my escape, things get even worse.

Jenna is waiting in the doorway. She heard everything, so I do thing only thing I can.

I run.
Again.

THIRTY-EIGHT

My phone beeps continuously with texts from Noah. I immediately hit delete. I have three days before the article will be in the paper. Three days to prepare myself and my family. Three days to be normal before it all starts again.

I pile into my nest and wait for the storm. That’s the thing about depression, it isn’t soft and quiet, lulling me to sleep. At least that’s not how it begins. It’s loud, ringing anxiety. A pacing in my brain that only subsides after it runs its course—taking me where it wants, making me relive the things I don’t want to think about, blaming me over and over again until it’s satisfied. When finally my brain and body shut down.

It’s only then that the hole inside my chest shrinks.
I remember this all too well. I rock myself into submission, into the comatose state where used to spend my time. I hold my head in my hands and everything goes foggy. My eyes are heavy and my body feels like hardening cement.

I bury myself under the pile of covers on my bed, hoping I can hide here. Hoping it won’t find me again. My head throbs until I drift off.

###

Over the next two days, Jules visits my apartment. I don’t answer. She must know about the article. I’m sure Jenna’s spread the news far and wide by now. Jules leaves food and flowers at my door—I throw it all away.

I come dangerously close to slipping deep into the black hole again, but something stops me. It’s Jules and the crazy big dude from group. She talks her way into my apartment, threatening me with the help of Big ’n Scary, and delivers me to the Mud Puddle where she has reinforcements.

Turns out she didn’t know about the article. She was almost as shocked as I was, so she enlists the help of my new friends and we come up with a plan.

“
You need to take the offensive,” Jules recommends. I listen because she is prelaw and smart as hell. “When the article comes out, we hold a press conference and you tell
your
story. We get statistics on sexual assault on campus and within college sports; we get women’s organizations to come and show their support; we serve the assholes who did this to you their balls.”

“I don’t know,” I tell her. I honestly don’t think I’m tough enough to pull it off.

“Don’t you go soft on me, Tabitha Kelly. You’ve made it too far to go slinking away into a corner. Don’t you see how strong you are? You can do this.”

My mind races and I let out a huge sigh. I feel like I may hyperventilate.

Jules puts her arm around me. “
We
can do this.”

I nod, knowing w
e
can
do this. Jules ignites a fire in my belly. She believes me. She will support me.

No,
this time I don’t have to take it lying down.

I’m not alone. This time, I can fight.

THIRTY-NINE

Dad is at my apartment when I get home with Jules. He must know what’s going on. My heart squeezes knowing that I’m going to put him through all of this agai
n. God, could I do that to him? At
his
university?

“Tabby,” Dad says, sizing me up. “Where were you? Are you okay?”

“I was with Jules,” I say, wanting him to tell me what he knows before I give away any information.

“Noah called.”

Shit.

“He told me about the article and what he found,” he says with a shutter.

“It’s okay, Dad. I’m going to be okay. Really.”

“He was so worried about you, Tab,” Dad holds in a sob. “He said you shut down when he told you what he found. And after, you wouldn’t take his calls. You missed class.”

Dad sobs now and my heart crumbles. “I didn’t know what I was going to find here. I didn’t know if you could handle it again.”

“Daddy.” I wrap him in my arms. “No. I’d never do that again. I’m better. I can handle it. Jules will be there for me every step of the way when the article comes out.”

“What do you mean when it comes out?” Dad pulls away to look at me. “There’s no article. Noah shut it down immediately once the package came from Illinois. He doesn’t roll that way, honey. He’s one of the good guys.”
“
He didn’t do it?” I say, almost to myself. “He didn’t file the story? He protected me? But what about making a name for himself?”

“He wouldn’t do that at your expense, sweetheart. He is torn up over this. I’ve never seen him so upset. You need to get in touch with him. Let him know you’re okay.”

“I don’t know if I can, Dad.” Now I have tears in my eyes. “There’s something you don’t know. Noah and I are…
involved
. Can you imagine what he thinks about me after all of this? How can I face him?”

“Only you can answer that, Tabby. And though I’m not pleased that you kept your relationship from me, I can tell you this: Noah is in love with you.”

“Wha—how do you know that?” I ask, not fully understanding his words.

Dad gives my hands a squeeze and says, “He told me.”

FORTY

I don’t get much sleep after Dad leaves. I should be happy, thrilled, that Noah loves me. But what can it mean now, after he knows what happen? How can he feel the same about me? Or is it just pity? Not to mention the way I handled everything in his office. I ran away yet again. I believed the worst in him.

And now I have choice but to face him, and face the world. Though there is no newspaper article, Jenna still knows…and that means others will soon know. And Noah will do nothing to stop her.

Can I live with that?

I keep
my head up as I walk on campus and visualize a protective shell around my body. Stares, glares, snide comments—doesn’t matter. Nothing will get through to me. I can do this.

I get throug
h the morning without incident. Still, it’s just a matter of time. Jenna’s in my next class and I know there’s no possible way to avoid her.

“Chica,” Jules hollers. She made sure to meet me in the commons before poly sci. “Are you okay?”

“I haven’t been stoned yet,” I say. “But I haven’t run into Jenna either.”

“That’s why I’m here, babe.” She links her arm in mine. “Let’s do this.”

We walk to class and I slow at the door to peek inside.

No Jenna.

No Jenna in poly sci. Or, the rest of the day. That is, until Professor Sands’ class.

###

I’m about to turn the corner to get to English Lit when I hear them.

“What the hell, Noah?” Jenna yells. “Why did you summon me to the newspaper? I missed poly sci because of it.”

I stay hidden behind the corner but inch a little closer, wanting to hear their exchange.

“I didn’t want you to be alone with her,” Noah says.

“Are you serious?”

“Completely.”

“So you’re afraid I might hurt your wounded bird’s feelings? And thought tha
t was a reason to have me miss class?”

“Yeah, actually,” Noah says. “But that’s not all. That newspaper assignment is for real, Jenna.”

“What?” Jenna whines. “What do you mean? You’re making me write a story? But you know I have a lot on my plate.”

“Don’t give me that.”
Noah laughs.

“Is this because of Tabby?” Jenna snaps. “What did she tell you?”

“She didn’t tell me anything. And this is about
you
not her.”

“
Right,” she says. “You should watch yourself with her, Noah. Or you’ll be the next one she accuses—”

“Stop,” Noah yells now. “You stop right there.
I’ve had just about enough of this shit, Jenna. No more.”

“But, you –”

“No,” he cuts her off. “No more excuses. That’s it. I’m not going to let you manipulate me anymore. It’s time you get your shit together and stop blaming me for everything that goes wrong in your life. No more free rides. If you want the credits, you get to the newspaper and do the work. And let me tell you something else. If you ever talk about Tabby like that again to me, or anyone else, I will make you pay for it. Dearly.”

“I can’t,” Jenna starts, her voice full of contempt.

I clench my teeth, knowing this isn’t right. I can’
t let Noah do my fighting. I wish I could, but nothing is going to get better unless
I
step up.

Jenna continues, “
I can’t even believe you—”

That’s when
I
stop her.

“No, Jenna,” I say, walking
out from around the corner. “I can’t believe you.”

I move
toward her and Noah slides aside giving me complete access. I swear I see traces of a smile on his face.

“I can’t believe you would hold
my past against me.” I glare at her until she’s forced to look away. “Especially after hearing about yours.”

It
was past time for fighting words.

Jenna
doesn’t move or say a word. She’s frozen. Noah’s frozen. There’s nothing but silence. So I brush past them and go to class.

F
ORTY-ONE

Noah doesn’t try to catch up with me after class. I don’t wait for him either, I’m not sure he’d want me to. It’s obvious he cares about me, but maybe it’s just in a protective big brother sort of way.

Instead of making myself crazy with wonder and worry, I go to the center to dance. I work on the combinations Kevin taught me, hoping to let everything fade away.

It doesn’t work.

Before I know it I’m in my car heading to Noah’s apartment. I argue with myself on the drive. I want so bad to go to him. To see if he still has real feelings for me. But if I do, there’s no more playing around. If I go to him now, and he takes me back, we are together for the long haul. No more bailing out when it gets hard or messy or scary.

If I—

I stop myself with a knock on his door. My body is on autopilot, doing what it needs to. My brain tries to keep up.