Beautifully Revealed (7 page)
Read Beautifully Revealed Online
Authors: Bethany Bazile
Liam
I’m drawn back to the hospital the next morning. After yesterday’s confrontation in the hallway, I’m ashamed. Ashamed of my reaction to Lucas’s petty taunts. I came here for Anna, and before I leave I feel compelled to at least see her one last time. The sterile hallways give me the chills. Like they’ve tried to clean away the scent of sickness and death, but it’s not working. The scent lingers in the air, invisible and undetectable, but it’s here. You can’t wash away death with disinfectant and a mop. It remains in the confines of those who are left behind.
When I get to Anna’s room, I’m not sure if I can
make myself to go in. I feel like I don’t belong, an intruder in my own mother’s hospital room. I take a deep breath, and decide I’m not leaving here without seeing her.
Ella is
alone in Anna’s room when I enter. She gets up from her chair and watches me warily. “You came back.”
I nod at her
as I walk over to Anna’s bed. She looks so fragile, her skin pale and gray, her hair a tangled mess against the white pillows. I reach out and touch her hand, she feels cold so I rub her icy fingers between my hands as if she can feel it. I hope she can’t feel it. I don’t want her to feel cold or pain. Being alone in that car for all those hours must have been excruciating.
I’ve hated her for so long.
Too long.
She’s my mother and I love her
, but love is simple, pure, and easy. But that’s before it’s tainted with lies, deception, and worst of all abandonment. That kind of tainted love can shatter you, it’s life-altering. It alters the person you were, until you’re not even capable of forgiveness.
“Do you have a brush?”
I ask Ella.
“A brush?”
I turn and nod at
her confused expression. “She would hate that her hair is a mess,” I explain.
Ella hands me a brush from her purse
, and I sit on the edge of the bed slowly brushing Anna’s golden hair. “When I was a boy I used to do this all the time. I was terrified one of my friends would find out because I’d be so embarrassed, but I secretly loved it. It always made her so happy.”
We weren’t meant to be this way. I loved her and she loved me
, but she was broken by my father. She used to tell me that my name meant I was a protector, but I failed her, I didn’t protect her when she needed someone. I pull her hair over her shoulder and run my fingers through it.
A noise distracts me from my memories.
I look over my shoulder and watch Mr. Fields walk in. He stops at the bottom of the bed and nods his head at me. He used to be my family until he took my mother away from me, but really he was the one who protected her so I can’t continue to hate him. I return his nod before turning back towards my mother. I place a kiss on her cheek and whisper into her ear, “I forgive you, Mom.” I swallow the emotions in my throat as I get up and leave the room, letting her have a moment alone with her husband.
Ella joins me in the hallway sitting closely by my side. Neither one of us speaks a word, but when she reaches out a
nd holds my hand it feels right. Our connection always soothes me, comforts me in an unexplainable way. The hours pass by slowly. I hardly even notice Lucas when he arrives. We take turns sitting with Mom, and I even imagined her fingers moving when I told her I love her.
Ella remains by my side, quietly observing my reactions. She may be the only thing holding me together right now, and I appreciate her more than she’ll ever know.
At one point Lucas comes out of the room and sits across from us. He looks at our intertwined hands and his frown deepens. He’s making Ella feel guilty for sticking by me, but her grip on my hand tightens and she leans over to kiss my face, letting me know she won’t choose Lucas over me.
When
Mr. Fields steps out the room, we all sit up in our chairs. His red rimmed eyes are mournful and before he speaks a word I already know. I can feel it.
She’s gone.
Lucas’s wail echoes through the hallway and Ella’s quiet sobs chip at what’s left of my control. I lean over, cover my face with my hands, and after a few shallow breaths I’m able to regain my composure. I won’t let this break me. The pain of love lost and left over regrets eat away at me inside. But outside I’m wearing a mask. I’m the strong, vigilant mogul who has no weakness, or at least I appear to be.
********
We stay in the city for a week to prepare for Anna’s funeral. With Lucas and his dad so distraught, I took over the arrangements. It helped to keep me busy. Ella’s been hovering over me. She’s determined to help me through this. Between all the meals she cooked and the times she sat with me and listened to the stories about Anna, you would think we would be in a good place, but I feel a lot of anger towards her.
The night before
Mom’s funeral I ask her, “Do you think she knew I still loved her?”
She smiles at me
sadly. “Of course she knew. As angry as you were, the love you felt for her still shone in your eyes. She saw it. I see it.”
She leans over
and kisses me gently. Her lips are soft and I unconsciously deepen the kiss wanting more from her. The slow slide of our tongues incites a raging inferno of lust in me. I lie on the carpet and pull her over me, pressing her into my straining erection. She rubs her heated sex against me and I want to slide deep into her, but I can’t. I push her off and sit up, gasping for breath.
“What’s wrong?”
“I can’t, Ella. What happened between you and Lucas still makes me sick.”
“Liam
, I told you I was sleeping. I would never willingly let him do that.”
“That d
oesn’t matter, right now I need to focus on my mother.” I get up and leave the room because my resistance is thin. Hopefully a cold shower will help ease the ache.
********
The day of the funeral is rainy and gloomy. I wonder why most funerals I’ve ever been to were during dark, dismal days? Is it Mother Nature’s way of crying for a soul taken too soon, or does the weather reflect the emotions of those left behind. Ella is my rock. Regardless of what may have happened, she’s been here for me through this. I haven’t given myself the time to be angry at her, but I know it’s festering inside me, I just don’t know when it will erupt.
She
clings to my arm at the grave site, trying to shield me from the rain with an umbrella, but the wind quickly mangles it and rain washes over us. The cold droplets leave me feeling as cold on the outside as I feel inside. Ella wipes her face with her hand and I’m not sure if she’s wiping tears or raindrops. We’re alike in that way. Tears are foreign to us, a weakness. So as we watch others pour their grief out though their tears, we trap our grief inside to begin an endless circle of pain. Maybe their stronger than I am because they have the courage to show their weaknesses but I can’t bring myself to show my weakness. The looks of pity I would receive are not what I need right now.
Lucas
’s forlorn eyes watch Anna’s casket being lowered. When his mother passed away years ago, I held him up and tried to absorb his pain, now that my mom is gone he somehow has more right to grieve for her than I do, and it makes me sick inside. Lucas has always been selfish but he blinds people to his true character. I feel cheated of the years Lucas and my father stole from me. The last time I spoke to her I told her maybe someday, well we ran out of somedays and there’s no going back.
So on a dark and
dreary morning, I say goodbye to hope, and hold on to my memories. I say goodbye to Anna, but hold on to the mother who held me at night in my heart.
Isabella
The flight home was long and awkward. Liam has been non-
existent since his mother passed away. He’s stuck in his head, and the words between us are few and mostly about his memories of Anna. I encourage him to speak about her, hoping it will help him heal. Help him release the guilt he feels for not fixing their relationship before time ran out.
Funny thing about fate is
it tries to guide us to where we should be at any given time, but it can’t force us to give second chances. Liam’s chance with his mother slipped away and it’s weighing heavily on him.
I was nervous to even come back
to Florida. In Chicago Liam wouldn’t even let me stay the night with him. It felt strange to be back in my condo, especially when I knew Liam was suffering alone. Being in my condo threw me back to a place I didn’t want to be. My life has changed so much since I left this city and I can’t even imagine losing Liam and our life together. That one night I kissed him made things worse, he withdrew further into himself, and practically stopped talking to me. Not coming home with him wasn’t an option because there was nothing left for me in Chicago. Everything I need is here with him now.
I watch Liam come
out of our bedroom with a duffel bag on his shoulder and he avoids looking at me as he walks to the door. Panic sets in.
He’s leaving me
.
“Where are you going?”
We just got back to Florida last night and now he’s taking off. I could feel this coming, the rift between us had become too large.
“I’m leaving,” he says as I cut off his exit by stepping in front of him.
“I’m going to stay downstairs for a while.”
“With Arianna?” I shriek at him.
“She moved out last week.”
“Liam
, please just let me help you. You shouldn’t be alone.”
“That’s exactly what I need, some time to get myself together.”
“Let me help you through this. Let me love you.”
He smiles sadly, trying to keep his emotions in check.
“I remember when I was ten my mom said to me ‘
Lee, the greatest gift in life is love,’
” he hangs his head sullenly before continuing. “It feels more like it’s my greatest curse. I lost my mom years ago and before I could get her back, she’s taken away forever. Everyone I’ve ever loved has either left me or it turned out I never even knew them in the first place. Lucas was like my brother until he lied to me and practically stole my mother, I haven’t spoken to my father in weeks and I’m sure I never will. Anna left me, no matter the reason, she left me and never looked back, and now it’s too late. And you…you will be the worst of them all. I can’t stay Ella, because when the time comes for you to leave me…” he lifts his head and the single tear trickling down his face breaks me.
I
step closer to him and wipe it with my thumb, and his eyes close at my gentle touch. The entire time in Chicago he held these emotions back, and I wish he would let me help him. He can’t keep everything bottled up forever, it will suffocate him. I’ve been suffocating on my pain for years and I don’t want that for him. That single tear is the only sign of grief I’ve seen him express all week and it worries me.
He reaches out and cups my face in both his hands, his green eyes so stormy with emotion they’re almost a shade of gray.
“When you leave me I won’t be the same man, it will break me to pieces. I need to hold on to what’s left of me.”
“Please don’t do this,
” I beg.
“Ella, what happened with Lucas is tearing me up. I haven’t touched you in a week because I’m afraid of what I’ll do to you to erase his touch. I want to fuck you
until you feel me in your sleep. I want to fuck you till you have no memory of any other man. I warned you before you left that Lucas would manipulate you, now I want to punish you so badly that I have to leave.”
He did warn me, but
I wouldn’t listen because I was so sure of myself, I would never betray Liam. I never dreamed Lucas would take the choice away from me. I know I can’t stop him, but he shouldn’t be the one leaving.
“I’ll go. This is your
home; I should be the one to leave.”
“No
. Where would you go?”
“I’ll find a place.
Maybe I’ll go stay at the Brazilian Court.”
“Ella, you know how expensive it is to stay there? You won’t take my money so stay
here and I’ll go downstairs.”
“
You’re not the only one with millions in the bank! I can afford to stay at the Brazilian.” I scream at him in frustration. I didn’t mean to say that much, but I hate when he throws his money at me.
“What do you mean? You have millions in the bank?”
He eyes me suspiciously. I know I messed up big now. This slip-up is going to cost me, he’s going to take this as another lie and use it to push me further away.
“I have a hefty bank account and a substantial investment portfolio.” The confession weighs heavy on my chest. I have never disclosed this part of my life to anyone
, not even Lucas. A wry smile appears on his face and he shakes his head in disbelief.
“Maybe you should go
, because it seems like I’ll never be done discovering your secrets.” He heads into his study, angrily slamming the door behind him.
I pack quickly, only taking what I can carry
, hoping I’ll get a chance to come back. I pause at the study door, lightly pushing it open, but Liam doesn’t look up. He knows I’m there, but he refuses to have any more contact with me so I leave with a heavy heart.
********
Last night was horrible. Not that I didn’t see it coming or deserve it, but sleeping without Liam is hard. When I finally did fall asleep I was comforted by dreams of him. If I could, I would erase the last two weeks because going to Vegas was a mistake. I thought I needed to fix my friendship with Lucas, but I should’ve been more concerned with maintaining the peace I had finally found with Liam.
Anna’s death was agonizing. I never experienced death on this level
, I’ve always been unattached and unfeeling. In my early years with Damon I often thought death might have relieved my pain, stopped the suffering. I used to look at it like it was salvation, but experiencing the death of someone I loved like a mother ripped my heart out. As much as I wanted to ball up in a corner and cry, I stayed strong for Liam.
The weight of his guilt
combined with his grief was too much for him to bear alone. I needed to help him grieve more than I needed to grieve myself, but last night I finally shattered. Alone in an unnecessarily large hotel room, the grief finally consumed me. Flashes of the years I spent with Anna, imagining what life would have been like if she would have been my mother painfully eating away at my resolve not to cry.
She made a huge mistake by not reaching out to Liam
all those years, but that didn’t make her any less of a good mother. She suffered through abuse to stay with Liam as long as she did so on the scale of bad mothers, Anna’s mistake didn’t even register on the chart my mom sat on.
As much as I’d like to scream at the sky about how unfair it is that the only person
who felt like a mom to me was taken away, I can’t. Instead I’m thankful for having known her and the gift she left behind to me in her son. So when the tears finally came, they were tears of pain, sorrow, and thankfulness. Not many good things happen for me in this life and Anna Fields was a great thing.
********