Beautiful Broken Mess (28 page)

“Jace...” I whisper in the dark. But he never responds and when I wake up in the morning, I’m the one left all alone this time.

~~~~~~~~~~

I bend down to pull out my newest batch of blueberry muffins. The apartment smells delicious, but I’m not sure what I’m going to do with all of these baked goods.

“Jesus Christ, Audrey. If you pull one more batch of carbs out of that oven, I’ll go insane!” Lane grumbles from behind me.

“I think you’re already there,” I reply calmly.

“I don’t like this. I don’t like how you’re acting. You’re not dealing with this right. Shouldn’t you be crying or bitching about him or eating a tub of ice cream?” he questions, while grabbing a chocolate muffin and taking a big bite.

I look around the kitchen at all of the pastries I’ve made this past week and a half. I don’t know why I did it, except that it helps to keep my mind occupied. Unfortunately, I’m running out of ideas. Since sleep doesn’t come and I can only work so many hours, baking is the next best thing.

He looks down at the muffin that he just mindlessly took a bite out of and growls loudly. He glares at me in frustration, as if he didn’t realize he was eating the baked goodness, and harshly throws the remainder in the trash.

“See? I can’t keep eating this junk! Make it go away.”

“Shouldn’t you be happy I’m not crying all over the place?” I ask, while scrubbing down the counters.

“No, because I know you’re sad, but for some reason you’re holding it all in. Pretend I’m a chick.” He props his elbows up on the bar, rests his chin in his hands, and looks at me thoughtfully.
Brat
. “Seriously doll, pour your little heart out. I’m here to listen.”

“You’re ridiculous,” I reply, while searching for a container that can hold the blueberry muffins. I haven’t told Lane about Jace’s late-night visit a few evenings ago. I don’t know what to think of it myself, so I can’t say it out loud.

“Talk,” he growls.

“No,” I reply flatly.

“Talk.”

“Where do you think we’ll live after we graduate?” I ask, changing the subject.

“That’s not what I wanted to talk about and you know it. But I figured I’d have to follow you to Texas.”

“You would have done that?” I ask, surprised.

“Of course. You’re my family.”

I walk around the counter and hug him tightly. “Now you’re just trying to make me cry.”

“Did it work?” he laughs.

“No!” I laugh while pushing away from him.

“Well, just to humor you, let’s go check out my hometown.”

“New York?” I ask, surprised.

“Yeah. I haven’t seen my mom in a while. I don’t know if I’d ever want to live there again, but we can go look.”

“This coming week?” I ask eagerly and then quickly add, “We can afford a break from school.”

“Why are you jumping on this?” He seems unsure about my motives.

“I just want to plan a real future.”

“Oooh-kay. I’ll book it. Even though I think you need to give Jace some more time. Jax isn’t even awake yet.”

“Lane, he’s never going to get over what others think I did. And I don’t want to talk about him anymore.” I finish packing up as many muffins and cookies as I can get into our plastic containers. “I’m going to take these up to Em and Quinn.”

“Might run into him,” he speculates.

“Nah, Em said she’d come down to get them.”

“Just try to go and see him, doll. He was a fucking asshole, I’ll give you that, but guys have no idea how to handle emotions. Don’t you think that even if he can’t admit it, he still needs you?”

“I’m going to get ready, I’ll see you later tonight,” I smile, clearly not giving into his probing.

~~~~~~~~~~

I arrive at the hospital and decide to wait outside in the fresh air. Hospital air is stagnant and stuffy. I would kill to be in there holding Jace’s hand, but since I can’t do that, I’d rather not go in at all. My hands bounce the plastic containers around as I wait for Em to come down.

“Audrey?” I hear my name called from close by.

I turn toward the sound of my name and freeze when I spot Jace and Jaxon’s mom coming around the outside corner of the hospital. She tosses down a cigarette and twists her foot on it slowly to extinguish the embers.

“Please, don’t tell anyone about that. I only do it when I’m stressed,” she says and gestures toward the white stick that’s now crushed into the concrete.

“Secret’s safe with me,” I mumble.

I turn toward the revolving doors, hoping I can catch sight of Em. Julie Riley is the last person I wanted to see today. She walks closer toward me and I begin to bounce impatiently on my toes. I haven’t seen her since the day Jaxon and I told her we had run off to get married. She was beyond furious with both of us. I never thought I would see her get so angry. I ran home that day. It was the only time I ever ran
to
my house and not
away
from it.

Em strolls out through the doors and smiles cheerfully at me. I don’t understand this weird calmness she has about her. Her boyfriend is lying in a coma and she acts like there is finally world peace.

“Thank you so much for these,” she calls out. I hand over the containers when she reaches me. “I want to thank you for taking over my shifts at work too.”

“Please, don’t even worry about it. You shouldn’t have to think about work right now. Although I am going out of town next week, so Ed will probably have a coronary.”

She laughs a bit too lightly, almost as if it’s forced. In that moment, I can see the wall she’s built. She’s trying to protect herself from the hurt and the possibility of actually losing Jaxon. My heart breaks for her. Here I’ve been feeling sorry for myself, while Em has been going through genuine pain.

“Hey, Em.” I reach out and grab her arm so I can pull her in close. I hope to speak to only her. “I left my textbook...” Lowering my voice to a whisper, I say, “In his room. Do you think there’s any way I can get that?”

She smiles and replies, “Quinn’s home. For some reason, she’s been so tired lately. She can give you the key. Don’t worry about running into...anyone.” She quickly glances over toward Julie. “They’re all here.” I sigh with relief and thank her.

“They’re about to start some physical therapy on him, so I don’t want to miss that. He likes it when I talk to him.” She smiles and walks back inside without any further conversation.

“He likes it when she talks to him?” I ask out loud, to no one in particular. I think Em is losing it.

“I’m really afraid of what this might be doing to her mental health,” Julie echoes my thoughts. “She smiles all the time. She never leaves, but then again, neither does Jace. And she just lies there all day with him, talking about nothing in particular.”

“She’s just trying to protect herself.” I attempt to think of a way I can end this uncomfortable conversation. I just can’t do this right now, especially not with Mrs. Riley.

“I know about you and Jace,” she says before I can escape. I immediately turn and face her, surprised.
Shit.
What does she think and how does she know? Before I can ask, she answers for me. “I’m his mom, I knew something was up.” I give her a skeptical look, not believing that she has some kind of Mom ESP. She laughs, “Okay, fine. His friend, Max, ratted him out on accident.” I nod my head while keeping silent. If Max knew what Jace said to me, then he probably didn’t take too kindly to that. I’m surprised I haven’t heard from him already.

“I trust Jace’s decisions.”

“Would you say that even if I told you he pursued me before he found out everything he thought was a lie?” I ask. She falters a beat and nods her head. I consider leaving right this very second. I don’t need to explain myself to one more person, especially this person. Jace and I are done. She won’t be in my life. Why do I need to hash out this drama again? Because…whether I want to admit it or not, some small part of me still longs to have my name cleared.

Julie sits down on the curb and pats the spot next to her. Sitting right here on the concrete in front of the busy hospital, I pour my heart out to her. I don’t cry this time. This story can flow out of my mouth now as if it knows it by heart, without any help from me. I tell her everything up until right after Jaxon and I broke up.

“How did I not know that you and Jace met first?” she gasps. “I’m usually able to pick up on everything. I thought he had a crush on you...but this...this makes so much more sense.”

Her words startle me and I ask, “Why would you say he had a crush on me?”

“He was always watching you guys. I just thought he missed his brother at first. After a while, I caught him specifically watching you. Not Jax, just you. You know those black-and-white photographs he has in his room?” I nod my head, thinking of them lined up above his bed. “You’re in one of them.”

My mouth drops open and I try to remember what they look like. I remember one of them is a picture of his dock back home that extends out over their favorite pond. Jaxon and I spent many hot afternoons jumping into that cold water. There are people in the distance in some of them, mostly silhouettes.

I think about the middle picture and how it has a person sitting on the dock with their feet hanging over the edge, dipping them into the water. The picture was taken so far off in the distance I wouldn’t have been able to tell it was me. It’s only the silhouette of a person. I sat on that dock numerous times so it could have been any number of days.

I recall one time when Jax and Jace had been swimming and then went riding the truck through the mud. I had been waiting for Jax to finish cleaning the truck off, so I decided to splash my feet in the pond. I thought Jace had gone home, but I guess he stuck around to snap some pictures out on the land. The rest of his pictures hanging on the wall are from around the property as well. My favorite is one of his mom taken from pretty far away while she was hanging sheets out to dry.

“Honey, what happened with the baby?” She interrupts my happy memories with a dreadful one. My stomach drops and I squeeze my fists together. “Please. Just talk about it. It’ll help.”

The first time I looked at this little white stick with its two pink lines, I cried my eyes out. I cried out of sadness, frustration, humiliation, and shock. I was scared. I cried because I didn’t think I had anything to offer this child. Now, I gaze at the stick with hope. I can do this. I can love this baby and that’s enough.

I know I need to move out of this house. Being around my dad just isn’t okay anymore. I’ve never actually thought about it in that light before. It’s amazing what even the prospect of being a parent can do for you. Before, my dad’s aggression was just a phase that I needed to wait out. I would bear it. I would graduate and then I would leave Texas.

But now this tiny little plum-sized baby is my number-one priority. Now I realize that I can’t allow my body to be harmed. I need to get out of here and find a safer home for the two of us.

As I pack my bags, I have a fleeting thought of seeing Jace one more time. I wish I could see those sea-blue eyes for just a second longer. In a way, if this baby had been Jaxon’s, at least I could pretend it was part of Jace as well.

But it’s not.

Mr. Howard stole that from me.

When he told me that I wouldn’t pass if I didn’t attend his after-school study session, I was confused. I thought I was doing well in his class. When I showed up and I was the only student present, that should have been my first warning. But I was naïve, so I followed him into his storage room to grab the supplies we supposedly needed. I’ll never forget the echo the metal lock made when he slid it into place.

I chase away the bad memories by shoving more clothes into my backpack. One good thing about never really owning much is that I don’t have a lot to carry out of here. I’m hoping that today at work I can talk to Nico about helping me find some place to stay.

“Don’t worry, little plum, I’ll find somewhere safe for us,” I whisper.

I quickly stash my loaded backpack underneath the couch and pull on my t-shirt for work. It’s getting a bit snug and I’m sure people at work have noticed. I’m still in that awkward stage where others are probably wondering if I’m pregnant or just sneaking in a few too many of our famous breadsticks. Well, they’ll all know soon enough.

I grab my purse and step out onto our front porch. My heart lurches when I see my dad coming up the stairs with a death stare focused directly on me.

His eyes flash to my stomach and back to my face, and then return to my stomach for one final perusal. I see the wheels turning and I pray I can just get to work without incident.

“What have you gone and done?” he growls in a low, threatening voice.

“Nothing. I need to get to work,” I quickly say, stepping backward.

“You’re just like your whore of a mother...”

I try to interrupt and tell him I am nothing like her, but he launches forward. His foot rises up and connects with my stomach. I feel the air rush past me, but I’m confused about what exactly is happening. When I feel the hard smack of concrete on my back and the coppery taste of blood in my mouth, my friend, darkness, returns.