Be With Me (8 page)

By the time I came down
from the high, I was utterly spent. My body was weak, and Tyler lay
on top of me our bodies still connected. I didn’t want to move, I
could have stayed like that with him forever…and those thoughts
were what sent my mind into a tailspin.

What the fuck was I
doing?

This couldn’t happen; I
couldn’t have thoughts like that about him. The panic began to
rise, and I pushed at his chest to get him off of me. I rolled
over, put my feet on the floor, and stalked to the bathroom. I shut
and locked the door, sat on the lid of the toilet, and threw my
head in my hands.

“Maggie, are you alright?”
He called through the door.

“I’m fine Tyler, maybe you
should go.”

“What the fuck? Why is it
every time I have sex with you, it’s always time for me to go away?
Maybe it’s time to explain what the hell is going on with
you.”

“Tyler please, this is
just so…”

“So what? So crazy? Tell
me about it.”

“Seriously Tyler, I can’t
do this, and trust me you don’t want to be with me. I’m too…fucked
up.”

“Maggie, we are all fucked
up, trust me on that. Just come out here and we can talk about
it.”

Everything in me wanted to
trust him, but trusting people in my life wasn’t easy after living
with a father figure whom decided it was okay to defile his
daughter at night.

Tyler would never
understand the things that I had hidden in my closet. And even if I
told him, there would be nothing for him to say besides “goodbye”.
I was doomed to live with my horror. Me and me alone.

Fourteen

Once Tyler left, I
couldn’t pry myself from the safety of the bathroom. The tears
started coming and I was powerless to stop their decent. So much
was wrong in my life, and I couldn’t drag anyone else into the pit
that sucked me down each and every day. I hated living like that,
the fear, anxiety and hatred that plagued me every day was too
overwhelming.

I had to start over
somehow, had to learn that the things that had happened to me were
in no way my fault. But how could I do it? I didn’t want to face it
all again, it was too damn painful.

I found myself not doing
what I came here to do, what was instructed of me to complete. It
was supposed to be simple, get in, clean the shit up and get the
hell out. I was dragging my feet around and hoping things would
just fix themselves.

I was yet again pissed and
hurt that my mother asked this of me. Why would she subject me to
face everything that had torn me apart? Was she that much of a
sadist that even in her death she expected me to suffer? Of course
it wasn’t her fault what my father did to me, but still she should
have protected me.

I needed to get out again,
I let the dreary mood of the house engulf my life, and all I could
think was to escape. So I did. I peeled myself from the bathroom,
threw on some clothes and headed out. No destination in sight, I
just needed to leave. I drove through the small town once more and
somehow found myself at the entrance to the local cemetery.
What the
hell was I
doing here?

I distanced the past so
well that when my mother passed away, I didn’t bother to attend her
funeral. It wasn’t something I was proud of, but I was in no shape
to bring myself back here. The emotional torment was just too
painful.

I parked the car beside of
the road that led into the graveyard, and mechanically got out.
Something was leading me here, although I wasn’t sure just
what.

It took some time, but
after traipsing and searching through the various headstones, I
finally found where my mother and father were laid to rest. I could
see our family name on the back of the stone as I approached and my
insides began to form a knot.

I stood there for an
instant, trying to decide if I should step around the front and
take a look. My curiosity got the best of me, so I rounded the
headstone and saw where my parents were buried.

What I was looking at
shocked me. There was my mother’s name, birthdate, and the day she
died…but my fathers’ were nowhere to be seen on the marker.
What the hell was
going
on?

I turned around to make
sure there wasn’t a headstone that maybe I overlooked, and of
course there was nothing. I knew they were to be laid to rest
together, so looking down and not seeing my fathers’ name inscribed
there was baffling. I didn’t attend his funeral either, why would
I? Something wasn’t right, and I felt chill bumps run up my spine.
In my gut I knew there was something
someone
wasn’t telling
me.

Where fuck was my bastard
father?

Fifteen

Tyler knew it was stupid
to find himself at the cemetery where his wife and child were
buried, but he went anyway. The fact of the matter was, the child
probably wasn’t even his anyway, but he mourned the loss just the
same. How could he not? It was a tragedy either way. No one should
have to endure the loss of a child, no matter who it belonged to.
He hadn’t been back here since he returned home from overseas, and
he felt the sting of heartbreak as soon as he stepped foot on the
hallowed ground.

He knew where they were
located, and so he trudged to the site, flowers in hand. His wife
was always so fond of white roses and those were the ones he
decided to bring with him to honor her memory. As pissed as he was
about her betrayal, he couldn’t bring himself to forget the good
times that they shared over the years.

Tyler lowered his head
when he came to the spot where they were laid to rest. It was a
somber moment, and he had to stop himself from letting the tears
release that he held on to for so long now.

His life had taken so many
twists and turns lately that his head was spinning like a child’s
toy top. The world had handed him a pile of shit on a platter and
expected him to grin and bear it. He just wasn’t built like
that.

When he laid the bouquet
of flowers at the foot of the headstone, the tears started flowing
out of control. He was a man, but even the strongest of men could
turn into a pile of dust when their emotions were spiraling out of
control.

Tyler crouched down and
placed his hand on the top of the stone. He ran it back and forth
feeling the coolness of it beneath his coarse palm. This was what
he was reduced to, someone who couldn’t let go of the past, and
lived every day with regrets of “what might have been”.

It was all too much to
bear, he had to leave before the sorrow turned into anger and he
blew up like a nuclear bomb.

He lifted himself up and
took off toward his truck. As he walked halfway through the
cemetery he noticed a familiar car parked at the opposite end. It
was Maggie’s rental car.
What was she
doing
there?

Tyler wanted to see her
one more time and if it meant finding her there he would deal with
it, so he turned around and headed toward her car. Part way there
he noticed her standing in front of a large headstone and her body
was trembling.

Something was wrong, so he
wanted to see what he could do to soothe her. When he approached
where she stood, he expected to hear crying but he
didn’t.

He reached out his hand
and placed it on her shoulder. She jumped, and let out a terrified
squeak.

“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean
to scare you.” He soothed.

“Tyler…what are you doing
here?”

“I had someone I needed to
visit.”

“Your wife?” She
questioned.

“Yes, my wife and
child.”

“But I thought…” She
trailed off.

“It’s stupid I know, but
it was a loss either way, even if it wasn’t my baby.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean
to come off like that, and it’s really none of my
business.”

“No problem. What are you
doing here?” He raised an eyebrow.

“I came to visit my
parents. I figured while I was in town I should say some last
goodbyes since I didn’t attend their funeral.”

Tyler looked at the grave
she was standing by. “So your mom is buried here, but where is your
dad?”

“That’s the thing, he was
supposed to be here too, but I don’t know why he’s not. It just
doesn’t make sense.”

Tyler saw something flash
in her eyes that put him on high alert. Was it fear? Because he
knew for sure it wasn’t grief.

“I don’t know but you
could look at the public records at city hall. Maybe that would
give you a clue to where he is.”

“Good idea, are they open
today?”

“Should be, I could come
along if you need any help.” He offered.

“Yeah sure. But first I
should apologize for the way I acted yesterday; I’m just not myself
lately.”

“Well since I didn’t know
you when you were
normal
, I suppose I will take what I
can get at this point. Maybe after we dig around I could take you
out to dinner?”

“That sounds nice Tyler,
thank you.”

That was one step in the
right direction as far as he was concerned, if she agreed to dinner
then maybe they could talk and he could figure out what the hell
was up with her.

Sixteen

“I just don’t get it
Tyler, why is there nothing here about my father’s death? No death
certificate, not even an obituary.”

“Maybe we just need to keep
digging, there
has
to be something here.”

“We’ve been here for hours
already and nothing. I’ve looked through archives, files…what if he
isn’t dead after all?”

“If he wasn’t dead, then
why were you told he was that doesn’t make any sense? Who told you
he was deceased anyway?”

I let out a breath I
didn’t realize I’d been holding in. “My mother.”

“I guess the question is,
why would she tell you he was gone if he really wasn’t?”

I pushed back the files in
my hands across the table. We had been sitting in the public
records office in city hall for more than six hours. I was
exhausted and the realization that my father was still out there
somewhere hit me like a summer storm on the plains of
Texas.

“I think I need some air,
I’ll be right back.” I stood from the table and went
outside.

Why would my mother lie to
me? What was she proving by telling me that he was dead…if he
really wasn’t? I was so damn confused, and frightened. What if he
came back? And what if he knew I was here?

“Hey they are trying to
close up for the day; we can come back tomorrow and look some more
if you want.”

“I really don’t expect to
find anything; it’s just a dead end Tyler.”

“Okay well, why don’t we
have some dinner? The local diner is down the street.” He
suggested.

“I think I want to stay in
tonight, this is just too much to process right now. I have some
stuff we could cook at the house.”

“Alright, staying in it
is.”

We drove in separate
vehicles back to my parents’ home. It was strange, but I actually
missed being close to Tyler, he was sort of becoming a safety
blanket for me in the short time that I’d known him.

When we arrived back to
the house we parked our cars, and entered the house. I went
straight to the kitchen and started pulling out things that I’d
stocked the fridge with.

“So what’s on the menu
tonight?” He asked.

“Um, I have some chicken,
some salad, and that’s about it.”

“I’m sure we can make do
with that. Why don’t you go take a shower and get freshened up and
I’ll start cooking.”

“Sounds like a plan. And
Tyler, thank you for helping me today.”

He smiled back at me as I
left the kitchen to head upstairs. He was right; I needed a nice
long shower to clear my head of the confusion I now found myself
in.

When I reached the
bathroom I threw off my clothes and started the shower. I pinned my
hair on top of my head and waited until the water was filling the
room with steam. I stepped under the soothing spray of water and my
body nearly melted with relief. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been
standing there, but I was pulled out of my daze when I heard a
knock on the door.

“Yeah?” I
yelled.

“Hey, dinner is ready, are
you almost finished in there?” Tyler asked.

I wanted to be finished,
but I also wanted to stand there forever, just letting the water
slide over my weary body. But what I really wanted was company,
there in the shower.

“Um, just about done. Can
you bring me my robe off the bed? I forgot it.”

I didn’t forget it, but I
wanted an excuse for him to come in. I heard his footsteps to the
bedroom, and then the bathroom door creak open. The thought that he
was just beyond the shower curtain sent my libido up in
flames.

“It’s here on the
counter.”