Battle For The Womb (5 page)

Eva spent the entire four hour ride checking her
makeup and Lindsey kept complaining that her Facebook wouldn’t
connect; she’d snapped a whole album of selfies that beckoned to be
uploaded, her poor ego needing a warm stroking from the internet. I
share no such fascination with myself; my eyes were on the scenery,
not some electronic distraction I was hopelessly addicted to. “Turn
it off Linds!” I said, “What is so important on Facebook? Look
around you, it is beautiful out here!”

“Hmm, yea, I guess. I can always just look at Google
images.” she said, her face and fingers quickly returning to her
iPhone to show me pictures of trees, and then to her front facing
camera for another ego feeding selfie.

Eva looked over at her annoyed, even she was tired of
the small LED light blinding everybody every five minutes.
“Lindsey, put it away yea?” she said.

Finally Lindsey succumbed to peer pressure, putting
her phone in her purse, becoming visibly agitated in its absence, a
sign of true addiction.

I finally made it through the bumpy road and toward
the check-in at The Lone Pines.

“Alright you guys, we’re here. Sit tight, I’m going
to check in.” I pulled the car up to a small parking area, it was
deserted, strangely so. As I opened the door I realized no one was
in the small check-in booth, the wood looked old; there were
cobwebs and pine needles that looked like they hadn’t been swept
out in months. I had made reservations on the website recently, and
we made it in time. Someone should have been here. The entrance to
the park was closed off with a large, thick chain. Attached to it
was metal sign that read: “NO TRESSPASSING!”

As I walked back to the car, I noticed Eva and
Lindsey were annoyed, they could tell something wasn’t right.

“What the fuck, Jennie?” Eva said, “Didn’t you make
reservations?”

I leaned into the car from the open window, “I did. I
don’t know what the hell is going on.”

Lindsey sighed and reached for her phone. Neither of
them tried to help me, but it is what I expected so I had no reason
to be mad.

I walked up to the chain blocking the road and
noticed that the link connecting it to one of the metal poles it
hung on was loose. I removed the link and pulled the chain back and
to the other side of the road, allowing entry into the campground.
I darted back to the car, steam escaping from my breath as the cold
air chilled my ears. I rested on the open window and looked inside
at my friends. “OK guys,” I said, “I made reservations, and we’re
getting what we paid for. I didn’t pack this damn car for nothing
and I’m ready to do this. Who’s with me?”

Silence, the faces of women scorned looking back at
me.
Screw it.
I opened the car door back up and drove to our
site reservation. It didn’t take long there were only twenty spaces
and we were reserved for space thirteen. It was a strange feeling
though, the place was completely barren of life. I hadn’t seen
anything yet. Not a squirrel, or a dear, or even a rabbit. It was
just plain dead.

My friends were too occupied to notice the small
details that most people take for granted, but I looked at it as my
survival instinct being well honed; others had told me I had an
anxiety disorder and I was paranoid. Maybe they were right.

The sun was still up as light filtered through the
trees, I could see rays of light interspersed with shadows through
the windshield. It was so serene, like a scene from a movie. I
backed the car into our spot and popped the trunk. I was meticulous
to pack all we would need for the three nights of our stay: a tent,
stove, wood, chairs, food, sleeping bags, lanterns, you name it -
the last thing I was going to be was unprepared, especially this
deep into the forest.

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New Age Religion

It was a hot summer morning on a road toward Sedona,
AZ. Me and my two friends, Gwen, and Rose were on a quest of
enlightenment. We had met in yoga a year ago. We were all dealing
with the after effects of abusive men and punishing divorces, a
common bond that brought us together. In hindsight we sought refuge
in the comforting silence of yoga. It taught us to breathe, it
taught us to let the toxicity of our emotions escape with our
breath, and it taught us to live in the moment, something none of
us were ever able to do until our first backbend.

We were driving in from Lancaster, CA and were just
crossing the Mojave Desert. It was a barren wasteland of old mining
towns and volcanic rock formations. Dead tumbleweeds blew over the
land as the wind howled with hurricane force strength. Dust and
gravel were kicked up in small vortexes that ripped across the
landscape like mini tornados. The road was hot and cut through the
dirt like a black vein heading into oblivion.

“Kristy,” Gwen said, “You ever wonder what’s buried
out here?”

“No, Gwen. And I’d rather not.”

“It just seems like the perfect place to hide things.
Evidence, bodies, drugs. It makes me want to explore.”

“Well Gwen, I’ll let you out…” I said, “Let me know
what you find when I pick your parched, sun-stroked body up a week
from now on the way back.”

I wasn’t joking. This landscape scared me; but I knew
Gwen was right, there were secrets in the desert, secrets better
left buried as far as I was concerned. I could sense Gwen’s
continued delight at torturing me with these questions.

“Kristy, pull over.” Rose said, “I gotta pee.”

“Can you hold it?” I said.

“Sorry babe, it can’t wait.”

I was unnerved but understood the urge. I pulled the
car over into a sand embankment, the wheels dug in deep, a little
too deep for my comfort and I hoped I would be able to get out. I
kept telling myself not to get mad, not to get scared, but I
couldn’t help the fear I felt inside. I hated unscheduled stops,
especially ones in the middle of nowhere.

We all got out of the car to stretch our legs and
take in the desolate, Joshua tree studded scenery. It felt like I
had walked into a furnace; the heat took my breath away. “God
dammit it’s hot out here.” I said. I got back in the car and
clicked on the thermostat, the digital readout read 107 degrees. It
almost seemed inhuman.

I exited the car again to take in the view of the
sandy dunes. Soft sand rose upward and sloped downward, eventually
vanishing into the horizon. It was an endless expanse of nature,
unused and preserved for millennia; the only people brave enough to
endure these conditions were the Native Americans. Sitting out here
in this desperate heat I felt a newfound respect for their culture.
This was their land, land that was stolen long ago and locked away
by the United States government and the Bureau of Land
Management.

Rose finished urinating and headed back to the car, I
followed. As I looked back toward the road I saw large white sign
with bold, black lettering that read, “
NATIVE AMERICAN SWEAT
LODGE, TURN OFF IN 2 MILES AND HEAD EAST TOWARD THE RISING
SUN.
”

Gwen’s adventurous eyes caught the sign; they lit up
like firecrackers on the fourth of July. “You want to live a
little?” she said, staring at me with mischievous eyes, eyes that I
knew were up to no good.

“What do you mean?” I said.

“The sweat lodge, let’s go.”

“There is no way in hell am I getting involved with
that. People die in those huts. Have you felt it outside? Why in
the hell do you want to get hotter? Are you not uncomfortable
enough already?”

“Come on Kristy, you seriously need to live a little.
You’re too cooped up in your safe little world. I’ve heard the
trance state achieved in sweat lodges can be a peaceful, mind
expanding experience, transformative even. I want to go. Let’s put
it to a vote.” Gwen looked at Rose, “I guess you’re the deciding
vote. What’s it gunna be?”

“Umm... Umm. I’m not sure. Is it like a sauna?”

“Yes,” Gwen said, “exactly like a sauna.” My face
grew more annoyed by the second, sensing the obvious manipulation
and half-truth fed to Rose.

“Ok, Gwen. I’m in.” said Rose.

Gwen looked at me with a smirk on her face. “Get
ready to sweat out your apprehension and grow a pair. Think you can
hang?”

I didn’t want to be a pain in the ass so I went with
it; they already called me Queen Buzzkill, shortened to “Buzz.” I
couldn’t help wondering if Gwen was right, maybe it was time for
some adventure.

Continuing up the road we past one more sign, this
one read: “
NATIVE AMERICAN SWEAT LODGE, NEXT RIGHT!
-->
”.

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A Floating Surprise

It had all the makings of a long, hard day at work.
My fingers were sore from typing, my neck ached and there was an
overall exhaustion constantly leaving me drained. Stress kept me
tense in my leather chair as I watched emails come from my boss
that sent pulses of anger and frustration through me. I wanted to
scream; it was a tedious sensation which encompassed me daily and
the realization that, yes, this was my future. I too easily let the
negativity in, but this feeling of hopeless monotony was more than
I could stand.

“Finance,” I said, “Why did I get involved in this?!”
There were so many other options I could have chosen. Biology,
chemistry, all had a ring to it, an allure. I bought the fantasy of
money instead, thinking foolishly that if I had enough of it I
could buy my freedom; instead I sold my future at the expense of a
crippling, treatment resistant depression.

I put my head down and rested it in the palms of my
hands, blocking out the glow of my three LCD monitors when I heard
a knock at my door. It startled me.

“Helen,” Eva said, “Are you ok?”

I looked up toward Eva, my straightened hair a
frazzled mess, “No. Not even close, not now, not ever.”

Eva walked into my office and sat down on a leather
chair that was beginning to fall apart at the seams. She looked at
me confused, her blue eyes concentrating on me, “I thought you
loved this job babe?”

“Ha!” I said, laughing sarcastically. “I love it when
I get to go home, sure.” I wasn’t sure if crawling into the fetal
position and watching Netflix was something to look forward to, but
after what I had been through in my personal life, it was all I had
at this moment in time.

“Helen, come on now. We gotta get you out, this isn’t
healthy, hun.” Eva said.

“Out? Ha!” I laughed again.

“No, I’m serious Helen!” she said. “Listen, I’ve got
a surprise for you…”

“A surprise? For me? Why?” I said.

“Yes, for your birthday.”

Yes, my birthday, a day I cursed and scorned. I had
purposely kept it quiet, even the thought of the horrific birthday
song and its many variants made me cringe.

I paused before responding. “And… the surprise?”

Eva put her purse on the table, pulled out an
envelope and opened it. “Here,” she said, as she laid three tickets
down on my office desk.

I scooted my chair forward, and picked them up to
look at them. I was shocked. It was an all-expenses paid spa
weekend aboard the Luxurizer. It was a pleasure themed cruise ship
whereby you were pampered all weekend, disconnected from the world
and forced to relax.

“I… I don’t know what to say!” I had forgotten what
it felt like to get excited, this sensation was foreign. I had been
depressed for so long that it took something stupendous to make me
smile; this didn’t just make me smile, it made me happy.

“Thank you!” I said, “Ok! I see three tickets here.
You, me and who?”

“Debra from accounting,” she said. “You should see
her, she looks worse than you, completely devoid of life.”

“The tickets don’t expire, but Debra and I want to go
this weekend. In fact we are taking off tomorrow and Monday and
making it a four day weekend. Can you make it?”

“I can. I have a date but I’ll break it. I’m not into
the guy anyways.” I said

“Smart move,” Eva said. “Soon your body will be
renewed.” She laughed, but she was serious.

“It’s something about these jobs that deal with
numbers,” I said, “It’s like they just suck your soul right out of
you. And then it’s the employees and their needs. Then it’s the
boss’s needs, and it just never comes time to take care of
ourselves. It’s miserable.”

“Forget all that shit. Soon your tight ass will be in
the hands of a professional masseuse, your hair styled, and your
skin treated in a pool of rejuvenation. Just imagine it, a ripped
masseuse’s muscular arms rubbing you, his strong hands taking away
the knots in your back as you relax helplessly into sublime
ecstasy.”

“Yea?” I said. “The way you describe it Eva! Sounds…
sexual!” I laughed. She knew what she was doing, and she didn’t
have to sell me. I was good to go.