Barbara Freethy - Some Kind Of Wonderful (29 page)

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*  *  *
Caitlyn's mother convinced her to come home and spend the night with
them, and too tired to hang on
to her independence for one second
longer, Caitlyn agreed. She needed the distance. She didn't think
she
could stand to see Matt or hear Emily's cry. It would hurt too much. So
she packed a bag and let
her mother drive her home.
To her credit, Marilyn said next to nothing on the way there, just
reaffirming her support. Back at the house, Caitlyn excused herself,
climbed the stairs to her old bedroom, and collapsed on the bed. She
slept for five straight hours, waking up a little after nine o'clock
that night.
For a moment, she was disoriented by her surroundings and the darkening
light. She found herself reaching for Matt, listening for the baby,
only to realize that neither one of
them was there. All she
could do was wrap her arms around herself and
hope that the chill would eventually go away.
"Caitlyn, are you awake?" Marilyn pushed open the door to the bedroom.
"I thought I heard you stirring."
"And I thought I was being quiet."
"I still have a mother's ears." Marilyn sat down on the end of
Caitlyn's bed. "I'm glad you called me today."
"Thanks for coming."
"Thanks for asking."
Caitlyn picked at the top sheet, wondering if the lectures would now
begin, the endless suggestions on how she could repair her body, fix
her little problem, but her mother remained oddly quiet. Finally, she
looked over at her. "Well?"
"I was going to ask you the same thing."
"I had all sorts of tests, Mom. I even had a second opinion. There is
no miracle cure. I simply can't
have a baby."
"There's nothing simple about what you just said. I only wish you had
told me sooner. Why did you
keep it a secret?"
"I told myself I didn't want you to try to fix me, and I knew you would
try. Just like you fixed
everything else about me, my hair, my eyes, my
teeth, my body."
"Caitlyn—"
"No, wait, let me finish. That isn't really why I didn't tell you. Just
what I told myself. The other
reasons included not wanting to hurt you,
not wanting to tell you that you couldn't have grandchildren."
"You're more important than grandchildren."
"Well, that wasn't really why I didn't tell you, either."
"Good heavens. Are you going to make me guess?"
Her exasperation drew a reluctant smile from Caitlyn. "I couldn't
accept it, Mom. I knew if I said it out loud, if I told people, it
would be real, and I didn't want it to be real, so I pretended it
wasn't there."
"And you sent Brian away." Marilyn nodded her head as it all became
clear to her.
"It was easier with Brian gone. There wasn't any wedding to plan, no
future to think about, at least not one that included children. I
didn't have to deal with any of it. But that changed when a man knocked
on my door one night and told me there was a baby in the hallway."
"Matt."
"Matt," Caitlyn echoed. "His sister had dropped the baby off, asking
for help. It's a long story, but he wasn't sure where she was or if she
was coming back. I knew I should keep my distance. But one look
at that
baby and I was gone. I fell in love with Emily, head over heels in
love." She shook her head at
the hopelessness of it all.
"Are you sure Emily is the only one you fell in love with?"
"Of course." Caitlyn looked away from her mother's sharp gaze.
"We've come this far, Caitlyn. Don't you think you could tell me the
whole truth, especially if I promise not to point out why Matt is
completely unacceptable."
Caitlyn looked at her mother in surprise. Was that a teasing note in
her voice? Was there a smile trying
to fight past her cool expression?
"Is something funny?" Caitlyn asked suspiciously.
"No. Nothing is funny. Tell me about Matt."
"He's my neighbor."
"And he's very good looking in that rugged, dangerous, bad boy sort of
way."
"Mother! What do you know about bad boys?"
"I've been around the block a few times. And I'm not blind. I did
notice that Matt is a very attractive
man and that the two of you
couldn't keep your eyes off each other. At the time I still had hopes
that
you and Brian would get back together. I realize now I never had a
chance. Neither did Brian."
"Brian is a good man," Caitlyn said, the truth of that situation
becoming stunningly clear. "But I can't marry him to make you and Dad
happy, or even to make Brian happy. It wouldn't be fair. I'm not in
love with him. And I'm not the same girl he loved."
"No, I don't suppose you are."
"As for Matt. .." She let out a long weary sigh. "Maybe it's love. I
don't know. We weren't living in reality. Emily was just borrowed. It
was a mistake to start thinking that Matt and Emily and I were a
family. I kept telling myself to remember it would all end. But every
moment was so wonderful that I didn't want to back away. I knew I was
heading straight off a cliff, but I couldn't stop myself."
"That's the way love is, Caitlyn. It's madness. It's wonder It's cra/y
and beautiful and dangerous.
all at the same time."
Caitlyn had never heard her mother speak with such passion. "Is that
the way you feel about Dad?"
"All the time. Love will change your life forever, and it's no use
pretending it will go away just because you want it to."
"But it is over. Mom. Whatever we had is gone. Matt has the family he
missed all those years, and
now I'll go back to being his neighbor.
There won't be any reason to cross the hall, no crying baby,
no mystery
to solve, no nothing."
"How about love? That's a good reason to cross the hall. Are you so
sure Matt didn't fall in love with
you the same way
you fell for him?"
Caitlyn knew Matt had feelings toward her, but she also knew they were
tied up with Emily. "I think
he liked the way we made up a family,
because he'd missed that in his life. But without Emily, I don't know
who we are to each other."
"Maybe you should find out."
"I thought you said Matt was completely unacceptable."
Marilyn smiled. "Believe it or not, I'm going to let you figure this
one out on your own."
"You're awfully calm about all this," Caitlyn said suspiciously. "Why?"
"Don't you think one of us should be calm? I figure right now it should
probably be me."
"I'm still sorry there won't be any grandchildren for you."
"Oh, Caitlyn. It's you I feel bad for. I know how much you love
children. But there are other options. Maybe as time passes, you'll be
able to consider them."
"Adoption?"
"Why not? You fell in love with Emily. And she wasn't yours. She wasn't
Matt's, either, but that didn't stop the two of you from making a
family. Why couldn't you do it again?"
"That was different. Matt had no choice in that situation, but now he
does have a choice. What man wouldn't prefer a baby of his genes, his
blood?"
"The only one who can answer that is Matt."
"I can't deal with it right now. Everything has happened too fast. It's
too much. I need a break."
"You can stay here tonight, Caitlyn. But tomorrow you should go home,
because whether Matt is
across the hall or across town, it won't change how you feel about him.
And as much as
I would like
to fix this for you, I'm afraid the only person who can
fix this is you."
*  *  *
Late Friday morning Sarah walked into Jonathan's office with Emily in
her arms. Already, she had changed, her face a rosy pink, her eyes
alight, her posture optimistic. The reunion with Emily and her brother
had done amazing things for her confidence. Jonathan almost didn't
recognize the lost soul who had broken into his church only a week
earlier.
"Hi," she said simply.
"Hi yourself. You look like you had a good night."
"Emily still cried, but Matt sat up with both of us, and he told me
that she's been crying with him, too. Then he took me up on the roof of
his building, and Emily quieted right down. She likes being outside."
"No one should have to take care of a baby alone. I'm glad you don't
have to anymore."
"I don't want to get in Matt's way. I want to be able to make it on my
own. That's why I've decided to take that spot in the transitional
home, if it's still okay."
He smiled warmly at her. "It's still okay. They'll help you with
baby-sitting and job hunting, and you'll have other women to talk to
who've been in your shoes."
"That will be nice," Sarah replied, but her tone, the expression in her
eyes, told him she'd already moved on to something else in her head.
But what? He couldn't read her anymore. She'd gone from someone who was
hurt and helpless to a woman who was slowly taking control of her life.
He wondered if there would be any room left for him in that life. Not
that it should matter. He'd done his job. Only now he realized just how
personal that job had been.
"Can I still come and see you?" Sarah asked him.
He felt his pulse jump. "Do you want to?"
"Yes."
Their eyes met, and he saw an awareness there that had begun to grow in
the past few days.
"You've been a good friend to me," she added. "I'd like to be a friend
to you now."
"I'm not sure that I can be friends with you."
The light in her eyes vanished. "Oh, I guess not."
"Not because you're not worthy. That's not it." He took a big breath
and stepped over the line he'd
been straddling for the past week. "It's
because I'd like to be more than your friend."
"You would?" The light came back on along with a slow wondering smile.
"Yes."
"I would, too."
"Really?" He paused, trying to keep a lid on the joy that was racing
through him. "I don't want to take advantage of you, Sarah. I don't
want you to confuse gratitude with anything else. That's why I didn't
say anything before."
"I am grateful to you, Jonathan. I can't help that. But I like you as a
man, not just as a minister. In fact, the whole minister thing kind of
scares me, because I've never been very holy. And maybe a holy man
should have a woman who has lived a better life than I have."
"It's not where you've been, it's where you're going."
"Where we're going?" she asked hopefully.
He nodded but there was still a worry in his heart. "I don't know where
I'll end up, though, Sarah. If
we don't see a miracle at Sunday
service, I may be transferred somewhere else. I don't want to take
you
away from your brother."
"Maybe there will be a miracle on Sunday. I'm beginning to believe
anything is possible." Emily woke
up and stretched in Sarah's arms.
"Isn't she beautiful, Jonathan? Sometimes I look at her, and I am
completely awed."
"I know the feeling. I've been in awe since I found you in my church. I
thank God he sent you to me."
"Would it be wrong to ask if I can kiss you?"
"You don't ever have to ask." He met her halfway, his mouth closing
over hers with a sigh of satisfaction. In a few days he might not have
a church to serve, but if he could keep Sarah in his life, he wouldn't
need anyone else. For she had taught him to see the people instead of
the crowd, the human faces of
each individual instead of the masses
he'd once longed to preach to. He knew his calling now, for he'd
finally seen the trees instead of the forest.
twenty-three
Friday before work Matt dropped Sarah off at the church, where she
planned to spend the day. He had
a feeling he'd be
losing his sister again—and to a minister, no less. Who would have
thought someone in his dysfunctional family would end up with a man of
the cloth? The Lord certainly worked in mysterious ways, he thought
with amazement. But now that he had Sarah and Emily back in his life,
he wouldn't let them go too far. He had a family again. He could hardly
believe it.
Unfortunately, as he tried to get excited about digging into a new
story, his mind kept returning to
Caitlyn, to the awful pain he'd seen
in her eyes. He'd hurt her. He'd let her get close to Emily. Even
after
learning that she couldn't have children, he'd still encouraged the
attachment, because he liked having her attached, and not just to
Emily, but to him.
Now what?
It was the same question Caitlyn had asked him. Could they have a
relationship without Emily? Caitlyn thought he'd only
wanted her because he needed a mother figure for his niece. But did she
want him if
he didn't come with a baby in his arms? Had the attraction
been Emily or himself? The answer eluded him. Or maybe he was just
afraid to find it.
He'd never really thought long and hard about whether or not he wanted
children. Having kids had
always been on the distant horizon, after he
found Sarah, after he got his career going, after he found
the right
woman. But suddenly all those things had fallen into place, and here he
was, faced with the possibility of loving a woman who couldn't have
children.
Taking care of Emily had turned him into more of a family man than he
would have ever imagined, and he knew he didn't want to spend his life
without ever holding a baby again. But did the child really have
to
have his blood? His lines were less than stellar. And there were
children in the world who needed homes, babies like Emily, kids like
Sarah who'd gone to a foster home for a while. Maybe those kids needed
him. Maybe they needed Caitlyn, too. Maybe they all needed each other.
He leaned back in his chair, knowing that coming to work had been a
pointless exercise. He couldn't concentrate. For the first time his
personal life was more important than his professional one. He'd
always
defined himself as a newspaperman. Now he found himself wanting the
other titles, the titles
that belonged to men with wives and children.
Matt looked up, jolted out of his reverie as David stopped by his
cubicle, his tie loose around his neck,
his shirtsleeves rolled up to
his forearms. "I'm glad to see you back at work."
"If you can call it that."
"I gave you several leads."
Matt shrugged. "Nothing that exciting."
"So make it exciting. Dig up some dirt for me. Rattle some cages. Do
what you do best."
Matt ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not sure what that is anymore."
"She really turned you inside out, didn't she?"
"Who are you talking about?"
"You know damn well who I'm talking about—Caitlyn, the babe with the
blond hair and the great—"
"Don't say it. Don't even think it."
"A little possessive, aren't you?"
Matt tried to brush off the comment as completely incorrect, but it
wasn't. He couldn't imagine Caitlyn with another man. Which reminded
him that Brian was still lurking in the wings. If Caitlyn went running
to Brian ... well, he didn't want to think about that. She deserved
someone better.
She deserved him.
"Yo, Matt, where did you go?"
Matt started as he realized David was trying to get his attention.
"What did you say?"
"Look, why don't you go home, get your head together? You're no good to
me this way."
"What way?"
"Crazy in love," David said with a wide grin. "Never thought I'd live
to see the day when you'd crumble."
"I have not crumbled."
"You're completely gone."
"Well, it may not matter. I'm not sure Caitlyn wants me."
"Are you nuts? The woman couldn't take her eyes off you the other
night. I thought you were going
to set the room on fire there were so
many sparks between you."
"That's when I had a baby for her to love. Now, I don't."
"So have your own baby."
"She can't. Caitlyn can't have children."
David's smile disappeared. "Oh, man, that's rough."
"She loves kids, too. She'd be a fantastic mother."
"Maybe she could adopt."
"Maybe." He stood up. "You're right about one thing, I'm good for
nothing today. I'll be back Monday." Matt was about to leave when a
coworker stopped by his cubicle.
"Our firebug struck again, Chelsea Street. Someone saw a woman leaving
the area. Connie is checking
it out."
Matt's body stiffened as a sudden, terrifying possibility occurred to
him. Chelsea Street was right around the corner from his building.
"What did the woman look like?"
David sent him a curious look. "Hey, isn't Chelsea Street by your
place?"
"Do you know what the woman looked like?" Matt repeated.
"No description yet."
Matt grabbed his keys. "Give me the address."
The reporter rattled off the numbers, and Matt's anxiety heightened as
he realized how close it was to
his home. Please don't let it be a
woman with a straw hat and a watering can, he muttered silently as
he
ran down to his car. Although he had the sinking feeling that this was
yet another downturn in the rollercoaster he called his life.

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