Baby Be Mine (46 page)

He sighs. ‘You know that won’t last.’

I look down at my hands. ‘I know.’

‘Have you told any of your friends who you are?’

I laugh. ‘Who I am? You mean, who Barney is.’

He shrugs.

‘No,’ I admit. ‘No one’s been back here, either. I don’t really want to explain how I came to live in a house like this.’

‘You could say you won the lottery,’ he suggests with a grin.

‘I don’t want to lie anymore.’

He smiles sympathetically. ‘I was joking.’

‘I know.’

‘Well, I’m glad you’re happy.’ He starts to get up. ‘I’m going to get myself a drink. Want anything?’ He sighs at the look on my face. ‘Water, not whisky, Nutmeg.’

‘Oh, okay. Sorry.’ I smile shamefacedly after him as he leaves the room. I get up and clear the plates, taking them through to the kitchen. Johnny is looking in the fridge.

‘What are you after?’ I ask him.

‘Water,’ he replies.

‘The tap’s over there.’

‘Don’t you have any bottled water?’ he asks.

‘No!’ I grab him a glass and fill it from the tap. ‘Bloody celebrities,’ I mutter under my breath. He grins and takes the glass from me, leaning up against the countertop. God, he’s gorgeous.

‘What are you thinking?’ he asks with amusement.

‘Let’s go through to the living room,’ I reply, my face heating up.

‘That’s not what you were thinking,’ he says, raising his eyebrows.

‘How long are you planning on staying?’ I ask over my shoulder, ignoring his tone of voice.

‘Couple of days?’ he replies and I experience a surge of disappointment.

‘Just a couple of days?’

‘Don’t want to outstay my welcome.’

‘You’re not. You can stay longer, if you want.’

‘Maybe next time,’ he replies, and I wish I hadn’t said anything.

I sit down on the sofa and Johnny takes an armchair. Barney cries out on the monitor and Johnny is out of his seat like a shot. ‘I’ll go,’ he says, before I even have a chance to move. I stare after him in surprise as he leaves the room. He’s never done that before. He returns a few minutes later.

‘Okay?’ I ask, still slightly in shock. I know I shouldn’t be – he is his father and everything.

‘Fine.’ He collapses in his chair and stares up at the ceiling.

‘You do seem different, you know,’ I find myself saying.

‘I’ve missed him,’ he admits. ‘I thought I could kill the pain with drugs, but I can’t. The ache is still there.’ I hold my breath. Johnny rarely opens up like this. ‘I don’t want to be a fuck-up forever, like my dad,’ he adds.

Johnny’s mum died when he was thirteen, and he moved down to London to live with his dad. Back then his dad overdosed on drink, drugs and women, and even though Johnny’s mum warned him not to end up like his father, he always worries that he has.

‘I thought your dad had changed since he got married?’ It was almost three years ago.

He laughs bitterly and shakes his head. ‘He’s getting a divorce.’ He meets my eyes. ‘Shelley is pregnant,’ he explains.

‘No! But how old is she?’

‘Forty-five, something like that. Dad has been having an affair for the last year with some bimbo from the social club. So now my half-brother or half-sister is going to grow up having a shitty excuse for a father, just like I did.’

‘Oh, no, Johnny, I’m sorry.’

‘Just like Barney has,’ he adds.

‘Hey,’ I say warningly. ‘You’re not a shitty excuse for a father.’

He puts his head in his hands and moans. ‘I can’t believe I let all those fucked-up losers come over when he was in the house.’

I say nothing. I still can’t believe he did that either.

He glances up at me. ‘I didn’t take drugs that night.’

I avert my gaze.

‘I know you don’t believe me.’ He stares at me, anguished. ‘But it’s true. Not knowingly. Someone spiked my drink.’

I stare at him, not sure whether or not he’s telling the truth.

‘I swear to you, Meg. I was only drinking. That night, at least,’ he admits, because he can’t fool me that he was only abusing alcohol on the nights in December when the paps kept snapping him for the papers.

‘Who spiked your drink?’ Dana?

He looks down. ‘I don’t know.’

Neither of us says anything for a while.

‘I just wanted to explain,’ he tells me. ‘I really need you to understand.’

I shake my head. ‘I’ll never understand you.’

He regards me sadly. ‘No. I guess not,’ he says quietly.

‘Dana understood you,’ I point out, as sick nerves start to plague my insides.

He shakes his head. ‘No.’

‘More than I ever have.’

‘No,’ he says resolutely. ‘No, that’s not true.’

I pause. ‘I thought there was something about her that you couldn’t give up?’

He looks at me for a long time with those piercing eyes and I struggle not to look away. ‘Turns out I was wrong.’

‘You think,’ I say wryly.

‘If she’s capable of hurting herself like that to get back at me, then I’m as bad for her as she is for me. I assume you saw the stories in the press.’

I nod. ‘What if she changes?’

‘She won’t.’

‘You don’t know that.’ Why am I playing devil’s advocate?

‘Believe me, I do. Even if she gives up the drink and drugs she won’t change. There’s a darkness inside her. She’s not a good person to be around. For anyone to be around, not least my son.’

‘I never thought I’d hear you talking about her like that.’

He stares at me directly and I try to ignore the swirling nerves. ‘I had a lot of time to think about things while she was in rehab.’

Seconds pass before I tear my eyes away. ‘I think I’m going to go to bed.’

He nods and stands up before I do. ‘Me, too.’

He holds his hands down to me. I hesitate for a split second before taking them. His grasp is warm and firm as he pulls me to my feet, and then I’m standing right in front of him, holding his hands and looking up into his troubled eyes. It’s the second time this evening that a room has felt too small. I want to step backwards but the sofa is there. My heart starts to beat quicker, but I can’t look away. And then he lets go of my hands and puts his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. He rests his chin on the top of my head and my pulse starts to return to normal. This is just a hug. He’s not going to try to kiss me. I relax into him as he holds me tenderly and it feels like the most natural place in the world for me to be. Neither of us speaks, but I know he’s sorry. I know he regrets what he’s done to me. Eventually he lets me go and smiles down at me sadly. I feel at peace with him for the first time, possibly ever.

‘Night, night, Nutmeg,’ he says softly, squeezing my hand one last time before letting it go.

I smile up at him before pulling a funny face. ‘Hang on, you don’t even know which room you’re sleeping in.’

He pulls a sad face. ‘I thought I was sleeping in yours?’

‘Oi!’ I whack him on his arm. ‘You can’t give me one nice cuddle and then expect to get into my pants.’

He laughs. ‘Can’t I?’

‘No, you bloody can’t!’ Obviously he’s joking.

‘Come on, then. See me to my room.’

‘You can see yourself there. Up the stairs, down the corridor, second one to your right. I’ve got to clean up the kitchen.’

‘No, you don’t.’ He frowns, taking my hand again. ‘The kitchen can wait until the morning.’

‘What, when you get up at seven and come downstairs with your rubber gloves on?’

‘I might surprise you,’ he teases.

‘Alright, then,’ I concede as he leads me to the stairs, switching off lights as he goes. ‘I’ll have a lie-in.’

He chuckles softly. We reach his bedroom door. ‘This is you,’ I say.

‘Where’s your room?’ he asks.

‘I’m not telling you.’

‘What, in case I can’t keep my hands to myself in the middle of the night?’

‘Exactly. Not like that hasn’t happened before,’ I reply with a knowing look. He leans against the doorframe. Butterflies flit around my stomach, the earlier sickness a distant memory.

‘Give me another hug,’ he says, out of the blue. I giggle as I allow him to wrap his arms around me and hold me tight. It feels so right to be this close to him. I’ve missed him. Hang on, I’ve never felt this close to him. He gives me one last squeeze and then pulls away and opens his door.

‘Sleep tight,’ he says with a grin.

‘Goodnight, Johnny Jefferson,’ I reply and turn away. He spanks my bum.

‘Ow!’ I squawk to the sound of his laughter as he shuts the door in my face.

I go to bed that night feeling warm and happy and drunk with contentment. But in the middle of the night when I wake up, as I have done every night since I met that famous green-eyed rock star, my happiness turns to unease and I know that I have to be careful if I don’t want to get hurt again.

  Chapter 47  

‘Didn’t George Harrison use to live in Henley?’ Johnny asks as we pass a gated mansion. It’s Sunday, late morning, and we’re going for a walk into Henley.

‘I don’t know, did he?’

‘Yeah, you know George Harrison,’ he says facetiously. ‘Used to be in The Beatles.’

‘Who are The Beatles?’ I ask innocently. He smirks down at me. He’s always teasing me about my lack of taste in – and knowledge about – music. ‘I also remember that Morrissey used to be a member of The Smiths.’

‘Oh, well done,’ he says.

I still recall the time when I first went to work for Johnny in LA, going outside onto the terrace to hear him singing a song by The Smiths. I asked him if it was one he’d written. He wasn’t too impressed.

‘How far away is this playground?’

‘A bit of a walk. You need the exercise,’ I tease.

‘MEG!’ I hear a shout as we walk along the river. There’s a small fun fair in the local park and we’re on our way to let Barney go on the carousel.

‘Oh, God,’ I moan under my breath. It’s one of my new friends, Liz, who I met at Barney’s weekly playgroup. Johnny stops and turns around, distracting Barney with some bread for the ducks.

‘Hello!’ I say as she approaches.

‘I thought that was you!’ she calls, with a big grin on her face. She’s with her husband, Guy, who I’ve met a couple of times, and he’s carrying their two-year-old, Sam, on his shoulders. ‘Where’s Barney?’ she asks, looking around and then spotting him. ‘Oh, there he is. Hello, Barney!’

I realise with a sigh that there’s no escaping this. Johnny turns around and follows Barney over. The look on Liz’s face when she sees him is a picture.

‘This is my friend—’ I start to say.

‘John,’ Johnny interrupts, holding out his hand.

‘Oh, er, hi!’ Liz replies, taken aback, her gaze flitting between us. She’s clearly confused.

‘Hi, there,’ Guy says when the introductory handshake comes his way. ‘You all enjoying the sunshine?’

‘Oh, aye, it’s grand,’ Johnny says with a wink. Liz looks even more disconcerted.

‘We’re about to take Barney on the carousel,’ I tell her.

‘We’ve just come from there,’ she says with a smile, her eyes going up to Johnny’s again.

This is silly. I’m going to have to tell her. But not now; next time.

‘Are we still going to Monkey Music on Tuesday?’ I ask casually.

‘Absolutely,’ she says, backing away. ‘See you then.’

‘We’ll be there!’

‘See you again,’ Guy says merrily. ‘Enjoy the weekend.’ He’s still none the wiser.

‘You, too!’ Johnny and I reply before turning away. I look down to see Barney’s shoelace is undone. I bend down to tie it.

‘Have they gone?’ I ask under my breath.

‘Yes. Oh, no,’ he gives me a running commentary. ‘No, she’s just said something to him and now he’s looking over his shoulder.’ He starts to whistle under his breath as though completely unaware of the attention.

‘What are they doing now?’ I whisper up at him.

‘His jaw has just hit the ground.’

‘Look away! Look away!’ I exclaim. He grins down at me.

‘Don’t worry about it, Nutmeg. People were going to find out sooner or later.’

‘I was hoping it would be later.’

‘They might keep it quiet,’ he says reasonably.

I stand back up and sigh. ‘I suppose they might just assume you look like him. Surely she wouldn’t really think I was with Johnny Jefferson.’