Awakening (6 page)

“You know you can be alone here, right?  You don’t have to run from this.  We can figure it out.”  Danny turns, looking over the back of the couch, but still doesn’t get up.  His eyes are puffy and I can make out the redness in the whites of his eyes, even from this distance.

“I know I’m welcome here and I really don’t plan on being gone more than a few days.  I know you worry about me and I love you for that.  I just really need this time.  Please understand,” I plead.

“I don’t understand; that’s what’s confusing.  What am I supposed to understand?  Why you want to call off our engagement or why you mistook me for Skylar?”

“I’m going to try to lay it all out for you but I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.  Danny, when I was in a coma, you died.  You were gone.  It was just me.  I have never felt more terrible in my life.  I know it wasn’t real, but everything seemed like it was.  I mourned you and what we could have been.” The memory from my dream is coming to life with every word I speak.  I can feel every emotion I felt during that time and it’s getting harder to breathe, let alone talk.  I fight back the tears, push the loose strands of hair from my face and continue, “I moved on.  I fell in love with Skylar.  He was there for me.  He’s always been there for me.  I need to understand these feelings and why I’m having them.  I owe you more than a half-assed marriage.”

Danny tries to interject, and I know he has a lot to say, but if I don’t spit this out now, I probably never will.  Playing with the strings of my hooded sweatshirt, I look Danny dead in the eyes and tell him exactly what I think of our relationship and how much he means to me. “You’ve always been real with me and I need to be real with you.  I have such a strong connection with Sky, as my friend, but this was so much more.  He loved me and I loved him.  It’s playing tricks with my brain.  I love you and I owe this to both of us.  You deserve to be the only one in my heart and right now you’re not.  I can’t marry you knowing all of this.  I can’t hide it from you.  I need you to understand, not agree.  Just trust me.  You must have some inner struggle going on, too, since you didn’t tell me about Melissa.  If we get married, I want it to be because we’re soul mates and not just first loves.  Can you please just give me this time?” 

I finish my statement all in one breath.  I really hope he understands everything I just told him.  I wasn’t ready to say it.  I’m still not sure about anything I just said.  It all sounds so stupid and crazy.  I could be locked up in the mental ward for my thoughts.  I’m able to take a few deep breaths to replace the oxygen I just used to spill my guts before Danny responds.

“Pea, do you understand how twisted this sounds?  You’re trying to tell me that you dreamed that you love my best friend and now you don’t know if you want to be with me.  What kind of sense does that make?”  The confusion in Danny’s eyes is unmistakable.  I wish there was an easier way to explain everything.  Maybe a few days away from the situation will help me understand better, so I can give him exactly what he needs.

“I know it’s a lot to take in, but please, let me figure this out.  Please, Danny,
please
let me do this.”

“You don’t need my permission, Mira.  Take the time you need.  I’m here if you need me,” Danny says as he gets off the couch and walks toward his bedroom. 

I feel like I’m mourning the love of my life once again.  I don’t know how much more of this I can take.  There seems to be so much drama wrapped around this relationship, even though most of it isn’t real.  Is this ever going to end?  I can’t take much more.  I’m losing my grip with my sanity with every conversation I have and I know that Kylee is going to want details as soon as I’m alone with her. 

I hear Kylee’s car pulling in the driveway and the horn beep.  I’m walking to the door when I see Skylar standing in the hallway staring at me.  His crystal blue eyes sear into my soul. 

“You’re leaving, I take it?”

“Just for a little while.  I need to think and spend some time with Kylee.  I really miss her.  How much of that did you hear?” I ask, hoping it’s not that much.

“Pretty much everything.  You know you’re going to break his heart, don’t you?”

“You know you’re breaking mine,” I say, turning to the door to leave.  I can’t get out of here fast enough.  By the time I hit the car, the dam has broken and I’m a sobbing mess.  I try to catch my breath, but it’s not working.  Kylee starts rubbing my back in small circles while I hyperventilate in the front seat of her car. 

“Mira, honey, what’s going on?”

“Just get me out of here, please, Kylee.”

“Okay, we’re going,” Kylee says, pulling out of the driveway.

What am I going to do?

CHAPTER SIX

Mira

We pull up to the apartment that I share with Kylee in record time.  As she puts the car in park, she turns toward me and the look in her eyes is killing me. 
Kylee and her fucking looks
.  This one says, “I’m going to ask you what’s wrong and you’re going to tell me the truth or I will cut you.”

“Just ask the question, Ky.”

“What’s going on, Mi?  Please let me in.  I’m your best friend and I’ve
never
seen you this upset.  Something’s really wrong.”

I take a deep breath.  I’m mentally prepared to talk about this all over again with her and the time has come to pay the piper.  “Okay.  When I was in the coma, I dreamed a lot about Skylar.  Danny died and Sky was who I ended up with.  He was my boyfriend and I was so happy.  I loved him so much.  I woke up and felt the exact same way as I did in my dream, but Danny’s alive, I’m engaged and I don’t know what to do.”

“I already know this, hun.  Sky told me.  But the real question is, what do you
want
to do?  Does Danny know?  Have you talked to Sky?”  Kylee takes me by complete surprise.  I don’t usually get to see the sympathetic side of her, and I must say this is refreshing.  I was prepared to have a war of wits.  Now I just feel silly.

“I don’t know.”  I pull my legs up to my chest and rest my forehead on my knees, “I don’t know what to do.  I tell Sky and he pulls away from me, not even being friendly with me anymore.  I tell Danny and he acts like I’m a terrible person.  I can’t help the way I feel.  I didn’t ask for this.  One day everything is perfect and the next it’s a clusterfuck.  What do I do, Ky?  Please help me.”

Just when the tears subside, they start all over again.  At this point, I know I have to look terrible.  I can feel the lids of my eyes swelling and they sting when I try to wipe them. 
This won’t last forever, right?

“Let’s get you in the house, huh?  You need some rest and some girl time.  Movies and junk food?”

“Just when I think my life is as miserable as it can be, you always come through and remind me how lucky I am to have a best friend like you,” I say, wiping the last of the tears I will allow myself to cry.  I hug Kylee before I grab my bag from the floor board of the front seat and walk into the apartment. 

Everything here seems pretty much the same, only a little dirtier.  I was always the clean freak, where Kylee could strip naked in the living room and her clothes would be in the same spot for days until I picked them up to do laundry.  Our home is comforting and I can feel the stress being lifted off my shoulders every minute I spend here. 
Maybe I won’t go back to Danny and Skylar’s house.

Kylee orders a pizza and pulls out the collection of girly movies we’ve collected over the years.  When in doubt, always watch a sappy romance.  And of all the romances you can watch, Kylee puts in the one that she knows will cheer me up.  This has been my go to movie for years.  There is nothing better than watching Baby and Johnny strut their stuff.  And that lift at the end; that brings a smile to my face every damn time.

“We’re going to do that dance one day.  Find us some guys that have some skills and tear it the hell up,” Kylee jokes as she puts our dishes in the kitchen.  She brings back a couple of blankets and throws one over my legs.

“This was exactly what I needed.  Thanks, Ky.”  I lean back into the couch and feel more relaxed than I have since I woke up. 

“So, what now?  What do you feel like doing?”

“Tell me about Jacoby.  He seems nice, from the little bit of him I’ve seen.”

“Ohhh Emmmm Geeee, girl.  Let me tell you.  That boy, wow!  He’s amazing.”  Kylee can’t contain the smile that’s spreading across her face.  Either he’s really good in bed or she’s completely in love.  Maybe both.

“Are you guys serious?” I inquire.  Kylee’s never really had a serious boyfriend.  She’s always been the heartbreaker.  She’s breathtakingly beautiful and the boys come running.  She takes what she –can—not like money or –anything—just companionship, and then kicks them to the curb.  I can’t even begin to tell the tales of all the boys who would call all day and night, trying to figure out what happened and asking how they could “date” Kylee.  You can only say, “I’m sorry, Kylee isn’t the dating type,” so many times, before you consider changing the answering machine greeting to save you the breath.

“No, we’re not serious.  I met him right after the accident at a place where I interviewed.  I ended up not getting the job, but we went on a date or two and it just progressed from there. We’re just having a good time,” Kylee explains, looking a little sad.

“Is he a keeper?”

“Who knows?  We agreed to just be friends with a few benefits on the side.  I don’t want to rock the boat.  He could be
the one
, but who knows.  We’re just having fun.”

I used to think that Danny was my ‘one’ but Kylee’s right.  Who knows anymore?  I know I don’t.  I really wish I did, though.  I’m so torn, and watching my best friend being able to be carefree and have fun makes me a little jealous.  There have been only a handful of times I look back and think of something my mom told me, and I finally get it.

“Mi, don’t ride your bike with no hands, you’re going to fall.”
  And sure enough, I fell.  It hurt and I have the scars on my knees to prove it.

“Sweetheart, if you make a commitment, you honor it.  You’ll end up regretting it if you don’t.”
  When I quit the swim team my freshman year of high school, I did regret it.  I would go back and change it if I could.

And then there are the newest revelations, which I can apply to my current situation. 
Damn you, Mom, for always being right!

“Mira, don’t get too serious with any boys in college.  You’re going to want to experience everything.”

“I love that you have met someone so special to you, but you’re going to look back one day and wish you had experienced something else.”

“Aren’t you too young to be thinking about marriage?”

“Baby girl, people change the most between eighteen and twenty-five.”

I know that none of this really reflects my situation, but if I had listened, I wouldn’t be having such conflicting feelings.  I love Danny but I love Skylar, too. 

“Mira, get outta your head.  You’re here so you can just be you, without that drama.  There’s plenty of time to figure it out, let’s enjoy our night.  It’s just us!”

“You’re right.”  Kylee always knows exactly what to say and I really am grateful for her.  She’s kind of the other half to my soul.  Sometimes I think you aren’t going to find a boy that’s your soul mate, most of the time it’s going to be your best friend. 

The rest of the night we talk about boys, things that happened while I was in the hospital and funny memories from our past.  These are the times I will remember most when I’m old and gray.  This is the kind of friendship I want my kids to experience. 

We basically do the same thing for the next two days.  Danny or Skylar haven’t tried to call me.  When I start to feel sad and depressed, I remember this is what I asked for.  I wanted time to think and be with Kylee.  It’s really helping.  The time away hasn’t changed my feelings for Skylar.  I almost broke down and called him a few times, but I hold strong.

Falling asleep is the hardest thing for me.  The same dream repeats in my head over and over again.

“Mira, I love you so fucking much,” Skylar says, taking my bottom lip between his teeth and slightly biting. 

“I love you most.”  I return the kiss with just as much passion. 

Skylar strips all the clothing from my body, our mouths never breaking contact.  He kisses every inch of my body, worshiping me. 

Just when he’s about to enter me, I wake up in a cold sweat and my heart beating out of control.  It’s almost too much to bear and I wish it would stop—or continue—
fuck
, who knows what I want?  I never have these dreams about Danny, though.

I’ve been tossing thoughts around every single day.  If I want Skylar, he’s not going to be with me.  He’s too close to Danny to hurt him like that.  If I want Danny, it’s going to break Skylar’s heart.  Someone’s getting hurt here, but who’s going to end up with a happily ever after?  Maybe I should just choose me and spare the boys the time of fighting.  I can let them hurt for a little while, but eventually both of them would get over me and my issues.  I would hurt for a lifetime, but they would be free.  It’s worth a second thought.

While I’m deep in thought, trying to plan the rest of my life, Kylee busts through my bedroom door.

“So, I found this new band on Facebook called Rebel Walking. I want you to listen to one of their songs.”

“Okay …” I’m beyond confused.  Did she really just come through the door, like the Kool Aid Man, to ask me to listen to a song?

The look on her face is priceless.  She looks like a teenage girl who’s heard a boy-band for the first time ever.  I guess I can entertain her and listen. 
Not too bad.

We spend the rest of the day gabbing about bands we love and listening to old songs on YouTube.  Kylee even broke out the New Edition dance right here in my bedroom.  We end up sitting on my bed with our laptops and try to see who can pick the best song.  It’s bouncing from TuPac to NSync and then back to Vanilla Ice and New Kids on the Block.