Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (49 page)

My heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest, stomped on a few hundred times, and then set on fire when the doctor said the survival rate for severe sepsis is only 50 to 70 percent. I can’t lose Chris. I thought I already found the one woman I was meant to give my life to, but I was wrong. Chris is that woman. She’s the one I live and breathe for. She’s the one my heart beats for. She’s the one I’m meant to make a family with. And she’s the one I’m meant to grow old with and die beside.

I squeeze my eyes shut and clutch her hand tighter when I remember how I walked out on her. I left with her believing I didn’t love her, that I didn’t care for her. The sound of her broken voice plays over and over in my heart. The questions she asked me and my stupid answers. Answers she believed, but answers that were far from the truth. And I may not ever be able to tell her how stupid and scared I was. How much I love her. She’s only ever said she loved me once. I want to hear her say it again and again for a lifetime.

The others talk quietly around me, but I don’t listen to them. The only sound I hear is the beeping of Chris’s heartbeat from the machines they have her hooked up to. The doctor said her heart rate was low due to the infection. Hearing the steady beeping sound soothes me. When they first brought her in, her temperature was 104.1, which is dangerously high for an adult. Her hand is still warmer than it should be, but they’ve managed to bring it down some.

I feel a hand at my shoulder and look up to see Bailey standing beside me. She has on a pair of scrubs and gloves cover her hands, just as everyone else in the room does, except for me and Jase. Although the chances are low, there is a chance that the infection can be passed on to others. The nurses required everyone to wear the scrubs and gloves for protection. Jase and I refused. There’s no way I’m putting something between Chris and me. If I become infected, then so be it. I wouldn’t want to live without her anyway.

“Why don’t you go grab some coffee?” she suggests softly.

I shake my head. “I’m fine.” There’s no way I’m leaving. I’ll sit here until Chris shows me her beautiful eyes.

“Nick—”

“I’m not leaving her, Bailey,” I tell her and turn back to Chris.

Her mouth is open around the breathing tube they have down her throat. They gave her one to take the stress off her breathing on her own. Her hair surrounds her head on the pillow. She’s only been here for a few hours, but she looks like she’s been here weeks. The red in her cheeks isn’t as deep as before, but it’s still present. She has several IVs hooked to her arms and she still has the electrodes on her chest so they can monitor her heartbeat and pulse.

“Okay,” Bailey relents when she realizes I’m not going anywhere. “We’ll bring something back for you.”

I nod, not really caring. After she and Jaxon gets everyone’s orders, they walk out of the room. I briefly notice Jase standing next to the bed, holding on to Chris’s other hand. He also has tears in his eyes. Andrew stands beside him with one of his hands in one of Jase’s back pockets. Down at the end of the bed are Mac and Mia. She’s standing in front of Mac and he has one arm thrown over her shoulder. The look on both their faces is worry.

I lay my head back down and continue watching her.

Four days later, I’m still in the same spot. The tests came back showing no damage to Chris’s internal organs. Luckily, they caught the infection before it had a chance to do harm. They did emergency surgery to remove any remains of the fetus and placenta. The antibiotics and fluids the doctors have running through her body are healing her, but she’s still not waking up. The doctors aren’t sure why not. They removed the breathing tube yesterday, saying she no longer needs it. Their only real concern now is her heart. Although there was no damage found and they can’t find any reason for it, her heart rate continues to be low.

I feel a presence at my side. I keep my eyes on Chris.

“Nick, you need to go get some rest,” Mia says. “You’ve been here for days. Why don’t you go home, take a shower, and get a few hours of sleep? We’ll call you if there’s any change.”

I don’t even consider her ridiculous suggestion. It’s the same thing every day. They try to talk me into sleeping, or eating, or just going out to get some fresh air. And I always refuse. The blazes of hell couldn’t pull me away. I already have to force myself to get up to use the bathroom and shower. I sleep and eat right here beside Chris. An orderly brought me a rollaway bed the first night, but I still haven’t used it. My back’s killing me from leaning over the bed and resting my head beside Chris to sleep, but I’ll take the pain over being even across the room from her.

The only comfort I get is from the steady beat of her heart on the monitor. Only when I can’t hold it anymore do I use the restroom, and my showers are the quickest I’ve ever taken. When I leave the room to do those things and can’t hear the beep of the monitor, my heart pounds triple time in my chest, and I start to freak out. I become panicky and sweaty and have to rush back until I hear the sound. It’s not lost on me that Chris is fighting to pick up her heart rate and when I leave the room mine beats too fast.

“Dude, you need to get up and move around some. At least go take a walk down the hall.” This comes from Jase, who is standing leaning against the wall a few feet away.

Aside from me, Jase has been here the most. He’s almost as bad as I am. But he at least leaves at night. I can see the wear and tear on his face and what this is doing to him. I was surprised when he didn’t try to kick me out of the room when she was first brought in. I think some of it had to do with Andrew. He threw me dirty looks the first night, but since then his attitude toward me has changed. I don’t know if it’s because he sees how much this is tearing me up or he’s just tired and too worried about Chris. Either way, I don’t care. I would have laid his ass out if he even attempted to move me from my spot.

I look at him with bleak eyes. “Would you leave if it was Andrew?”

He drops his eyes from me, and I turn to Mia, “What if it was Mac? Would you leave to go sleep somewhere away from him?”

Her eyes, which are already sad, turn even more sorrowful. With a shake of her head, she utters, “No.”

“I can’t leave her. I’m scared something will happen if I’m not here,” I whisper brokenly my deep-seated fear.

“She’s gonna beat this,” Jase says, his own voice rough. “She has to. She’s too damn stubborn not to.”

I pick up her limp hand and bring it to my mouth. I do this a lot. Having her as close as I can helps. I’d lie in bed with her if I could, but it’s so damn small and I don’t want to jar her.

“I’m going to go down to the cafeteria to grab something to eat,” Mia says, getting up from the chair down at the end of the bed. “Do you want me to bring you something?”

“No,” I say, without looking at her. I only eat when I have to and when I do, it turns my stomach.

“Nick, you need to eat something. You need to keep your strength up for Chris.”

She’s right. I’ve lost weight. I can see it in the mirror. My cheeks are narrower and my jeans hang loose on my hips. But I can’t seem to care. If Chris doesn’t live, I don’t see a point anyway. I won’t want to live if she doesn’t. As soon as she opens her eyes, I’ll start taking better care of myself. Until then, I’ll only eat when I have to.

“Just go. I’ll get something later,” I tell her, knowing it’s a lie.

She looks at me doubtfully, know it’s a lie herself. Thankfully she doesn’t call me out on it.

“I’ll go with you,” Jase says.

“Wait,” I tell him and he halts in his tracks. “There’s something I need to tell you first.”

He stays quiet as he waits for me to continue. This is something I need him to know because next to Chris, he’s been the most affected by my actions. They are very close and I know the pain I’ve put Chris through is something that was hard for him to witness.

“I know,” I start, but stop to clear the dryness from my throat. “I know I’ll never be what she deserves, I’ll never be able to make up for the pain I’ve caused her, but I swear on my life, Jase, on everything I’ve ever held dear, that I will
never
hurt her again. I’ll
never
leave her again. If she wakes up,
when
she wakes up,” I reiterate because I refuse to think otherwise. “I will cherish her and love her for the rest of my life. And I’ll do everything in my power to make her happy. I need you to understand that. I waited too fucking long to realize that Chris is my life. I have a lot to make up for, and I know nothing I do
will
make up for it, but you need to know I’m sorry. So fucking sorry for everything I’ve done and all the shit I’ve put her through. You’re her brother and you love her too. I know you’ve hurt as well because you had to watch her pain from my asshole behavior, and I’m sorry for that too.”

He watches me while I talk, and I hold his stare. He needs to see in my eyes that I speak the truth. The rift between us made by my behavior needs to be closed. I want him to know that he never has to worry about Chris again. I’d rather cut off all four limbs than see even a smidgeon of hurt cross Chris’s face.

After several tense seconds, with an unreadable expression, Jase walks to my side of the bed. I stand up from the chair I’m in and Jase places his hand on my shoulder.

“You have no idea how many times I wanted to kill you for what you’ve put her through,” he says roughly, squeezing my shoulder tightly. “The kind of pain I saw on her face was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to see. I hated seeing the love shine in her eyes when she looked at you, and then watching it be replaced by pain. You’re right, she’s my sister and I love her. And with that and because I’ve watched the pain you’ve been in these last few days, I realize now that only someone who loves deeply would hurt as much as you have been. I can’t imagine the pain you went through when you lost Anna, but I’m glad you finally realized that my sister should be loved just as fiercely.”

His words bring an ache to my chest. Love is nowhere near a strong enough word for what I feel for Chris. There’s no way to describe the feeling I have in my heart for her. But it feels good to know he recognizes that I’ll do anything to keep from hurting her again.

“Thank you.” I push the words out through my tight throat.

Jase pulls me forward for a hug, surprising the shit out of me. What’s even more surprising is when I hug him back. We cling to each other as we both grieve the woman lying in the bed beside us.

We pull back a few seconds later. I look over and see Mia standing by the door with tears rolling down her face.

Jase backs away from me. “We’ll be back in just a bit,” he says roughly.

I nod, sit back down, and grab Chris’s hand again.

I’m glad Jase is leaving with Mia. It’s just me and the two of them here at the moment. Mac’s working and Jaxon’s at the bar, Andrew is on his way here, and Bailey’s at home with Amari. It’s not often I get alone time with Chris. I know they’ll all be by later though. They always stop by at least once a day. Karyn, Ethan, Jaxon and Mia’s mom, Lily, her fiancé, Levi, their aunt and uncle, Maggie, Mac’s mom, Nitra, even Jake and Jack, they’ve all come by. Chris’s room is filled to bursting with flowers, teddy bears, and Get Well Soon balloons. She’s become such a huge part of the community and they all love her.

I swallow back the tears that are threatening to spill over as I look at Chris. Bailey braided her hair the other day to keep it out of the way and so it won’t get tangled. Her face is tilted toward me. Her thick lashes rest on her cheek. Her features are relaxed, as if in slumber. How much I wish that were true.

I reach up and run my finger down the soft skin of her cheek.

“Chris, baby, please come back to me,” I whisper.

I lay my head on her stomach and feel the rise and fall. It gives me some comfort.

“I’m so sorry, Sugar. I’m sorry for being too fucking scared to realize what I had in you. And I’m sorry for lying to you.”

I put her hand on my cheek as I stare up at her, tears leaking on her green-checkered nightgown.

I whisper the words I should have told her when she asked me those questions in her room four days ago.

“You don’t mean anything to me, Chris, because you mean everything to me. I don’t care for you a little bit, because I love you with everything I have in me. And you don’t have just some of my love, you have every single ounce I have to give.”

Keeping Chris’s hand in mine, I lift my head, lean my elbows on the bed, bow my head for several seconds, and then lift it again.

“You once told me that love was endless, that we all have enough to give it to anyone we choose. You were right, Sugar. But you were also wrong. I’ll always love Anna. The love we had was special. But my love for you is different than the love I have for her. My love for you is so much more. And it will only ever be yours. It runs all the way to my soul and fills every fiber of my being. It fills every gap and crevice until I’m completely consumed by it.”

I take a deep breath, trying to pull air into my suddenly empty lungs. They fill with Chris’s vanilla and sugar scent. It’s hard to talk past the lump in my throat, but I need her to know how I feel. I don’t know if she can even hear me, but I hope she can. I hope my words reach wherever she is right now in her mind. It tears me up thinking she may think I don’t love her. That she lay in that bed in her apartment after I left thinking I didn’t want her.