Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (39 page)

Her words destroy me. They’re uttered with so much pain. Pain that I’ve caused. I ball my hands into fists, fighting the urge to go to her. To get down on my knees and beg and plead with her to forgive me for everything I’ve done. To tell her I want exactly what she said she can give me. I want her love. I want the happiness she promises. But I’m a coward. I’m a coward and a bastard for not allowing myself to let go of a dream I can no longer have, and for realizing I could have another dream that could be just as good, if not better, and not grabbing a hold of it.

On laden feet, I walk away without looking back, knowing that I’m breaking the one woman who means more to me than anything else in this world.

I pull up to my darkened house with a heavy heart. I get out of my truck and head toward the porch, but at the last minute make a detour to the barn. Flipping the light on, I walk to the work bench and the cabinets above it. I open the door and immediately see what I’m looking for and grab it off the shelf. Cracking open the cheap bottle of liquor, I take two hefty swallows. I wince as the harsh liquor burns its way down my throat and into my gut. I stashed the bottle here months ago and forgot about it until now. I’ve missed the taste, but at the same time, I hate it. It shows my weakness.

With bottle in hand, I walk back to the house and head straight to the basement door with one destination in mind.

Pushing the door open to Anna’s room, I’m met with a heavy wave of her scent. A chill runs down my spine, but I ignore it. I pick an open box and sit next to it on the floor. After taking another couple swallows of my liquor, I slide the box closer and tip it over until the contents spill out in front of me. Hundreds of pictures spread out across the floor. All of me and Anna, ranging from when we were kids to adults. I sift through and look at each of them. The pain of seeing Anna happy and carefree hurts, but the breathless pain I’m used to feeling isn’t there. I love Anna and I’ll always love her, but I need to let her go. I can’t keep doing this. It’s literally destroying my life. I’m terrified to let her go, but I know I need to.

I know what I have to do, but gathering the courage to do it is something I have to work on. I haven’t been back to her gravesite since the day we buried her. I don’t know if it’s because I was in denial or if the thought of going to the place where her body is, is just too painful, but I’ve never been able to bring myself back to that place. I’m ashamed of that fact.

“I’m sorry, Anna,” I murmur into the quiet room.

I pick the pictures up and put them back in the box. Grabbing a roll of tape off another box, I slide a piece across the top, sealing it shut. I do that to every box that’s open, and each one I close, pain lances my heart. Once they are all closed, I grab my bottle of cheap liquor by the neck and carry it with me to the open doorway. I don’t want the shit, so I’m going to pour it down the drain.

I turn and take one last look at the room.

“I’ll always love you,” I whisper, then turn and close the door behind me.

Chris

A couple nights later, I’m sitting at the bar at Jaxon’s with Bailey and Mia beside me. They came by earlier and demanded I come out with them, saying it’s been too long since I’ve been away from the apartment. It’s true. Besides going to Jase’s house the other day, going to work, and then to Jaxon’s for my shifts, I’ve been huddled up in my apartment. I just have no desire to deal with people. I miss hanging out with my friends, but I also need the time alone.

Bailey doesn’t know what happened between me and Nick two nights ago and Mia still doesn’t know about the baby. I feel terrible for not telling her. My reasoning is I still haven’t told Nick, and he deserves to know before even more people do. As soon as I opened the door to the two women, Mia knew right away something was wrong. Before she got a chance to ask me about it, Bailey dragged me from my apartment, saying we were going to play pool. I’ve avoided Mia’s questioning gaze all night. I’ve also avoided being alone with her, because I know she’ll ask me what’s going on as soon as we are. When she tried ordering us shots, I turned mine down with the excuse of a headache coming on and not wanting to make it worse.

I’ve tried showing that I’m enjoying myself, but I know I fall short. Jase is here as well and he keeps giving me worried glances. I know he’s wondering if I’ve told Nick yet. I’ve avoided his phone calls the last couple of days, not wanting to deal with telling him I haven’t. Having built the courage to tell Nick a couple days ago, I found I lost it again after what happened that night. I know keeping it from him is wrong, and I’m sure Jase thinks badly of me for it. I plan on stopping by Nick’s house tomorrow after work to tell him. It’s been kept a secret long enough.

Speaking of Nick, my breath whooshes out when I see him walking through the door. His eyes immediately catch mine and he stops in the doorway, like he’s going to turn back around. He looks like he hasn’t slept much, and I wonder if his dreams are keeping him up again. He obviously had a bad one that night in my apartment and that’s what had him so spooked.

After standing in the doorway for several seconds, he lets the door close behind him and walks over to take a seat on the other side of Bailey.

I turn back to face the bar and eat the rest of my burger.

“So,” Bailey says. “Thanksgiving is coming up soon and Jaxon’s mom wants everyone at her and Levi’s house for dinner. That includes your mom, Andrew.”

Andrew leans on the bar, grabs a length of Bailey’s hair, and gives it a gentle tug. “I’ll talk to her about it.”

She nods and adds, “She also invited Ally, Becky, and Brent.”

“I’ll talk to them, too. I’m not sure of their plans yet. They may be going to one of their parents’ houses.”

“Okay. Let me know when you do, so I can give her a head count.” She turns to Nick and asks, “You’ll be in town right?”

It’s loud in the bar, so I don’t hear his reply, but obviously it is a yes, because Bailey looks happy with his answer.

“Hey!” all of a sudden Andrew shouts across the room. “Keep your damn eyes off my man’s ass before I pluck them out.”

We all turn to see Jase standing by the pool tables looking back at Andrew with a smirk on his face. Jesse and Mac are there with another guy. The poor unknown guy looks frightened by Andrew’s shouted words and immediately walks to the other side of the pool table, far from Jase.

A few chuckles are heard as we turn back to face Andrew.

“Can’t take the damn man anywhere without someone ogling him,” Andrew says, taking away my empty plate and wiping the counter. “No lie. We were in town the other day and some fool ran off the road because he was eyeing him instead of watching the fucking road.”

“I think maybe you’re embellishing that tale a little bit, Andrew,” Jaxon says, walking up beside Andrew and catching the conversation.

“The hell I am!” he replies incredulously. “The guy damn near took out a telephone pole. Luckily, he missed and hit a mailbox instead. Besides, have you looked at Jase lately? He’s better looking than me, and that’s saying something, because, you know….” He trails off and sweeps his hands down his body.

“Yeah, yeah, we know. You’re one hot mofo,” Mia says on the other side of me, rolling her eyes.

He throws her a wink. “You said it.”

We all laugh, because, well… that’s what we do when we’re around Andrew. He’s conceited, but he’s also one of the most loyal and nicest guys anyone could ever know. I look down at his shirt and smirk. It’s black with white letters that read Cocks Wanted above a rainbow-colored rooster. He sees me looking and grins cockily at me.

Mac walks behind Mia and puts his arms around her and places his hands on the bar. She snuggles back against him. My stomach rumbles and hunger pangs hit me. I just had a burger and fries but it feels like I haven’t eaten in a week. You’d think I was eight months pregnant with all the food I’m scarfing down lately. The nausea and headaches haven’t been back since that day I took the test. I’m grateful for that, but I’m going to be as big as a house before I have this baby.

“Hey, Andrew,” I call before he can walk away. “Can you get Hoot to cook me another burger?”

His eyes widen at my request. “Damn, woman. You just had one, and fries on top of that. You eat like you’re pregnant or something.”

I hear several laughs but they sound distant. His words have me freezing on my stool and all the air in my lungs whooshing out. There’s music playing from the jukebox, but I swear the place just went dead silent. I see spots float across my eyes and sound is muffled.

All I can do is stare at Andrew. When he sees my reaction to his words, his lips form the words “Oh shit” before his eyes leave mine to look at, I assume, Nick. No one moves around me, but I can feel all their eyes on me. I draw in a large lungful of air and let it back out, trying to relieve some of the pressure in my chest.

“Oh my God, you’re pregnant,” Mia says softly beside me.

I don’t move my eyes off Andrew. All I can do is hope and pray that Nick didn’t hear him. I don’t want him to find out this way. I need to be the one to tell him.

My hopes are dashed when I feel a hand clamp down painfully on my arm. I know who the hand belongs to, but I don’t want to look. I’m terrified of what I’ll see.

“Is what he said true?” Nick demands. My hearing comes back tenfold. It sounds like the question was shouted in my ear.

I squeeze my eyes shut to push the tears away, and turn to face him. The look in his eyes when I open mine again has me shrinking back in my chair. I’ve never seen them look so hard and filled with hatred. He doesn’t look like any Nick I’ve ever seen.

“Nick, man, careful,” Mac warns him.

Nick ignores him and brings his face closer to mine. “Is it true?” he asks harshly through gritted teeth.

I move my eyes over his shoulder to see Bailey looking at me with sympathy and concern. She has tears brimming in her eyes. I look next at Andrew and Jaxon. Andrew still looks shocked, but also apologetic. Jaxon has his narrowed eyes pinned on Nick.

Nick grabs my chin and jerks my head back to him. “Look at me, damn it!”

“Hey, asshole!” I hear a shout from across the room. “Get your fucking hand off my sister!” Jase storms up beside Nick and yanks his hand away.

It happens so fast there’s no way anyone could have stopped it. I cry out when Nick whips around to Jase and slams his fist into his jaw, causing him to stumble back a few steps and bump into a table. Both Andrew and Jaxon jump over the bar. Andrew heads to Jase, who’s rubbing his jaw, and Jaxon goes to Nick, who has turned back to me. I watch in horror as Jase pushes Andrew off him and charges toward Nick.

“You motherfucker!” Jase roars as he plows into his back, pushing him forward. I screech as Mac pulls me out of the way and they ram into the bar right where I was standing, before falling to the floor in a tangled mass of muscle.

“Stop!” I scream at the top of my lungs, fisting my hands in my hair. “Please, just stop!”

They both hear me and come to a stop. Nick’s on top of Jase on the floor, with his fist reared back, ready to lay into him. When he looks up at me, I see a red mark forming above his eye. Jase doesn’t look much better, a purple bruise on his jaw already forming. I hate seeing them like this. I hate knowing it’s because of me they are fighting. I feel a twinge of pain in my stomach at being the cause of the two men I love the most wanting to hurt each other.

“Please stop fighting,” I yell hoarsely.

I look at Nick, who’s crawled off Jase and is now standing facing me. Andrew’s trying to help Jase up, but he looks too pissed to want the help. Andrew brings his piercing eyes at Nick. He looks like he wants to take a swing at Nick himself as he glares at his back. “Yes, I’m pregnant. Okay? I’m sorry I haven’t told you yet. I was still trying to come to grips with it myself.”

I see him trying to calm himself down. He takes a couple of deep breaths and squeezes his eyes shut. When he opens them again, they look wild and crazy. His hands clench and unclench at his side.

“Let’s go,” he says, and takes a step toward me.

“She’s not going anywhere with you, fucker,” Jase growls, trying to throw Andrew off, who now has his arms around his middle.