Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (36 page)

“’S alright. You okay now?” I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear and swipe my thumb across her cheek.

She nods. I help her up and again she washes her mouth with mouthwash.

“Promise you’ll make an appointment tomorrow?” I ask, but it comes out more a demand.

She nods. “I will.” I step back when pushes away from the sink.

“I’m going to lie back down for a bit and hope the rest of this goes away.”

I walk with her back to the bedroom and pull the covers over her. She must have changed the sheets when she got up because there’s a fresh set on the bed. I get down on the floor by her head.

“I’ve got to head out. There are a few things I have to take care of at home. I’ll be back in a bit.”

She’s back to avoiding my eyes when hers move to my throat. Even so, they look sad. “You don’t have to. Bailey’s supposed to be coming over for a while.”

I have no fucking clue what’s going on, why she’s all of a sudden withdrawing. Maybe she’s had enough of our arrangement. Maybe she feels she can’t do it anymore. The thought of that, of never touching her again, almost cripples me. It’s only been a short three weeks. I’m not ready to let her go, but I can’t demand we continue this toxic relationship either. I don’t let that emotion show though. I’ll be damned if I show her how her aloofness hurts. Instead, I get up from the floor and grab my boots. With my back to her, I sit on the bed to put them on.

“Do you need anything before I leave?” I ask stiffly, without looking at her.

“No, but thank you,” she says quietly.

“Call me if you do. And call me when you decide to go over to the kid’s house.”

I’m grabbing my wallet and phone off the nightstand when I hear her soft “Okay.”

Without another word, I leave her. I’m at the door when she calls my name.

“Nick?”

Gritting my teeth, I force myself to turn around and face her. Seeing her huddled in that bed makes me want to rush back, crawl in bed behind her, and never let her go.

“I’m sorry,” she says, her voice low.

It takes me a minute, but then I say to her, “Yeah. Me too. More than you know.”

And then I turn around, walk out the door, and leave her apartment, feeling like my heart just cracked right down the center. I try to rub the ache away but it doesn’t help. When I get in my truck and drive away, I feel like I’m not only leaving her behind, but also a piece of myself.

I hang up my phone and drop it on the desk in front of me with a tired sigh. Twisting my neck from left to right, I try to work out the kinks that are forming there. Once again, I’m not sleeping worth shit and it’s starting to wear on me. Unsurprisingly, it started three days ago, the day I left Chris in her bed. I haven’t heard a word from her since. I’ve tried calling her a couple times, but receive no answer. The day I left, I called Bailey that evening to check up on her. Her answer was evasive, only telling me Chris was better, up and moving around. Relief swept through me knowing she was over her migraine, but then suspicion took over. Something was definitely going on and Bailey knew about it too. It hurt knowing that Chris didn’t come to me with whatever it was, but then again, I haven’t been very forthcoming with my own feelings, so I can’t really blame her. But it still hurt nonetheless. Then anger took hold because she wasn’t big enough to tell me we’re over. Instead, she’s taking the coward’s way out by ignoring me.

Since Chris and I started our arrangement, my dreams have lessened. I still have them, but while I was with Chris, not very often; only a couple, I believe. They were the ones of Chris dying in my arms instead of Anna. Each one terrified me. My only saving grace was I didn’t wake up screaming her name. Instead, I’d just jolt awake and sit on the side of the bed to try to catch my bearings. But as soon as I felt Chris’s innocent touch, I’d lose it. Nothing and no one could stop me from taking her. I
needed
to feel her body against mine. It was the only way for me to know she was truly okay.

Since the day I left though, my dreams have changed once again. I’m always standing in front of Anna. She’s wearing a white flowing dress and her hair blows in the wind. Her beauty takes my breath away. However, she looks worried. Her lips move silently, trying to tell me something, but she never makes a sound. When I try to go to her, the closer I’d get, the farther away she is. Then the dream shifts and I’m in front of Chris. She’s also in a dress, except hers is black. She’s not facing me, instead looking off in the distance with a sad expression. I call out to her, but she doesn’t hear me, just stands there unmoving. And just like with Anna, I can never reach her. I don’t know what either dream means, but they scare me shitless.

I shake my head to rid myself of my thoughts and get up from behind my desk. Tiredly, I make my way to the bathroom and a much-needed shower. It’s still early, but I’ve been up since dawn doing last-minute improvements to the house. Other than a few things here and there, it’s complete. It feels good to be done with it, but a part of me still grieves that Anna wasn’t here to help.

Stripping down, I walk into my shower and stand with my head bowed to let the water rain down on me. I miss Chris more than I thought possible. These last few days have been torture. There’ve been so many times I’ve had to restrain myself from going to her. I tried taking my mind off her by finishing the house, but it hasn’t worked. Every move or change I make to the place, I wonder if she would approve. The only thing that kept me from going after her is the knowledge that she’s better off. I won’t force her to continue what we had. It would be selfish of me, because I know it’s bound to end eventually. It’s better to end it now before she gets hurt.

I soap and rinse, then turn off the water. Grabbing a towel, I wrap it around my waist and find myself standing in front of the mirror. My eyes fall to the heart tattoo on my chest, right over my own heart. Looking at the date, I wait for the heavy debilitating pain to form underneath the tattoo. I’m surprised to find it’s there, but it doesn’t take my breath away like it normally does.

Bringing my eyes back to my face, I cross my eyes and blow out my cheeks, and then drop the expression when I feel like a complete idiot. I have no idea how Chris can do that every time she sees her reflection, but I miss seeing her do it. I frown when I realize she didn’t do it when I was in the bathroom with her the last time I was there. It could be because she was sick, but for some reason I don’t think that’s it. I don’t see sickness stopping her from doing something she’s done since she was a child. Whatever the reason is, I don’t like that it took something so important away from her.

Flipping the light off, I go to my room, shed my towel, and climb into bed. I think back to my phone call from earlier. A potential client wants me to fly to West Virginia to talk over plans for a hotel he wants built in the mountains. I leave in a week. Even though I haven’t seen Chris in three days, I still don’t like the thought of leaving, especially with things the way they are. But then again, it may be good to get away and clear my head a bit. Something has to change, because it seems like all I can do is think about her. It’s driving me insane, not being near her. But it’s also making me crazy, because I want those thoughts to go away. She’s dug her way into my life when I didn’t want her to.

Yes
,
what I need is a few days and hundreds of miles away from Chris, and once I come back, things will go back to normal
.

Or as normal as I’ll ever have.

Chris

“What in the hell do you mean, you’re pregnant?” Jase yells, jumping up from the couch and causing me to wince. “How in the fuck did this happen?”

I tip my lips up into a smirk and reply, “Well, you see, when two people—”

He doesn’t let me finish. “I know how it fucking happened, Chris. This isn’t a laughing matter. I want to know
how
it fucking happened. Aren’t you on birth control or some shit? Didn’t he use a condom?”

Well, at least he didn’t question me on who the father was.

“Calm down, Jase,” I tell him. “Yes, I was on birth control. That’s why we didn’t use a condom. We didn’t think we needed to. Obviously we were in the one percentile.”

“Jesus! Fuck!” he says, pacing back and forth and running his fingers through his hair in frustration. He whips back around to face me. “Does he know?” he demands.

I twist my hands in my lap and look down at them, surely looking guilty. “No,” I mutter.

“What?” he yells again.

I look back up at him, getting pissed at his high-handedness.

“No!” I yell back. “I haven’t told him yet! But I plan to! Now back off!”

He scowls at me for a moment before he takes a deep breath. The scowl is gone when he releases it. Walking over to me, he sits down on the couch.

“I’m sorry, Chris. It just took me by surprise. I’m shocked.” He grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me forward until my face lands in his chest. I wrap my arms around his back. We sit this way for several minutes.

It feels good to be able to tell Jase. It’s been almost a week since I found out I was pregnant. The initial shock and worry have worn off and the idea of having Nick’s baby has taken root. I know the chances of me losing Nick are great, but the thought of having his baby has helped. The pure joy of knowing I will always have a part of him overrides the pain of losing him. But I still can’t help but wish and hope that I’m wrong and Nick will welcome us both.

“I know,” I say against Jase’s chest. “Believe me, I was shocked too. Still am. It’s not like it was planned or anything. But things happen sometimes. I’m happy though, and that’s all that should matter.”

He pulls back from me but places both of his palms again my cheeks, holding my eyes with his.

“You being happy
is
all that matters. I’m just worried about you. Why haven’t you told Nick?”

I swallow the fear his question provokes. There’s no telling how Nick will react. And not knowing what he’ll say or do scares the bejesus out of me.

“I’m scared,” I whisper brokenly, tears forming in my eyes. “I know I’m not what he wants. I just don’t know how he’ll take it.”

“If he knows what’s good for him he’ll take it how any man should take it and step up to do his duty,” he asserts in a hard voice.

“Stop it, Jase.” My eyes turn watery. “I don’t want me or my baby to be a duty. I want him to want us both for ourselves, not because he’s obligated to.”

Tears start rolling down my cheeks. I try to wipe them away but they’re coming too fast. My emotions are all over the place lately. Which is to be expected, because I’m pregnant.

I’m pregnant.

It’s still so weird to think about it.

“Hey.” Jase draws my attention back to him. “We’ll get through this. If that asshole doesn’t want you and that baby, then he doesn’t deserve you. You still have me, Andrew, and everyone else.”

I don’t agree with him. Yes, I deserve a man who would love me and my baby wholeheartedly, but it’s not Nick’s fault he is the way he is. Grief comes in many forms; sometimes that grief keeps you from allowing others to get close to you. I have no doubt that if Nick and I were in a different situation, he would give everything for me and the baby.

I don’t say any of this to Jase, though. He’s my brother and automatically thinks any man should love me, no matter the circumstances.

I give him a watery smile. “Thanks, Jase.”

“When are you going to tell him?”

I shrug, not sure of my answer. I’m still building up the courage.

“I don’t know. Soon.”

“I want to be there when you do. I don’t want you alone with him,” he states.

I shake my head immediately. “No. I need to do this on my own. He deserves to be told in private.” When he tries to object, I lay a hand on his cheek. “I’ll be fine, Jase. Really. No matter what he says. But I need to do this my way.”

He doesn’t look happy, but he reluctantly agrees with a nod.

“Now, feed me,” I demand and get up from the couch. “Me and the little bean are hungry.”

Still sitting, he wrinkles his nose and looks at my stomach. “Really? You nicknamed him bean?” He leans in close to my stomach and whispers, as if I won’t hear him. “Don’t worry, kid. We’ll come up with something better, like Nugget. Or Monster! Yes, I like Monster!”