Awaken Me (The Jaded Series Book 4) (24 page)

I forgo looking in the mirror, not able to face my reflection. I walk to the shower, turn the cold on full blast, and step inside. For once, the calming spray of the rain shower head doesn’t smooth the tension from my shoulders. I decide to stay in the shower long enough to give Chris time to collect herself, before taking her home. Through all the heartache I’ve caused, I hope Chris finally realizes the mistake she made by putting her efforts into me. Hopefully she’ll be able to move on.

After ten minutes of soaking in the shower, I turn it off, grab a towel, and get out. I didn’t bring any clothes with me, so I slip on yesterday’s sweats that are sitting in the corner. No way am I going out there in just a towel. It would only embarrass Chris and make me want to whip it off and take her again. I’m discovering my willpower is nonexistent when it comes to her.

When I walk back into the bedroom, I find it empty. Figuring she’s probably in the living room waiting on me, I grab a shirt, pull my socks and boots on, and head out of my bedroom and down the hall. The living room is empty and so is the kitchen. Going from room to room, I don’t find her anywhere. Outside, both front and back, proves no different.

A sinking suspicion that she may be walking home enters my mind, and I hope I’m wrong. But I don’t see any other alternative. She’d be too embarrassed to call anyone to come get her, and besides, there wasn’t enough time for that.

I grab my keys from the table by the door, snag a black zip-up hoodie from the coat closet, and stomp out to my truck. I know she’s upset and I’m sure a little pissed, but she should know better than to just leave like that and walk home. Yes, we live in a safe town, it’s small and not much crime goes on, but shit still happens. She should know that after what Bailey, Anna, Mia, and Jase went through. Nowhere is 100 percent safe. Not to mention the fact that it’s cold outside and she’s in just a sleeveless top and flimsy skirt.

The more I think of her out there by herself, not thinking clearly, the more pissed and worried I get. I understand her not wanting to be around me after what I did, but her ass should have stayed until I was out of the shower and could take her home.

I slam my door shut, start my truck, and go after the woman who’s been a pain in my ass for way too long.
 

Chris

I lie curled up in a ball with tears leaking out onto Nick’s pillow, the same pillow I used several times to cuddle up to, and watch as he walks into the bathroom, silently closing the door behind him. I’ve managed to only let a few tears fall, but as soon at that door closes, the dam breaks lose. I bury my head into the pillow to drown out my sobs.

I only allow myself to pour out my agony and humiliation against his pillow for a couple of minutes before I uncurl myself and robotically get out of bed. I wince from the soreness between my legs.

I’m such an idiot to think Nick could ever look at me with more than disgust, or at the very least without hatred in his eyes. When he whispered those words, asking me if I would let a man fuck me when he would be thinking about someone else, I wanted to scream no. I had hoped he was just trying to scare me away. I didn’t really think he would actually be thinking about Anna. Who does that? How can you have sex with one person and be thinking about another? Obviously Nick can. It was stupid and naive of me to think what he said wasn’t true. When he shouted her name, I swear I heard my heart shatter into a million tiny pieces. Never have I felt a pain so deep and piercing as I did in that moment. It left me paralyzed, with no hope of pulling air into my lungs.

Even so, while he was resting his weight on my back, I waited for him to take me in his arms and tell me he was lying. To confess it was
me
he was thinking about. When he pulled away and left me there a broken mess on his bed, the miniscule piece that was left of my heart disintegrated. I’ve never felt so empty and alone in my life.

With the shower running, I find my clothes and slip them back on. It’s past ten o’clock and it’s cold outside, but there’s no way I want to be here when Nick gets done with his shower. My car is still at home, and my purse, which has my phone in it, is at Jaxon’s. Even if I did have my phone, there’s no way I would call anyone to witness my walk of shame and utter mortification. I’ll just walk home. It’ll be a cold day in hell before I ask Nick to take me.

Once my clothes are back on, I quickly walk down the hall, thankful that I’m wearing my ballet flats. I wipe the tears still trailing down my face as I make it to the door. Without looking back, I slip out and walk down the steps, vaguely noticing Nick finished the porch.

As I walk down the driveway and out onto the dark deserted street, I realize that I never really had a chance with Nick. He doesn’t want to get over his grief and there’s nothing anyone can say or do to make him change his mind. He wants to stay wrapped up in his life with Anna and what the future could have held from him. He’s not willing to think of an alternate future. It’s a sad realization, one that makes me want to scream at God for letting it happen.

I wrap my arms around my stomach as a cold breeze washes over me. My feet are already numb from the frozen street beneath them, but I still march on. I only live a couple miles away so it’s not too much of a walk. I may be frozen by then, but I’ll take that over facing Nick.

I jerk my head to the side when I hear a crackle in the woods. I peer into the darkness, but don’t see anything. It’s really dark out tonight. I look up and see no moon in sight. It’s just my luck that the one night I have to walk home there’s no moon.

I hear an engine and turn to see headlights approaching. I move off the road onto the grass. The road I’m on is the main highway through town, but normally this late at night it’s not busy. I hope the person behind the wheel keeps going and doesn’t stop to investigate why a woman is walking down the road alone.

My hope is dashed when they slow down. The lights are blinding so I can’t get a good look at the vehicle until it pulls up beside me. I release a tired breath when Nick’s truck comes into view. I don’t acknowledge him.

“Get in, Chris,” he says, leaning over the passenger seat and peering out the window.

I wrap my arms tighter around myself and keep walking without looking at him.

He pulls the truck ahead of me and stops, puts it in park, and jumps out. I walk further in the grass to go around. I don’t know how much longer I can hold it in. Being around him hurts too much. I made a fool of myself back at his house. I can only imagine what I looked like to him.

I’m rounding the hood of his truck when he comes around on the other side. He stops right in front of me so I have no choice but to stop as well. I step to my right, only to have him grab my arm. I flinch and pull back but he doesn’t let me. I look at his chest as I say quietly, “Let go of my arm.”

He ignores me. “Get in the truck, Sugar.”

I yank at my arm, but he still doesn’t let me go.

“Please let me go,” I whisper to his chest.

“Why?”

I snap my head up with his ridiculous question and narrow my eyes. I can’t believe he has the gall to ask me that. What in the hell is wrong with him? Do I mean so little to him that he doesn’t realize the damage he’s done?

“Why?” I grind out between clenched teeth. I lean up on my toes and get in his face. “You’re really asking me that? You expect me to want a man to touch me who called out someone else’s name while he fucked me?”

He holds my stare, his eyes going hard.

“I warned you,” he whispers harshly. “I asked you several times, but you were greedy and took it anyway. You
knew
what you were getting.”

I rock back on my heels, hurt beyond belief. He’s right. I did know and he did warn me, and I disregarded his warning. But it still makes me feel dirty and used.

“Who does that?” I ask, my voice hoarse from the emotions I’m trying to hold in. “Who sleeps with someone, knowing they’ll be thinking about someone else? No one has ever made me feel so low in my life as you did in that moment, Nick.” My voice gets louder the more I talk. “And you know what? You’re right. I let it happen. It’s my own fault. You did warn me and I didn’t listen. Now I have to live with that regret.”

I drop my eyes from his, no longer able to hold his stare. My eyes tear up again, but I blink them away. I don’t want to cry in front of him again. It’s already bad enough he thinks I’m pathetic; I don’t want to give him more ammo against me.

“Can you just take me home now?”

I’m done. I’m done fighting him. I’m done feeling worthless when it comes to him. I’m done feeling like I’m nothing. I’m done trying to be something he clearly doesn’t want. I just want to go home, crawl in my bed, and lick my wounds in private. Only then will I allow myself to cry out all my pain.

He releases my arm, but doesn’t step away. I feel his finger at my chin when he lifts it. I close my eyes so I don’t have to see his.

“Look at me, Chris,”

His demand is spoken softly, and against my will, I find myself doing what he said. I’m surprised at what I see there when I do. It’s not the ugliness I saw just seconds ago, but remorse and shame.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry,” he says quietly, rubbing his finger along my cheek.

I close my eyes and bask in the feeling of his finger. It’s stupid, and I know I shouldn’t, but it feels nice. His words sound sincere, and I want to believe him, but it’s hard with the pain still raw and his voice calling out Anna’s name still fresh in my head.

I take a step back from him and he drops his hand. Resignation crosses his face.

“Let’s go.”

He walks me to the passenger side of the truck and opens the door. Before I climb inside, he reaches in and pulls out a hoodie and wraps it around my shoulders. “Arms,” he says. I slide my arms inside and he zips it up. His scent surrounds me and another pinch of pain surfaces. I keep my eyes downcast, not able to face his gaze.

He steps back, and I get in the truck. He closes the door and walks around to the other side. Once he’s behind the wheel, he turns the heater on full blast. I feel the warmth from it on my face, but I’m still cold on the inside. I don’t know if I’ll ever be warm again.

We sit in silence and it’s not long before he’s pulling in behind Jaxon’s Pub. I grab the handle, but before I can open the door, his gently spoken words stop me.

“I really am sorry, Chris. I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry I can’t be what you want. I’m sorry I’m stuck in this place I’m in. You deserve so much more than I can give you. I just don’t have in me what you need from a man. That part of me died two years ago.”

I grab the handle tighter, his words bringing tears to my eyes again. One slides down my cheek, and I wipe it away. I look over at him and see his hands tight around the steering wheel. He’s looking out into the darkness.

“I’m sorry too, Nick. I wanted so much to give you what you needed, but I know now I can’t. I wish you all the happiness in the world, even if you think you don’t deserve it. You do. You deserve it more than anyone. And I know you don’t want to hear this, but Anna would want that for you, too.” I pull in a lungful of air and open the door. Before I close it, I look back at him. “I won’t bother you again.”

Even though it was him that came to me tonight and not the other way around, I think deep down I was hoping he would. I never really had any interest in Jesse. I think the only reason I agreed to dance with him is because I knew Nick was watching, and I had hoped him seeing me with someone else would make him finally see me as more than a pain in the ass.

I would have never guessed that it would backfire on me as it did.

I close the door behind me and walk to the small fake potted plant beside the steps. Grabbing the hide-a-key, because mine is still in my purse in the bar, I pull open the outside door. Without looking back at Nick still sitting in his idling truck, I close the door and walk to my apartment door. I unlock it, step inside, and close the door. Leaning back against is, I slide down the wall until my ass hits the floor. There, I draw my knees to my chest, wrap my arms around them, let my head fall forward, and let loose all the heartache of losing someone I never had in the first place.