Average American Male (24 page)

I blew a load all over myself and had to go into the bathroom she was showering in and pretend to be pissing so I could clean myself off.

I realize the last clip, cumsisteranna.wmv, which I just put in the folder, is the first Diamond in the Rough I’ve come across since dating Alyna.

As I drag the contents of the entire folder into my Roxio CD burner window and hit the burn button, I wonder how many more Diamonds in the Rough I’ll find over the course of our relationship.

As the disk burns I jerk off to an elaborate fantasy involving all the girlfriends I’ve ever had fucking each other in Jenna’s parents’ bedroom.

Long Story Short

In the week after Alyna’s graduation we fucked twice. She gave me one blow job, but finished it by jerking me off. She cited anxiety about her future as the reason for her decreased sex drive.

In the month after Alyna graduated we fucked four times, each time in the missionary position, except once with her on top. She sucked my dick twice, but only after I asked.

In the sixth-month period after her graduation we celebrated our one-year anniversary and fucked forty-seven times, thirty-three of which were initiated by me. I came on her tits six times, each time believing that shooting some of my load “accidentally” on her face might jar her from her increasingly problematic lack of interest in sex.

In the year after Alyna graduated we fucked seventy-four times, the last twelve to fourteen of which were almost like fucking a corpse.

During this time, Alyna held various part-time jobs at flower shops and coffeehouses and began taking acting classes at various acting studios.

I fucked her in the ass seven times. I jerked off three hundred and thirty-four times, only fantasizing about Alyna twelve times when I actually blew my load.

The relationship has very clearly run its course and this is its final state. I’m surprised this doesn’t enrage me more. Instead, Alyna’s lack of desire to fuck has given birth to a rapidly growing disinterest in her that strangely hasn’t been replaced by interest in anyone or anything else.

It will never be like it was. It will never be better than this.

The End

After an entire morning of lying in my bed watching TV and not fucking, we’re sitting outside eating lunch at Swingers in Santa Monica.

She says, “So I think I’ve figured out what I want to do with this whole acting thing.”

I take a bite of scrambled eggs.

“I mean, I like taking acting classes and everything, but I don’t think I’m getting anywhere with it. I need to change it up a little.”

I take another bite.

“I’m not sure straight acting is what I really want to do anymore.

I think I want to try to be like a funny actress, you know, on a sitcom or something. Some of my friends from school are going to take some comedy classes at Improv Olympic and I think I’m going to do it with them, then try to go on some auditions or something. I mean, I live in L.A., right? I might as well give it a shot.”

I look over through the big glass wall at a guy sitting across from his girlfriend inside Swingers. She’s talking about something as he eats his scrambled eggs and stares into space. I’m pretty sure she’s telling him that she wants to be a comedic actress and I’m also pretty sure that they lay in his bed for the entire morning before coming here and I’m also pretty sure she didn’t fuck him either.

As Alyna keeps telling me how much fun she thinks comedic acting class will be, I come to a sudden realization that is as horrifying as it is liberating. The uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach for the past five or six months isn’t due to the fact that Alyna seems to have lost her desire to fuck me. It’s caused by something else entirely and knowing its source alleviates it completely.

Alyna has slowly become Casey. Aside from her ass, which I’m sure will eventually match Casey’s, Alyna has become everything in Casey that made me not want to marry her. Or maybe she was like Casey from the very start but she fucked me so much in the begin-ning I couldn’t see it. Either way, this realization changes something in me.

I look at all the other bitches in Swingers and they all might as well be Casey, or Alyna, or whoever they are.

I take another bite of scrambled eggs knowing that any bitch I ever fuck will ultimately become any other bitch I’ve ever fucked and they’ll all become the fat old bitch eating yogurt in the airport. I look at Alyna and see Casey, Jenna, Katy, and every bitch I’ve ever fucked or gotten head from or a hand job or even thought about while I jerked off. There is nothing better. There is no fucking escape.

That night we’re lying in my bed, both completely naked, watching Conan O’Brien. As Conan interviews Molly Shannon I try to think of all the possible excuses Alyna might use to avoid fucking me tonight.

She uses one I did not think of, which is that she’s too excited about going to sign up for Improv Olympic classes, and unwittingly sets the following inevitable conversation in motion:

“Alyna?”

She rolls over and says, “Yeah?”

“I was thinking about some things today.”

“What things?”

“Just about us and about you.”

“What about us and me?”

“Alyna . . .”

“What?”

“Will you marry me?”

Her lack of hesitation as she accepts disgusts me. I wade through an hour of faked joy and hugs and kisses and assurances that we are going to be happy forever. After Alyna calms down, I wait for her to fall asleep without touching my dick and then go to the bathroom and jerk off.

Mom, thanks for always encouraging me to write and be creative. I’m sorry the end result of that encouragement is something you will not want to read.

Dad, thanks for teaching me self-discipline and thanks for giving me a good education. I know this isn’t the same as playing pro-baseball, but it’s still pretty cool.

I love you guys and I hope this book doesn’t lose you any friends or anything.

Chad Kultgen graduated from the University of Southern California School of Film and Television. He lives in California. This is his first book.

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