Average American Male (14 page)

Just before we both fall asleep I wonder if Alyna will fall in love with me.

Post-Lunch with Carlos

After eating the same lunch we eat every Saturday at the CPK in the Beverly Center, Carlos and I are across the street at the music store in the Beverly Connection in the DVD section shopping for his mom’s birthday present.

Carlos holds up the Vin Diesel Pacifier DVD and says, “You think my mom would like this? I would love to suck his cock.”

“I’m sure he’d love that.”

“You never know. Anyway that’s neither here nor there. I still can’t believe you and Casey are kaput. I mean, despite all the shit you always complained about, I thought you guys would wind up married—maybe divorced down the line, but married at some point.

That is funny though about her mom writing you that letter. Do you still have it?”

“Yeah.”

“I want to read it. I love shit like that.” He picks up a Spider-Man DVD and says, “I think I remember my mom telling me that she and my dad saw this movie like three or four times.” He flips the DVD over and reads the back as he says, “Tobey Maguire . . . I’d suck his dick so fucking good.”

“Is he gay?”

“You don’t have to be gay to have your dick sucked.” He looks through some more DVDs and then says, “And you still haven’t talked to her since she showed up at your house stalker-style?”

“No.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, that’s pretty cold. But maybe it’s for the best.

You don’t want her getting the idea that you want her back in your life if you don’t. I fucked this one little Chinese hardbody for about a week and a half before I got sick and tired of getting poked by his two-inch pushpin and dumped him on Valentine’s Day. But I kept talking to him, you know, just to be nice, and he somehow thought that meant he could drop by anytime and try to make me cum with his little nub.

Jesus, that was a long two weeks. Anyway, like I was saying, it’s probably better you don’t talk to her.”

“I agree.”

He holds up an Assassins DVD and says, “My mom likes Stallone.

Do you think either one of these guys would let me suck their cock?”

“I don’t know.”

“And now what’s the deal with this new girl? She sucked your dick and you ate her out, and she’s the same one you went on that other date with?”

“Right.”

“Do you think it’s a little quick to be jumping right back into another cunt?”

“I’m not jumping into anything. It was just a date.”

“For me, wrapping my lips around a cock is just a date. For any girl, though, sucking some guy’s dick is not just a date. Didn’t you say she just got out of some long-term relationship, too?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for getting off as much as you possibly can in this life, but this looks like trouble to me.”

“Trouble was being engaged to Casey. If Alyna’s trouble, at least she’s trouble with a perfect fucking ass.”

He holds up Ace Ventura and says, “She hates Jim Carrey. Maybe I should get her this. I don’t know why, but I’ve always had a crush on him. I think it has something to do with that scene in the second one when he crawls out of that rhino’s ass naked.” He puts the DVD back on the shelf and says, “I mean, did she snuggle up to you after you guys finished or did you guys fall asleep together or anything?”

“We fell asleep in her bed, but we weren’t snuggled up or anything.”

“Did she touch you at all?”

“Yeah. She has a small bed. It couldn’t be helped.”

“Then in the morning what happened?”

“I got up and left.”

“Jesus, did you even say, ‘Thanks for the blow job?’”

“I kissed her and we both said we had a good time and all that, then I left.”

“Well, just be careful. After getting out of something like you had with Casey, I think it’s very easy to fall right back into the same trap if you don’t watch out. And you didn’t even give me any time to convince you that women are all evil bitches and you should give guys a try.”

He laughs at his joke, then picks up a Wizard of Oz DVD and says,

“This is it. She fucking loves this stupid movie. So many fags love it, too, but I fucking hate it. All those little midgets and that fucking song that every guy I’ve ever fucked knows by heart and actually starts fucking singing when we’re watching it. I don’t know how many times I’ve had to sit through this piece of shit just so I could get some cock up my ass. I almost don’t want to buy it on principle alone, but . . I’m getting it. My mom will like it. You getting anything?”

“No.”

At the register, the girl ringing us up is hot as fuck in that indie-rock-slightly-Emo just-out-of-high-school kind of way. Nice little tits, dyed black hair, nose ring, tattoo peeking out of her shirt and probably weighs a hundred pounds. I immediately imagine myself fucking her doggie style in some back room of the record store. A few seconds in, I start thinking about Alyna in the back room of the record store and end up continuing to think about her all the way back to my house, where I jerk off to the memory of her sucking my cock.

Casey’s Shit

Casey hasn’t tried to call me for almost a week, which is why it kind of surprises me when I pick up the phone and hear her say with forced confidence, “When’s a good time for me to come get the things I have at your apartment?”

“Uh, I don’t know.”

“Well, I have some stuff that I need to get back. You can’t keep it.”

I don’t think she does have anything at my apartment, but after a year and a half of dating it makes sense that she would, so I don’t argue.

“When do you want to come get it?”

“Today if I can.”

“Okay. I’ll be here.”

“I’ll be over in an hour.”

She hangs up. I think about finding whatever shit she’s talking about and putting it all in a box on the curb so she can just take it and go instead of hanging around my apartment longer than necessary, but I don’t really know which shit is hers and I’d probably end up giving her something of mine by mistake, which she’d take to mean something it didn’t. I’m also fully aware that this is, more than likely, just a ploy for her to see me again, maybe in hopes of luring me back to her fat ass. I hope that playing along will give her some sort of closure so I never have to see her again. I decide I should play an old Xbox game.

I decide to play Mech Assault 2 until she shows up, which turns out to be an hour later.

When she comes in she says, “I’m sorry about that night I showed up here. How have you been?”

“Okay.”

“So have I. I started my next Groundlings class.”

“Great. I didn’t know which stuff you were talking about.”

“I didn’t think you would.”

She rummages through a pile of papers and Playboys on my coffee table. Her mom’s letter falls out onto the ground and she picks it up.

“Is this from my mom?”

“Yeah.”

“What is it?”

“A letter.”

“Obviously it’s a letter, but like why would she write you a letter?”

I shrug my shoulders, knowing she wants to read it more than anything. She puts it back in the Playboy, closes the magazine, and tosses it down on the coffee table a little too nonchalantly.

“My Groundlings teacher said I have the most potential of anyone in the class.”

“Great. Do you know exactly what you have over here?”

“Just some things.”

She goes in the closet and pulls out an umbrella that I think my mom gave me when I moved to L.A.

She says, “Like my umbrella.”

She opens a cupboard in the kitchen area, pulls out a box of tea, and says, “And my tea.”

She walks back into the bedroom and comes out still holding just the tea and the umbrella. She says, “Are you doing anything right now?”

Fuck. I should have just thrown some of my shit in a box and left it on the curb.

“No.”

“Do you want to go get a cup of coffee with me?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Just like to talk.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Why?”

“I just don’t want to.”

“It’s because I came over to your house and yelled at you and now you think I’m a psycho.”

“No, I just don’t want to.”

“Well, then, let’s have dinner this week.”

“I don’t think I can.”

“Why can’t you just have dinner with me and talk to me about this whole thing?”

“It’s better like this.”

“Like what?”

“Just over.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Sorry.”

She starts to tear up. She starts crying. She says through sobs,

“Aren’t you even going to hug me?”

I wish I was anywhere else. I think about Alyna. I think about telling Casey that I ate Alyna’s pussy and she sucked my cock.

“I don’t think so.”

Her sobs become convulsive. She sits down on my couch and cries into her hands.

“Why? I just like don’t understand why.”

I don’t say anything.

“Can you just tell me why you’re doing this?”

“I already did.”

“Because you want something I’m not?”

“Yeah.”

“That doesn’t even like make sense. I was something you wanted for a year and a half and now I’m just not? What happened?”

“I don’t know.”

“You have to know. If you broke up with me you have to know.”

I don’t say anything again. I know that anything I say will only prolong this already annoying situation.

“I mean there has to be something that changed.”

I stand as still as I can and try not to breathe. For a split second I think I might be able to coax her into sucking my cock or fucking me, but it’s probably not worth the effort.

She says, “It was the engagement, wasn’t it?”

Please something happen. A car wreck right outside my door. A gunshot through my window. A fucking phone call for fuck’s sake. As I think this my cell phone actually rings. Casey sits on the couch, still crying as I answer it. It’s Alyna, who I’ve only talked to once in the two days since she sucked my cock.

She says, “What’re you doing?”

“Nothing.”

“I’m done with work. Can I come over?”

“When?”

“Now.”

“I haven’t taken a shower or anything.”

“That’s fine. Neither have I. We can take one together. I’ll be over in ten minutes.”

She hangs up. The slightly less than comfortable familiarity she’s approaching in whatever kind of relationship we might be on the verge of having makes me a little uneasy, but the thought of soaping up her ass and tits in my shower generates a spark of excitement that alleviates it; and the crying-ex-girlfriend-sitting-on-my-couch situation seems slightly more pressing.

I say, “Okay, you have to go.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m tired of arguing about this.” Even as I say the words it hits me that I owe Casey nothing, but something makes me think telling her about Alyna would make the entire situation worse. I wonder if Alyna has any interaction with her ex-boyfriend and if it’s similar to mine with Casey.

She says, “Well, I’m not leaving until I get an answer or until you at least promise to get coffee with me.”

“Fine.”

“Fine what? The answer or the coffee?”

“Coffee.”

“When?”

“I’ll call you.”

“No, you won’t.”

“Yes, I will.”

“You promise?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, but I’m holding you to it.”

She gets off my couch, wipes the tears off her face, and leaves.

I sit on the couch where she was sitting for about two or three minutes thinking about the last time Casey and I fucked. I wish I had blown a load on her stomach or put my dick in her ass or done something to signify it as the final time I would put my cock in her. Alyna rings my doorbell, shifting my thoughts back to her soapy cunt in my shower.

She walks in and says, “Hi,” then kisses me, sees the tea that I now realize Casey left sitting on the coffee table along with what I am now sure is my umbrella, and says, “I would have never guessed you for a tea drinker.”

The shower we take five minutes later yields a pretty good and immediate soapy hand job that leaves me no opportunity to even attempt fucking her. Instead I repay the favor by making her cum as I finger-fuck her up against my shower door. The dinner we eat afterward at Jerry’s Famous Deli is filled with conversation about trivial things that ignore the nature of what seems to be a burgeoning relationship, but nonetheless is the only conversation either of us wants to have.

The 98 Percent Rule

Todd and I are eating lunch at a Quiznos in North Hollywood. Sitting across from us at two different tables are an unrealistically hot bitch who we decide must be a porno actress and an old lady who looks like she died two weeks ago.

Todd says, “If you had to fuck the old ugly one, but then you get to fuck the hot one, would you do it?”

“What’s the rest of the scenario?”

“There is no rest. That’s it.”

“What about disease, and pregnancy, and subsequent chances to fuck the hot bitch?”

“No. You don’t get any of that.”

“See? So there’s more to the situation here. You have to lay it out completely.”

“Okay, here’s your scenario. You’re lying in bed at one a.m. and the old bitch materializes in your bed completely naked and starts sucking your cock.”

“Okay.”

“Now, while she sucks, she says, ‘If you fuck me, not just let me suck your cock, but actually stick your dick in me, then right after you blow your load, the hot porno bitch will show up and fuck you, too.’

And you get no diseases, there’re no pregnancies, no one knows about it, and both bitches vaporize as soon as you blow your load.”

“And I’ll be magically ready to fuck immediately after I’ve just fucked the old bitch?”

“Yeah.”

I think it over. I look at the old bitch, at her gunt, at her wrinkly, jerky lips as she eats a cup of Quiznos clam chowder. I realize that given Todd’s theoretical situation I think I would fuck her even if the hot bitch wasn’t a follow-up.

I say, “In your theoretical situation I’d fuck the old bitch even if there was no hot bitch.”