Avenged (Hostage Rescue Team Series) (Volume 5) (11 page)

“I found out later that he planned several times to get me out before that, but his attempts always fell through for various reasons. The government wanted him to stay until he had what they needed against Qureshi and his network. It wasn’t until Hassan’s cover was blown that he was forced to risk everything and run that night in an attempt to reach friendly lines before Qureshi’s men caught up with him. He could have left me behind, but he didn’t, even though he knew I’d slow him down. He ended up giving his life to save mine, and I’ll always be grateful to him for that.”

Nathan looked haunted now. “Jesus Christ, Taya.” His voice was hoarse, full of anguish.

She knew how it sounded. Her first therapist had told her she suffered from classic Stockholm Syndrome, but in Taya’s opinion, that was a copout, bullshit description. Her relationship to and feelings toward Hassan were so incredibly complex, no label any psychologist could come up with would ever fit the real description.

She swallowed, wishing she knew what to do to comfort Nathan, erase that terrible look in his eyes. “Like I said before, compared to the other women, until then I had it easy.”

He shook his head, apparently at a loss for words.

Taya continued, needing to at least try to explain her reasoning to him. “It’s complicated, and I won’t pretend that part of me still feels betrayed by what he did. But once I got home, after a while it dawned on me that I had a choice to make if I wanted to move on with my life. Just because our pasts are part of us, it doesn’t mean they have to define us. I refused to give my past that kind of power over me. So I chose to let it go.”

When he didn’t respond, just kept staring at her, she stayed silent to let her words sink in. She’d seen the way he reacted back at the hotel when she’d said O’Neil’s name, and even without a psych or medical degree it was obvious to her that he hadn’t come to terms with what had happened that day. If she could spare him any more pain by offering the solution that had helped her overcome her past, she’d gladly give it. Only she wasn’t certain he was ready to accept it yet.

After a moment a slight frown marred his brow but then he nodded, and his silent acceptance gave her the courage to continue.

“I mean, it wasn’t easy, not by any means, but in the end I realized I couldn’t change the past and only had control over
me
and what happened going forward. I made the decision to make peace with everything and move on,” she said softly.

He was silent a long moment, studying her in the expanding silence. “How could you let that go?” he asked, his tone and expression incredulous. “How could you let that go after what he did to you? What
they
did to you?”

“Forgiveness,” she answered. She knew it sounded overly simplistic and probably cheesy, but that’s exactly what had helped her break from the past. “Hassan saw himself as a patriot, first and foremost. He did what he had to in order to accomplish his mission, and did what he could to protect me at the same time. It’s why he married me, so I was off limits to the others.” She was thankful for that too, in hindsight. The alternative was beyond bearing.

“He risked everything to get me out of that hellish situation, and wound up paying for my freedom with his life.” Taya paused to pull in a slow breath. “I’ve forgiven him for the rest of it. I had to, to be able to go on. But I didn’t forgive him for
his
sake. I forgave him for mine.” She needed Nathan to understand the difference. “Forgiveness was what earned me my true freedom.”

He was quiet a moment. “Well then, you’re a better person than me,” he said in a low voice, his eyes burning with emotion. Confusion maybe. And pain. So much pain buried beneath the calm, easy façade he wore, even if he thought no one else could see it. Taya saw it. She desperately wanted to help him unlock it, let it go once and for all before it ate away at him like a cancer.

But she couldn’t, not unless he wanted the help. And he wasn’t ready yet. He might never be ready.

Taya shook her head, unwilling to let this go just yet, disturbed by the hint of self-loathing she detected in his tone. “No. Not at all. And I think the person you need to forgive is yourself.” She said it gently, but she swore he flinched before he looked away, but not before she read the flash of guilt on his face. Did he blame himself for O’Neil’s death?

The need to wrap her arms around him, try to at least ease his torment, was so strong it was all she could do to stay where she was. And she wanted his arms around her again too, with a strength that frightened her.

It had been more than six years since she’d craved a man’s touch. She hadn’t dated anyone since coming home five years ago, just hadn’t been interested, and she’d always assumed her captivity was to blame.

She’d been wrong. Because standing here now in front of this incredible man, she was forced to acknowledge the hard truth of why that was.

Deep down, all this time, on some level she’d known she only wanted Nathan.

Taya sucked in a soft breath as the realization slammed through her. The six-year age difference between them wasn’t even a consideration for her, and she didn’t think it was for him either. Right or wrong, emotional transference from the trauma in Afghanistan or not, she wanted him. And she was pretty sure he wanted her too, even despite the things she’d just told him.

Long seconds ticked past as they stared at each other across the room. The charged silence seemed to crackle with the electric potential of what would happen if they touched.

Taya caught the way his nostrils flared and heat kindled in his eyes as her gaze roamed over his face and down his neck, over the T-shirt stretched across the solid muscles in his chest and stomach. A powerful tide of need and hunger rose inside her. She thought of the woman who’d called him earlier and felt stupid. God, how she wished things were different.

If he was available, not here guarding her in an official capacity and possibly risking his career for her sake, she would have walked past him to lock the door and turned back to face him, letting her actions tell him exactly what she wanted.

Him.

More than anything right now she wanted to take his face in her hands and kiss him with all the pent-up longing she’d locked away for so long. But she couldn’t. And for his sake, she
wouldn’t
.

Realizing she was still staring, Taya blinked and looked away, a flush of embarrassment creeping up her neck. “Well. That’s enough unsolicited advice from me for one night, huh? Thanks again, for everything.”

Nathan didn’t move. After a beat of silence she looked up at him once more. As if the eye contact was exactly what he’d been waiting for, he held her gaze as he spoke, so strong it almost felt like a physical touch. “I don’t want your gratitude, Taya. And there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to keep you safe.”

His words echoed through her, resonated deep inside her heart.

Then his gaze traveled over her face like a caress, lingering on her mouth for a long, sizzling moment before coming back to settle on hers. And Taya knew in that moment if he hadn’t been her bodyguard, they’d have been making good use of the queen-size bed behind her.

Heat swept through her body, tightening her nipples. She wanted to feel his hands and mouth on her, feel the weight of his strong frame as he pressed her down into the mattress. Nathan would cherish her with his strength, not violate her.

That only made the heat burn hotter.

“Sleep well, little warrior,” he murmured instead, then turned to go.

Little warrior
. The unique endearment, the admiration and respect in his voice as he said it, made her throat tighten. Before she could respond, he was gone.

Taya stared at the closed door, feeling like her heart had just been torn wide open.

“Incoming!”

The shouted warning penetrated Nate’s brain a split second before his body reacted. The man next to him was already dead, having bled out from multiple bullet wounds. Nate dove to the ground behind a low rock wall and covered his head with his arms an instant before the impact.

When the earth settled and he looked up, O’Neil was gone.

Nate woke in the darkness with his heart in his throat. Immediately he shot up in the bed, confused for a split second as to why he was still dressed and on top of the covers. Then he saw the red digital display of the clock on the night table and the muffled roar of the waves crashing against the beach outside reached him.

Virginia Beach. Historic inn. Guarding Taya.

He inhaled deeply, forced the air out slowly and ran a hand over his damp face.
Jesus.

O’Neil had died out there, right in front of him while Nate had been helpless to stop it. Nate had walked away with barely a mark on him. That would always bother him.

Since the room was empty, Cruz must be downstairs either in the kitchen or living room. Nate only had twenty minutes until he was due to relieve Cruz anyhow. He’d switch places with Vance the next shift after that.

He got up and went to the bathroom to splash water over his face and neck, then crept down the old wooden staircase to find his teammate standing at the kitchen counter, facing the water, the thin moonlight the only illumination.

“Not a bad gig, huh?” Cruz murmured to Nate without turning around.

“Could be worse,” he agreed, and walked over to help himself to some coffee he smelled from the half-full pot on the counter. “How old is this?”

“I just made it an hour ago.” Cruz set his cup in the sink. “No calls since we checked in. She doing okay?” He nodded toward the ceiling, indicating Taya.

“Yeah, she’s doing amazingly well, all things considered.” Helluva lot better than he was, which he found sadly ironic.

He
was the one with the advanced training. The government had spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on him to ensure he was as capable of taking a life as he was of saving one. He’d been through freaking advanced SERE school and too many other psychological courses to name, all meant to prepare him for the worst. He should be able to handle things better than anyone, yet Taya was light years ahead of him in terms of being able to cope with the mental and emotional trauma that came with seeing combat.

Man, talk about a kick in the ass.

“That’s some seriously twisted shit she went through,” Cruz muttered, shaking his head. He and Vance had read her file after the briefing back at base.

Nate nodded. Even he didn’t know the fine details, but he could imagine well enough what she’d gone through and it made his skin crawl. “So fucked up that an undercover American agent would do that. Force her to marry him and live under those conditions just to maintain his cover. She said she was well treated compared to the others and that he protected her from a lot of stuff, but all that tells me is that he didn’t protect her from other stuff.” It infuriated him.

Cruz turned and the moonlight cut across him, showing the disgusted face he made. “No doubt.” He shifted his stance, putting his back to the counter and leaned against it. Folding his arms across his chest, Cruz gave him a level look that made Nate’s stomach tense. “So out of curiosity, what did you wind up saying to Matt to get him to agree to you being on her detail?”

Nate ignored the niggling guilt and shrugged. “Just that I figured she might be more comfortable with me being assigned to her. She knows me, trusts me already to some extent.”

Cruz’s eyelids lowered to half-mast and one side of his mouth quirked up. “Uh huh. And it had absolutely
nothing
to do with personal reasons on your behalf, right?”

His teammate’s bland tone told him Cruz was teasing. Still, the question made Nate defensive. “So what if it does? I feel like I owe her, and it’s the least I can do to make sure she’s safe while she testifies against that asshole. After we talked, both Matt and Tuck agreed that I had more motivation than anyone else to keep her safe, so I got the green light.” Did Cruz have a problem with it or something?

His teammate nodded, his light brown eyes watchful. “You’re into her though.”

Nate felt the back of his neck flush and was grateful for the few days’ worth of stubble covering the lower half of his face, even though it was fairly dark in here. But he didn’t bother denying it. “You worried I can’t get the job done?” And dammit, he couldn’t help the defensive edge in his voice.

Cruz shook his head. “Nope. If I was, I would’ve said so to Matt and Tuck earlier. Just trying to be real with you, bro. You’ve been strung pretty tight lately.” Even though Cruz didn’t say it in an accusing way, it still embarrassed him. “Is she part of the reason?”

Nate made a sound of disgust. “Christ, since when did you go to shrink school?”

Cruz merely grinned. “No, seriously, I’m curious. Because the way you look at her makes me feel like I’m intruding when I’m in the same damn room with you both.”

Nate rubbed the back of his neck and poured the damn coffee. It was too fucking early and he was too strung out to have this conversation right now. “Look, I care about her, okay? But don’t worry about me not being focused. I’m tight.”

“Not worried about that, man, I already told you. So let’s drop it.” He stepped forward and clapped a hand on Nate’s shoulder. “You good to take over now?”

“Yeah.” He took a sip of coffee, covered a wince as the scalding liquid burned down his throat.

“See you at oh-six-hundred then.”

Nate nodded and slipped his earpiece in. When he was alone in the kitchen he expelled a deep breath and let his shoulders relax. Shit, he hated feeling like he still had to prove himself to the others. That was on him, he knew it was, since the guys had been nothing but good to him since he’d joined the team.

He just wanted this so badly—wanted them to respect him as much as he respected them. And he couldn’t help feeling like he was on the verge of losing that if he didn’t pull himself together. Part of him kept thinking that maybe this job guarding Taya would help him kick the baggage he’d been holding onto. God knew seeing her again had stirred up all kinds of shit in his head, but being around her also soothed him in a way he hadn’t expected.