Autumn's Wish (23 page)

I'm crying now. It's the middle of a school day, I'm on the lawn where anyone can see, and I'm crying.

Was that one Colorado future I saw the only one where I end up with J.J.? And if it is, why did I have to see it? How is it at all fair that I have to live out the rest of my life knowing I
could
have been ecstatically happy, but instead I messed it all up?

No. There has to be a way to get him back.

I keep trying the Lloyd Dobler route. I keep my Bluetooth speaker with me at all times all week, but J.J.'s so good at avoiding me that I never catch him alone. I could show up at his house like the real Lloyd Dobler, but given how happy he was the last time I tried that, he'd probably call the cops and have me arrested for stalking and trespassing, which would
not
look good on my college applications.

At least Jack and I are friends again. It takes a while. Even though I was totally cool about him and Tom, he's nervous around me all week. Every time he sees me, he gives me these nervous looks and quickly walks away. By Friday, though, he seems confident I won't give away his secret.

“Hey,” he says softly when he catches me in the hall. “Thanks for…” He looks around to make sure no one's watching. “You know.”

“No problem,” I say. “How's it going?”

Jack smiles, and it's completely adorable. He looks nervous and happy and excited, and it's like I can feel his energy bring me up just being around it. “Really well,” he says softly. “Yesterday my parents were out at some work dinner, so he came over, and—”

“What up,
mi amigos
?” Ames cries as she and Taylor approach from down the hall.

We hear a distinctive stomping of low heels and spin around to see Reenzie. She's clearly on the warpath. I've seen her in this mode many times since I've known her, and the results are never good. My blood chills as I realize
why
she might be on the warpath.

“I'm going to hit my locker,” I say, already moving in the other direction. “Want to make sure I have everything before class.”

“Nobody moves!” Reenzie roars. “Not until you answer a question. Who hates me?”

“What, you want the whole list?” Amalita asks.

“You mean, like, who has
ever
hated you, or who hates you
now
?” Jack asks. “ 'Cause they're different. I mean, I hated you freshman year, and no doubt Autumn hated you sophomore, and—”

Reenzie silences him with her hand in the air. Her other hand shows us her cell phone. “I just got a call from the head of the Admissions Office at Stanford. They told me they got a letter—
from me
—asking them to reject me because I don't really want to go to the school. They called to make sure I sent it, because it sounded like the complete opposite of what I said in my application.”

I work really hard to make my eyes wide and surprised. “Wow,” I say, trying not to let my voice waver. “
Did
you send it?”

“No, I didn't send it!” Reenzie roars. “I would
never
send it, and the only person who would
think
to send it would have to be someone who knows I applied early to Stanford!”

She glares daggers at us, one at a time.

“Which is
everyone,
” Taylor reminds Reenzie. “You shouted it out loud on the lunch lawn the day you sent it in.”

Reenzie's face softens a little. “I guess. Doesn't really matter anyway. I told the admissions person the letter was a complete fake…and they told me to expect good news in a couple weeks!”

Taylor squeals and jumps up and down with Reenzie. I try to look happy, too, but all I can think about is Reenzie, pale and spent, her wrists wrapped in gauze.

“It's terrific,” I say with as much enthusiasm as I can muster, “but…you know…I hear that school is really high-pressure. You sure you want to go?”

“Why?” Reenzie's eyes become slits, then quickly widen in horror. “Oh my God, was it
you
? Did you sabotage me like you sabotaged Sean?”

“No!” I lie. “And I didn't sabotage Sean! That was an accident! I'm just saying…” I sigh and deflate. All of a sudden I feel like I'm going to cry. I
know
what she's in for, and there's no way I can warn her or steer her away from it. Even if I told her the complete truth, she'd never believe me.

“Autumn?” she asks. “Are you okay?”

I nod, and a germ of an idea pops into my head. When I look back at Reenzie, I know my eyes are watery and I probably look a little desperate and crazy, but maybe I can make all that make sense.

“It's just…,” I start, and my voice cracks without me even trying. “I've been meeting with Mr. Winthrop about colleges, and he told me these stories about people who get to a big-deal school and they think it'll be easy and perfect, and when it isn't…they sometimes lose it. He said he knew one student who got so overwhelmed by everything…he tried to kill himself.”

Reenzie tilts her head and smiles sympathetically. “Sweetie, he was just telling you that because you can't get into those schools. He made it sound worse so you wouldn't feel bad.”

Ugh. She's not getting it.

“It's not that!” I say too quickly and loudly.

Reenzie raises an eyebrow.

“Okay, maybe it's partially that,” I say, “but it got me worried about you. Just promise me that no matter what happens when you get to college, no matter how much you feel like you can't tell anyone if you're having trouble…just know you can pick up the phone and call any one of us. We're all here for you.”

I turn to Ames, Jack, and Taylor for confirmation, but they're looking at me like I just sprouted a duck bill. I ignore them and look plaintively back at Reenzie.

She puts her hands on my shoulders and looks deep into my eyes.

“I love you. And, yes, if I ever have a freak-out panic attack—which I won't—I will call you.”

“You promise?”

“If it means we can end this conversation, yes, I promise.”

I nod. It's not exactly what I wanted, but maybe it's enough. Maybe when things get bad she'll remember this and reach out. Maybe I'll find out next time I jump.

The bell rings and we head off to class. “I expect you all at the game tonight,” Reenzie says as we go. “Play-offs—it's a huge deal for Sean.”

“Which means I'm sure he doesn't want me there,” I say.

“Whatever. He accepted a full ride to UNH like a month ago. Division Two school, he'll get actual play time; he's good. Still pissed at you on principle, but he's good.”

“What?!” I look at all my friends. “How did nobody tell me this?”

“Didn't come up.” Ames shrugs, then turns to Reenzie. “You know I'll be there. We're cheering.”

“Autumn, Jack, and I will be there too,” Taylor says. “Save us seats. And one for Drew.”

“But not one for me,” Jack says. “I'm going with J.J.”

“And you're not sitting with us?” I ask.

Jack looks uncomfortably at me for a split second before he and all my other friends race off to class.

“So now J.J.'s even avoiding me at places I don't plan on being!” I vent to Jenna as I walk home from school that afternoon. “I wasn't going to this game at all. I
still
don't want to go. Taylor, Reenzie, and Ames are making me.”

“Maybe it'll be fun,” Jenna offers.

“Fun would be tweezing every hair off my body, one by one,” I say. “This is three hours of self-torture. You really think I'll be able to concentrate on the game?”

“Do you
ever
concentrate on the game?”

“No, but this'll be worse. All I'll be doing is searching for J.J., then psychically willing my memories of our future into his brain.”

“Maybe it's not all about you,” Jenna offers. “Maybe J.J.'s sitting with Jack to help him. So Jack can be near wherever Tom sits, without anyone getting suspicious.”

“I
doubt
J.J. knows about Tom,” I scoff. “And Tom won't even be in the bleachers. He's an A/V guy. He's up in the booth doing all the music stuff between plays….”

My voice fades away, pushed out by an idea brewing in my head.

“Autumn?” Jenna eventually asks.

“Not Autumn,” I answer. “Lloyd. Lloyd Dobler.”

I hang up with Jenna and immediately call Jack.

“You know you owe me,” I say, and when he doesn't balk at that, I make him promise to text me once he and J.J. find seats, then let me know exactly where they are. I also make him give me Tom's cell phone number, and I ask him to text Tom
himself
to let Tom know that when my call comes in, he should take it.

“Should I be frightened about whatever you're planning to do?” Jack asks.

“Best not to think too much about it,” I say. Then I hang up and change into turquoise shorts and a turquoise spaghetti-string tank top, with a wide-collar off-one-shoulder purple tee over the whole thing. Plus purple and turquoise ribbons to hold up my ponytail. It's like Rainbow Dash threw up all over me, but those are our school colors, so everyone looks just as ridiculous on game days. By the time I'm decked out, I figure Jack had time to talk to Tom, so I pick up my phone.

“Tom!” I shout when he answers. “I desperately need you.”

“Aw, see, and here I am all taken,” he says.

“Not what I meant,” I say. “Just tell me if you can make this happen.”

He doesn't say anything for a while after I finish, and I worry I lost the connection or totally freaked him out.

“Tom? You there?”

“Oh, I'm here,” he says.

“So?” I ask. “Can you help me?”

“Pretty sure you're beyond help,” he says, “but I'm a sucker for a good love story. Send me the file, then come to the booth at the beginning of halftime.”

I squeal and thank him, then hang up and finish getting ready, which today means sending Tom the file and doing some major anagram research. I barely finish in time for Taylor and Drew to pick me up. I'm thrilled the two of them are so blissfully in love they don't even notice me in the backseat, because I'm a mess. I can't sit still. I jounce my knees, check random apps on my phone, fix my hair, pop mints, and unbuckle a couple times to shift to the other side of the car just so I can move. When we get to the field, I leap out of the car. My heart is pounding so hard it's like I'm being chased by lions, and I still have an hour before the game starts and the entire first half. I have to calm down…but I can't.

I think I speak to Reenzie, Taylor, and Drew during the next couple hours. I'm pretty sure I stand up and cheer when the rest of the stadium does. And I definitely sing the fight song two or three times, because our team scores points and we always sing when they score points. But I'm doing it all on autopilot. I'm actually paying attention to the big screens at each end of the stadium. They're not big like NFL screens—at least, that's what Reenzie says—but they're big
enough,
and the A/V team uses them to show big moments on the field, or put up things like “DE-FENSE” to get us to cheer, or little animations of horrible things happening to cartoon guys in the opposing team's jerseys. So I watch the screens and I listen to the sounds the booth projects through the stadium: the snippets of songs, the
ba-da-da-da-da-da!
that gets us all to shout “CHARGE!” and the fight song that plays when we all sing.

The more I watch and listen, the more nervous I get about what I'm planning to do at halftime.

It's important, though. Unless I do something big and daring, J.J. will avoid me until we graduate and any chance of us having a future will be gone. I'm going to do something crazy, but I'll do it for the greater good, and it'll make things better. Just like I made things better for Ames, and Sean, and my mom, and Carrie, and Jack. This is a proven formula that works!