Austin & Beth (2 page)

Maybe
this
change would be good. Scary, yes, but good...?

Damn, I gotta stop thinking about this shit. Seriously. It's fucking with my head.

Furthermore, I refused to face the possibility that Joe and I were never right for each other.

Not even from the beginning.

O
n December the twenty-third I wanted to do some last-minute Christmas shopping. Yeah,
way
last-minute. I allowed this shit to happen every single year.

As the younger generation would say:
'facepalm.'

Joe left for work earlier (crap factory job). His holiday break wouldn't start until tomorrow, which majorly pissed him off. For a change I didn't blame him.

I needed to get a gift for Austin. But I didn't ask what he wanted because he'd only say,
"I dunno. It doesn't matter. Get me whatever you want."

Plus I didn't really want to
talk
to Austin. Doing so made me uncomfortable and brought raw, upsetting emotions to the surface. That's why I kept avoiding him and likely why he avoided me; except for the incident in the kitchen.

Neither of us wanted to deal with it.

Yeah. Austin and I had our issues. For the longest time he was like a son to me; sweet as sugar, kind and loving. Not a typical teenaged boy. Well—not entirely.

Austin had his moments of secrecy. Typical teen behavior; namely his past semi-addiction to porn sites. One site in particular was called
Older Women Hot Lovers
or something to that silly effect. When he was seventeen, I went in his room to borrow his laptop because my hard drive crashed and burned.

Apparently Austin had forgotten to close the aforementioned site. The screen displayed shocking amateur photos of nude women; their—surprisingly—fabulous bodies twisted in lewd positions. They looked to be in their thirties and early forties.

I decided not to use his laptop.

I met Austin when he was sixteen and his father was forty. Shy, respectful, Austin never gave me a hard time. Never misbehaved or acted out due to my relationship with his father.

After Austin turned eighteen, something dramatically changed between us. But that's
another
story.

Presently I hurried around the master bathroom, stealing glances in the mirror, running a brush through my spirals of dark hair. I slipped on a maternity dress that resembled a floral tent.

How lovely.
Not
.

Sudden remorse confronted me as I stared at my reflection. At times it was hard to face myself knowing what I'd done.

On the other hand—Joe had driven me to it. And he was
still
driving me to it. I fought and fought to keep from cheating on him. But loneliness ate at my soul and each day the dilemma became harder to hide. Harder to deal with.

I sucked it up, grabbed my purse and headed out. Life went on. It had to.

As I waddled down the hallway toward the front door, I literally ran into Austin. Yes. Literally.

Oh. My. God. This isn't happening.

Squashed against my gorgeous step-son, my big belly cushioned his tight stomach for indeterminable minutes. Too many minutes.

Uh-huh. Isn't that terrific or what? Nope. Not under these particular circumstances.

Heat flooded my cheeks. I didn't know what do; I stayed wedged to him like super glue, my face buried in his chest. Heavy, god-awful silence permeated the corridor. All I heard was Austin's ragged breathing.

Then—
then
Austin's warm hand slid up my back and rested between my shoulders. His other arm encircled my waist.

Austin was holding me. Actually
holding
me!

No, Austin. No no no. Not now.

Yes yes yes, Austin. Yes right now. Please, I need you, my sweet, beautiful loving step-son. My sweet handsome...

Our connection broke as Austin backed up. That was quick.

"I—I'm sorry, Beth. Are you okay?" His hand went to cover his mouth. "I never meant to hurt you," he mumbled through his fingers.

"It's okay, Austin, really. I'm alright."
No, dammit, I'm not.

"You sure?" he asked, arching an eyebrow. "What about the baby?"

"She's fine. Perfectly safe inside me." I tried to smile. Failed miserably.

He approached and tentatively placed his hand on my swollen middle, just above my puckered belly button. We bonded; and vivid, lurid memories rushed back of our single night together. A night six or seven months earlier.

We'd bonded then, too. Very closely.

Austin swung me up into his arms... as if all those months of separation hadn't happened. Like we loved each other, as if our one-night stand wasn't based on lust.

For me it was never about lust. It was about having needs ultimately met by a younger guy. A man exuding sex appeal and possessing the stamina of a stallion. A hot young stud who could fuck like a prize-winning race horse.
Oh yeah
. God, how I fantasized about
that night
for months. How I finger-fucked myself into rapturous oblivion, crying out for Austin whenever Joe wasn't here.

Alright. So I guess part of it was—indeed—lust. Either way, wasn't I entitled to sex and affection once in a blue-violet-red moon?

God damn it, I'm only human.

Yet sometimes I experienced guilt that ripped me apart; at least whenever I allowed myself to go there. Otherwise I buried it within my conscience and continued to finger-fuck myself. Right or wrong.

Austin kissed the top of my head, cradling my face between his palms. He made me feel alive, and it was nice returning to the land of the living. Particularly after being dead inside for so long.

Tenderly he held me, swaying my body in our private dance. Lost in the quiet, I basked in the heat of his love. Falling, veering closer to the irresistible adulterous trap.

Closer. Closer.

"Beth," Austin whispered. "I missed you. Honest to god, I hated being away from you." He placed two fingers beneath my chin and lifted my face. "You were all I thought about the whole time. I couldn't concentrate worth a shit on my studies. I know this is wrong, but I
don't
know if I care anymore."

Closer. Closer.

I blinked. Austin had
missed
me? I found that hard to believe. We'd barely spoken two words to each other since our night together. But—oh god—how he tempted me with such words. Words I'd needed to hear from Joe. Confessions that, perhaps, I'd only ever hear from Joe's son. This possibility jolted me.

I squirmed out of his arms. "Uh, I gotta go. I need to finish up some Christmas shopping."

"Okay. You mind if I come with you then?" he asked, his gaze firm, determined.

I didn't answer. Couldn't.

I peered past Austin's shoulder to the living room, and the large bay window behind the crimson sofa. Snowfall created a thick curtain of white. Probably too dangerous to drive in this weather, but shit, I
had
to get Austin something. I couldn't stand the thought of not having anything to give on Christmas morning, though he wasn't exactly a child.

Definitely not. Far from it.

"It's snowing heavily. I think it'd be better if you drove," I suggested. "We can take your dad's old SUV if you want."

Austin nodded, lips twitching as if withholding a smile. "What were you thinking of buying? I mean—don't you think it's kinda late to be holiday shopping?"

"Uh yeah. But you know how I am, Austin. You know I put everything off until the last possible minute."

He nodded, beamed another shy smile that drove me insane and cast tingles throughout my mid-section. In other words his sexy smile made me
horny as hell
.

Closer.
Closer.

I fidgeted, glanced at him. I found him staring at me, but he shifted his gaze elsewhere. Our fleeting glances reminded me of a silly game played between a child and her first crush.

We left the house and plodded through mounds of snow, carefully approaching the ebony SUV. Apparently not careful enough since I stumbled.

Austin lurched forward and gracefully caught me. "For shit's sake, Beth, you need to be more cautious because of the baby. We have to take care of her, and you need to take care of yourself."

Take care of myself? What did that mean?

I nodded trying to thank him but my throat closed. Unexpected tears filled my eyes; tears cold as ice in the freezing temperature.

Austin, however, warmed me considerably.

Warmer. Hotter. Torture.
He could make me hot and torture me as much as he wished. I didn't mind. At least the devilish side of me didn't. My virtuous side argued something different.

But I was getting sick to death of
that
side. Sick of being a good girl. Sick of pretending my marriage was fine. Sick of hiding my true self;
who I was and who I wanted to be.

Gazing up at him, I relaxed in the safety of his embrace, pressed my cheek to his broad chest. His arms tightened around my waist. Snuggled together, I heard the thudding of his heart, drumming faster in a rhythm that matched mine.

Peering at me with blazing intensity, Austin toyed with my hair, brushed loose strands from my face, then gently thumbed my cheek. Dangerous, teasing when his lips lowered and almost touched mine.
Almost
.

Austin, Austin. You're making me fall in love with you. A glance in your eyes, a feathery brush of your lips gives me a lifetime worth of chills.

So kiss me. Please.

He didn't, and I didn't express a twinge of disappointment. Disappointment was something I'd grown accustomed to.

God
.
How would the drive go? While the idea thrilled me it caused trepidation as well. It'd take at least thirty minutes to get to town. What the hell would I say in that thirty minutes?

Guess I'd find out.

The huge, bulky SUV sped down the highway. Snow layered the flat, sprawling landscape in ivory, shimmering and bright despite lack of sunlight. White powdered icy tree limbs.

Christmas. My favorite holiday since I was a kid, but as an adult it no longer held that same magic. Until today.

"Remember when we spent that weekend at Dad's cabin?" Austin tapped the steering wheel with his thumb.

"Sure, right after I married Joe. What of it?"

"I was thinking maybe it would be a good place for us to talk." For a split second he glanced at me.

"I don't know, Austin. I really need to get this one last gift."
Good god, will you stop tempting me already?

"This won't take long. Alright?"

I sighed. "Okay. When we get there, you're not gonna analyze me or something, are you?" It was a half-joke since Austin was working toward his degree in psychology.

"Yes. Err—something." He winked, and I wondered exactly
what
he had planned for us. The possibilities intrigued yet terrified me.

Naughty lovemaking fantasies captured my imagination.

I'm losing it again. Please make it stop.
But it wouldn't. Ever. Stop. My heart defied my common sense. Austin's flirtatious demeanor stirred me in a thousand ways. It felt good to be wanted, flirted with, and after months of isolation I reveled in Austin's attention.

When he took a detour on a country road leading to the cabin, Austin inched his hand to my side. His longer fingers threaded with mine.

Our affection for each other seemed natural, and my fears vanished after he squeezed my hand.

Austin swerved the SUV to a stop at the roadside. Snow drifts formed a petite wall outside the window. In this desolate area vehicles were few and far.

He swiveled around, grabbed my shoulder and his lips smacked mine in a forceful, heart-melting kiss. Craving deeper access, his mouth pried wider, tongue demanding a taste as hungry growls rumbled in his throat.

Closer. Closest. Warmer. Hotter. Yes, yes I remember this—this incredible feeling. Oh my god, Austin, you're truly an amazing lover.

This kissing intensified, both of us in the grips of pure animal lust. Austin took a handful of my hair and gently tugged, tipping my head. His lips trailed scorching paths down my throat, neck, nipping up to my earlobe where he licked.

Time stopped; reality ceased to exist, followed by an alternate reality where no one could get hurt by our actions. Including ourselves.

He withdrew, moaning, lips pouty and red. His taste lingered on my tongue.

"I hate this," he said with a pained grimace. "I hate doing this to Dad. For fuck's sake, you're
his
wife. Not mine." Brief pause. "But—I wish you
were
mine. I can't help it. God knows I've tried." He reached for my hand again.

"I know. I don't want to hurt him either, no matter how much he pisses me off."

Austin slumped in his seat, shaking and holding his head. "Shit, Beth. What are we gonna do?" His troubled eyes found mine. "I'll be honest with you. I don't want to be without you. I can't go back to college thinking we'll never be together. I can't fucking deal with it anymore."

Left speechless, I struggled to think of a suitable response. A lump formed in my throat. I palmed the sides of my round stomach and Emily kicked.

"Beth?"

"Yeah?"

"What should we do?"

"I don't know, Austin. You think because I'm thirty-something that I know what I'm doing? Well I don't. I'm clueless. I don't know any better than you do." I was surprised at the venom in my tone. Where was this anger coming from?

Dismayed, he bowed his head. "That's not the answer I wanted."

"Then what answer were you looking for?"

"Fuck it. Enough of this bullshit, just tell me the truth," he said, gaze firm. "The baby's mine, isn't she?" Silence. "
Isn't she
? Answer me, Beth. I'm not stupid so don't treat me like I am. I'm not some sixteen-year-old schoolboy who—"

"Yes, yes. Emily's your daughter," I rasped, barely able to choke out the words.

"I
knew
it." He smacked the steering wheel. I winced. "Why the hell didn't you tell me? Why'd you let Dad believe the baby's his?"