August: Osage County (14 page)

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Authors: Tracy Letts

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KAREN: That’s sweet.

STEVE: Very nice, yes.

IVY: The table’s lovely.

BARBARA: Johnna did it all.

JEAN: Yayyy, Johnna—

VIOLET: I see you gentlemen have all stripped down to your shirt fronts. I thought we were having a funeral dinner, not a cockfight.

(An awkward moment. The men glumly put their suit coats back on.)

(Taking her seat)
Someone should probably say grace.

(All look to one another.)

Barbara? Will you . . . ?

BARBARA: No, I don’t think so.

VIOLET: Oh now, it’s no big—

BARBARA: Uncle Charlie should say grace. He’s the patriarch around here now.

CHARLIE: I am? Oh, I guess I am.

VIOLET: By default.

CHARLIE: Okay.
(Clears his throat)
Dear Lord . . .

(All bow their heads, clasp hands.)

We ask that you watch over this family in this sad time, O Lord . . . that you bless this good woman and keep her in your, in your . . . grace.

(A cell phone rings, playing the theme from
Sanford and Son
. Steve quickly digs through his pockets, finds the phone, checks the caller ID.)

STEVE: I’m sorry, I have to take this.

(Steve hustles out to talk on the phone.)

CHARLIE: We ask that you watch over Beverly, too, as he, as he . . . as he, as he, as he makes his journey.

We thank thee, O Lord, that we are able to join together to pay tribute to this fine man, in his house, with his beautiful family, his three beautiful daughters. We are truly blessed in our, our fellowship, our togetherness, our . . . our fellowship.

Thank thee for the food, O Lord, that we can share this food and replenish our bodies with . . . with nourishment. We ask that you help us . . . get better. Be better. Be better people.

(Steve reenters, snapping his phone shut.)

We recognize, now more than ever, the power, the, the . . . joy of family. And we ask that you bless and watch over this family. Amen.

MATTIE FAE: Amen.

STEVE: Amen. Sorry, folks.

BILL: Let’s eat.

(They begin to eat.)

VIOLET: Barbara, you have any use for that sideboard.

BARBARA: Hm?

VIOLET: That sideboard there, you have any interest in that?

BARBARA: This? Well . . . no. I mean, why?

VIOLET: I’m getting rid of a lot of this stuff and I thought you might want that sideboard.

BARBARA: No, Mom, I . . . I wouldn’t have any way to get that to Boulder.

KAREN: Really pretty.

VIOLET: Mm. Maybe Ivy’ll take it.

IVY: No, I have something like that, remember, from the—

BARBARA: What are you getting rid of?

VIOLET: All of it, I’m clearing all this stuff out of here. I want to have a brand-new everything.

BARBARA: I. I guess I’m just sort of . . . not prepared to talk about your stuff.

VIOLET: Suit yourself.

STEVE: This food is just spectacular.

KAREN: It’s so good—

LITTLE CHARLES: Yes, it is—

IVY: You like your food, Mom?

VIOLET: I haven’t tried much of it, yet—

BARBARA: Johnna cooked this whole meal by herself.

VIOLET: Hm? What?

BARBARA: I say Johnna cooked this whole meal by—

VIOLET: ’Swhat she’s paid for.

(A silent moment.)

You all did know she’s getting paid, right?

CHARLIE: Jean, so I’m curious, when you say you don’t eat meat . . .

JEAN: Yeah?

CHARLIE: You mean you don’t eat meat of any kind?

JEAN: Right.

BARBARA: No, she, hm-mm . . .

CHARLIE: And is that for health reasons, or . . . ?

JEAN: When you eat meat, you ingest an animal’s fear.

VIOLET: Ingest what? Its fur?

JEAN: Fear.

VIOLET
(Snickers)
: I thought she said—

CHARLIE: Its fear. How do you do that? You can’t eat fear.

JEAN: Sure you can. I mean even if you don’t sort of think of it spiritually, what happens to
you
, when you feel afraid? Doesn’t your body produce all sorts of chemical reactions?

CHARLIE: Does it?

LITTLE CHARLES: It does.

IVY: Yes.

LITTLE CHARLES: Adrenaline, and, and—

JEAN: Your body goes through this whole chemical process when it experiences fear—

LITTLE CHARLES:—yep, and cortisol—

JEAN:—particularly like strong mortal fear, you know when you sweat and your heart races—

LITTLE CHARLES:—
oh
yeah—

CHARLIE: Okay, sure.

JEAN: Do you think an animal experiences fear?

STEVE: You bet it does.

JEAN: So when you eat an animal, you’re eating all that fear it felt when it was slaughtered to make food.

CHARLIE: Wow.

STEVE: Right, right, I used to work in a processing factory and there’s a lot of fear flying around that place—

CHARLIE: God, you mean I’ve been eating fear, what, three times a day for sixty years?

MATTIE FAE: This one won’t have a meal unless there’s meat in it.

CHARLIE: I guess it was the way I was raised, but it just doesn’t seem like a legitimate meal unless it has some meat somewhere—

MATTIE FAE: If I make a pasta dish of some kind, he’ll just be like, “Okay, that was good for an appetizer, now where’s the meat?”

VIOLET: “Where’s the meat?” Isn’t that some TV commercial, the old lady say, “Where’s the meat?”

KAREN: “Beef.” “Where’s the beef?”

VIOLET
(Screeching)
:
“Where’s the meat?!” “Where’s the meat?!” “Where’s the meat?!”

(Everyone freezes, a little stunned.)

CHARLIE: I sure thought the services were lovely.

KAREN: Yes, weren’t they?—

STEVE: Preacher did a fine job.

VIOLET
(Sticking her hand out, flat, waggling it back and forth)
: Ehhhhh! I give it a . . .
(Repeats gesture)
Ehhhhh!

KAREN: Really? I thought it was—

BARBARA: Great, now we get some dramatic criticism—

VIOLET: I would’ve preferred an open casket.

BARBARA: That just wasn’t possible, Mom.

VIOLET: That today’s the send-off Bev should’ve got if he died around 1974. Lots of talk about poetry, teaching. Well, he hadn’t written any poetry to speak of since ’65 and he never liked teaching worth a damn. Nobody talked about the good stuff. Man was a world-class alcoholic, more’n fifty years. Nobody told the story about that night he got wrangled into giving a talk at a TU alumni dinner . . .
(Laughs)
Drank a whole bottle of rum, Ron Bocoy White Rum—I don’t know why I remember that—and got up to give this talk . . . and he fouled himself! Comes back to our table with this huge—

BARBARA: Yeah, I can’t imagine why no one told
that
story.

VIOLET: He didn’t get invited back to any more alumni dinners, I’ll tell you that!

(She cracks up.)

STEVE: You know, I don’t know much about poetry, but I thought his poems were extraordinary.
(To Bill)
And your reading was very fine.

BILL: Thank you.

VIOLET
(To Steve)
: Who
are
you?

KAREN: Mom, this is my fiancé, Steve, I introduced you at the church.

STEVE: Steve Heidebrecht.

VIOLET: Hide-the-what?

STEVE: Heidebrecht.

VIOLET: Hide-a-burrr . . . German, you’re a German.

STEVE: Well, German-Irish, really, I—

VIOLET: That’s peculiar, Karen, to bring a date to your father’s funeral. I know the poetry was good, but I wouldn’t have really considered it date material—

BARBARA: Jesus.

KAREN: He’s not a date, he’s my fiancé. We’re getting married on New Year’s.

CHARLIE: Man, these potatoes are—

KAREN: In Miami, I hope you can make it.

VIOLET: I don’t really see that happening, do you?

KAREN: I—

VIOLET: Steve. That right?
Steve?

STEVE: Yes, ma’am.

VIOLET: You ever been married before?

KAREN: That’s personal.

STEVE: I don’t mind. Yes, ma’am, I have.

VIOLET: More’n once?