Assholes Finish First (46 page)

The Good Part

In March of 2009, we held our biggest distributor screening for the movie at a theater in Beverly Hills. The house would be packed: half film executives, half friends and family. At the time, HotNurse and I were officially broken up, but we were still in love and still sleeping together, and she was coming with me as my date.

I stood with her in the lobby, meeting and greeting people. I saw some actor buddies of mine come in and went to greet them… and nearly had complete organ failure when I saw who tagged along.

Alexa.

Remember Alexa, the LA girl I dated, from the story “Hot, Sane, Single”? Yeah, exactly what I said: OH FUCK.

I immediately pulled one of the guys aside:

Tucker “Dude, what is she doing here?”

Friend “You said I could bring anyone, and she really wanted to come. I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

Tucker “You idiot. Just stay with her and make sure she stays away from HotNurse.”

I wasn’t that worried about Alexa making a scene in public with me—Alexa is far too worried about her Hollywood reputation ever to do anything like that. But she absolutely is the type who would be an evil cunt to HotNurse, or God forbid, corner her in the bathroom and do
something worse. The stories I’d heard about the things she’d done to her ex’s current girlfriends were insane. I did not want to find out if they were true now.

But I calmed down when I realized that there were 500+ people there. What are the odds those two will meet? Even I don’t have luck that bad. Just in case, I made sure they sat far apart in the theater and entered it through different doors. Aside from that little scene straight out of a
Frasier
episode, the screening went very smoothly.

After the movie was over, we had a small after-party. Just to be double safe, I told HotNurse to head over to the bar as soon as the credits rolled and I would meet her there after I got done talking to people. Problem solved.

I got to the party a little late. HotNurse came up immediately, gave me a kiss, and told me how proud of me she was. And then, being the cool girl she is, she went off and did her own thing so I could have the space to talk to all the people I hadn’t spoken to before the movie. About an hour later, I was still stuck near the front door talking to people… and Alexa walks in.

Alexa “Hey! I am so happy for you, the movie was so great!”

Tucker “Uh—what are you doing here?”

Alexa “Oh, I came with [ActorFriend] and we decided to stop by for a drink.”

Yeah, that’s great, why don’t you just rape me with a buck knife while you’re at it? How fucking ridiculous is this? I’ve dated only two girls in the past six years, and the one party in my life where I don’t want drama is the one where BOTH of them show up. What the fuck?

I know only one way to handle situations like this:

Tucker “Bartender! I want Irish Car Bombs.”

Bartender “How many?”

Tucker “How many clean glasses do you have?”

I chugged enough Guinness, Bailey’s and Jameson to shame an Irishman, and just hoped for the best. I didn’t watch what happened next, but Nils—who knows the history of both girls and was as worried as me that they’d cause a scene—did watch, and this is his recount.

“I remember Alexa starting literally at the opposite end of the bar having drinks with some guy. She instantly spotted HotNurse and began tracking her from across the room, slowly making her way over by way of short chitchat with the people she recognized between her original spot at the end of the bar and where HotNurse was standing over by the jukebox. It was like the scene in a movie where you see the assassin, then you cut to the assassin’s target, unaware. You cut back to the assassin and he’s that much closer. Then back to the dignitary, shaking hands with his back to the danger. Back to a close-up on the face of the assassin as he raises his gun. The tension is ratcheting up, the music is crescendoing, and before you know it, the predator is upon its prey.”

I look over a while later and see Nils with a bad, bad look on his face. He is standing straight up, face frozen in a mix of terror, apprehension, and concern. I’m afraid to follow his eyes.

Tucker “Is it bad?”

Nils “Look.”

HotNurse and Alexa are standing about ten feet from each other, pretending not to notice anything, while out of the corners of their eyes they inspect and judge every physical and material aspect of the other girl. It reminds me of the mongoose and the cobra circling each other in
Rikki-tikki-tavi;
you know one of them isn’t going to survive this face-off, you just don’t know which.

Tucker “Fuck.”

Nils gives me his judgmental eye, then looks immediately back at them. Nils is a big dude, like 6'5”, 260, used to be a bouncer in college, and is wearing the most intense face I’ve ever seen on him. He is ready to pounce and pull them apart when the inevitable happens. Nils’s wife, Jen, comes up to say something to him, and he doesn’t respond to her, so she follows his eyes.

Jen “Oh no… Tucker…”

Tucker “It’s not my fault! I didn’t invite her!”

The tension is maddening. Alexa and HotNurse are two feet away from each other. You know they know exactly who the other one is, and you know they are aching to meet, but both are waiting for the other to make the initial move. Like two field generals, each wants the other to show her strategy first. At least five other people come up to me, each sees what’s going on, and of course, all find it uproariously hilarious.

Sean McKittrick [producer of
Donnie Darko
] “This fight will wreck the whole bar. It’s going to be awesome!”

Jesse Bradford “Oh dude… bad call.”

Tucker “I did NOT invite them both!”

Keri Lynn Pratt “I don’t know why people think your stories are fake. Your real life is much crazier than your book.”

Sean McKittrick “Who wants to make bets? I’m putting money on the blond one, she looks like a dirty fighter.”

Jesse Bradford “I don’t know, HotNurse is skinny, but she’s wiry and strong. She’s a nurse too, she’s used to fighting crazies in the ER.”

Jen “Don’t bet against Alexa. Crazy strength is formidable.”

Tucker “Fuck all of you, this is not funny!”

It’s Alexa who makes the first move. Unable to bear the suspense anymore she faces HotNurse and introduces herself. At that moment, almost
the entire room holds its collective breath, waiting to see what happens. It gets so quiet, I swear to God I can hear their conversation down the bar:

Alexa “Are you HotNurse? I’m Tucker’s other ex, Alexa.”

HotNurse “Yeah, I recognized you from your pictures on Tucker’s site.”

Alexa “Yeah, I recognized you too. Nice to finally meet you.”

You can literally hear the bar exhale and go back to normal noise levels. But not Nils. He’s still watching them like a hawk as they start a conversation, tense, expecting the worst, ready to pounce at any moment.

Nils and I are both pretty good at reading body language, and after five minutes, we kinda come to a realization. This isn’t a catfight. This is not even coming close to a catfight. This is unmistakably an animated, friendly conversation.

Tucker “Dude, are they… friends?”

Nils “For now.”

I go back to drinking and talking to people, at first keeping an eye on them, then getting caught up in some conversation and of course, as soon as I let my guard down, it happens.

I hear this loud thud, then the crash of a dozen glasses hitting the floor. I turn and see HotNurse sitting on the floor, shards of glass all around her and an overturned table behind her, Alexa standing there right in front of her. Everyone else is frozen, staring at them, mortified. Great. I’m going to have to deal with the fallout of this fight for months or years, and I didn’t even get to see the punch.

I take a deep breath and run over, grab Alexa and pull her away from HotNurse.

Tucker “What the fuck?”

Almost immediately everyone starts laughing. Not nervous laughter, but joyful, fun, haha laughter. Alexa, HotNurse, EVERYONE is laughing. A lot.

HotNurse “Whoops. Alexa, I guess we can’t sit on these tables.”

Before I can even help her up, Alexa reaches over and pulls her off the floor.

Tucker “Are you two… getting along!?”

Alexa “Oh my God Tucker, why didn’t you introduce us earlier? HotNurse is so cool, we’re like best friends already!”

I look at HotNurse, who just smiles and shrugs, and both of them start jabbering to me about how much they like each other and how great they are getting along and how they are BFFs forever. I barely have time to process this, they are talking so fast and animatedly. They are like excited children telling their parents about everything they saw at Disney World.

I didn’t know how to react. I had considered scenarios and outlined responses to every possible outcome from this encounter… except this. I could not even conceive of this happening. Alexa and HotNurse are almost polar opposites in almost every way: one blond, pale, and light eyes, the other brunette, olive-complected, and dark eyes. One crazier than a shithouse rat, the other completely emotionally stable. One a toxic narcissist, the other so caring and compassionate she became a nurse, etc., etc. Yet here they were, peas in a pod.

The dynamic between the two was so weird I would have run away if the bar hadn’t been so crowded. It was like wandering into a bad neighborhood and running into a couple of blinged-out thug gangsters… who then start joking around and treating you with respect. You’re just waiting for the other Timberland to drop. When are they going to roll me? I’m going to feel the gunshot any time now. But the gunshot never came, and I could not, for the life of me, understand why not.

Then I thought about it from their perspectives, and there was a logic to it. In taking the measure of each other, they both breathed a sigh of relief because their biggest fears were put to rest: HotNurse realized that she didn’t have anything to worry about competition-wise, because Alexa was just as fucked up and broken as I had told her she was, and Alexa saw that she now had a chance to weasel her way back into my life because I was quasi-dating a girl who liked her. It’s like they each gave the other one hope. They were each other’s Obama.

As strange as this was, I was cool with it, because now I could relax and go back to talking to my friends and getting drunker and drunker. About 1:30am, right before last call, I was content that they really were getting along and that there weren’t going to be any ex-girlfriend eruptions. I felt like I could finally breathe.

Tucker “Nils, did you ever think that would happen? That those two would meet and not have an issue? I guess my life is starting to turn around. The crazy randomness is giving way to some semblance of normality.”

Nils “Don’t hold your breath.”

He saw it before I did. HotNurse and Alexa came over to me, hand in hand, got right up close, and said:

Alexa “HotNurse and I have decided that you’re going to take us home, and we’re all going to have a threesome.”

Tucker “Wait—what?”

Alexa “You’re going to take us back to your place and have a threesome with us.”

I understood each word individually. In the abstract, I assembled them to form a coherent thought. But it took a second for the implications to fully sink in: The only two girlfriends I’d had over the past six years met each other at a bar and decided—independently of me—that we were going to have a threesome.

This couldn’t happening. This was something a teenager makes up and sends to
Penthouse Letters
, and it gets rejected because it’s unrealistic.
I started looking at the people around me in the bar, searching for confirmation that this was in fact happening and not some drunken fantasy of mine. My assistant Ian just stared at me, completely dumbfounded. Nils shook his head and rolled his eyes. Sean McKittrick muttered something about hating me.

Tucker “You’re telling me that you two decided, without asking or consulting me, that the three of us are going to have sex? Together?”

Alexa “Yep.”

Tucker [
directly to HotNurse
] “And you are in on this? You told me when we were dating that you weren’t into threesomes. But now you are?”

HotNurse “Uh-huh.”

There is no playbook for situations like this, because before that moment, I would not have believed it was even possible. But then I remembered that I am Tucker Max, and I did the only thing that made sense. I went all in:

Tucker “Well then, let’s get out of here and go fuck.”

As they were getting their jackets to leave, this one movie guy I’d been talking to for a while—who was even more shocked than my friends—couldn’t figure it out.

Guy “How’d you pull that off? You didn’t even do anything!”

Tucker “Yes I did, you just didn’t see it. The best game is being so good you don’t need game.”

Guy “What does that mean?”

Tucker “Sun Tzu said good generals beat their opponents in the field with superior tactics, great generals beat their opponents by planning a superior strategy, but the best generals beat their opponents without even having to fight.”

Guy “You’re quoting Chinese philosophy to me? I don’t get it.”

Tucker “Probably why you’re going home alone, and I’m going home to have the most epic threesome ever.”

Nils “The connection between Tucker Max and Sun Tzu is simple: Surround yourself with emotionally broken sluts, and they do what comes natural—act like sluts—eliminating the need for you to make it happen.”

Guy “Ohhh…”

When I meet St. Peter at the pearly gates, I will offer this night as proof that my life was great. I’ve had many threesomes in my life. I even dated and lived with a bisexual girl for a year (Bunny is writing her own book about that), so I know my way around two pussies almost as well as one, and I am here to tell you that this was the hottest threesome, and maybe one of the hottest nights, I’ve ever had.

Everything you can imagine doing in a threesome, we did. I fucked one while the other watched, then switched. I fucked one while she ate the other out, then switched. I had one blow me while the other ate out my ass, etc., etc. Go to
YouPorn.com
or
Pussy.org
or whatever your favorite porn site is, watch all the MFF threesome videos, put it into one night, and that was what we did. Three hours of nearly constant sex later, we passed out in a tangled, sweaty heap of tits, dick, and ass. It was glorious. It was such an amazing sexual experience I’m going to be masturbating to it for the rest of my life. THAT’S how good it was.