Read Assholes Finish First Online

Authors: Tucker Max,Maddox

Tags: #Fiction, #Autobiography, #General, #Biography & Autobiography, #Biography, #Humorous, #Humor, #Form, #Subculture, #American Satire And Humor, #Sex, #Anecdotes, #Drinking of alcoholic beverages, #Form - Anecdotes, #Max; Tucker

Assholes Finish First

BOOK: Assholes Finish First
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ASSHOLES

FINISH

FIRST

 

ALSO BY TUCKER MAX

I HOPE THEY SERVE BEER IN HELL

 

Gallery Books
A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright © 2010 by Tucker Max

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Gallery Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

First Gallery Books hardcover edition September 2010

GALLERY BOOKS and colophon are trademarks of
Simon & Schuster, Inc.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases,
please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-866-506-1949
or [email protected].

The Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau can bring authors to your live event. For more information or to book an event contact the Simon & Schuster Speakers Bureau at 1-866-248-3049 or visit our website at
www.simonspeakers.com
.

Designed by Diane Hobbing of Snap-Haus Graphics

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Max, Tucker.
    Assholes finish first / by Tucker Max.
     p. cm.
    1. Max, Tucker—Sexual behavior—Anecdotes. 2. Max, Tucker—
Alcohol use—Anecdotes. 3. Sex—Anecdotes. 4. Drinking of alcoholic beverages—Anecdotes. I. Title.
    CT275.M464713A3 2010
    616.85'83300922—dc22
2010023159

ISBN 978-1-4169-3874-3
ISBN 978-1-4169-5114-8 (ebook)

C
ONTENTS

Author’s Note

T
UCKER
G
OES TO
C
AMPOUT
, O
WNS
D
UKE
N
ERDS

T
HE
S
EX
S
TORIES
, P
ART
2

Whoredentification

Reduce, Recycle, Reuse

The Shittiest Hookup Ever

Tucker and His First MILF

Not Another Teen Hookup

Burn, Baby, Burn!

I’m a Zit, Get It?

Head Doctor

Earth First

T
HE
C
APITOL
C
ITY
C
LOWN
C
RAWL

T
HE
DC H
ALLOWEEN
P
ARTY AND
T
HE
W
ORST
G
IRL
I E
VER
F
UCKED

T
HE
T
UCKER
M
AX
E
XPERIENCE

T
HE
T
UCKER
M
AX
S
EXUAL
T
O-
D
O
L
IST

The Amputee Story

The Aborted Twins

The Midget Story

E
VERYBODY
F
AILS

Everything Goes Wrong

The Oversell

Hello, Nurse

My 21st Birthday

F
UCKED-UP
P
ILLOW
T
ALK
, P
ART
2

T
HE
T
UCKERFEST
S
TORY

T
HE
P
OST-FAME
S
EX
S
TORIES

I
NTRODUCTION

T
HE
T
ATTOO
S
TORIES

Aren’t You Lucky?

Lucky + You

Time Flies When You’re Fucking Tatted-up Whores

Next-Level Shit

I W
ANT TO
C
UM
G
ET A
L
OAD!

PoopLips

I’m Not That Type of Girl

Nils and the Pepperdine D-Girl

T
HE
T
HINGS
I P
UT
U
P WITH FOR
P
USSY

Too Old for This Shit

Why You Don’t Fuck USC Girls

Whoring for Charity

B
ABY
M
AMA
D
RAMA

T
HE
V
IRGINITY
P
ARADOX

Don’t Fuck with Jack LaLanne

Strict Liability

T
HE
T
UCKER
M
AX
S
EX
-
RAY

H
OT
, S
ANE
, S
INGLE

The Fresno Vet

Wilfred Brimley’s Daughter

LA Girls Have Their Own Category

T
UCKER
M
AX
: B
ABY
K
ILLER

T
HE
M
IDGETS
S
TRIKE
B
ACK

I F
UCKED
T
UCKER
M
AX!

The Penn State Lemondrop Girl

Texts from Tucker Max’s Night

The Handprint Story

Objectification

G
OOD
G
AME
, G
REAT
G
AME, AND
N
O
G
AME

P
RELUDE TO
H
ILARITY
E
NSUES

B
ONUS
S
ECTION
: O
THER
P
ERSPECTIVES
FROM THE
P
EOPLE
W
HO
W
ERE
T
HERE

A
UTHOR’S
N
OTE

My real name is Tucker Max. All the events described in the following stories are true to the best of my recollection, though certain dates, characteristics, locations, and other trivial details have been altered.

I hope you enjoy reading about my life as much as I have enjoyed living it.

T
UCKER
G
OES TO
C
AMPOUT,
O
WNS
D
UKE
N
ERDS

Occurred—September 2000

I went to law school at Duke, and as you may know, basketball is huge there. The demand for tickets, even for grad students, far outstrips the supply. In order to solve this problem, the people in charge make grad students camp out in a field to get into the lottery for the chance to get tickets. They expect you to spend a weekend sleeping in dirt and checking in every time they blow their whistles, like a fucking homeless kindergartener.

You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? This is taken directly from the Duke grad student website:

“Welcome to Duke! Let’s get right to the most important issue on your mind: How can
YOU
get season tickets to this year’s men’s basketball games in Cameron Indoor Stadium? Eligibility to purchase tickets is determined via the
Graduate and Professional Student Council Basketball Ticket Campout.
Campout for Duke Men’s Basketball season will be held starting at 7:00pm on
Friday, September 8
, and runs through
Sunday, September 10
, at approximately 7am.

The rules are simple: make it through the weekend without missing two attendance checks and your name is entered in a lottery. Lottery winners are then drawn and each of these lucky individuals is eligible to buy one of the 700 graduate and professional season tickets.…

BOOK: Assholes Finish First
11.11Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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