As the World Churns (20 page)
“Oh, not again,” I wailed. You’d wail too if the
National Exposer
had printed a special issue on you, naming you as Bigfoot only because your feet were-well, rather big.
“Yes, but that’s not all: Jonathan Lehman is convinced that Doc’s possessed by an evil spirit and beat his own self up. He’s trying to convince a Reverend Haggleworth to come up here from Cumberland,
“Trust me. Doc’s not up to exercise just yet. Exorcism either.
Anything that might be credible?”
Wanda scowled. “Honestly, Magdalena, you have no imagination. Think of the money that we could make, if we did the exorcism ourselves-well, you at any rate. I mean, you’re pretty scary, right? And I could sell the bottles right here in my gift corner. Heck, we could even advertise our product in
TV Guide
. You
know,
five easy payments of $19.95. Or maybe an infomercial would be the way to go: ‘Act now, and you get your choice of designer bottles in the color of your choosing,
plus
a two-ounce container of Holy Talcum Powder that’s guaranteed to keep demons away from you and your loved ones if used on a daily basis.’ For refills, of course, we’d charge a mint.”
Who knew that Wanda and I had so much in common? Under different circumstances, and if we were different people, we might have been able to be business partners-although scamming the public with a devilish scheme like that would be like playing with fire. Much better to charge them an arm and a leg for something real, no matter how paltry it might be-like little bags of barn hay tied up with fancy ribbons and labeled with cute sayings like “Hay there, miss you” or “I took a straw poll and-”
“Magdalena, have you fallen asleep? Don’t tell me you’re drunk again.”
I shook my way out of a lucrative daydream. “Rumors of my drinking have been highly exaggerated. Anyhow, the gossip you’ve related so far, as stimulating as it is, will not help me find Doc’s assailant. Don’t you have anything else?”
Wanda sighed. “Well, there was something that Mary Anne Gingerich said-something about Doc. But I’d hardly call it newsworthy.”
“Gossip never is. Now spit it out, dear.”
22
“You’re so pushy, Magdalena, you know that? Anyway, when Mary Anne got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, she noticed a light on in Doc’s house. But then it was off by the time she went back to bed.”
The Gingeriches are Doc’s nearest neighbors. Doc has often complained about how nosy Mary Anne is. Once he caught her going through his garbage.
“The light was probably on a timer,” I said.
“That’s what Mary Anne thought too, but an hour later when she had to go again, it was back on.”
“That explains it!”
“Explains what? That Doc had a woman staying over? Magdalena, I hate to have to be the one to break it to you, but that ship has long sailed.”
I feigned shock by clapping my cheeks with my hands. “It
has
?”
“Honestly, you’d think an experienced adulteress like you would be a bit savvier about the ways of the world.”
“I was an inadvertent adulteress-unlike some people in this room.”
Wanda leapt to her feet, nearly taking the booth with her.
“How dare you heap accusations at my feet? I only cheated on him
once,
I’ll have you know-twice, if you count that time when we were separated. That hardly makes me a real adulteress.”
“Hmm.
That all depends; have you applied for your AARP card?”
“I’m not that old, you doofus.”
“The Adulterers’ Association of Rural Pennsylvania has no age restrictions, dear.
Although the dues are said to be quite steep.”
“Are you making fun of me again?”
“Absolutely.”
I stood as well.
“If you leave now, you’ll still have to pay for your food.”
“You haven’t even taken my order back to the kitchen.”
“Get out of my restaurant!”
“Certainly, dear.”
I was still hungry, of course, but I knew that Freni had already served my guests lunch. While technically it is my kitchen, in reality it is the sovereign domain of a stout, stubborn Amish woman in her mid-seventies. I would rather scavenge for bones in a lion’s den than raid my own refrigerator for leftovers after my cook has “put the kitchen up.” Fortunately, not only did Hernia’s fifth greatest cook (I sell the complete list for two dollars) live only a stone’s throw from the Sausage Barn, he was always eager for visitors.
Reverend Richard Nixon is pastor of the First and Only True Church of the One and Only Living God of the Tabernacle of Supreme Holiness and Healing and Keeper of the Consecrated Righteousness of the Eternal Flame of Jehovah. He was also one of my judges for the Holstein competition the next day. By dropping in on him, I could kill two birds with one stone.
The parsonage of this miniscule congregation is a single-wide trailer that sits adjacent to the windowless concrete block building that serves as a sanctuary. Originally, a set of wooden steps allowed one easy access to the trailer door, but they’ve rotted over the years, and have yet to be replaced. My guess is that the church with thirty-two words in its name is too poor to maintain its property. Whatever the reason, the lack of steps doesn’t negatively impact Reverend Nixon, because he has the longest legs I’ve ever seen outside of a zoo.
Usually the reverend is quick to pop out of his cramped quarters, whereupon he greets his visitors with a warm smile. However, since I’d eschewed the gravel parking lot in favor of a grass sward, it is possible my approach had gone unnoticed.
“Yoo-hoo,” I hollered through cupped hands.
Still receiving no response, I strode to the door, and rapped on it with knuckles that are the envy of woodpeckers. Finally, after damage was beginning to show (on the metal door, not my hands), the good reverend appeared.
“
Magdalena
, what a pleasant surprise.”
“No offense,” I said sweetly, “but are you losing your hearing?”
“Not at all.
I have the TV on.”
“In the daytime?”
“I’m also eating lunch. Would you care to join me?”
“What are you having?”
“Stew.
And then deep-dish apple pie for dessert.”
“Well . . .” I hung my head coyly.
“Home-churned ice cream comes with the pie.”
“All right, if you insist. But you’ll have to help me up. I’m five feet ten, but I’m no giantess-oops, sorry about that.”
“No offense taken. I rather like being this tall; I can sit anywhere I want in a movie theater, and no one is in my way. The only drawback is that I can’t stand in this trailer. I thought of tearing off the roof and building a sort of skylight down the middle-I’d do it myself, of course-but skylights are notorious for leaking, and then in the summer I’d have to worry about overheating this place. So instead, I’m looking into the feasibility of dropping the floor about a foot.
Maybe even adding a basement.”
My mouth fell open. Fortunately, it was still too early for flies.
“
You
watch movies? Isn’t that a sin?”
He offered me his hand, which was slightly larger than the state of
I graciously accepted, and soon was seated across from him in a galley that was far smaller than the state of
“-of course, that’s it in a nutshell. Feel free to ask questions, if you have any.”
“Huh? What did you say?”
“How charming, Magdalena,” he said, entirely without sarcasm. “How utterly like you: always off in your own little world. At any rate, I said something about it boiling down to moral selectivity.”
“You’re darn tootin’.” I swallowed my pride along with a spoonful of delicious stew gravy. “By the way, what does that mean?”
“It means that I, along with everyone else in this world-with possibly a few
un
notable exceptions-pick and choose our moral laundry list.”
“Yes, of course, but can you give me an example?”
“Take divorce, for instance. It used to be the big no-no. But when the so-called Moral Majority lined up to vote a divorced man into office-that would be Ronald Reagan-they had to pick a new cause. Enter abortion as the cause du jour. That took them through the eighties and half the nineties. However, nothing has got them so worked up and spewing hate in the name of God as homosexuality. The ironic thing is that Jesus came down hard on divorce, but he had nothing at all to say about abortion or gay rights.”
“To be fair, there are a lot of other sins Jesus didn’t mention by name.”
“Do you think loving someone is a sin?”
“This isn’t about me!”
“Yes, it is. It’s all about all of us. Tell me, Magdalena, which sin do you choose to ignore?
Perhaps even to justify?”
“
Moi?
Uh-nothing comes to mind.”
“Be honest.”
“Okay, I give up. Pull out the bamboo slivers. Lighten up on the thumbscrews. I suppose that it is possible that at times I am creative with the truth.”
“You’re a liar. Come on, say it.”
“I most certainly will not!”
He fixed his doleful brown eyes on me, no doubt trying to guilt me into a full-blown confession. I, however, stood my ground. And it wasn’t even that hard. All I had to do was pretend that he was Mama, and that she had just whipped me for stealing the last piece of her rhubarb pie. I hadn’t stolen it, of course, because I hated her rhubarb pie. It was so
bitter,
it literally killed half your taste buds before you could gag it down. Since both Papa and Susannah vehemently denied eating the vile stuff, I could only conclude that the missing piece had managed to make its way over to the sink, where it voluntarily committed suicide by jumping into the garbage disposal.
“Wow,” the reverend finally said, “you’re a tough nut to crack.”
“Indisputably so.
Now tell me about your movie addiction.”
“It’s not an addiction; it’s merely a sinful pleasure. I go every Saturday if I’m free. I call it my little excursion into Sodom and Gomorrah.”
I gasped. “You go all the way to
“Don’t worry, I take provisions. But I don’t want to be a stumbling block to my congregation, so I have to go someplace they aren’t likely to see me.”
My head reeled. “Let me get this straight. You choose your big sin, and then, as they say in this day and age, you ‘own’ it?”