Envious

Also by Katie Keller-Nieman:

ENVIOUS

Envious

Envious Obsession

ENVIOUS

KATIE KELLER-NIEMAN

All Rights Reserved

Envious, Copyright © 2013 Katie Keller-Nieman.

No part of this book can be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database retrieval system, without prior written permission of the Author. You must not circulate this book in any format. Thank you for respecting the rights of the Author.

This is a work of fiction. Any references to real people, historical events, or real locals are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

Cover art by Katie Keller-Nieman
.

All stock purchased.

Edited by Kathleen Crouse
.

www.katiekellernieman.com

For my mom and my husband.

Without you both, this book w
ould never

have left my computer.

Thank you.

“The past is never dead, it is not even past.”

–William Faulkner

PROLOGUE

2000

I think something’s happening to me. I keep having these dreams, these odd, amazing dreams. Sometimes I find myself wanting to sleep just so I can live in this other world in my mind, just slip away into it. I used to think everyone had dreams like these, but now I’m not so sure. They seem too important to be just dreams. They call on me without control, begging for attention. However, it’s hard to see what I need to. They seem so blurry…fuzzy even, like static on a TV. I’ve been searching through static.

I don’t know why I have these dreams, or even when they started, but the longer they continue the more I realize that there must be a reason. They must have a purpose. I think they may be visions, dreams of my past lives. No one knows about this. I haven’t told anyone. They would think I’ve lost my mind. No one will understand. No one can. Not even Aurora.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I’ve always felt different from other people. I’ve always felt out of place. And now I know why. I live in two worlds, the past and the present. I know it sounds crazy, but I’m not crazy. And I
know
crazy; I’ve seen it. Crazy is my aunt. Crazy is my cousin. And I, Sandy Whitmer, am not crazy.

2000, TODD:

Todd pulled his car up to the yellow house with the white porch. God, he hadn’t been there in forever. It was only vaguely familiar. He got out of his ancient Cavalier and stared at the house, weighing his mother’s decision. This place had to be way better than his home. But his lifestyle wouldn’t fit here. Lies and secrets were going to be absolutely necessary. He would lie as much as he had to, because he was staying. There was no way he was going back to his mom, or back to prison.

Todd pushed his dark brown hair out of his eyes, scratching his scalp nervously. A thin blonde girl, maybe fourteen or fifteen—his little cousin’s age, about five years younger than he was—watched him from the porch next door. In her arms she held a calico cat that kept struggling to get loose. Todd went around to his trunk and pulled out a bag and a box that carried a few of his belongings. He hadn’t taken everything. His mom wouldn’t let him.
Well fuck her.

“Whisky, come back!” he heard the girl next-door cry as the fluffy cat came trotting up to him. He tried to ignore the cat, but it kept stretching on its hind legs, pawing at his knee. He reluctantly bent down, picked it up and cradled it against his chest. The cat snuggled its head into his neck, purring loudly against his throat.

Todd snickered, whispering to the cat, “Do you have any clue who you’re lovin’ up on?” Cat must be confused. Ask anyone from his old neighborhood, he was trouble. He was dangerous even, especially since he had gotten out of prison. He had a rep, and it wasn’t good, not that he was proud of that or anything.
That’s just the way it is.
Todd began heading over to the blonde girl. She glared down at him from her porch, her lips pressed tightly together.

Todd held the cat out to her, passing it over the railing. “I’m Todd,” he began, figuring being polite to the neighbor girl wouldn’t kill him.

“I know who you are,” she snapped, snatching the cat from his hands. Whisky gave a nasty hiss at the girl and squirmed away, bolting to the opposite end of the porch.

Clearly this girl wanted him dead. What a great fuckin’ way to start in this damn state.

“Whatever,” he muttered.

Turning away, he lit up a cigarette. He needed a hit off the pipe, but not here, not now. After. Once he finished doing the whole welcome back to Connecticut deal, then he’d find himself alone and happy.

This wasn’t his “carefree” home. His aunt was expecting a problem that needed fixing, and he planned to act like he was already fixed. Not one fucking problem. That should be convincing for all of maybe a week. Even the neighbor girl could already tell that he was a loser.

Maybe I like being a loser
, he thought
.

Todd took a long drag from his cigarette as he snatched up the heavy bag from the ground like it was nothing.
This could be good. A new town, away from mom,
he thought. He had always liked his Aunt Linda. The times she came to visit always seemed less chaotic. Of course, he hadn’t seen her in years, since before he had gotten into crack and gone to youth prison. He would play it like the system worked, like he was all fixed up and ready to…what did people like them do? Work? He would need to, as if anyone would hire him. He didn’t exactly have a sparkling resume. But drugs don’t come free. This would be good. His aunt knew his issues and had agreed to take him in anyway. She wanted to “help,” as if he needed help. He just needed cash.

His Aunt Linda and Uncle Jack came out onto the little white porch and Linda stepped down the steps toward him, leaving Jack behind with a scowl on his face. Linda had changed drastically, from a happy mom and sister, to this red-dye-job-fresh-from-the-salon bitch.

Great. Different place, same story.
But then she smiled at him. The old Linda was still there. Without thinking, he dropped his bag and gave her a quick hug. She squeezed him encouragingly and he immediately knew her deal. She was fucking ecstatic about him being there. And not because he was so much fucking fun. But because she couldn’t wait to mold him like clay and hand him back to his mom. Their rivalry had always been apparent. Well, hell no. He wasn’t going back ever. He loved his mom, yeah, but that didn’t mean he had to like her.

Todd picked up his bag again, looking up at Uncle Jack, reading the tall, slim man instantly. The hate was all too apparent. He didn’t want him there.
Well, too fuckin’ bad, dick. Cuz I’m staying.

“Where’s Sandy?” Todd asked, actually excited to see his little cousin. He had always loved her the best, like a little sister—one he hadn’t seen in forever.

“She’s inside,” Aunt Linda answered, guiding him up the steps and into the house. Todd smiled unexpectedly when he saw Sandy. She was sitting on the sofa, her brown hair wild and messy around her face, but, other than that, she’d grown up pretty.

“Hey, Sandy,” he said, feeling as though he was still talking to the little three-year-old he had spent so much time with way back when he lived with their grandma.

Sandy barely glanced at him, and the realization that living there was going to suck hit him hard. He fought the urge to go back to his car and go home. But his mom had kicked him out. He was stuck. It was this or the streets.

“Whatever,” he muttered, tossing his bag to the floor. He headed back outside for the box, his aunt following close behind. Todd stopped halfway. The girl next door was still staring at him. He stared back, trying to figure out what her fuckin’ deal was.

“Hi sweetie,” his aunt called out to the girl, who smiled back politely. “Have you met Aurora?” she asked Todd.

“Sorta,” Todd answered, grinding his cigarette butt into the lawn with his foot.

“She and Sandy are best friends,” Linda told him with a bright smile, brighter than it should be. “Such a nice girl.”

Sandy
was her daughter, not Aurora. But he wasn’t stupid enough to point that out to her. He wasn’t dumb enough to care.

SANDY

1954

“Bye Aurora,” I said as if nothing was wrong, though that was not the case. I turned my back to her as I walked down the sidewalk leading away from the diner we spent so much of our lives at. Day after day we walked there and back, pouring our hearts out to each other. We were tight, the kind of friends that told each other everything, everything except… there was one thing she didn’t know about me, and she never would. I winced as rays from the setting sun glared into my eyes. I was alone today. Left to walk home by myself.
Aurora.

I turned when I reached the large oak that stood at the edge of the parking lot. It was my tree, the tree that always made it possible to spy on the person who had been nothing but honest to me for as long as I had known her. This tree never let me down, unlike her. I pressed my full skirt close to my body, so I wouldn’t be given away by it, and peeked my head out from behind the rough bark. There she was, looking flawless, as usual, greeting Eric as he stepped out of his shiny black Buick. His hair caught the sunlight, shining a brilliant blond.

He’s so…perfect.

Aurora reached out to him, her hair a perfect heap of golden silk lying over her shoulders. My eyes were glued to her as she slid her arms around Eric’s slim waist.
That hussy.
The only way I felt any bit of happiness in my miserable life was by imagining that I was in her place. I was the one who pulled at the back of his cotton shirt and drew circles along his spine. I felt his lips brush my cheek, as he…what was he doing? Whispering? Aurora nodded and Eric kissed her lips. My lips. No, her lips, but they should be mine. I should be the one making out with him. I deserved him, not her. She always got everything, leaving me with nothing. I turned my back and leaned against the tree for support.

I shouldn’t keep torturing myself, letting this envy consume me. It’s exactly what made me so depressed. It was tearing my friendship with Aurora apart. I couldn’t let that happen. She was my only friend, the only reason I wasn’t a complete outcast.

“Sandy?” I turned as I heard Aurora’s voice and looked up at her face. “Are you alright?”

“You saw me here?” I asked, pushing my dull, frizzy hair out of my face.

“Cool it, Sandy.” She laughed lightly. “No, I’m psychic. I sensed that you needed a friend. Was I right?” she kidded, her usual, totally non-comical, pathetic excuse for a tease, to brighten my spirits. “I’m sorry I forgot we were hanging out, and I know that you didn’t want to impose on
my
date, but Eric agreed that he would love for you to join us.”

That was what I hated most about her. Always so caring and willing to include me. I
hated
that. “I already told you, no! Leave me alone!” I said as I began to walk away.

“I’m really sorry, I forgot.”

“Of course you’re sorry,” I said, trying my best to choke down my hate and resentment. I forced a tiny fake smile. “And don’t worry about my feelings, they’re perfectly intact. Go on now. Have fun on your date with Eric.”

CHAPTER 1

LIKE A DREAM

“Sandra?”

I snapped back to reality, to the here and now, the year 2004. I was sitting in my mythology class, no longer in a vision of my past, a very realistic dream with striking clarity. That’s how they had been for a while now: clear, bright, emotional.

Now, in the present, there I was, sitting next to someone familiar from long ago. Eric. Eric Jansen. “Sandy? You look kind of sick, you okay?” he asked.

I gazed up into his perfect blue eyes. Even though he was slouching, he still seemed so tall. My heartbeat quickened as I lost myself in his face. His eyebrows were arched with concern. His hair, the color of wheat, was always perfectly messy, locks of light blond tossed about his scalp and over his forehead. His fair skin seemed to always have a slight blush to it. And his jaw, strong and masculine, still held that boyish look that had always seemed to captivate me. Eric’s lips, the lips I could not get out of my head, were of medium fullness and slightly parted, making me want to lean into them. He was so sweet, so caring, so-

“Sandy?”

I had forgotten to answer him.
I never forget to answer when his voice speaks.
Maybe I really am sick
.

“Maybe you should go back to the dorms,” he suggested.

I struggled to hold back a smile. He was concerned for me,
how sweet.
A feeling of warmth rose up from deep inside me as I reveled in his caring expression. I breathed a short breath, playing the part…or because I had to, I was no longer sure. That settled it; I was staying put. I wasn’t going to play the victim.

“I’m fine, Eric. Don’t worry so much. You’re worse than Aurora,” I teased, as I awkwardly smoothed my hair back behind my ears. It fell right back to where it had just been, hiding my high cheekbones behind a dull brown mess.

“You’re sure you’re alright?” he asked, worry still evident in his face. “You know, Aurora would kill me if I let you get sick in class,” he said with a slight smile.

I loved having classes with him. I began to pull my supplies out of my shoulder bag. I set my notebook and a pen on the table. We still had five minutes before class. I had enough time left to ask what I had been planning to for days.

“Have you worked out your schedule for next semester yet?” I asked.

“Nah. As usual, I’m a little
behind schedule
,” he laughed at his own pun. “Anyway, I hope next semester is easier than this one.” He doodled on his notebook for a moment in silence. “I barely have any time for anything. Too bad I’m not as smart as you. Then I’d actually get an ‘A’ for once.” His solemn tone almost brought tears to my eyes.

There it was. Right in front of me. My chance. My chance with Eric, to get closer to him. Closer and closer still, until my heart would burst into a billion fragmented bits, never to be pieced back together.