Arrow of Time (40 page)

“
I'm gonna go and talk to Edie,” he said as the door closed. “She's... they're fighting, I think it's bad.”

“
How bad?”

“
Dawg is in his room emptying a bottle of whiskey with the plan to pass out on his bed while hoping that she's not on her way to Africa.”

“
What did he do?”

“
He told her what we're doing. She had a hard time processing parts of it. I'm gonna go and have a talk to her. See if I can do a better job at it. Since she doesn't hold that pussy power over me, I might be able to do a better job than he did.”

Mel smiled at him. “You're a good man.”

“Not really. I like my Old Lady in a good mood. Keeping her sister in a good mood helps. I like my men on top of their game and she's currently totally mindfucking one of them.”

Mel stood up, came over and threw her arms around his neck, beaming up at him, and every fucking time she did that his heart skipped a beat.

“You love her. I know you do.”

“
Actually, I do. Love you more, though.”

“
You better,” Mel mumbled.

He grabbed her ass and gave her a wet kiss. “You okay with picking up Eliza?”

“I am, and if you really buy me a new AC tomorrow, I'll get down on my knees in front of it, and if your glorious cock is anywhere near, I'll blow it.”

“
My cock will be here,” he said and swatted her behind. “And I'll pay back in kind.”

“
Good,” Mel took a step back. “Tell Edie that... if she needs to talk to me for the female perspective, or something, I'm here.”

“
She knows that, baby.”

Since that talk, when Edie told Mel she needed to forgive herself, they'd slowly started to connect as sisters. So he had no doubt Edie knew Mel would be there for her. At the moment he wasn't sure she had her head screwed on right, and when women didn't, they ran blind.

-o0o-

I wasn't sure how to handle this, I wasn't sure I was even trying. It felt like I was only panicking without even trying to... understand anything or dealing with it. Dealing with them muling conflict diamonds because all I could think about was Togba's beaten, skinny and amputated body as I watched him die. I had never used regular jewelry since. I just couldn't. Most precious stones and just... all of it. I couldn't make the distinction between the good and the bad, so I stayed away from all of it. The jewelry I had was polished wood, some made out of bone and with very few exceptions I had watched them being made.

The bile rose in my throat when I realized that the jewelry I'd borrowed from Lanie probably was real diamonds, conflict diamonds, and I hadn't even thought about it.

Logically, I understood his reasoning. Dawg's. That pot wasn't all that much better, drugs in general where as horrible as conflict diamonds, but it wasn't the same to me.

My eyes fell on the bookshelves, the table, the sofa. All of it paid for by him. With money he'd made by muling those fucking diamonds.

I needed to get out. Get away to be able to make some sense of where my head was taking me at the moment. I packed my backpack, and in record time I was out the door and on my way to the truck. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew this wasn't the solution, but I ignored that feeling.

When I unlocked the truck, I heard the gruff male voice behind me.

“Hey there, girl.” I turned around and saw Brick leaning on his bike. “Running?”

“
I...” I stared at him and finally settled on just telling him the truth. “Yes.”

“
Mind if we have a word before you take off?”

I did mind. Quite a lot, but the past year had taught me that if he wanted a word, he got his word, so I nodded.

“Can we go inside?”

“
No...” I kept staring at him and then finally admitted it. “I put the key in the mail box.” He looked at me with a smile and a raised eyebrow. I realized that I had most of my things in there and to get those back I would have to get Dawg's key. I sighed. “Yeah, I didn't think that through, did I?”

“
Not really,” he laughed. “I know a place. Get in the truck and I'll take you there.”

He drove my truck out into the desert. It wasn't until he parked the car that it hit me that I would have to drive back into Greenville to drop him off before I went anyway, and I didn't have to ask him if that was planned. Of course it was planned. We went outside and sat down on the ground. But he didn't say anything, just lit a joint and handed me another one. Finally I spoke up first, and that had probably been his plan all along. There wasn't much he didn't plan. I knew why he was here, why he'd come for me. He'd talked to Dawg, so he knew that I knew.

“How do you defend it?” I asked.

“
The same way I defend smuggling pot, aiding Mexican cartels, using gasoline, drinking Coke and buying shoes and clothes made in China by underpaid children. I don't even try, because I can't. It's a fucked up world. I'm just trying to live in it, making sure that the people closest to me are having a good life.”

It sounded so simple when he put it like that, and it made me angry. Because it wasn't that simple. I couldn't agree with it, you couldn't reason like that. Just put yourself apart from the rest of the world and take care of your own bubble.

“Really fucking convenient, just saying 'fuck it all as long as me and my family are having a good life'.”

“
Maybe,” he chuckled. “It's how I keep myself sane. The way I see it, all that shit is gonna happen either way, and I know that it's not enough for you to hear that or how you see it, but that's how
I
see it, and that's what you asked for. But if you take off, leave all this behind again, we're still gonna be in this business tomorrow. You'll just not be here The other option is to stick around, be with him, and try to change the world in other ways.”

“
I can't change the world, but I'd like to be able to live with myself and my part in it. And... standing by him and just... living off of that blood money. I don't know.” I looked at the joint in my hand. “I know it's hypocritical. That I care about diamonds and don't give a shit about the pot.”

Another of those wonderful laughs rose in his chest, and he shook his head, put an arm around my shoulders and kissed the top of my head.

“It's not hypocritical, it human. We don't have an objective way to view the world. It's very subjective and based on our experiences and knowledge. It's obviously something that means a lot to you, and that's why it matters. What we see and experience shape our opinions and determinations. If we try to care about
everything
we'll go insane.”

I leaned my head against him and closed my eyes. It was like being back with Vasco, and he'd made me feel better. About a lot of things. It never ceased to amaze me how much these people just accepted other people’s failings. Maybe it was because they had so many flaws themselves. And then I just opened my mouth and I told him about it. About Togba.

“I spent a few months in a small village in west Ghana. They were really nice people, they weren't poor, but definitely not rich. I tried to be of as much use as possible, to not exploit their kindness, and they put me on the duty the kids had, collecting bugs for food.”

“
Bugs for food?”

“
Yes,” I nodded. “Insects are nutritious, lots of protein. It's good food and good for the environment. The kids who were gonna show me thought it was hilarious since I was a grown up. It wasn't usually a job for grown ups. I... I wasn't crazy about bugs and I thought it was kind of disgusting, but I did it. They taught me.”

The first insect I ever managed to catch was a palm weevil. When I stood with it in my hand, desperately trying to not throw up, they all laughed and cheered. Their big black eyes gleamed, and they looked so proud. The bug, that looked like a big red beetle, didn't taste all that bad when fried, but I never ate them raw the way some of the kids happily did. Stink bugs were another ugly thing we collected. And they had earned their name. They were roasted, sometimes soaked in water. The soaked water was saved by the women and used to keep termites away from the house. That was one thing that always fascinated me with the people I met in villages just like that one: nothing was ever wasted.

I felt Brick squeezing me, and I realized that I'd been quiet for quite some time. Just remembering those kids’ faces. I'd spent so much time with them. And their parents, the proud, kind people who refused my money. They said they were good, they had food, shelter and good family. If I wanted to stay, I could stay. If I wanted to help, I could work, but that was it. I cleared my throat to continue.

“
I went back about two years later and...” I wasn't sure how to continue. “Some of them were gone. Quite a few of them. They had been kidnapped. It didn't take me long to find out that they had been brought to the Ivory Coast to work as slaves, mining diamonds. I found a camp set up by UN and there I found... one of the children.”

It was Togba. Instead of the laughing kid with gleaming eyes, he was an empty shell. His eyes hollow, when he saw me he grabbed my hand, with the only hand he still had left. They'd cut off the other one. I had no idea why, but the staff working in the camp said it was something they saw often.

“What did he tell you?”

“
Nothing. He couldn't speak, but when I asked him if anyone of the others were still... he shook his head.” I dried my cheeks. “He didn't make it either.”

“
You sat with him until he died.” He didn't ask. He was just confirming what he already knew, and I felt fresh tears falling down my cheeks.

“
Yes.”

“
Honey...” he started and hugged me. “I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry.”

“
I went to South America after that, and a few months later, that's when I came here. I was done, it really felt like that was it. It didn't matter what I did, things could always happen that turned everything to shit again.” I leaned out of his arms, dried my cheeks and sat up. “I don't know how to be a part of this and live with those memories at the same time.”

“
First of all, darling, you're not a part of that. You're a part of your family, your sister, your niece and her family. That's all you're a part of. You have no say in the rest of it. You never will have, so it's not on you.”

“
It's not that simple.”

“
Yeah, it is. What the club does isn't on you.”

“
But, Brick...” He wouldn't let me finish.

“
No! There's no 'but'. It's not on you.”

“
Ever heard that quote about the problem not being the acts of evil people, but the silence of the good people?”

“
Honey, you can scream your lungs out if it makes you feel better. We really wouldn't give a shit, because when it comes to the club, we don't give a shit what other people think.” I turned my head and looked at him; he was smiling. “So as long as you're not planning on going to the cops to rat us out, where you are and what you do or say, doesn't matter. It won't make a difference”

I wasn't going to do that. That had actually not even been in my thoughts, and I shook my head.

“I wouldn't do that.”

“
I know, that's not what I meant.”  He looked towards the horizon again. “Girl, you don't have to change your opinions
or
convictions to be with him, you just have to decide if you're okay with him not sharing them.”

“
I'm not sure it's that easy.”

“
In the end, honey, it really is. Not the decision, that's tough as hell, but the facts are that easy. You've found a man you love and who loves you. He's going to protect you and provide for you, but do it in a way that you don't like. Can you live with that or not?”

To me, it wasn't that easy. Could I live in a home with things I knew had been paid with money from that?  How much of what I felt now just came from the shock of finding out? When I still didn't answer, Brick continued to speak again.

“You also need to decide how long you're gonna keep running. You can't change the past, the things you've seen, done or been through. But one of these days you're gonna have to decide what you want your future to be, because that you can influence. You deserve a good future. You've gone through enough shit in your life.”

“
And you're saying I can get a good future here?” I might have sound a little sarcastic.

“
I can't answer that, only you can. What I can tell you is that I doubt Mel is all that fucking thrilled about how I make a living. She just decided that the good outweighed the bad.” I looked up at him and he smiled. “I can also tell you that the road is gonna be there, if you decide that it's too much, you can always leave. What you also need to remember is that leaving isn't just leaving Dawg. There's other people here who love you.”