Arizona Pastor (8 page)

Wade pointed from Joel to Mel. “But the two of you are human. Though you want to love each other with an unfailing love, you're still going to fail. Which is why your cords are all about commitment.”

“Commitment?” Joel questioned. “I'm committed to Mel. That's why I want to marry her.”

Wade sat forward and leaned against the desk. “But you have to decide now if you're going to be committed even when you don't want to be married to her.”

Mel frowned. “But I hope he always wants to be married to me.”

Wade glanced around his office. Books about all kinds of faith and relational topics covered two walls of shelves. He had just as many tomes loaded on his electronic reader. He didn't have personal experience as a married man, but he'd witnessed enough marriages and divorces to know that what he was trying to say was true.
How do I express it?

He snapped his fingers. “Think of any relationship you've had, outside of the one with each other.” He pointed to both of them. “Tell me someone.”

“My cousin, Brock,” said Joel.

“My mom,” said Mel.

“Okay.” Wade nodded. “Have you ever been so frustrated you didn't want anything to do with them?”

“I don't really speak to Brock anymore. We were best buds until his family moved to Michigan. Then he kinda became a jerk,” said Joel.

Mel snorted. “My mom's driving me crazy right now. I avoid her every chance I get.”

Wade cringed. Kristy would be devastated to hear Mel's words. “If that relationship was a marriage, you would need to fix it. No matter how you feel about the person, you're committed.” He waved his hand. “I'm not talking about abuse or infidelity. Those situations have to be dealt with on an individual and different basis.”

He motioned to Joel. “You'd have to work through him being a jerk.” He turned to Mel. “And you'd have to deal with her driving you crazy. Does that make sense?”

He handed a packet to the couple. One of his pastor friends had emailed the papers to him earlier, and Wade had printed them for Mel and Joel. “Go through these scriptures and answer the questions together sometime this week.” He picked up two sheets of paper and gave one to each of them. “But before you go, I want you both to fill out this questionnaire.”

“I thought I was done with school,” Joel teased.

“As long as you're alive, you'll be learning,” said Wade. He stood and motioned to the door. “But I want you to answer the questions in different rooms. Bring me the papers when you're done.”

“This
is
like a test.” Mel chuckled.

“And we'll go over the results next week,” said Wade.

Mel rolled up the paper and swatted Joel's arm with it. “You better not mess up.”

Joel lifted his hands. “Just tell me the answers and I'll be fine.”

Wade shook his head. “No cheating. This is a solo activity.”

The couple left the office, bantering over who would get which room. Wade's heart tightened at the sight. He and Zella had done an activity much like the one he'd just given Mel and Joel. They'd worked through their individual expectations for each other, and he felt sure they'd looked at their pastor with the same love-filled, idyllic expressions.

Renewed guilt seeped through his pores. He wished he'd had the chance to prove his commitment to Zella. It was his fault he'd never had the opportunity.

He thought of the words he'd said to Mel and Joel about God's agape love. God loved them unconditionally. In his mind, Wade knew God loved him the same, and yet he couldn't seem to get past the guilt that he'd caused the accident that had taken such a ministry-filled servant from the world.

It's time to work through your guilt.
His sister's words churned through his brain. But Zella's life had been worth more than two decades. He would never be able to toil hard enough to compensate for her life.

* * *

Kristy hadn't been able to get any information from Mel and Joel when they'd returned from their first counseling session. But then, her daughter had been quite perturbed with any questions Kristy had asked. After all the years of taking care of her one-and-only, Kristy thought Mel would understand she only wanted the best for her daughter. And now there was another life to consider.

She walked toward the Sunday-school room where they'd agreed to have the committee meeting. The heels of her sandals clicked against the linoleum-covered, concrete floors, and a wave of insecurity washed over her. She might have put too much effort into her appearance. She'd enjoyed talking with Wade last night, and though the idea of pursuing a relationship was something she couldn't quite wrap her mind around, she still wanted him to find her attractive.

After opening the door, she saw the rest of the unification committee sitting at a rectangular table. Eustace and Freddy sat beside one another. Freddy shook his head at something Eustace said. Greg and Becca were on the opposite side, chatting. Wade was seated between the two groups. He looked up when she walked in. He smiled, but the expression seemed forced, and she wondered if he'd had a bad meeting with Mel and Joel or if he was worried about the committee.

“We're all here,” said Wade, “so let's get ready to start the meeting.”

“I think we need to start with a word of prayer,” said Becca. She glanced meaningfully at Freddy and Eustace.

“I was just about to suggest that,” said Wade. “Becca, would you like to lead us?”

She pressed her hand against her chest, and Kristy noted her cotton candy—pink manicure with a flower design on her ring finger. Her blond curls bounced as she shook her head. “I'm not comfortable praying in public.”

Wade's expression was kind. “No problem.” He glanced at Kristy. “What about you?”

She wasn't overly comfortable talking with God in front of people, especially a so-obviously divided group, but the spirit nudged her heart, and she nodded and then bowed her head. Her mind whirled with all the division and disappointment she'd felt in the past two weeks. Wanting God to bring contentment and peace to her life and her church, she allowed the Holy Spirit to guide her words. “God, open our hearts to changes we would have never sought out on our own. Give us comfort with what makes us uncomfortable. May we be open…”

As she continued the prayer, God stirred her to accept the death of her dreams for Mel. As she spoke to the Lord, she heard her plans. Not Mel's. Not even God's. She had to bury what she wanted and embrace what was new and uncertain. And scary. She wanted to keep Mel tied up in a big red bow. Go to college. Become a lawyer. Get married. Start a family. No problems. No challenges. No personal choices. No room for hurt or failure.

But hurt and failure initiated growth, and growth meant change. Kristy realized afresh that her love for God had come through hurt, failure, growth and change.

After ending the prayer, she exhaled a long breath and blinked her eyes several times to keep tears from flowing down her cheeks. Wade studied her for several seconds, and she couldn't decipher his expression. Heaviness seemed to weigh in his eyes, and she wondered at the touch of pain she saw in them.

“First, we gotta talk about the music.” Freddy's booming voice snapped her back to reality.

Becca frowned. “What's wrong with the music?”

Eustace leaned forward and tapped the table. “Nothing is wrong with Chad, dear. Your husband is a gifted music minister.” She cleared her throat and pinched her lips together. “But a few of the songs he's trying to get us to learn are just a bit too fast for a morning worship service.”

“I'm not sure God is worried about the speed of the songs.” Greg stopped her. “God is looking at the heart of the worshipper.”

“Of course He is,” said Freddy. “But I have a hard time focusing on worship when people are dancing all over the place.”

Kristy breathed a sigh of relief when Wade raised his hands. “Okay. So it sounds like one of our bigger concerns is the kind of music used during worship services.”

The group nodded.

“Anything else?” asked Wade.

Becca ducked her chin and shrugged. “You preach a little longer than we're used to.” She straightened. “Not that your sermons aren't terrific, but the longer services can be a challenge for the nursery workers.”

“And for some of us with arthritis, who can't sit in those pews too long,” added Freddy.

Kristy bit back a grin as she contemplated how Wade would react to the concern. She loved her church family, but everyone seemed to have his or her own opinion about how things should run, and most didn't seem to have compromise on their minds.

Wade jotted something down on a notepad. “Okay. Some are concerned about the length of the sermon. What else?”

“What about the Bible translation?” asked Eustace.

“I liked it better when we had baptisms at the beginning of the service instead of the end,” added Becca.

“I'd like to see the youth become more actively involved,” said Greg.

Freddy's voice boomed again. “That's something we can agree on, Greg. My grandson might be more willing to come to church if he saw people his own age participating.”

“I bet he'd enjoy more contemporary music, as well,” added Becca.

Kristy's heart twisted as the group continued to argue. This division wasn't good for the church. Everyone was seeking his or her own agenda. She offered a silent prayer for peace and then glanced at Wade. He finished writing on the notepad. Their gazes met, and she offered a slow nod to let him know she'd help him work for unity.

“Okay. I have an idea,” said Wade. He held up his paper. “I've written down everyone's concerns. I'm going to make a copy for each of you. We'll meet again next week at the same time. Until then, I challenge each of you to watch, sing or read the opposite of what you prefer.”

“So since I like to read the English Standard Version of the Bible, this week I'll read the King James?” asked Kristy.

Wade smiled. “Exactly.”

Freddy and Becca frowned.

“I don't know,” said Becca.

“Not sure I'll feel comfortable,” said Freddy.

“We've all been chosen for the committee to bring unity to the church. We have to be willing to compromise.” Kristy looked at Eustace and Greg. “It's just for one week.”

Greg pushed his glasses higher on his nose. “I'm in.”

“I suppose I'm willing to try.” Eustace rubbed her hands together.

“Terrific. Let's close in prayer,” said Wade.

Kristy's mind swirled as she thought of her relationship with Mel. She needed to heed her own advice. She had to talk to her daughter, but more important, she needed to listen. And compromise.

W
ade hooked the leash to Bo's collar. The canine obeyed the command to sit, but he panted and his tail thumped against the dirt. Wade scratched behind the overgrown puppy's ears. “Someone's looking forward to his walk.”

Bo released a quick whine, then barked once. Wade patted the dog's head. “Then, let's not wait any longer.”

After grabbing a water bottle and a few bags to scoop up any of Bo's natural fertilizer, Wade stood and motioned for Bo to do the same. The dog jumped to his feet, and Wade allowed him the required six feet of headway. He wished Bo's excitement over sniffing each rock and creosote bush was contagious. The week had been long and emotionally exhausting. He had a sermon ready for the next morning, but his spirit felt weary.

The Waddell Trail was a mile long. He had 1.6 kilometers each way to allow God to refresh his mind and spirit. Basking in the Lord's creation would help replenish him.

Division. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so restless and discontented.
God, I should be on fire. Ready to share Your good news with my new flock.

His spirit was quiet, and he continued to follow Bo along the trail. Lonely. Another word to describe his heart. For years, he'd contented himself with working hard, heading committees, ministering to communities, leading Bible studies and prayer groups. And now, all of the sudden, he felt lonely. Maybe he'd been that way for years. So busy he was too tired to notice. But now that he'd met Kristy...

He spied a couple approaching ahead of him, holding hands. They looked to be in their midthirties. Smiling. Happy. Once they were close enough, the woman said, “What an adorable dog.”

Reluctantly, Wade stopped. “Thanks.”

He should want to talk to the pair. Live every moment of his life as a witness to God. And yet he just wanted to be alone. To wallow in the self-pity of division and isolation.

“May I pet him?” she asked.

“Sure.” Wade forced a smile. “Bo loves all the attention he can get.”

While the woman gushed over his dog, Wade and her husband talked about the pleasant weather they'd had, and he invited them to church the next morning.

After they parted ways, Wade gazed up at the clear blue sky.
God, if they do come tomorrow, I gotta be ready to preach. Lift this negativity from my heart.

Nothing. He pushed Bo to walk faster, and the canine happily complied. His mind whirled with thoughts of Kristy and how attracted he'd become to her. At first, he'd found her pretty. But after she'd prayed over their meeting, something more had been stirred within him.

Memories of Zella washed over him more often. With them came guilt heavier and stronger than he'd felt two de
cades ago. The meeting with Mel and Joel had only added to his frustration. Their love, immature as it was, yanked at his heartstrings. Longing and loathing warred within him. He wanted that kind of emotion, but he didn't deserve it.

“How you doing, Pastor Wade? And what a fine animal you have there.”

He blinked and turned to the woman he'd nearly barreled right past. “Wilma. I'm sorry. I was in such deep thought I didn't see you.”