Arizona Cowboy (9 page)

Chapter 15

T
he last week had been exceptionally busy, with several cows giving birth. Two of them had to have some help, so Holden had gotten little sleep and even less time to talk to Ava. They’d texted a few times, but she seemed to have had a busy week, as well.

But the week was behind them and at any moment both their families would join him and Dad for a Memorial Day lunch.

“Son, get the hamburgers and hot dogs out of the refrigerator for me,” Jerry called from the back deck. “I’m going to go ahead and get ’em started.”

Holden grabbed the meat and took it out to him, then set the condiments on the counter. The front door opened and Sara, Daryl, Traci and Carl all walked inside together. Daryl set Sara’s homemade coleslaw on the table, and Carl placed a tray of brownies smothered in hot fudge icing beside it.

“Mmm, I smell the grill,” said Traci.

Sara giggled. “I’m surprised Irene’s letting Dad eat red meat.”

“It’s good he’s eating better. His blood pressure’s been down a bit,” responded Holden.

Sara reached up and pinched his cheek. “Don’t go getting all defensive, little brother. I’m glad she’s keeping an eye on him.”

“I just can’t believe he’s listening,” said Traci.

Sara nodded. “My point exactly.”

Holden looked over her head and out the door. He was surprised Ava and Irene hadn’t yet arrived.

Sara punched his stomach, and he let out a grunt. “Don’t worry. Your girlfriend will be here soon enough.”

Holden flicked her arm. “You’re lucky you’re old and married, or I’d throw you on the floor and beat you up.”

Traci snorted. “I’d help her, and the two of us would whip you.”

Ava’s car pulled in the driveway just then and the family got out. His heart pounded at how beautiful and patriotic Ava looked in a blue jean sundress with a red necklace and belt.

She smiled, then averted her gaze as she walked into the house. Probably a bit bashful after the last two kisses they’d shared. If she was half as affected as he’d been, she’d thought of them often the last week.

Dad walked into the great room with a plateful of grilled hamburgers and hot dogs. He lifted his free hand in the air. “All right, we’re all here. I’m ready to eat.”

Irene kissed his cheek, then hustled Mitch and Matt into the kitchen with the dishes she’d brought. The families formed a line and filled their plates. Though hungry, Holden took no more than a spoonful of everything. He had plans to take Ava for a walk after lunch, and he didn’t want to be stuffed and uncomfortable.

Just as they had almost two months ago, the families paired off into couples around the table, leaving Holden between Matt and Ava. This time he didn’t mind sitting beside her.

“I like your dress. You look pretty,” he said.

“Thanks.” She took a small bite of a deviled egg.

Matt leaned forward and pointed in front of Holden. “Did you end up putting paprika on the eggs? You know I hate paprika.”

“No, I didn’t,” Ava snapped.

Holden lifted his brows. They must have been squabbling a bit before coming over. He understood. When the girls were still at home the whole family had ended up in huge battles anytime they went anywhere together.

She was quiet, and Holden decided not to start any conversations until lunch was over and they could spend time alone. Irene looked at them so often he wondered if he had food on his face.

He wiped his mouth with the napkin before taking another bite of his hamburger. Each couple was engrossed in their own conversations. Mitch and Ellie seemed to be getting more serious. They were such an odd pair, but Holden was glad Mitch had such a positive person in his life.

Traci cleared her throat and tapped her glass with a fork. “Dad, I have a present for you.” She elbowed Carl, and he disappeared into the kitchen, then returned with a small wrapped box.

Dad frowned. “A present. Why? It’s not my birthday. I wasn’t in the military.”

Traci grinned. “I know, but when I saw them I just knew you had to have ’em.” She took the box from Carl and gave it to Dad.

Irene pushed his arm. “Well, go ahead and open it. We can’t wait to see.”

Dad unwrapped the present and lifted the lid. He pulled out a pair of earplugs. His lip curled up in a smile. “Thank you.”

Traci clapped her hands, then bent forward, laughing. “Now, read what’s at the bottom of the box.”

Dad scrunched his nose. “What is that?”

Irene peeked inside, then gasped. She covered her mouth with her fingers.

Carl laughed out loud. “Read it, Jerry.”

“It says you’ll need these in November.”

Holden smiled as he realized what Traci and Carl were trying to tell his dad.

Irene pointed inside again. “Jerry, that’s an ultrasound picture of your grandson or granddaughter.”

Dad’s mouth fell open as everyone broke out into cheers. Sara hopped up and wrapped Traci in a big hug, and Holden hugged them both.

Their dad wiped his eyes with a napkin and said, “A grandbaby.” He stood and kissed Traci on the cheek, then patted Carl’s back. “I’m so happy for you both.”

Ava dabbed her own eyes before she congratulated them. Irene gave her a quick hug, then Ava left in the direction of the bathroom.

Holden wasn’t sure if she didn’t feel well or if she was just excited for his sister. He remembered how his sisters used to cry if the other one did. Sara and Traci both wiped their eyes with the back of their hands now, proving his memory true.

When Ava came out of the bathroom, she walked to him and placed her hand on his arm. “Holden, do you mind if we take a walk?”

His heart flipped in his chest. He lifted his index finger. “Just one moment.”

He raced into his bedroom, pulled the black box out of the drawer, then dropped it in his front pocket. Today would be a day he’d never forget.

* * *

Ava tried to keep her emotions at bay as she waited for Holden. What were the chances of Traci and Carl sharing such exciting news today of all days? She was happy for them, or at least she genuinely wanted to be.
God, these are the times when I feel like I’m being punished. I know I was wrong, and I deserve punishment.

Scripture she’d read time and again flowed through her mind.
You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call you.

Holden walked back down the hall and took her hand in his. She held it tightly, needing to memorize the coarseness of his skin and the strength of his grip. In all the commotion, no one noticed they were leaving except Aunt Irene, who nodded and mouthed, “I’m praying.”

Her aunt had comforted her several times in the last week, and in a way, Ava’s wounded spirit had healed more in the last seven days than in the last seven years. But today promised to be one she would never forget.

They walked outside and past the barn. Creosote bushes dotted the dry ground all around them as they headed toward one of the ponds on the ranch.

“I’m sorry we haven’t had a chance to talk this week.” She needed to start with something light to build her courage.

Holden lowered his cowboy hat against the sun. “I can’t remember when I’ve been so busy.” He squeezed her hand. “It was like we had a really great time together and then the ranch went nuts. I bet I was up thirty or more hours straight, helping calves make an entrance into the world.”

“We were busy at the clinic. Got three new patients last week, and I helped Aunt Irene and the decorating committee fix up the sanctuary for church yesterday.”

Holden touched his front pocket, then swiped his hand against his jeans. “Y’all did—” his voice caught, and he cleared his throat “—a good job. I always enjoy the church’s tribute to our veterans for Memorial Day weekend.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever fully be able to comprehend how much I am thankful for our military.” Though she was stalling, Ava meant every word. A sense of pride stirred in her chest each time she saw a man or woman in uniform. She admired their courage, strength, and willingness to put America’s best interests before their own lives.

They reached the pond and Holden stopped walking. He turned toward her and took both her hands in his. She looked past him at the White Tank Mountains rising in the distance. She’d visited their trail many times since moving back to Surprise. God surrounded her with His peace and calm in that place. There, she poured out her heart to Him, and He soaked up her fear and pain and loved her anyway.

Holden rubbed his thumbs against the top of her hands. She gazed into his blue eyes and knew she’d never love another man the way she loved Holden. He’d torn down the walls that had boarded up her heart when she was just a teenage girl, and she’d never been able to fully mend them.

“Ava, I have enjoyed every moment with you the last six weeks.” He kicked his right boot against the left. “You’ve fixed me up, and now I won’t be able to see you at the clinic anymore.”

She bit her bottom lip as the finality of their time together pressed upon her. “I know. I’ll miss you.”

A slow grin curved his lips. “For eight years I have missed you. I didn’t realize just how much until you came back.” His thumbs pressed against her skin with more fervency. Vulnerability filled his gaze, and he swallowed. “I still love you, Ava. I never stopped.”

She wanted to tell him she loved him, too. How her heart soared and broke at the same time, hearing those words from him. Knowing he loved her, but in a matter of moments would loathe her. “Holden, I need to—”

He pulled a black box out of his front shirt pocket and dropped to one knee. Ava gasped and pressed her fingers against her lips. No. He wasn’t doing this.

Holding the closed box in one hand, he gazed up at her. “I bought this ring eight years ago. Sold my old brown work truck to buy it.”

Ava blinked. “What? You did what?”

Holden nodded. “Yes, Ava. I called, and when you wouldn’t answer or respond to my messages, I bought this ring and drove to the college. When you still wouldn’t see me, I debated on trying to get my money back. But I just couldn’t do it.” He opened the box. “I think it’s because one day I’d be giving it to you.”

Ava stared at the large marquise-cut diamond set on a white-gold band. Simple, but absolutely beautiful.

“Will you marry me?”

Reality crashed down on her when she heard those words, then looked into his eyes. Tears welled up and rolled down her cheeks. “Oh, Holden.”

She yanked her hands away from him and rushed back to the house. Despite questions from their families, she grabbed her purse off the counter and raced out the door. Jumping in the car, she started the engine. She had to run.

Chapter 16

S
till kneeling on one knee, Holden dipped his head.
God, what was I thinking? I always move too fast.
He looked up and watched her race in the back door of the house. Glancing up at the sky, he prayed, “God, what do I do?”

The heavens were quiet. The last time he’d chased after her she’d refused to see or speak to him, and eight years had passed. He pounded the ground with his fist. Not this time. He loved her, and he was tired of playing games. When a man knew what he wanted, he went for it. The same held true for a woman, and he knew Ava loved him. She was just too scared and stubborn to admit her feelings.

He marched back to the house and flung open the back door. Scanning the room, he ignored the surprised expressions of their families. “Where is she?” he demanded.

Irene walked from the front foyer, her hand cupped over her mouth. A tear slipped down her cheek. “Don’t be angry. She knows she should have told you. Forgive her.”

Dad stood and wrapped his arm around Irene. “Why are you crying, hon?” His attention turned to Holden. “And why did Ava just go running out that front door, wailing like a scolded toddler?”

“Holden!” Irene’s voice squeaked. “She’s beat herself up for so long.”

Holden touched the woman’s arm and leaned closer to her. “What are you talking about?”

His dad blustered, “I’ve raised you better than to make a girl cry like that. What did you say to Ava?”

“I asked her to marry me.” Holden’s voice boomed through the room. He looked around and saw expressions of pity on everyone’s face. Embarrassment swelled within him, heating his cheeks and igniting his pride.

“She didn’t tell you, did she?” Irene whispered as she shook her head.

Holden smacked his thigh, then raked his fingers through his hair. “Didn’t tell me what? Irene, what are you talking about?”

She took his elbow and led him to the front door. “You have to go.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” He pointed to the floor. “I’m standing right here until you tell me whatever it is that’s eating Ava.”

Her aunt shook her head again and waved her hand. “No. Just go. Right now.”

He spread his fingers. “Go where? Where am I supposed to go?”

Her hands trembled, and Jerry took them in his. “Irene, hon, what is it?”

She snapped her fingers. “My house. She’ll have to go home first. She’s a mess. Won’t be able to go anywhere public.” Irene hugged Holden, then kissed his forehead. “Don’t leave until she tells you.”

He hopped into the truck and took off. Ava had been keeping something from him, but what? She had a boyfriend? She was married? He growled.
She better not be married.
Maybe she’d gotten divorced. What could possibly be so bad she kept running away from him at every turn?
How hard is it to just be honest?

Anger and frustration swirled in his mind and heart. He pounded his fist against the steering wheel. Pity. His family and hers felt sorry for him. Poor Holden, so in love, but not loved back.

And his dad getting mad at him. Acting as if Holden had done something wrong to make Ava and Irene cry. He pounded the steering wheel again.
God, I just love the woman. Want to make her my wife. What’s so mean about that?

He pulled into the driveway behind Ava’s car. Relief that she was there washed over him, then hesitancy. The front door was slightly ajar, so he walked in. “Ava?”

No answer. Sobs sounded from down the hall. He followed the noise, then knocked on the bathroom door. “Ava?”

She gasped, and he heard a thump and a rattling of some kind. “Holden, what are you doing here? How did you get in the house?”

“The door was open.” He swallowed the knot in his throat, feeling suddenly anxious. “We need to talk.”

She sniffed. “Give me a minute.”

Holden stepped back into the living room. Frustrated, he plopped onto the couch and dropped his elbow on the armrest. His arm caught the edge of a Bible and it fell to the floor. With a growl, he bent down. The front cover was open, and he saw his name written on the first page.

“What in the world?” he mumbled as he picked it up. His name was written under the subheading of Deaths. Beside it was a date in April, seven years ago.

“I should have told you.”

Holden looked up. Ava stood a few feet away from him. Her face was red and splotchy, her eyes swollen from crying.

He frowned and pointed to the page. “I don’t understand.”

Ava’s lower lip quivered as she crossed her arms in front of her and rubbed her biceps. “I...” She covered her face with her hands, then brought them down and pressed them against her chest. “We had a baby.”

Holden looked back at the Bible. He thought of that night eight years ago. One night when their emotions had gotten away from them. He’d begged God’s forgiveness, tried to apologize to Ava. He’d loved her and wanted to marry her.

He counted the months from that night to the date in the Bible. Eight months. Babies took nine, right? So the April date didn’t make sense. But this child’s name was written under Deaths. A child whose name was Holden.

Pain gripped his heart with such intensity his stomach churned and bile rose in his throat. He peered back up at Ava and knew the truth. “I had a son.”

* * *

“Yes.”

Ava sat in the chair across from Holden. She couldn’t decipher his expression. Surprise. Hurt. Sadness. Anger. Glimmers of each emotion left their imprint in his eyes. He didn’t move. His fingertip stayed pressed against their son’s name in her Bible.

She rubbed her trembling hands together and took deep breaths, begging God to give her the right words to say.
Just be honest.

Honesty, when it came to Holden, brought fear. When she was with him, she felt too much, loved too deeply. Vulnerability wrapped around her like a blanket riddled with holes and lacking any warmth or comfort. She avoided pain and loss, and love brought the possibility of both.

Still, baby Holden had been his son. He had a right to know the truth. She rubbed her hands against her bare arms. “After that last night together...”

Holden stared at her with such intensity she wanted to crumble. She exhaled and started again. “After that night, I ran home. I was scared.”

She couldn’t share how deeply she’d felt for him, how that night had confirmed how desperately she loved him. So much that she’d given up her values and beliefs. But that wasn’t love; it was infatuation. In her head, she knew that, and she’d run.

“I wanted to go to college. I wasn’t ready to settle down as a wife.”

She remembered how she’d mourned for Holden those first months of school. Determined to make her parents proud, she’d thrown herself into her schoolwork. She’d spent almost entire nights poring over papers and texts. Though she lived in the dorm where many of her peers were partying, she hadn’t made one friend that first year. She barely spoke to her roommate.

Holden still stared at her, unmoving and expressionless. She clasped her hands again. “I didn’t know I was pregnant until January. I’ve never been regular. I knew I’d gained some weight, but I thought that was normal. Freshman fifteen and all.”

She tried to smile, but her lips dropped when she thought of the disbelief she’d felt when she’d purchased the pregnancy test. No one was with her when the test read positive. No one was there to tell her everything would be all right. She’d never before known such complete aloneness and utter despair.

“I didn’t believe the test could be true, so I didn’t go to the doctor. I mean, we were together only one time.” She paused, leaned her head back and blinked several times. “I finally went to the doctor in April. Everything seemed fine, but they scheduled an ultrasound to determine the due date and make sure everything was okay.”

Her hands started to shake again, and she wrapped them around her waist. How she wished Holden would stop staring at her. Looking away, she felt more tears slip down her cheeks. She yanked a tissue from the box on the end table and wiped her eyes. “The ultrasound showed the baby was missing part of his brain. Within a week, I went into labor, and he was...he was dead.”

She jumped from the chair and stared out the window. With the truth revealed, the heaviness in her chest lightened. She turned and looked at Holden, then ached at the weight that now rested on him. Taking her keys off the counter, she said, “May I take you to his grave?”

Holden furrowed his brows into a straight line. “He’s buried here?”

She nodded. Holden followed her to the car. He didn’t speak as she drove, and she was glad for the reprieve. Glad not to have to explain more. She never went to the cemetery. Ever.

Her heart raced as she maneuvered the winding road inside the cemetery. Once parked a few yards from her family’s purchased plots, she gripped the steering wheel and closed her eyes, praying God would give her strength.

Holden had already stepped out of her car and made his way toward her grandparents’ markers. She wondered how he knew exactly where to walk, then remembered he’d gone with her and Aunt Irene to decorate the graves for Memorial Day then the Fourth of July all those years ago.

He stopped, and she knew he stood above their son’s marker. Her legs wouldn’t move, and she feared her heart would pound out of her chest. She never came here. Didn’t want to see the place where her baby was buried.

God, help me.

Holden slumped as he covered his face with his hand. Then he took off his cowboy hat and laid it at the base of the marker. Empathy pushed her to him. She knew the heartache that stabbed deep into the core of his soul. Wrapping her arm around his shoulder, she whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

He shrugged away and turned his face toward her. His eyes glazed with anger and tears. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I should have.”

He punched his finger against his chest. “How could you keep something like this from me?”

New tears streamed down her cheeks. “I don’t know. I was scared.”

He frowned. “Scared of what? Me?”

He stood and walked in a circle, raking his fingers through his hair, then clasping his hands behind his neck. “I didn’t know. I would have done something. I could have helped.”

Ava pressed her palms against her belly. “The doctor said it wasn’t my fault, that there was nothing I could have done to change him.” She shook her head. “But I know I should have gone to the doctor earlier.”

Holden’s face lit with challenge and fury. “Would that have made a difference? Would that have saved our son?”

Ava accepted the anger as added links to the chain of guilt she carried. She deserved the blame. “He said it wouldn’t.” She spread open her arms. “But I don’t know.”

Her gaze fell on the marker. She read the single letter.
H.
She hadn’t had his name etched out because she’d planned to never trouble Holden with the truth. Beside the letter was his date of birth and death. The same day. Falling to her knees, she leaned forward, pressing her fists against the ground and her face against her fists. For the thousandth time, she cried for forgiveness from God, from Holden, from her baby. She sobbed until her chest burned and her sides ached.

When she sat up, Holden was already in the car. They didn’t speak as she drove back to her aunt’s house. When she parked the car, she turned to him. “Holden, I am so sorry.”

He got out, then looked in the open door. “He was my son, too, Ava.”