Aria (24 page)

“Thank you for calling me.” Sam reached out his hand to shake Cam’s.

 

“
You
called him?” Aiden’s eyes were wide.

Cam’s jaw tensed visibly. “I should be going.” He turned to Sam and added, “I’ll check in with you later. See how he’s feeling.” Sam knew it’d be polite to protest and tell Cam to stay, but he didn’t want to be polite. He’d spent his whole fucking life being polite. And he didn’t give a shit if Cam knew he was jealous.

“He called me on your phone.” Sam fought to keep his voice from breaking.
“Cam did?”

Sam nodded but remained silent. He didn’t want to know what Aiden had been doing with Cam. He’d ask later.

A nurse pulled aside the cubicle curtain. “Mr. Lind? Mr. Somers’s car is downstairs.”
“Thank you.”

“David?”

Aiden smiled—Sam thought he looked exhausted—and tapped his head. “Concussion. David’s in town. Said he’d play nursemaid. They wouldn’t have released me otherwise.”

“Oh.”
“If you can stay. I’d much rather have you play nursemaid.” “I’d like that.” As if he’d have said no.

T
HE sun was already setting outside the window of Aiden’s room. Sam felt a surge of guilt at the realization that this was Aiden’s second home, and that he’d never even seen the place until now. The room was lovely, with its antique bed, carved wooden chest of drawers, and the small table at the bedside. The drapes were floral but not overly fussy: the bright botanicals of an English garden with a pale-sage background, tied back to let the light inside. The windows were open, letting in a soft breeze that carried the light fragrance of flowers from the courtyard.

Sam helped Aiden into the bed over Aiden’s weak protests. Sam guessed Aiden liked the attention, in spite of his obvious embarrassment. And no wonder he craved Sam’s touch—they’d been so distant the past few months.

“Pain meds?” Sam asked.

 

“Yes, please.” Aiden yawned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Headache’s pretty bad, and the room keeps spinning.”

A few minutes later, having downed two of the pills with some water, Aiden was propped up on the pillows and smiling at Sam, who was seated on the side of the bed. “I’m really glad you came.”

Sam’s gut clenched at the implication he heard in Aiden’s words: that he might have chosen
not
to come. Had things between them gotten so bad that there was a question?

Yes.
It pained him to admit it to himself.
“Listen, Sam,” Aiden began, “I’m sorry.”
“For what? This wasn’t your fault.” He knew exactly what Aiden

meant, though.
“Not for the accident. That… that was just stupid. I was
distracted. I meant that I’m sorry. About not coming home.” “You were working. I didn’t expect—”
“I didn’t come home, Sam. I didn’t want to.”
Oh, fuck.
It wasn’t a surprise, but he hadn’t wanted to hear the
truth, either. He’d known Aiden had been staying away, but he’d done
nothing. He’d let Aiden go.
Sam took a deep breath. “I know.”
For a minute or two, neither of them spoke. Amazing how long a
few minutes could feel when the weight of the world hung on them. When they spoke again, it was both at once. They laughed—
uncomfortable, nervous laughs—and then Aiden said, “I missed you.” Sam was sure Aiden could hear the breath he released from
between his lips. “I missed you too.”
“I know I fucked up.” Aiden spoke in an undertone.
“You? No.
I
was the one who fucked up. I let you go.” “I lied when I said I didn’t have time to fly home. I’m sorry.”
Aiden yawned. In the dying light, the dark circles under his eyes
seemed more pronounced.
“No apologies. We said no more apologies, remember?” The edges of Aiden’s mouth turned faintly upward. “Yeah. I
remember.” He laughed. “We do a shitty job at that, you know.” Sam got up and walked over to the window. There wasn’t much
to see: other rooftops, some old tile roofs, others newer. “I don’t want
to lose you, Aiden.
“I had some time to think,” Sam continued. “On the plane. Not
like I was going to sleep, worrying about you. What might have
happened to you….” He took a deep breath. A couple of pigeons flew
off a roof and into the darkening sky. The clouds were a thick, nearly
solid gray, covering any stars.
“It was like I was back there again… in New York. And I wasn’t
sure if Nick would live. I kept hoping, but something inside of me
knew. It was happening all over again.” Sam’s eyes filled with tears.
“There was nothing I could do. Nothing. Just wait and not know. “I realized how I’d gone and fucked it all up with you. Treating
you like you were second best. Like Nicky was still there, in my heart.
Doing things like he and I used to do things. Expecting you to
be
like
him.” Tears coursed down his cheeks. He didn’t want to look at Aiden
as he spoke the words—he didn’t want Aiden to see him this
vulnerable—so he kept staring out the window.
“But… on the plane… I realized I didn’t want him. Not that I
didn’t love him—I don’t mean it like that, because God, I loved him—
but that I wanted
you.
That if anything happened to you, I didn’t think I
could survive it.”
Sam wiped his eyes with his hands. “I was so afraid to lose you
like I lost him that I pushed you away. I didn’t understand I was doing
that, all these months. I wish I could take it all back… show you how much I love you… how much you mean to me.” He inhaled slowly and
said, “I love you so much, Aiden.”
He’d expected to see forgiveness on Aiden’s face, but when he
turned around, he realized Aiden was sound asleep. How long had he
been sleeping?
It doesn’t matter. You’ll tell him again when he’s feeling better.
Aiden would understand too. Sam was sure of it. He’d probably always
understood; he hadn’t wanted to burden Sam with it.
Sam settled into the large chair by the bed and rested his head
against the high upholstered back. For more than an hour, he watched
the steady rise and fall of Aiden’s chest as he slept. It was nearly
sunrise when he heard Aiden’s voice from the bed.
“I don’t want to sleep alone. Come lie down next to me?” Sam nodded and, bleary-eyed, slipped between the sheets with
Aiden after making sure that Aiden’s broken arm was supported by one
of the pillows. It only took a few minutes this time for both of them to
fall asleep.

Chapter 34

 

“
H
EY.” Sam walked out into the small garden behind the flat. There was a tiny fountain in the middle—a lovely modern design with colored stones and mirrors that reflected the little rays of sunshine that managed to peer through the usual clouds. “How are you feeling?”

“Sore.” Aiden forced a smile. Every muscle in his body ached. Even smiling hurt. “But I’m fine.” His head still pounded, and the dizziness lingered. The doctor had told him it might be like that for a while, with the concussion.

Sam motioned to the bench. “Mind if I join you?”

 

“You don’t have to ask, Sam.” Aiden was painfully aware of

Sam’s discomfort.
I’m the reason for it
. He repressed a sigh. “Look, Aiden, I—”
The glass doors to the garden opened. “Cam.”
“I’ll come back later.” Sam got up abruptly.
“Sam—” Aiden tried to follow, but the world spun and Cam

rushed over to steady him. Sam was gone.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to chase him off.” Aiden shot him a
look of keen irritation, although Cam’s regret appeared genuine.
“Should I go after him?”
“Why are you here, Cam?” Aiden didn’t even look at Cam. He
was staring at the doors Sam had just walked out. He didn’t care that he
was being rude.
“I came to see how you were.”
“I’m fine. Now please leave.”
I don’t need you here to make
things any worse.

“Not until I tell you what I found out.” When Aiden responded with a frown, Cam added, “About the contracts. You know. I—”
“Later, Cam,” Aiden said as he opened the doors that led back inside. He needed to find Sam. He needed to talk to him, and something told him he’d better do it now.

“
W
HAT are you doing?” Aiden steadied himself against the doorway of his room. Sam was packing his bag. The cold feeling in the pit of Aiden’s stomach became one of panic and nausea, and he was pretty sure it had nothing to do with getting hit by a car. This was far worse.

“I should go,” Sam said without looking up from his suitcase. “I’m only in the way here, and Cam—”
“What the hell are you talking about? You just got here, Sammy.”
“It was a mistake. I should have realized—”
Aiden gritted his teeth and grabbed Sam by the arm. “Look at me,” he demanded. “Will you look at me for a minute?”
Sam turned and met Aiden’s gaze. Sam looked hurt, as if he were steeling himself for the inevitable. “Aiden, you look terrible. We can talk about this la—”
“Stop, Sam. Stop and listen to me.” Aiden hadn’t meant to raise his voice, but the feeling of helpless dread had only intensified when he saw Sam so rattled.
Sam nodded, then helped him sit down on the edge of the bed. He looked perfectly miserable.
“Please, Sam. I need to say this.”
Sam sat down next to him on the bed. His shoulders were visibly tense.
He thinks I’m going to tell him it’s over.
Aiden knew he needed to say something and that he’d better make it good. “I don’t want you to leave.” Could he make it any clearer? Shit. He was so bad at this! Give him a fucking aria and he was the king. Ask him to talk to someone—really
talk
to someone—and he became Little Aiden Lind. Insecure, awkward, unable to string two words together to make a sentence.
I love you, Sam. Don’t leave me.
“But I thought—”
“What are you afraid of, Sam?”
Did I just say that?
Aiden cringed inwardly. Sam looked so lost, so pathetic, so… defeated.
Sam blinked in surprise, and Aiden saw something like guilt on his face.
Hell, this isn’t what I wanted to do. I wanted to make it better, not worse!
“I….” Sam’s voice sounded rough with emotion. “You’re right. I’m an asshole.”
“No.” Aiden put his fingers to Sam’s lips. “No, you’re not. It’s what you said last night. You’re afraid of losing me like you lost him… like you lost Nick.” There. He’d said it.
“You… you heard me?”
“Some of it. When I woke up this morning, I wondered if I imagined it. But you
did
say it, didn’t you?”
“I did.” Sam inhaled audibly.
“I don’t want you to go. Talk to me, Sammy. Please.”
“I didn’t want to bother you with it. It was so long ago, and I didn’t think it mattered anymore.” Sam rubbed his face with a large hand.
“It matters to me. I need to know. I need to hear what happened with Nick. Whatever I think about what happened, it must be a hundred times worse, and I want to understand. I love you, Sammy. I won’t lose you to his ghost.”
Sam’s eyes were wet with tears. Aiden felt like the biggest dick. Why the fuck did he have to go and say that? “Shit. I’m so sorry.” His voice came out in a hoarse whisper. “I didn’t mean—”
“No. It’s okay. I said it myself last night.” Sam got up from the bed and went over to the mirror. For a moment he seemed to stare at himself, although Aiden wondered what he saw there. “Last night, I said I’d been treating you like you were second best. And it’s true.” He turned and faced Aiden. “I wanted you to
be
him.”
Aiden tried not to react to the sting of Sam’s words, putting on his best acting face as if he were donning armor for some battle. He forced himself to smile like he meant it. “It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not,” Sam said. “I tried to pretend that it was all right, doing things the way I’d always done them with him. ‘House rules’, I said. I cleaned up after you like I used to clean up after him. He was such a slob. But you’re not like that, and I knew it, but I couldn’t help myself.” Sam’s laugh was bitter. “Maybe I was scared of change. Maybe I was scared that if I let you in, I’d forget about him, and I didn’t want to forget him.”
“I’d never want you to. I mean it.”
“I know. Shit, do you know how many times I told myself that?” Sam ran a hand through his hair. His face was tear-streaked. Aiden fought the urge to comfort him—but he knew Sam needed to say this.
“On the plane, I thought….” Aiden could see him steeling himself. He saw the pain in Sam’s eyes, raw and pulsating there. “I thought I’d lose you like I lost him. It was the worst thing…. Even now, it hurts so much. Remembering him like that.”
This time Aiden held his good arm out to Sam, but Sam hesitated. “Please. Let me help. I love you, Sam.”
Sam drew a ragged breath and sat down beside Aiden.
Aiden drew Sam close and felt him shudder at the memory. “Tell me about Nick. About what happened to him. If it’s okay, I mean.”
“Are you sure?” There was a surprising note of relief in Sam’s voice.
“Yes. I’m sure.” He reached out and put his hand on Sam’s thigh.
Sam took a deep breath and nodded as if steeling himself. “You already know the basics.” He turned to look directly at Aiden. Aiden squeezed his thigh and smiled back at him. “We’d been together since we met in undergrad. We bought a place together—a loft in Brooklyn.” Sam put his hand over Aiden’s. “He was selling his work, getting the recognition he deserved. I was looking at a job working for a small employment law firm on the lower east side. Plaintiff’s firm. It would have been a pretty big pay cut, but we’d worked it out. It’d mean a few years of vacations close to home, that sort of thing. I’d planned on resigning from the law firm the next week….
“I got the phone call on a Friday morning. They’d taken him to the hospital. The woman at the gallery said he’d been complaining his head hurt. And then he just collapsed.
“They said there was nothing they could do for him, that the bleeding in his brain was too bad. They couldn’t operate.” Aiden could tell Sam was fighting back tears. “He lingered. They told me he wouldn’t wake up from the coma…. I remember thinking that it wasn’t fair that he could live like that. He wouldn’t have wanted that. Nicky was so full of life….”
Sam popped up off the bed and strode to the window. “I
wanted
him to die, Aiden. God! It was horrible. And when they told me that I could end it, that he wouldn’t live without the ventilator…. I knew it’s what he would have wanted. Hell, I knew it before they even told me there was nothing they could do for him. But I waited. I kept thinking—hoping—that he’d wake up. I knew it’s what his family wanted even though they kept telling me what I wanted to hear… that he might wake up and be fine. He was their
son
, and I was the one who could end it for him. Put him out of his pain and suffering. Let him go.”
Aiden stood up and walked over to Sam, put his good arm around Sam’s waist, and pressed his face to Sam’s back.
“Shit, Aiden. I felt so selfish—wanting him to die so I wouldn’t have to make the choice. Knowing it was the right thing to do for him….”
For nearly a minute, Sam said nothing. Aiden wasn’t sure what to say, so he held Sam tighter and waited. Finally, Sam laughed. “Nicky always told me I took forever to make decisions. He was right. But I knew that this was for him and that he’d trusted me to do the right thing.
“So one day, after they’d all said their good-byes, the doctor turned off the machines. I sat there holding his hand. Knowing I’d just let the only man I’d ever loved die….”
Aiden closed his eyes as hot tears ran down his cheeks.
“I told myself I couldn’t do that again.” Sam pulled away and met Aiden’s gaze. Then he laughed again, a bitter, self-loathing laugh that made Aiden’s gut clench. “So here I am, like an idiot, running away from you. As if that’s any better.”
“I’m not going anywhere. Not if I can help it. And Cam… he and I’ve been over for a long time.”
Sam shook his head and smiled. “I know that. I’ve known it from the very start.”
“Then why were you packing your bag? Leaving? I thought maybe you thought—”
“God. You’re going to laugh at me. It’s so juvenile.”
“What? What’s so funny?”
“I wanted you to come after me.”
“Seriously?”
Sam nodded, looking shamefaced. “I know. It’s about the stupidest—”
Aiden kissed him.
“Why did you do that?” Sam asked a moment later.
“Because I love you, Sammy. And yeah, it’s stupid. But it makes me feel good to know you wanted me to come after you. Maybe that makes us
both
stupid.”
Sam laughed, and this time, for the first time that day, it was the laugh Aiden remembered he loved so much. “I don’t get you sometimes. But I guess that’s okay.”