Argh Fuck Kill: The Story of the DayGlo Abortions (24 page)

The DayGlos, for their part, were happy to put the matter behind them, and Cretin once again turned his attention to writing songs for the new album. This time, rather than relying on second-hand road stories for inspiration the singer had plenty of fuel for his own. If there was one upside to the obscenity charges, it was that they had given the songwriter a target on which to focus. It made Cretin’s blood boil to think about the pious hypocrites who made his life so difficult. Where did they get off telling him what he could or couldn’t say? Where was the freedom to express oneself, free of religious fanatics or concerned citizens? Down in the basement, with a big bag of weed and a box of beer, the remainder of the songs that would form
Two Dogs Fucking
soon emerged. He would have the last word, and those words would be harsh.

With the legal victory fresh in his mind, and with great vindictiveness, The Cretin penned the scathing “Two Dogs Fucking,” in which a passing dog-like alien destroys the world after being interrupted in the sex act with an Earth canine. While it was perhaps a trifle dramatic to suggest that prudish behaviour could result in global destruction, Cretin was not about to let the matter rest without a parting shot. He even referred to Jim Fitzgibbons, the officer who started the whole mess, by name. Though Fringe Product put on a bold show of defiance by releasing
Two Dogs Fucking,
they secretly worried that another shitstorm would soon blow their way. Would there be more court challenges every time an artist released a record that someone found offensive? Even if they weren’t found guilty, the legal fees alone were enough to bankrupt most independent record companies. The very real fear still remained: just how far were the moral minority prepared to go?

Other songs were even more obscene than “Two Dogs Fucking,” and some, such as “Punker Bitches” were so misogynistic it was clear that The Cretin’s only goal was to offend. With lyrics like those, it was almost as if the band were daring the police again. Indeed, Fringe Product was taking a big chance by including a lyric sheet with the LP. Only a blind man could fail to notice these filthy words:

Their lips were made to suck on dicks

Punker bitches have great big tits

Hairy asses all covered in zits

Punker bitches have lots of holes.

One might also conclude that Cretin simply has a crude sense of humour, and was writing for those who share his twisted views. Both male and female fans would either love or hate his songs, depending on what they considered to be funny, and anyone who took them at face value was obviously going to have problems. With such manipulative music, nothing was an accident, and the contentious lyrics forced listeners to take sides whether they wanted to or not. Although those values were much different from those of most artists, the DayGlo Abortions had a reputation to uphold and standards to follow. Perhaps only GG Allin would have truly understood where the band was coming from. GG, who was in prison on felony assault charges when
Two Dogs Fucking
was recorded, might have written “Punker Bitches” himself.

There were other offensive songs on the album, such as “Come Sit On My Face and Bleed,” which is every bit as coarse as the title suggests. Actually, GG Allin might have even preferred this number to the others, speaking as it does about sexual perversion. Clues in the song hint that Cretin didn’t seem to take himself or the subject very seriously. Or perhaps he just wanted to spell it out for fans who weren’t too quick on the uptake.

I am no intelligence

Just stupidity.

That’s why these lyrics

Were written by me.

Clearly, Cretin could not pursue such a subject without leaving himself an exit. By referring to his own lyrics as stupid, he disowns responsibility for them, and listeners must decide for themselves whether or not the song should be taken seriously. Nepean police officers are on one side of the fence, and politically-incorrect punk rockers the other. Cretin and the DayGlo Abortions could gleefully imagine the howls of indignation from the usual suspects. Even the press could usually be counted on to side with the legions of religious fanatics and over-zealous parents. Soon the feeding frenzy would begin anew.

The album also includes such typical DayGlo fare as “Ben Gets Off,” which is a personal attack on Fringe Products’ Ben Hoffman, and a nasty ode to failed relationships entitled “I Do the Best That I Can.” On “Isn’t That Disgusting,” Cretin slaps down the absurdity of censorship. The scatological references and cock jokes fall away as the singer takes aim at the authorities who dared to challenge him in a court of law. For once, the chief DayGlo is deadly serious:

All I wanna know is when are you gonna

open up your eyes and take a look around and realize

that it’s your greed and your materialism that’s destroying

this planet. So why don’t you shut the fuck up about

censorship because it’s you I’m singing about, asshole.

Cretin was finished writing the songs. The next step was for the DayGlos to rehearse the material in preparation for the studio. Down to the basement they went and, despite the usual intake of liquor and drugs, the boys were all business. Cretin’s guitar playing had progressed to the point where Mike Anus had to work hard to keep up. The two guitarists spent much time together, not only practicing but also drinking and drugging as well. Late at night, they tackled the songs one after the other. The pair got along famously, and Mike pushed himself to master the complex leads and tight arrangements—or at least when they weren’t both wasted. With drugs and booze, there is often a highly creative period before the inevitable spiral downwards, and it was at this dizzying apex that the guitar players now found themselves. Nev and the other bandmembers didn’t have to work quite as hard because Cretin and Mike assumed the more difficult parts. All the guys had to do was keep up, and they did so with verve and aplomb.
Two Dogs Fucking
was shaping up to be a major kick in the posterior. Unfortunately, for the first time on any DayGlos recording, the finished product would not live up to their expectations.

As it turned out, Legacy Studios refused to book studio time for the band on advice from a lawyer, who warned that they might be liable for criminal charges under the confusingly-worded Criminal Code. The DayGlos also had problems with local venues, and at least one club refused to let them play even though they had a verbal agreement. Another venue refused to advertise the band’s name. Pinched on both sides, the group was having problems earning money. Punk rock and a hard place.

Bonehead was familiar with running the day-to-day affairs of the band, and no one challenged him when he took it upon himself to find a new studio. In fact, the other bandmembers were happy that the drummer had stepped up to the plate. Why go to all that trouble when good ol’ Bonehead would make the necessary preparations? Besides, what could possibly go wrong? Hadn’t things always worked out in the past? The musicians couldn’t understand why many artists struggled so hard in the studio. As far as they could tell, there was nothing particularly difficult about making an album. One just needed good songs, good weed, and the willingness to stay relatively sober during the process. Any band with decent chops could do it.

The DayGlos, as usual, were on a limited budget and didn’t have a lot of money to throw around. A show in Seattle with The Gits raised a few bucks but not enough to give the cash-strapped DayGlos any breathing room. Bonehead looked around Victoria, becoming increasingly desperate, until at last he gave up and searched elsewhere for an affordable studio. Most facilities were out of their price range, but he finally booked time at Profile Studios in Vancouver. After a short but heated argument with Ben Hoffman about money, Bonehead hired Nomeansno drummer and accomplished musician John Wright to produce the album. Cretin isn’t sure why Bonehead wanted to use the Nomeansno percussionist, but assumes it was because Bonehead hoped that John would give him a good drum sound. Whatever the case, the die was cast, and there was nothing the band could do but move forward. They still had no inkling that anything could go wrong. Everything, in fact, looked pretty good. The DayGlo Abortions were ready.

In the spring of 1991, the band borrowed a van from a friend and migrated to Vancouver for the duration of the recording. Since Fringe did not supply money for accommodations, the boys were forced to stay with Robin Sharpe, who did not have a great deal of room. They also took turns sleeping in the van, and in this respect, the trip to Vancouver was much like being on tour. Waking in the morning, the band generally had breakfast at a greasy spoon before heading off for a hard day’s work at the studio. They had a job to do and not much time or money to do it.

Technically speaking, the gear at Profile Studios was as good as anything the DayGlos had used before. Profile, which boasted the latest in state-of-the-art equipment, featured a 24-track two-inch analog tape deck. Not only that, but John Wright appeared to know his way around in the studio, and his presence was generally seen as a boon. If Pointed Sticks singer Nick Jones could do a good job of producing an LP, then surely the drummer for a successful group such as Nomeansno could do just as well. At least that was the mindset.

Mike and Cretin worked hard in the studio, staying late after everyone else had gone home. Overdub after overdub went into the mix, giving the pair an appreciation for Steve Jones’s extensive overdubs on
Never Mind the Bollocks.
Building that “wall of guitar” sound was a difficult job that required much patience. While they were at it, Cretin says that he and Mike overdubbed many of Spud’s bass parts with their own tracks. “Spud was notoriously sloppy; he practiced drunk,” chuckles Cretin, “and when he was sober, he played like he was drunk.” The uncharitable bandleader goes on to say that since Spud refused to overdub any of his bass tracks, he and Mike simply replaced them. The two cronies worked hard each night, not only sabotaging poor Spud, but carefully adding layer upon layer of guitars as well. This album was going to be a masterpiece.

As Bonehead had hoped, John Wright worked closely with him to develop a heavy drum sound. Everything appeared to be going well and, as usual, the recording was completed within two weeks. “Working with John was okay in some ways, but frustrating in others,” says Cretin without elaborating further. The DayGlo Abortions, who couldn’t afford to stay in Vancouver, returned to Victoria before the mixing was finished. There was no reason to suspect that anything could go wrong, and every reason to believe that it would work out just fine. This called for a celebration.

Back in Victoria a month later, the bandmembers were less than impressed when they heard the final mix. The songs themselves were solid as ever, but the overall sound was thin, giving the album a decidedly low-budget feel, which obviously wasn’t what they were going for. Where were the guitars that Cretin and Mike so carefully added? The record didn’t have enough power.

Since it was too late to do anything about it, and the tapes were already mastered, the boys tried to convince themselves that the album wasn’t so bad. The songs were good, weren’t they? “I get bummed whenever I hear that LP.
Two Dogs
was fuckin’ supremely heavy, and I’m very disappointed with it,” says Cretin, still upset after all these years. John Wright, who was a drummer not a producer, was not entirely to blame, since Cretin and Anus also helped mix. Still, the DayGlos had learned a lesson about recording, namely that an album is only as good as its producer, and with only $6000 in the entire budget, it wasn’t as if the band could have hired someone who knew what he was doing—anyone other than Tony Moskal that is. Given the small amount of money spent on any DayGlos recording, it was a wonder that any of the records sounded as good as they did. So far, the boys had been very lucky in the studio, but now that luck seemed to have run out. There was nothing they could do.

Even so, the album wasn’t a total write-off, not with the material being as strong as it was. In fact,
Two Dogs Fucking
was at least as gross as any previous DayGlos release. It was almost as if the band and the record label wanted to see how far they could go without inviting new criminal charges. The songs and the cover art deliberately pushed the boundaries of decency and taste as far as such intangible things could be pushed. Were they willfully daring the law to throw down on them? Anyone listening to the new album, or looking at the cover, would certainly think so. The brass at Fringe Products either had balls of steel or they were certifiably insane—the jury was out.

Although the band was unhappy with the yet-to-be released album, they kept their negativity to themselves. After all, the boys were still proud of the musicianship on the album—even Spud, who was unaware that he’d been cut from the mix. Indeed, if it weren’t for a drunken slip in a bar years later, Spud might have gone to his grave without learning that Mike and Cretin had removed his tracks. On the night in question, Spud was describing in graphic detail the sex acts he’d performed on an ex-girlfriend of Mike’s, becoming lewder and more obscene by the moment. Finally, Mike could take no more abuse and blurted, “Oh yeah? Well, me and Murray replaced all your bass tracks on
Two Dogs Fucking
!” Mike retaliated with the heaviest guns in his arsenal, and to hell with Spud’s ego.