And It All Comes Down To You (4 page)

Logan placed his phone on the bedside table and turned his head towards me. “Are you okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Just thinking.”

I reached over for my cup of tea, made in one of those tiny cups you get in B&Bs that, in spite of their smallness, still don’t have enough milk to make the tea taste good. But it was hot which was the main thing.

“Do you wish we’d gone home?” Logan asked.

“No, not at all. I was just thinking that even though we’re not doing what we planned, at least we’re still… away.”

Blowing rising swirls of steam from my tea, I realised how depressing my words sounded. I hadn’t meant them to be, though I couldn’t deny there was some truth to them.

“What’s wrong with being at home?”

I smiled. “Nothing. Sorry, I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. It’s just good to be doing something a little different. Work and drinks in the pub on Friday nights don’t bring much excitement.”

“I know what you mean. I’m lucky that I get to go away for work sometimes, but that’s work. Going away for fun is much better. I should do it more often, really.”

“Well, if you ever need some company on a weekend away…” I trailed off, not wanting to push my luck. “Assuming we make it through this one, of course.”

Logan grinned. “So far, so good. For real though,” he added. “Are you sure everything’s okay?”

His concern warmed me more than the hot drink in my hand. It shone in his eyes; they narrowed ever so slightly, and the brown seemed to grow a little darker as he watched me. This was something new. Part of not really knowing him. Part of what I’d hoped to learn. I understood that he considered us friends – but what kind? The kind who knew each other in passing? We’d taken a leap that day – a massive one. But I never knew if he’d be there for me if I needed him. If something went horribly wrong in my life, could I pick up the phone and trust that he’d listen? Trust that he’d care and be there for me? I got my answer and then some. He’d picked up on something I hadn’t tried to show. It felt like a big deal.

“Yeah,” I told him. “I think so. It’s just sometimes hard not to get a bit disheartened with day to day life. You know, work, eat, sleep. Then the weekends, with hardly anywhere to go, and friends who are in couples and only want to hang out with other couples.”

An almost blinding flash of lightning illuminated the room and I jumped, my hands instinctively holding my robe in place, making Logan laugh. “I know what you mean. Kind of. I have the opposite problem. My mates always want to go out on the pull, and their only mission is to take home some random girl. I’m not really into that.”

“Not really into going out on the pull, or not really into girls?”

I was mostly messing around. I knew he wasn’t gay; he’d had a lot of girlfriends since I’d known him. But hearing him say he wasn’t into picking up women on nights out surprised me a little. Aren’t most guys our age into that? I’d never seen any evidence that he was, I just figured he wasn’t the kind to tell everyone about his conquests.

Again, I was hit by how little I knew him in some ways. He was like a jigsaw puzzle I had to piece together. The outline was in place, but the bits in the middle were incomplete. The image had begun to take shape, but there were vital pieces I hadn’t found yet.

“I’m not into one nighters. It’s not me. Girls get attached quickly, and I don’t want to be a douche who upsets women for the sake of getting laid.”

I wonder what that means for me – the girl who’s already attached. No sex involved.

“I’m not into that either,” I said. “One nighters have never been my thing.”

Logan reached over for his own drink, wrapping both hands around it to absorb the warmth. “So what is your thing?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”
Developing feelings for hot guys I have no chance with?
“Often I feel like I won’t figure it out unless I break out of my comfort zone, but I don’t know how to do that. What does that even mean? Should I suddenly start going out and humping men I meet in bars? Get a new hairstyle? New clothes?” I shrugged again as I trailed off, my cheeks warming as I realised how much I’d given away about myself. The truth was, I was happy with my life most of the time, but when I’d thought about where I’d got to, reality slipped out of my mouth at the reminder of how lost I felt sometimes. It’s strange – people spend their whole childhood wishing to be an adult, but when they get there, it’s not quite what they expected.

“I hear you.” Logan released his cup with one hand and reached over to me, his fingers lightly brushing over mine before he gently squeezed my hand. “We’re probably a bit too young to worry so much, but the future is scary. I know people in their mid-thirties who are still trying to figure out who they are and what they want.”

With his fingers still closed around mine, what I wanted had never been clearer. I wanted
this
. I wanted lying beside each other on a bed, talking, listening, understanding. I wanted his hand in mine. To be closer, to touch, to kiss. To have him look at me the way I was sure I looked at him when I allowed myself to forget to be so scared.

He’d reached for me. He’d never done that before.

It’s nothing. He’s being kind, nothing more.

Present

I sigh, remembering that moment in the bedroom when I felt so at ease, yet so anxious about whether Logan felt the way I did. I’ve gotten lost in the memory. Lying beside him on the bed has become my “happy place” – the place my mind drifts to when day to day stuff gets too much, or too boring.

Or whenever I have five minutes to myself.

“Isn’t it weird how you’ve known each other all this time, and this was the first time you talked about anything non-superficial?” Lydia tilts her head to one side.

“I think the lack of things to do and the dark, gloomy atmosphere had something to do with it.”

She’s right, though. Logan and I had never really dipped into the serious side of life in our conversations before. Mostly, we’d kept things light. Maybe because we’d never spent long enough together to discuss the downsides of adult life.

“That’s what you wanted though, right?” Lydia asks. “To get to know him and find out if you have anything in common?”

“Yes, but… it’s not like I didn’t already know we have some things in common. I couldn’t have liked him for so long based on only physical attraction. It’s the little things I wanted to learn. If he has any annoying habits, or if, when we we’d both let our guards down, he’d be different. You know? To find out if he’s secretly an asshole who hides behind good looks and banter.”

“And what did you find out?”

I smile. “He’s everything I thought he was. Kind, funny, considerate. Hot as fuck.”

Lydia rolls her eyes, but lets out a laugh. “You’ve got it worse than ever. I thought your crush on him couldn’t get any stronger, but look at you! Your eyes are all distant and dreamy. You used to look at pictures of JLS with that expression.”

The reminder of my former boy band obsession makes me chuckle. Honestly, how I’d felt for Logan really wasn’t that dissimilar to how I’d felt about JLS. My feelings for him always seemed as unreachable, as impossible. Like I’d been staring at him through a TV screen, unable to get through the barrier. Knowing there were so many other girls who wanted him. Knowing I was just a face in the crowd.

But sometimes, dreams turn into reality. Sometimes that face in the crowd,
your
face, is the one he sees. The one he chooses, however unrealistic it seems.

“The weirdest part for me is how it felt okay to be with him in that room, virtually nude,” I say, and I laugh again as I think about it. “I mean, I’d have felt weird if I’d been there with
you
, who I’ve known my whole life.”

“Yeah, but you don’t
want
to see me with my kit off. With Logan…”

“That’s not even the point. It’s about a level of trust. I should trust you more than him since I’ve known you longer. It seems to me I should have been less concerned about accidentally flashing my vajayjay at you than him. Not that I was planning to flash at him, and I probably would have died of shame if that had happened but, I just felt at ease with him.”

She nods. “That’s a good sign. But you still haven’t told me if you bought budget knickers!”

“I’m getting to it!” I take a sip of my drink, then lick my lips to draw the moment out, as if I was about to reveal something of enormous importance rather than where we got our clothes from. “Yes. I bought budget knickers. And socks. And jeans and t-shirts. Don’t let anyone tell you you can’t spend a fortune in that shop. I nearly died when we reached the checkout!”

Lydia threw her head back. “Ha! And there you were trying to prove to Logan you’re not a chav!”

“I know. Didn’t go so well. But the point was, we got clean, dry clothes to wear.”

“So… did he see your underwear?” She winked, smirking.

“Sure he did. He was behind me in the queue to pay.”

“You know that’s not what I meant!”

I wink back at her.

The Relaxation Stage aka Can I Lay By Your Side?

The seriousness of our earlier conversation soon passed when we’d got our clothes back, all warm, dry and clean. It was a relief in a way, to stop myself doing the things I’d promised not to do: second guessing his every word and move, and wondering “what if?” The storm was still raging outside, although the rain had eased up slightly. After an appallingly long wait, we managed to find a taxi to get us to the city’s shopping mall so we could buy the things we needed. There’s a lot of fun to be had in the aisles of clothes shops, including an impromptu game of hide ‘n’ seek, much to the irritation of the already busy salespeople.

I never said I was mature.

“Logan, where are you?”

I spun around in a circle, surrounded by racks of coats. A second ago he’d been beside me, pretending to help me choose a jacket to buy. I say “pretending” because he had that bored expression all guys have when women drag them shopping. But he tried. Briefly.

“If I tell you, that’ll ruin the game!”

He is loathsome.

Part of me – the grown-up part – wanted to tell him to stop dicking around so we could pay, but the rest of me was giddy with glee at being so openly ridiculous in public with him. It was like the most childish form of foreplay. At least, that’s what it was in my head.

“Logan, seriously,” I moaned, but it came out as more of a laugh.

I took a few steps forward, peering over the clothing rails.

“Nope. You’re getting colder.”

His voice was fairly loud. How cold could I be?

Turning, I walked back in the other direction, pacing towards the end of the aisle.

“Ooh, that’s it, right there.”

This time there was no disguising my laughter. “You sound like you’re starring in a porno.”

“Nah, they’re much kinkier than that. Keep walking. You’re really close.”

I covered my mouth with my hand, trying to contain my laughter and keep my butterflies in check. With him speaking that way, I was about ready to pounce on him, and I bit my lip, reminding myself to stay calm and not get carried away with these little flirtations.

Oh, fuck off.
I told my inner demon.
Just chill and enjoy it!

My feet steered me to the left, and Logan jumped out from behind yet another clothes rack, arms raised and his hands forming claws, causing me to stumble backwards with a scream that made several other shoppers jump and glare at me.

I would have felt bad if I hadn’t been laughing so much at the expression of delight on Logan’s face from scaring me. His eyes and smile were wider than I’d ever seen them, and I wiped away tears of laughter, even though my heart was banging from the fright he’d given me. 

“We need to get out of here before we get thrown out,” I said. “And FYI, I may need to buy a few extra pairs of knickers now!”

“So does that lady over there.” Logan nodded in the direction of a woman who was still glaring at us, her hand over her chest as if we’d nearly caused her to have a heart attack.

I mouthed “sorry” to her, trying to at least appear apologetic.

Logan and I had tapped into each other’s inner child, and it made all the drama of our earlier rain-soaked run melt away. As we laughed like idiots on our way to pay for our things, Logan reached for my hand again, pulling me along. It was all part of the silliness, of course, but his touch shot tingles up my arm to my chest, where the tingles settled around my heart, nestling there and filling me with warmth.

Isn’t that what everyone wants in a relationship? Not only someone to trust, to confide in, to talk to when times get rough, but someone you can be an absolute twat with, with no concerns they’re going to think you’re a weirdo? I never realised that was what I wanted before, but messing around in such a way made me see what had been missing from my other relationships. Sure, I’d had fun with my past boyfriends, but not
this
kind of fun. Not outright, carefree fun that made my stomach ache from the giggling. Again, I wondered if the reason we could be this way was because we’d known each other since we were kids. Maybe we’d regressed together. Logan always reminded me of being a teenager – the strength of my crush on him was strong enough that, even as an adult, it still had the power to make my insides ache as I remembered how many times I’d felt despair because he didn’t even know my name. And even when that changed, the despair never left because I thought he’d never see me as anything special. When he’d revealed he remembered me earlier, little fireworks went off inside me. Yeah, I really had gone back in time.

After another taxi ride back to the B&B, Logan and I dumped our bags in our room then collapsed on the bed again. Now fully clothed, I wasn’t afraid to sit a little closer to him. I let my foot brush against his, and when he didn’t move away, I rested my hand close to his. Not close enough that they touched, but close enough that the option was there, should one of us want to make that move.

While we’d been full of chatter earlier, rushing around so much had taken its toll on us both, and after a short time, Logan fell asleep beside me. Once again, I allowed myself to take in the sound of the rain and Logan’s gentle breaths. I smiled to myself, thinking about the fact that this trip wouldn’t be over for a long time yet. We had the whole night. A whole night together.

I glanced at him, watching his chest slowly rising and falling. I missed being able to see his beautiful eyes, but I loved how his hair had fallen slightly across his face, and how peaceful he looked. My own eyes grew heavy after a while, and with a grin on my lips, I drifted off to sleep too.

**

An almighty rumbling sound caused my eyelids to lift wide open. I shifted my gaze left and right, trying to get a grip on reality. Where was I? What the hell was that noise?

“Sorry.”

I blinked a few times at the sound of the voice. Oh right. Yes. Logan! B&B. Got it.

“Was that your stomach?” I asked, turning onto my side to face him, where he was still lying beside me. He had a similar look to the one he’d had when he’d picked me up. Hair messy, brown eyes a teensy a bit sleepy-looking.

Still gorgeous.

He grinned sheepishly. “Yeah.”

“Jesus. I guess I’d better get up if you’re so hungry that your stomach is rumbling loud enough to wake me up.”

Actually, I was kind of hungry too. I glanced down at my watch. Apparently I’d been asleep for two hours, and it was now six o’clock.

“You should have woken me up sooner,” I said, shifting into a sitting position.

“I’ve not been awake long myself. The stomach rumbling woke me up too.”

As I looked down at him, I chuckled at the fact that he hadn’t moved yet, in spite of his hunger. If my stomach had made that sound, I’d have been headed for the nearest Pizza Hut in seconds.

“Where do we eat around here?” I asked.

“I don’t know. I wondered if we could charm Mrs Kay into cooking for us.”

“No chance. The ‘old bird’ might have a sense of humour but I reckon she’s strict with dining rules. And this is a bed and breakfast. No dinner included.”

Logan groaned. “That means I have to get up and go out in the rain again.”

“Where’s your sense of adventure?” I mocked. I looked to the window, squinting to see through the ugly net curtain. “Looks like the rain has slowed a bit now.”

There was a lot less thunder and lightning too. The rumbles sounded more distant. Technically, we could have waited it out and still arrived home at a sensible time; more sensible than if we’d stayed for the festival, but I wasn’t complaining. Even though we’d both slept for a couple of hours, and I’d expected to mourn the time we hadn’t spent talking, mostly I was happy we were so comfortable with each other. An early start, plus a change of plans, minus some clothes, plus a shopping trip would have equalled tiredness for a lot of people.

“Ha ha.” Logan smiled as he sat up. “I saw a pub down the road when we came back earlier. Shall we give it a try?”

The pub Logan had spotted was literally at the end of the road, and it looked as worn as the B&B we’d just left. It even smelled a little musty inside, though there were more than a few people in there, drinking. Some sat by the bar, some sat in booths around the edge of the room. The old jukebox in the corner pumped out dreary tracks from the sixties; not even the fun ones that created a good atmosphere. However, Logan’s stomach still sounded like a wounded cow, so we had no choice but to look over the menu instead of hunting elsewhere. We both ordered British pub classics – steak and chips for Logan, and pie and mash for me. With our orders placed and our first round of drinks in our hands, we slipped into one of the booths to wait for our meals.