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Authors: Pamela Butchart

Baby Aliens Got My Teacher!

BOOK: Baby Aliens Got My Teacher!
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I Am NOT Making This Up!

You know how sometimes you try to tell your mum and dad something
REALLY
important and they say stuff like, “Ah-ha, that’s good,” or “Go tell your dad,” or “Don’t be silly,” or “Can’t you see I’m on the toilet?!”

Like the time I found a crisp shaped 
EXACTLY
like Mrs Cunningham who lives upstairs and when I showed Mum she just said, “No thanks, you eat it.” I obviously did 
NOT
eat it. I put it in an envelope and carefully posted it through Mrs Cunningham’s letter box. Because that’s what I would want someone to do if they found a crisp shaped exactly like me (also called a crisp twin).

Anyway, one time me and my friend Zach who lives downstairs ran home from school to tell Mum something
EXTREMELY IMPORTANT
about an
INCIDENT
that had happened that day. But she didn’t listen.
Even though we were all sweaty and red and out of breath from running. And Zach had fallen and cut his knee and everything! But Mum just gave me a
LOOK
like I was making it up and said, “Don’t be silly, Izzy,” just like she
ALWAYS DOES!
Mum always thinks I’m making stuff up. She says I have a

And I say that I can’t help it that weird stuff always happens to me!

So I told Zach to tell her, because she
NEVER
shouts at Zach or tells him
HE’S
 
making things up. One time, I asked Mum why she shouted at me and not at Zach when we coloured in Dad’s head when he was sleeping. And she said, “I’m not Zach’s mum, but I am
YOUR
mum, so I’m
ALLOWED
to shout at you!”

So Zach told her about the
INCIDENT
at school, and guess what? Mum phoned his mum and she came up and
SHE
shouted at him. Right there in our living room in front of me and Mum and Dad and everything. I was worried she was going to start shouting at me too. But then I remembered the Shouting Rule.

I felt bad for Zach. His mum shouted
REALLY LOUD
and got a lot angrier than my mum did. When they left, Mum said it was because Zach’s mum and dad have split up and that this was the last thing Zach’s mum needed as she already had
“TOO MUCH ON HER PLATE!”
I didn’t know what that meant. But then I remembered that, last week at school dinners, Mrs Kidd (the school force-you-to-eat-every-scrap dinner monitor) wouldn’t let me leave the table until I finished
EVERYTHING
on my plate. And I felt sick because the stupid dinner lady had given me five ice-cream
scoops of shepherd’s pie. They use the ice-cream scoop for all the food at our school. Zach says that they don’t even wash it before they serve the ice-cream and he knows that for a fact because his mum used to be our old dinner lady. Anyway,
I HATE
shepherd’s pie so I couldn’t finish it all and I got really angry because I wasn’t allowed to leave the table and I
DEFINITELY
had too much on my plate!

So, anyway, Mum told me to go to my room and do my homework. But I said I couldn’t until she listened to what had happened at school that day. But then her eye started to get all twitchy and that’s what happens before she gets really annoyed and starts shouting things like, “That’s it! I’ve had it! No holiday!” So I just left it and said sorry because I really, really want to go to Disneyland in the school holidays as we didn’t get to go on holiday last summer because Dad had to work.

So I went upstairs, but I didn’t go to my room. I sneaked along the hall into Mum
and Dad’s room and phoned Zach on his new mobile phone.

Dad says that it’s
RIDICULOUS
that Zach has a mobile phone at his age, especially one that’s better than his. Mum says that Zach’s dad buys him lots of expensive things because he’s not around as much as he was. I know Zach misses his dad but we don’t really talk about it because Zach doesn’t like to.

So anyway, I phoned Zach from Mum’s room. And someone answered. But it wasn’t Zach! It was somebody else! And then I remembered that we had left our school bags in school because we had run away
after the
INCIDENT
. The
INCIDENT
that Mum didn’t want to hear about. So I slammed down the phone and dialled
999
. Because that’s what the police officer that came to our school said to do in an
EMERGENCY
.

And this was an

The “I-Had-an-Accident” Clothes

Even though the
INCIDENT
happened on Friday, I'm going to start this story from Monday, because lots of other stuff happened before the
INCIDENT
.

Jodi (our friend and third witness) says that we have to call what happened an
INCIDENT
and not an
ACCIDENT
because an
ACCIDENT
is when something happens by accident and an
INCIDENT
is something that happens that is not an accident. And what happened at school on Friday was definitely
NOT
an accident.

On Monday, me and Zach walked to school like we always do, because our school is right beside where we live. And Jodi's mum drove Jodi right into the playground even though Mr Murphy (the Head Teacher) shouts
“NO CARS ALLOWED!”
out of his window
EVERY
morning.

I don't think Jodi's mum even hears Mr
Murphy shouting because she has her music up really loud and I can usually hear what song she's singing along to even though all the windows are rolled up.

Jodi says her mum is practising for
X
Factor because she's bored of working in the bakery and that she's
“SICK TO THE BACK TEETH”
of smelling like sausage rolls. But Jodi says her mum's not very good at singing and that one time the woman who lives upstairs came down to their door and shouted at her mum and called her a
“NIGHTMARE NEIGHBOUR!”
and said it sounded like a cat was being strangled.

So that's when we started to spy on the woman who lives upstairs because as Jodi said, “How does
SHE
know what it sounds like when you strangle a cat?” And this was a very good question. I have two cats and Zach has one, so we followed her for a while to make sure she wasn't a Cat Strangler. But she didn't really go anywhere and then one day she caught us peeking through her letter box and she phoned the police and even though we told them about her being a Cat Strangler we still got into big trouble. But I didn't really mind because now she knows that
“WE'RE ON TO HER!”
and Zach said that she was
“UNLIKELY TO STRIKE AGAIN”
with us watching her. So our cats are safe.

Anyway, I also once heard Mr Murphy tell the office ladies that Jodi's mum was a
“NIGHTMARE PARENT”
. And I didn't think that was a very nice thing for the Head Teacher to say. So I told Jodi and she told her mum and now every time Mr Murphy goes into the bakery, Jodi's mum gives him
the cakes that have fallen on the ground.

But I'm secretly glad that Jodi's mum can't sing very well because that means she still has to work in the bakery. So when we go to Jodi's house there are always loads of doughnuts and yum yums and Bakewell tarts because her mum gets to bring them home for free. I've not decided what I'm going to be when I grow up yet, but I'm thinking about becoming a baker.

So anyway, me and Zach were walking up to the school gates when Miss Jones (our horrible teacher) drove past really fast and splattered us with a massive puddle. I
screamed, but Zach screamed even louder because he was standing nearest to the road and he got completely
SOAKED!
Zach screamed even louder than the time I put a pea in each finger of his gloves. Zach is
TERRIFIED
of peas. His mum says he has a
PHOBIA
about them, which I think means he's scared he's going to turn into one, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I got really wet too
and the mud splattered all over my new bag. And Zach got mud all over his teeth because he had his mouth open when Miss Jones splashed us. So we had to go to the school nurse because we were soaking wet and she made us wear the spare “I-had-an-accident” clothes and sent us to class.

At least we
BOTH
had to wear the “I-had-an-accident” clothes. Because if it had been just one of us, everyone would have thought we had had a
REAL ACCIDENT
, like Maisie Miller had last year when Jodi made her laugh too much.

When we got to class, Miss Jones didn't
even ask us why we were late. I thought that was really
WEIRD
because usually Miss Jones asks you for a note and if you don't have one she tells you off and makes you go back down to the school office to get one.

I don't understand why she makes us do that because it takes two and a half minutes to get back down to the school office, then another three minutes to wait for the office ladies to stop ignoring you and open the glass window, then another two and a half minutes to get back upstairs to the class again. That's a total of eight minutes. So if you're only two minutes late in the first place,
you end up being ten minutes late!

So me and Zach just went and sat down in our seats and told Jodi why we were wearing the “I-had-an-accident” clothes. Then Jodi told us that Miss Jones was being really nice today and that she said we didn't have to do our maths work this morning.

I was really happy that we didn't have to do our maths because even though I am quite good at maths, I hate doing it because it's boring and I have to share a book with Gary Petrie. And he always picks his nose and puts it in between the pages and calls it
“A CRUSTY SURPRISE”
.

But I
DID
think it was really weird that Miss Jones didn't want to do maths that day because everyone knows that Miss Jones
LOVES
maths. She loves it so much that one time when nobody got the answers right in the maths quiz, Miss Jones got really annoyed and shouted at Jodi, and Jodi got upset and shouted, “Miss Jones, if you love maths so much why don't you just marry it?!” And then she got kept in at break “for cheek” and got double maths homework.

So anyway, we decorated our exercise books instead and that was better than maths. But I was a bit suspicious about why
Miss Jones was being so
NICE
because she's
NEVER
nice. Zach said maybe it was because she felt bad for splashing us. But I said that Miss Jones hadn't even noticed that she'd splashed us because she was driving like a
MANIAC
.

I used to think our old teacher, Miss Riley, hated us. One time I wrote
MISS RILEY IS MEAN
on the board when she wasn't looking. But then when she saw it she started crying and I felt really bad. That's when I found out she probably didn't hate us because if you hate someone I don't think you really care if they call you mean.

But I had been sure that Miss Jones actually
DID
hate us because she
ALWAYS
moaned at us (even when we weren't doing anything wrong). And she
NEVER
gave us free time or treats like the other nicer teachers in the school gave their classes.

One time Maisie Miller was swinging on her chair and she fell off and hurt her arm and
I SWEAR
Miss Jones had a tiny smile on her face.

But the time I found out that Miss
Jones
REALLY
hated us was when Jodi had one of her
JODI TANTRUMS
(also called a JT) in the middle of the Christmas Concert because Gary Petrie was supposed to be a lamb but he kept saying,
“MOO! MOO!”
every time it was Jodi's turn to speak. And Miss Jones didn't do
ANYTHING
about it.

So Jodi started kicking everything and pulling her hair out (just like she always does when she has a JT). Then she
shouted,
“YOU HATE ME, MISS JONES, DON'T YOU?!”
and Miss Jones didn't even deny it! So then Jodi kicked the manger and the baby Jesus fell out on to the stage and everyone in the crowd gasped and someone said,
“OUTRAGEOUS!”
and Jodi started crying.

I don't know why everyone got so upset because it wasn't like it was a
REAL
baby that fell out of the manger. Our baby Jesus is made of plastic.

At lunchtime, Miss Jones let us out five minutes early because she was going
OUT
for lunch. I thought that was also weird because Miss Jones
NEVER
goes
OUT
for lunch. She usually just sits at her desk and eats a smelly Cup a Soup. Then when we come back into class we try to guess what kind she had that day by smelling the air.

BOOK: Baby Aliens Got My Teacher!
12.47Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub
ads

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