An Officer but No Gentleman (5 page)

“I think I must go home now,” she said.  “Will you drive me, Gray?  Imelia, be a dear and fetch my cloak.”

As soon as Imelia left, Millie began to weep.  Grayson reached over and patted her back.  “There, there,” he said dryly, making Jaxon rankled at the rude tone.

Suddenly, she wrapped her arms around his neck and sobbed in earnest into his neck.  “You know how much I love to dance.  With whom shall I dance now?”

“I should imagine all the men you dance with when my brother’s away.”

S
he pulled his head down to hers and kissed him.

Jaxon felt sick as he watched his twin and his fiancée and he wondered if this was the first time they’d kissed. Hot rage coursed through his veins and his hand tightened on the cane in his hand. The embrace lasted until Grayson ba
cked her into the door.  His knee pushed between her legs as he roughly palmed her breast through her clothing.

“Is this what you want, Millie?” he ground out menacingly.  “Do you want me to take you to the barn and lift your skirts?  Do you think because my brother is ugly and lame now that you can substitute me for him?  The only reason I would ever, ever be with you, is so my brother wouldn’t marry you because I had you first.”

He pushed away from her.  “I have held my tongue about you for the last time.  Consider your engagement broken.”

“You can’t do that.” She was breathing hard.

“Lady, you’ve been making excuses all night trying to figure out a graceful way out of your engagement.  If you truly loved him, none of this would have mattered to you.  The people who love him are gathering around him.  There is no room for the likes of you.”

“I think it’s time for you to leave now,” Imelia said holding the cloak at arm’s length.

Jaxon didn’t know when their sister returned to the hallway because he had been so intent on the tableau before him.  They opened the door and practically pushed her out, leaving her to find her own way home.

“That’s a hell of a sacrifice you were willing to make on my behalf,” Jaxon said from the top of the stairs.

Grayson bounded up the stairs two at a time and helped his brother down each step.

“And I would have, too.”

Jax smiled.  “Damn, I guess you really do love me.  Hell of a sacrifice.”

Jaxon wished he could smile about the incident now. He couldn’t fathom how he could have ever thought he loved the woman.  In writing letters to her, he had concocted a false image of who she was.  He thought her beauty was reflected in her personality, but quite the opposite was true.  Whoever had coined the phrase that beauty was only skin deep could have been talking about her.

4

Charlie took the punishment in stride.  Under normal circumstances, Charlie spent her off time alone in her cabin, so the only difference really was that she took her meals there as well and she spent it in bed with a hot vinegar and brown paper poultice on her back. She passed the time thinking about the dashing figure of the captain of the Baltimore clipper.  How she wished her father hadn’t been there.  She might have taken out the spyglass and gotten a better look.  But now she could only use her imagination to put a face to him.

She was relieved when her restriction was lifted three days later.   

The crew had easily settled back into their routine and Charlie found herself wishing for a bit of light weather just to change things up a bit
, but the sun blazed in the cloudless sky daily. 

From the quarterdeck she watched the crew at their tasks and made an effort never to look at Morty when he was in a position to see her.  Catching his eye made her uneasy.  Inevitably, she assigned him tasks in the prow, the area in the front of the ship where she could barely see him through the sails.  As the days wore on, she noted there had been no improvement of the sour mood he had been in of late.  On the eighth day out, Hugh reminded her of her promise to talk to Morty about whether he was having a problem with a maiden.  Mentally, she made every excuse under the moon to avoid him.

Charlie had barely sat down after her shift on deck when a strong knock bolted her out of her chair.  She turned the key in the lock and opened the door to find Morty standing in the passageway.

“Hugh told me you wanted to see me.”

Charlie opened her mouth to say something
, but found herself at a loss for words.  Apparently McNamara had gotten impatient and sent Morty aft on his own.

Stepping back, Charlie allowed his entrance to the cabin.  “Have a seat, Morty,” she said closing the door.   Hugh may have sent him for one conversation
, but Charlie had a feeling that was not what they would be discussing.  While Morty sat down in the seat Charlie had just vacated, Charlie closed the porthole.  She didn’t want their exchange drifting up to the deck.  “Hugh and I are worried about you.  You’ve changed and we want to help if we can,” she said sitting down on the bunk. 

We
, Charlie thought. 
Remember to stick with ‘we’ and ‘Hugh and I’
. Under the circumstances, she didn’t want him to read too much into her concern.

Morty scowled at her.  “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Charlie wanted nothing more than to leave it at that, but knew Hugh would want a full report.  “We thought it might have to do with a maiden,” Charlie said hoping to get him talking.

“Aye,” was all he said.  After a length of time had passed, Charlie could see he didn’t want to talk about it.

“She doesn’t know you exist?”

“Oh, she knows.”

Morty closed his mouth and glared at Charlie.  This was not going well, but Charlie didn’t know how to extradite herself at this point so she plodded on.

“So you like this girl and she what?  Doesn’t return your feelings?  She’s taken?”

“I don’t
like
this girl,” he said deliberately.  “I love her.”

“And…” she prompted.

“And she’s a lying, deceitful piece of baggage.  She made me think I was going crazy.  I thought.… Never mind what I thought.”

Morty stood up and paced the length of the room and back until he stood in front of Charlie.

“Look, Morty, maybe you’re better off without her.”

Suddenly, Morty grabbed handfuls of Charlie’s uniform coat and pulled her to her feet, his face inches from hers.  It wouldn’t have been impossible to break free of the large man
, but Charlie could see the pain in her friend’s eyes and didn’t even try.  If he wanted to shout into Charlie’s face, she’d let him.

“Even now,” he gritted out.  “You just won’t make it easy on me.  You know how I feel and you won’t admit it.  I
know
, Charlie.  I know you’re a woman.”

“No, Morty.  You’re wrong.”  Denial was her first reflex.  Even though she knew he knew, it was almost her own inability to admit she was exposed to which she responded.

His head lowered hesitantly to hers.  But as his lips met hers, she pulled back and turned her head.

“I am no raper of innocents,” he said in her ear.  “I am not going to hurt you.  I just want you to see me the way a woman sees a man.  Not as your shipmate and friend.  I want to be the man who makes your knees weak and your skin hot.”

When she tried to push him away, he let go of her coat and slipped his hand inside around to her back and pulled her up against the length of him.

“Morty,” she whispered. “You’re scaring me.”

Charlie had never been allowed to be vulnerable.  She had to be tough at all times.  “Please.”  Her mind tried to wrap around what he was saying.  This man, this gentle giant for whom she felt a very tender kinship, loved her as a man loved a woman.  She didn’t know why she was afraid.  It wasn’t because she thought he’d hurt her, not Morty.  Never that.  It was more fear of his emotions.

He could feel the rapid rise and fall of her chest and see the pulse in her neck dancing.  Slowly, he released her and stepped back, his eyes never leaving hers as he watched a myriad of expressions flit across her countenance.  Morty knew the moment she thought about fleeing and beat her to the door.  With one swift motion the key was turned and palmed his meaty hand.  When he saw the panic in her eyes again, he pressed the key into her hand.

Charlie closed her eyes for a moment.  She hated this vulnerable feeling and wondered if land women felt this way as they lived their everyday life.  How was it that his knowing she was a woman made her feel so defenseless?  Was she not the same person he knew before he discovered the truth?  She could still take him to the ground and pin him there and yet she never felt so insecure in her life.  The things he said, were they not the things she wanted for herself?  There in front of her, was a man echoing what she had spent endless hours dreaming of as she sat alone in her cabin at night, but never dared to hope for:  a man to love –one who loved her back—someone whom she didn’t have to pretend to keep up appearances.  She was sick of the charade.  And yet she knew no way out of it. 

As long as she lived at sea, she could not be a woman.  Women had no place on a ship.  They were bad luck and no man would ever follow a woman officer
, but she knew no other way.

On land there was a place for women.  They lived with their parents until they married and then they were wives and mothers.  She knew nothing of being a daughter, a wife, a mother.

She put her hand on his chest and strained her neck upwards until his mouth came down to meet hers.  His arm went around her drawing her to him.  Try as she might she just didn’t feel anything.  When she pulled away Charlie could tell Morty’s reaction was different from hers.  His eyes were hooded with desire as he tried to reengage her.

“No.”

She didn’t know if she didn’t like kissing or if she wasn’t doing it right, but she did know kissing Morty was not what she had hoped for. She resisted the urge to wipe her mouth on her sleeve.

“You are my closest friend.  The love I have for you is like the love brothers have for one another.  I don’t think it could be more.”

He grabbed his chest.  “Could you thrust the knife deeper into my heart?” Morty asked.  “You do not know what you feel yet.  You’ve never allowed yourself to think of me in any other manner.  I haven’t had a moment to woo you, to banter flirtatiously with you.”

“Nor shall you, Morty,” she cut in.  “Nothing has changed aboard this vessel.  I am still second mate.  You are still a member of my watch.  My father will not allow us to fraternize.  The only thing changed is that I will be constantly on my guard that you will reveal my secret.”

“Charlie….”

“I do not pretend to be male to amuse myself,” she continued.  “It was never my choice.  My father and Dr. Kirk made this decision when I was too little to know the difference.  They were trying to protect me.”

Morty slammed his fist into the wall.  “Damn it, Charlie.  You’re not giving me a chance.  Didn’t you hear me when I said I love you?  If you need protecting, I’ll do it.  But who’s going to find out?”

“You
need to lower your voice, Mordecai Horatio Ness, or everyone will know everything before you leave this cabin!”  Charlie’s voice may have been low, but there could be no doubt she was shouting as well.  “You think a romance will go unnoticed on the ship?  I bet ten people know you are here right now.”

“We-we’ll tell them you’re teaching me to play chess.”

“No, we won’t because it’s not going to happen.  You wear your heart on your sleeve—you can’t help it.  This moodiness had been going on for months now and then suddenly you’re on cloud nine.  You don’t think people will notice?”

“Well at least
I
have a heart.”

Charlie had a heart and it was nearly breaking for him.  She didn’t want to hurt him
, but she couldn’t give him hope when there could be none.

Awkwardly, she took his hands in hers.  Things like that did not come naturally to her, as any kind of gesture that might appear feminine had always been avoided.

“Believe me when I say I’m sorry.”  Her head was bowed and she saw the blood drying on his knuckles.  She dropped his uninjured hand and began palpating the swelling, bleeding one.  Why did men feel the need to hit the walls and doors when they were mad?  Morty flinched a couple of times as she dug her thumbs into his swelling, bruised flesh to feel the bone.

“Big baby,” she said under her breath.  She could feel his eyes examining her face as she tended his hand.

“You really are an exceptionally beautiful woman.”

No one had ever complimented her before.  She wasn’t sure what to say.  “I could be in the freak tent at the fair.  I could be the boy-faced girl.”

“Never that,” he said softly.  “You were a sweet-faced lad when I came on this ship nine years ago.  A fairer face youth there’s never been.  But at some point, when the baby-face never became more masculine something deep in my brain knew—Jesus, I thought I’d been out at sea too long when someone I thought of as a kid brother looked good to me.”

Under other circumstances
, she might have teased him over such an admission, but she had seen how tortured he had been over the last months.

“I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.”

She rinsed the blood out the cloth then handed it to him.  “The cool cloth will help it feel better.”

He tossed the rag at the basin.  “Do I look like a woman to you?  Unlock the door, my hammock is waiting.”

She produced the key from her pocket, but put herself between Morty and the door after unlocking it.  “I’ll have your word.”

“You don’t trust me?”  A look of hurt was written across his face.  “Of course you don’t.  We’ve been best mates for nine years and not once did you even hint at your little secret.”

He reached out to shove her out of his way, but with lightning fast reflexes she grabbed his hand, twisted it behind his back and pinned him to the door.  It was a move he had seen in many of her tavern brawls.  She pressed her thumb into his bruised knuckle just to drive her point home.

“I’ll have your word, Morty.”

He pushed away from the door until it felt like his shoulder would come out of its socket.  “Damn it, Charlie, let go.  I’m not going to fight you.”

She already regretted using the move on him.  It was only going to add insult to injury.  “Go.”