An Ever Fixéd Mark (30 page)

She opened a copy of Shelley’s poems and
took in the breath of old paper and the leather binding. She felt
her head swim and looked up to stop the dizziness from pouring over
books. She saw Ben standing in the doorway.

“Hi,” he smiled.

“Hi,” Lizzie blindly replaced the book on
the shelf.

“Already finished with Tom Jones?”

“I have ADD today.”

“So do I,” he revealed the burn was still in
his eyes.

“Ben,” she started as he came towards her
and kissed her passionately. The suddenness of it thrilled the
speed of her heartbeat.

He unzipped her sweatshirt and moved his
kiss towards her neck. He breathed in and lifted a whisper up to
her ear. “Yes?”

“Yes,” she barely breathed as he lifted her
off her feet.

*****

Lizzie jerked her head up suddenly. Darkness
settled outside the office window. She felt Ben’s heartbeat
pounding in a nearly normal rhythm beneath her as her senses
gradually moved back into focus. Her throat was dry and the air was
cool against her bare back. She carefully moved herself off Ben and
stood up to retrieve the sweatshirt from the floor. She rolled her
shoulders back and forward to reinvigorate her tingly arm.

There was something… something else in her
mind before she opened her eyes. She closed them to try to prompt
the dream back in her memory, but all she could remember was a
sensation… but maybe that was a few hours ago when she was awake
and Ben… he opened his eyes and smiled as if seeing that memory in
his own mind. He sat up slowly and rubbed his eyes. “What time is
it?”

Lizzie lifted her shoulders helplessly. “I
don’t know.”

Ben slowly stood and retrieved a few pieces
of clothing as he went to his computer. “It’s 8:30,” he moved back
towards her. “It seems later.”

“We both fell asleep,” Lizzie coughed on her
dry throat.

“Not for very long,” he smiled at her.

“Long enough for me to dream something.”

“Yeah?” he looked curiously.

“I don’t remember what it was,” she coughed
again and went to get a glass of water. When she came back, Ben was
back at the computer.

“We got an email from Jack,” he said lightly
and then sobered his expression.

“Yeah,” Lizzie nodded, having read hers at
work two days ago. “It’s the Melissa Benson BBQ.”

“
Do you want to get
dinner?” Ben avoided her eyes.

“No,” Lizzie didn’t hide her irritation.

“You need to eat something. Something better
than that leftover Chinese food.”

Lizzie set her jaw. “Okay, I’ll order a
pizza,” she sat on the sofa. He looked at her for a few lengthy
minutes of silence and then went back to the computer. “You’re not
going to the concert, are you?”

“I don’t think I should.”

“Why not?” Lizzie looked directly at
him.

“Because I would have a difficult time
looking at those parents, Elizabeth.”

“Because you know how their daughter
died?”

“So, apparently, do you.”

Lizzie felt a burn in her cheeks that
trickled down to the new wound at the side of her neck. “Then I
feel more profoundly that I should go,” Lizzie looked down at the
glass of water in her hands.

“Then you can go for the both of us. Send
Jack my regards.”

“And that’s it? You just end the subject?”
Lizzie stood up and glared down at him. “You obviously feel guilty
about this, Ben. Even though you say you don’t know anything for
sure.”

“I feel guilty, Elizabeth, because every day
I am thankful that it was Melissa and not you,” he didn’t look at
her as he said it.

Lizzie’s hands shook. She summoned the
strength to rest her glass on the desk for fear she would drop it.
She breathed in a sob and exhaled with tears. Ben looked at her and
let go of his anger. He came to her side and pulled her into a
strong embrace. “You don’t have to go,” he said softly. “You can
tell Jack I made plans for us that can’t be re-scheduled. Blame
me.”

Lizzie wrapped her arms tightly around him.
“I have to go,” she cried. “I have to…”

“Okay,” Ben smoothed along the top of her
hair as she slowed her sobs. “It’s not your fault, Elizabeth.”

Lizzie pulled herself closer to him. His
body was so warm. His arms were strong. And safe. She felt as
though he could shield her from anything that would harm her
physically. But no matter how closely she pressed against him, she
couldn’t protect herself from the reality of what he was, what he
would always be, and how inescapably her life was now entwined with
it.

Chapter
Twenty-One

Lizzie smiled as Jack set the beers in front
of her and Jen. “Perks of sitting with the band,” he winked as he
took his seat on the other side of his wife. Lizzie smiled at the
familiar faces around the table. Faces she knew from years of
Jack’s gigs. All of them were at her birthday party, but that was a
whirlwind. A whirlwind when she could forget about Mike and their
indiscretion on the back porch. But there he was with his
girlfriend, Amy. How much had changed since that cold January
night. And yet Lizzie was back to where she was a year ago… the
only one at the table without a partner.

“
Are you running that race
again this year, Lizzie?” Jen asked.

“No,” Lizzie shook her head, laughing at the
fact her habit receded to three miles only three times a week. It
was unlikely she could accomplish twice that much, never mind
thirteen.

“You still look pretty good,” Jen nodded as
Lizzie peeled pork off of her ribs. She laughed to herself,
thinking how Ben would probably disapprove of her food choice. He
wasn’t there to say anything. Besides, it was another seven weeks
before he had any real say in her diet.

“Thanks,” Lizzie dodged a look from Mike and
the nasty stare from Amy.

“Lizzie!” a voice called from behind
her.

“Sara,” Lizzie almost choked on the ribs she
barely swallowed. “I didn’t know you were here.”

Sara picked up the toddler walking in front
of her. “Hi,” she greeted the table. “Hi Jack. Excellent job,
guys.”

Lizzie could tell from Sara’s extra polite
tone that she really didn’t like the music at all. Some things
hadn’t changed since high school. “We’re playing another set in a
half hour,” Jack explained, oblivious to Sara’s real opinion.
Lizzie could tell from Jen’s hidden expression that his wife was
less clueless. “Is that Josie?”

“Oh no,” Sara laughed. “Josie just started
crawling. This is Timmy.”

“He’s so big,” Lizzie smiled, feeling the
ache Will had dislodged a week before.

“He’s growing out of his clothes every week,
I swear. Thank God I kept all his brothers’ clothes,” Sara shifted
Timmy from one hip to the other. Lizzie slid over on her bench to
offer Sara a seat and pulled a piece of pasta salad off her plate
for Timmy.

“
Lizzie, where’s Ben?”
Sara startled Lizzie as she offered Timmy a third piece of her
pasta.

“He had a work thing,” Lizzie said weakly.
It was easier to lie to Jack and the band. Sara was a different
story.

“So you guys are still dating?”

“Yeah,” Lizzie found another piece of
mayonnaise covered ziti for Timmy’s eager hands.

“Dating?” Jen laughed. “They’re practically
living together.”

“Oh,” Sara pursed her lips. Lizzie knew she
was wrestling between her high school ego and the Christian impulse
to say something about the sanctity of marriage.

“How’s your mom doing?” Lizzie opted to let
it go, softened by Timmy’s eager pudgy fingers.

“She’s holding up,” Sara accepted the topic
change. “She always brightens when the grandchildren are
around.”

“I can see why,” Lizzie smiled at Timmy and
then Sara. “Are you visiting for the weekend?”

“Mom told me about the fundraiser. I thought
it would be fun for the kids – and it’s a good cause,” Sara smiled
at the table, relatively quiet as they ate their barbeque.

“Yeah,” Lizzie felt the weakness tempt
her.

“I remember the day she disappeared,” Sara
looked blankly in front of her. “It was one of the first days my
dad let me drive to school. I was so excited I got to drive, I
crammed too many people in that Ford Escort. Even you, Jack.”

“I remember,” he grinned.

“When we drove by the Bensons’ house, there
were three police cars. It was odd because that’s probably all the
police in this town,” Sara laughed without any hint of humor.

“Yeah,” Jack interjected. “We all stayed at
my house to see what was going to happen. But nothing did.”

“We played a lot of Trivial Pursuit that
night.”

“I think Lizzie won every single game,” Jack
laughed.

Lizzie blinked her eyes, hoping no one saw
the tears that started to form in them. “That whole summer…” she
returned her gaze to Timmy’s hungry fingers. “We played a lot of
Trivial Pursuit.”

“Ben brought pizza,” Sara smiled, no doubt
thinking the pizza was just for her. Lizzie thought how she was
often the one who ate seconds, filling her blood with unappealing
lipids.

“Ha,” Jack laughed. “Lizzie says he’s a
health freak now.”

“So is Lizzie,” Jen smiled.

“Except at barbeques when Jack’s band is
playing,” Lizzie met her eyes.

Timmy grew restless when his supply of ziti
ended. He turned around and patted his mother’s lips with greasy
fingers. “I think we’ll go back to Grandma,” Sara dodged a finger
between her teeth. She lifted her eyes back to the band with
another empty smile. “See you later, Lizzie. Jack.”

“Jack,” an older man echoed as he came over
to the table.

“Mr. Benson,” Jack turned around.

“I wanted to thank you again for all your
help,” the older man took Jack’s hand then circled the table to the
rest of the band.

“You remember my cousin, Elizabeth Watson?
She was in my class at Springs,” Jack nodded to Lizzie.

Lizzie stood up and nodded. “Mr.
Benson.”

“Thanks for coming to support my girl.”

“I remember Melissa,” Lizzie said flatly.
“She was a great … person.”

“She would have been 35 today.”

Lizzie found the strength to make herself
smile, even as the meat in her stomach started to curdle. Mr.
Benson looked at Lizzie slowly. “You remind me of her a little,”
Mr. Benson’s stare started to glisten.

“She was a lovely girl,” Lizzie said
blankly.

Mr. Benson breathed in slowly. “Yes. One of
your classmates gave us a sizable donation this year. I think that
will allow us to award two extra scholarships in June.”

“Ben?” Jen asked.

“Benjamin Cottingham,” Mr. Benson nodded.
“They lived over on Scott Road. Big old house, he and his brother.
I think one of them used to give Melissa a ride home from softball
practice when I couldn’t get there in time. They were good
boys.”

Lizzie put her hand against the table to
keep her balance. “Lizzie knows Ben pretty well. He’s her
boyfriend,” Jen offered. “He still is a good guy.”

“He is a lucky guy,” Mr. Benson nodded.
“Thanks for coming.”

Lizzie sat down as he walked away. She saw
several eyes at the table look at her. Lizzie forced herself to
concentrate on her plate and started to pull the meat off her ribs,
even if she didn’t have the stomach to eat any more.

“What a nice man,” Amy commented. “How sad.
You can tell he still grieves for his daughter.”

“They never found the body,” Jen sighed. “I
can’t imagine that he has had closure.”

“How awful.”

“Did you see how he looked at Lizzie?” Jack
asked. “It was like he was seeing a ghost. You do kind of look like
her.”

“Kind of,” Lizzie dropped the bones on her
plate.

“That’s creepy,” Jen softened her eyes on
Lizzie. “Did that ever freak you out?”

“I never really thought about it until
recently,” Lizzie looked up at her friends.

“Did they ever find out who did it?” the
bass player asked.

“Nope,” Jack shook his head. “No body. No
suspect.”

“They must have suspected someone?” the bass
player’s wife asked.

“I think they checked out her boyfriend. He
was a real asshole,” Jack rolled his eyes. “And then there was some
guy who lived on Peabody Ave. that got arrested for molesting his
kids. They tried to link him to this… but they couldn’t prove it.
Then it just kind of faded out of the public attention.”

“That’s sad. That must be difficult for Mr.
Benson, too,” the bass player’s wife added.

“But think of the good he’s done. All those
scholarships that help students. He managed to turn his sorrow into
opportunity,” Jen offered.

“Good point,” Jack patted his stomach.
“Lizzie, you look like you could use that beer I got you.”

“I would if a bunch of people just compared
me to a dead girl,” Jen touched her hand. “Are you okay,
Lizzie?”

“I’m fine. I’m happy to be here. Alive, with
my friends,” Lizzie hoped the extra effort of her nod didn’t give
away her struggle. “I’m lucky I am able to complain about being 34
and growing white hairs.”

“Here, here,” Jen grinned back.

*****

Lizzie slid the tablecloth a little more
towards her left and began setting the napkins and silverware in
front of all the seats… except two corners waiting for Ben’s
chairs. She retrieved wine glasses from the bar and went back in
the kitchen for trivets to set in the middle of the table.

“
It looks lovely,” Nora
walked in with a vase full of flowers. “Do you want them in the
middle? Or is it too tall for people to see one
another?”

“It’s perfect,” Lizzie admired the
arrangement Nora set in the middle of the table. “She’ll like the
cala lilies.”

“Smells delicious,” Nora breathed in. “I
love your lasagna.”