An End and a Beginning (18 page)

“
I never asked you, I never wanted it, I'm too young for you, for anyone like you. Are you deaf?
Can't
you hear? Listen again. I hate the living sight of you.
”

“
Your mother, dear, your mother said
——”

“
Crawl,” she shouted. “Crawl, good man.
”

“
You are so young. You don't understand. You don't know anything about the world, about this city, it can be vile. I know.
”

“
Save yourself.
”

“
God forgive you.
”

“
Thank you.
”

I saw that, too. The March evening and the open door, and Maureen through it, away, for good, down her own road, and Kilkey—oh, how I remember Kilkey, as I climbed those stairs, as I looked in. Stood by the wall, speechless, hunched, his hands clenched, I thought he must
bend
to the ground.

“How many brothers did you say you had, my son?”

“Three.”

“Where are they now?”

I told him. I was glad I told him, it was coming out, I felt I would soon be free.

“Is any of your family in Gelton now?”

“Not now,” I said, “not now”, and only then, in that very moment, did I realize that it
was
true, that we
were
scattered, that it
was
the end.

“I was thinking of going to America,” I said.

“You have friends there?”

“Some kind of relations,” I said.

I hadn't the slightest intention of going. I'd made up my mind. It was just something to say, it gave me time, I was thinking of the other thing. Suddenly he left his chair and came over to me. He leaned down, and looked at me, saying quietly, “I knew, of course. We see so much, so many, a certain look you carry, such idle hands, such a drab suit, and I can see the skull through your hair. There's always a parting blow, it's like branding a steer, their final mark. How long were you in prison?”

“Fifteen years to the day.”

“A long time. What happened?”

“I killed an old woman,” I said.

“Where?”

“In Gelton.”

“Why?”

I shut my eyes, and it was too soon to answer. “Tell him. Let him have the lot,” I thought, feeling my way in, feeling my way up, crawling backwards. And one after another the voices struck at my ear.

It is another ship, but the sea is the same, the fire. It sails home, it docks, my father goes homewards. A door opens. My mother is there. The face is the same, the eyes, they look in the same direction, beyond him, his sea, the room, this house, the city. “Well, indeed,” my father said, seeing me, smiling, embracing me, pushing me clear, crossing to where my mother was standing. It means go, and I go, I am garbed, willed to a future, I am very young, my nature hides from me, I am locked up in my mother's dream. I climb the stairs, and half-way, I halt
.

“
You did not tell me,” my father said
.

“
No, Denny, I did not. How could I? You were at sea.
”

“
I am always at sea. Tell me what it means?
”

“
Peter has gone for the priesthood. It is my dearest wish.
”

“
And his also?” I counted five hundred in my head in the following silence
.

“
I am talking to you, woman.
”

“
His also.
”

“
He will never be a priest,” my father said
.

“
He will, Denny, I know he will.
”

“
Rubbish. I never heard the like. Behind my back.
”

I went into my room. I knew he would come. I waited, afraid, torn between the two of them. He came in. I was seated on my bed. He sat by me. The room is full of ships and smells, a hard hand on my own. “Why have you gone there? Is this what you wear in your first year? Are you too young? Am I too old? Don't I understand. Tell me about it.
”

I broke open the afternoon for him, our secret fell out. “Your mother wished this, son? tell me, truly? Or did you wish it?
”

“
I wish nothing except not to hurt mother,” I said
.

He ran his hands down my black uniform, he got up, he patted my head. “Then I admire your feelings,” he said. “I will say no more. If I had had the choosing you would have sailed in the ship.
”

“
Yes, father, I know.” He held my face up in his cupped hand. “What did you want?
”

“
I don't know what I want, father,” I said, and it was the only answer
.

Later the ship sailed, to the same sea, it is always the same, it will never be different. And I have a new name. I am fourteen and I am called “the priest
”.

My brother Desmond bites on the word. “Has the priest gone out? Has he returned? Has he gone away? When will he be home again? How much will it cost this term?
”

My brother Anthony cries “senseless” and my sister, “waste
”.

My garb is now my skin, and I come and go, across the sea and back again. And I come back to the house that grows strange, and I go away from it. My brothers do not like it and I know. I sit in silence, I feel I have not the right to speak. I eat in silence, they watch me. Desmond smiles
.

“
I never could take to black crows,” he said, left the table and went to the door
.

“
One day you will be struck dead for your blasphemy,” my mother said
.

He turned at the door, looked at her. “I shall take good care to look as I am being struck down,” he said. He went out
.

After my mother has gone out I turn to my sister. “Maureen?
”

“
Yes, dear?
”

“
What have I done?
”

“
Done? Nothing, Peter, nothing. Why?
”

“
I thought I had committed a crime, I mean being where I am, doing what mother wanted me to do.
”

“
It is not your fault, dear. Forget it.
”

“
Forget what?
”

“
The whole thing.
”

I am fond of my sister, often I leaned upon her. I leaned now. “What whole thing, Maureen? Tell me, what is it? Why am I hated now?
”

“
Nobody hates you, dear, don't be so silly about it. You see Desmond and Anthony don't like it, it's the cost. To everybody.
”

“
The cost?
”

“
The cost.
”

“
How much, Maureen, how much?
”

“
What do you think?
”

“
Who will pay, Maureen?
”

“
God only knows, I don't. You see, dear, things have happened. Anthony is now out in the world, he's changed, so has Desmond. Let me whisper something in your ear,” and she drew very close to me. Her skin was so soft, her hair silken, scented. “It is not fair to father.
”

I catch each word, I hide it away, lock it up. In another place, where it is quiet, where there is but one road, one will, one wish, there, I can take them out, examine them, it is too soon to understand
.

My father's life grows out of my sister's mouth. She builds a ship in this room, I see it, she sees it, and in the deepest part the roaring answer is fire. “He is there,” she said, “down there. Always there, day after day, night after night, because a ship must move. Listen to the roar of the fire.
”

And I listened, and for the first time in my life I know what lies inside the ship that sails
.

“
And there's no
bloody
end to it,” my sister said
.

“
End?
”

She threw her arms around me, hugged me. “Poor Peter. You're too young, you don't understand, but you will, you will.” It made me smile. She was so young herself. It's all right for mother to say what you shall be, but it costs money. “What shall I do, Maureen? Mother begged me, I couldn't refuse, I hated to, it was something that she wanted. I was glad, mother's so sad, so terribly sad. Perhaps we should never have come away to this city.” She kissed me. “Don't worry your little head,” she said
.

It was not the answer, it was not enough. The days pass, the months, a whole year. I study, I work hard, for Mother
.
For nobody else. “I will die here.” The words toll in my ear
.

“
Maureen?” She looks at me with such wide-open eyes that I might be going to ask her the most important question in the world
.

“
Well?
”

I seem to be looking at my sister as though for the first time. I am suddenly aware of her age, of her mass of red hair, and her near-to-black eyes, and I look down to the hands that already know about the jute. “Why have we come here?” I asked
.

Her laugh seemed to mock my question. “They say there are two hundred thousand of us here in Gelton. Ask them. They may have the answer, I haven't.
”

“
Do you like your work, Maureen?
”

“
I never ask myself silly questions, and I never answer them either. What I like, I eat, and what I don't like I spit out.
”

“
Mother hates the place.
”

“
It's always Mother, isn't it? What about Father?
”

Yes, what about him. But I haven't the answer, I see him so little, always away, a stranger in the family
.

“
Did you want to come here?” I said
.

“
Did you?
”

“
I don't know.
”

“
Then neither do I. You like being at the seminary?
”

“
Yes.
”

“
You wish to be a priest?
”

“
You don't like my being there?
”

“
Desmond doesn't, nor does Anthony, and I expect father doesn't either, but he says nothing. Do you know what I really think, Peter?
”

“
What?
”

“
It's crazy.
”

The door opened and Mother came in. Immediately Maureen got up and walked out. Mother sat down, she did not look at me, but into the fire. “Your father is a good man, Peter.
”

“
I know that, Mother. I know it.
”

“
He does his best for us all.
”

“
I know that, too.
”

She turned and looked at me. “But he has returned to his ship an angry man.
”

“
Why, Mother?
”

“
Ask your brothers, your sister,” she said
.

“
But if you say it is the right thing, it is the right thing,” I said. She made no reply. I left her by the fire, I went up to my room. I sat there, numbed, I knew then that they were beginning to hate me
.

“Tell me about this woman,” Father Anselm said, and his voice came to me as from the ocean's distance. I sat up quickly.

“She was a moneylender,” I said.

“You were in debt?”

“We were all in debt.”

“Heavily?”

“Up to the hilt. But I never knew, not for a long time. The ground was smooth, the air was calm, I knew nothing. I had been sitting on their backs all the time. My mother hid everything, the secret between us was in the end all her own. I knew it was time to go. I ran away from the seminary, I threw it all away. Even that didn't help. It was too late.”

“What had the woman done to deserve the knife?” he asked. And I was back on the road again, tramping the dream way.

My brother Desmond is a giant, he towers over me. He has met me at the station, a surprise, not asked for, never expected, the one who most dislikes me, for what I am trying to do, for mother's sake
.

“
I want to talk to you,” he said
.

“
Yes, Desmond,” I said
.

“
Let's slip in here. It's quiet, shut off, one cannot talk at home. You understand?
”

“
I understand.
”

“
Listen,” Desmond said, and I listened. “My life is being planned for me, so is Maureen's, Anthony has cleared out. Your own is already planned. Father is forgotten. He doesn't exist. He is merely the bearer to and fro of what he earns. He simply works. I work, Maureen works, and everything is grabbed, sucked up, and then it vanishes. Where? You know. I am not accusing you of anything. I know you are the family favourite. You do what you think is right. I think it's wrong. I am sick and tired of having God Almighty pushed down my throat. And I told her so. She is not only angry, she's terribly distressed about it. We must all be good, obey her orders, we must do what is right. I don't believe in what she believes in.
”

“
You mean the Church?
”

“
My Church is Gelton and it is full of wretches riding on each other's back.
”

“
I am riding on your back.
”

“
If you like it that way,” he said
.

“
What shall I do?
”

“
Give it up.
”

“
Give it up? My God!” I said, “that'll be a terrible blow to Mother. I know it will. I feel sorry for Mother, she never wished to come to this country, never.
”

“
Lots have.
”

“
I can't do it, Desmond. It's the one thing that makes her happy. I'd do anything to break down this sadness she lives with, she's so lonely, if only you understood.
”

“
I do
.”

“
God Almighty. What is right and what is wrong?
”

“
Ask her,” he said
.

And I dared not ask her. I could only think of the wound, I forgot my brothers, my sister, I even forgot my father
.