Always Conall (Bitterroot #2) (2 page)

But he didn’t.

There had been no words of goodbye, and only his lingering regret echoed in my mind.

I
’m sorry… for everything.

He’d given me no clue where he was headed. He had only left a gaping wound in my heart as he had looked at me one last time and walked out of my life.

And then he was gone.

Five years later…

Sage

I wiped off the little whiteboard, capped my dry erase marker, and raised my hand.

Two hours and fifty-two minutes. The test had just abruptly ended on me, indicating rather rudely that I had completed my first attempt at the NCLEX exam. One more step towards becoming a registered nurse. One more step towards being able to provide for my little girl, to be someone she could be proud of. I was actually pretty proud of myself, too.

Granted, I wasn’t sure if I had passed. The next couple days were going to be killer as I awaited the preliminary results. It was a brutal test, and a queasy sensation ran through me as I wondered how much I’d remembered wrong. Like a mantra, I told myself again and again that I’d gotten excellent grades in nursing school. I’d even earned an A in Anatomy and Physiology, much to the chagrin of many of my other classmates.

But most of them didn’t have the same motivation I did. The little blue-eyed, blonde-haired reminder every day of what I was working towards.

I stepped out of the building into the sunny Montana afternoon. A faint trace of smoke lingered in the air from the forest fires in the region, typical for late summer around Bitterroot. Fires in the mountains near us, fires in Idaho and Washington. The smoke followed the jet stream and often landed smack dab in our little valley.

A little giggle caught my attention, and I looked across the street from the testing center towards the park to see Mattie swinging high, a squeal of giggles erupting each time Kian gave her a hearty push. Brynn stood at the other side of the swing set, grabbing at her little feet like she was ‘
gonna get
’ the tips of Mattie’s little tennie runners every time she got close.

I’m not sure what I’d have done without the support from Brynn and Kian. Even when Brynn was in the hospital, she was a lifeline for me. It was almost like her and Kian had adopted Mattie and
I, giving us both the security we’d been missing for so long.

Brynn saw me coming and waved, walking around the swings to give me a hug.

“So, how’d you do?” she asked.

“I sorta feel like I’m gonna throw up,” I groaned. “Part of me thinks I did
good. Sort of. Unless I think about it too much.”

“I
’m sure you did awesome,” Brynn smiled, “but even getting to this point is a major accomplishment.”

“I know, I know,” I replied. “I’ve got to just
not
think about it for a while.”

A little body crashed into me with a sweet yelp of “Mommy!” as my daughter hugged my leg. “Time for ice cream now?” she asked with a crooked grin.

“Yeah, monkey,” I laughed before I looked over at Brynn. “I think I need about a gallon or so. The fudgier the better.”

We strolled towards the parking lot, making our way towards my dumpy little green Ford Taurus where it sat beside Brynn’s much nicer Monte Carlo. If I did pass and got a bump in pay at the hospital, my first purchase was totally going to be a new car. My little death trap was almost more of a hindrance than a help. I was almost afraid to take it on the highway at this point.
Especially when I had such precious cargo in it with me. Hopefully it wouldn’t be much longer.

As I opened the back door to help Mattie into her seat, I saw a taxi stop in front of the hotel next to the small park. A lone man climbed out of the backseat just before I started to turn away.
Tall, broad shoulders, with his back to me. He wore military fatigues with a hat pulled low on his forehead, and very short dark hair was visible low on the back of his head. The driver helped him retrieve his standard issue Army bag from the trunk, and the guy thanked him before turning to slowly peruse the city streets. As he turned towards me and I could see his features, I froze.

Time had changed him. Gone was the lanky frame, replaced with thick, bulky muscle, but the features comprising his face remained more or less the same. Those coffee-brown eyes locked onto mine, revealing a moment of wonder as the recognition reflected in them.

The next thing I knew, I was walking towards him, autonomous and unthinking. Slowly and dreamlike, as though I had no control over my movements.

All I knew was that Conall was standing there.

I had no idea where he’d been. I hadn’t even known if he was even still alive. But now, five years after he had walked away from me, he was back. As I got closer, tears blurred my vision. He set his bag down, and my arms lifted. I was suddenly pulled tightly against him, held close in a strong hug. Smelling his skin and feeling his breath brush against the downy hairs escaping from my ponytail.

Conall
.

Oh my God
.

“Sage,” he murmured into my hair. His voice sounded almost dazed.

I buried my face into his neck and a small sob slipped from my lips as he quietly uttered my name. That sound had haunted me for years, and I hadn’t heard it in so fucking long. My heart squeezed painfully and, for a second, the entire world around us completely disappeared. I couldn’t talk. My brain refused to register anything except his presence, something I’d thought was gone forever.

And then I heard Brynn’s shout.

“Mattie! Come back, sweetie.”

Mattie
.

Oh my God
.

I pulled my face back wondering how I was going to do this.
How was I going to explain Mattie
?

Holy shit
.

And then Conall’s expression changed from incredulous to pained right as I heard my daughter – his daughter – yell up at him.

“Let go of my mommy!”

Conall

The shock of seeing Sage again had my mind whirling. And here was this little girl shouting and kicking at me as a lovely blonde woman ran over to murmur something in the little girl’s ear. A big, grouchy-looking guy followed, eyeing me suspiciously. Meanwhile, Sage seemed to be having the same difficulty comprehending this situation that I was. She’d gone completely rigid, staring at me with wide blue eyes and her mouth gaping open.

The blonde murmured to the child in a calming voice when the little girl, looked up at her and said very clearly, “Brynn, he made my mommy cry.”

That time it hit me.

Mommy
.

She was talking about Sage.

Holy fuck
. Sage had a kid.

Sage let go of me and wiped her eyes before turning to the little mini Sage. Because, once I looked at the kid, it was obvious. She looked exactly like Sage had when she was little.
A blonde puff of hair and big, blue eyes. Sage’s hair had darkened around the time she’d started high school, now more of a chestnut brown, but this kid looked just like the Sage I knew so very long ago.

“Mattie, sweetie… why don
’t you, Brynn, and Kian go back to the swings for a few minutes.” She looked up at the blonde woman, apparently this was Brynn, and asked, “Can you take her back to the park?”

Brynn eyed me for a minute, looking back and forth between Sage and
I, before she responded.

“How about we just meet you at Dairy Queen.
We’ll take your car since Mattie’s seat is in it, and you can drive over in mine when you’re…done. That will give you a little chance to… um… yeah.”

Sage handed her keys to Brynn, and looked down at the worried-looking little girl.

Mattie
.

“Go with Brynn and Kian, okay, monkey?”

“But Mommy—”

“Mommy’s fine. I just need to talk to my friend for a few minutes, okay?”

With a small pout, Mattie allowed Brynn to pull her away, back down the block to their cars. The looming presence of who I could only guess to be Kian remained. The hair bristled on the back of my neck.
Was this Mattie’s dad
?
Sage’s husband
?
Hmm… no ring. Boyfriend maybe
? She certainly hadn’t wasted any time, either way to have a kid that size already. She had to be at least two or three.

Refusing to be intimidated, I drew up to my full height, not quite as tall as this guy, but fairly close.

“Kian?” the blonde woman called from the car. He turned to look at her, then down at Sage.

“It’s okay,” Sage murmured. “You can go with them.”

“You sure?” he asked, looking pointedly back at me before facing her again.

“
It’s fine, Kian. Really,” she said.

With another hard look at me, he handed Sage a set of keys and stepped back, turning to walk to the car.

I looked down at Sage. She’d changed a lot over the years, but I could see Sage. That same girl I’d known for so long. That little shadow that followed Matt and I everywhere.

Matt
.

Mattie
.

“You named her after your brother,” I softly said.

Her watery eyes rose to meet mine, and the bright blue cut right into my heart. She nodded a little and bit her lip, taking a deep breath.

“So, um…” Her voice trailed off nervously.

“Listen, I’m sorry that was weird just now. With that Kian guy. He looks like a nice guy, like he cares about you a lot. I don’t want him to think I’m trying to move in on his girl or anything, so—”

For a second, Sage’s brow knitted in confusion. “Wait, what?” she asked.
“Kian? You thought he…” She shook her head and huffed out an uncomfortable, caustic laugh. “He’s Brynn’s boyfriend.”

“So, who’s Mattie’s dad then?” I asked, a little harsher than I meant to. But, honestly, as much as I hated admitting it, I was a little bit jealous. The last time I’d seen her, she told me she loved me. She
’d sobbed and pleaded for me to love her back. Yes, that was five fucking years ago and, yes, I’d thrown it back in her face and walked away. But, there was a possessive pull towards her. Still. After all this time.

Sage blinked for a minute, her breathing halted. Then, in a rush, she answered.

“It’s you.”

Sage

I’d known Conall my entire life.
Ever since I could remember. His mom and him had lived right next door, and my brother and him had been friends since they were little kids. I had seen Conall happy, angry, protective, hurt, frightened, and frustrated.

But I’d never seen him look so shocked. His face paled and he stumbled back. This boy who was now a man, who had always known exactly what to say, was totally speechless.

“Me? What the fuck? Are you sure?” he hoarsely whispered.

My heart pounded rapidly as I narrowed my gaze at him. “Considering you were the only guy I had
ever
had sex with… yeah, I’m sure.”

“We were only together that one time…” His voice trailed off as the denial set in. I knew that same denial. I’d felt it when I realized I was pregnant.
After that cold day on the bank. After he’d left me.

But at the same time, the surprise at seeing him had begun to wear off. Replacing it was a brittle anger that was easier to deal with than the loneliness I’d felt f
or so long. So much easier than confronting the nagging, aching loss and sense of abandonment.

“You know, it’s funny,” I stoically responded. “It doesn’t really take that much.”

His strong jaw snapped shut and clenched.

I sighed. “Not quite the homecoming you were expecting, I guess.”

“You should have told me,” he muttered quietly.

Incredulously, I gaped at him. “How was I supposed to do that, Conall? You
left me
. I had no idea where you were… if you were even still alive.” My hands came to rest on my hips as I fought the fury building inside me. “What the fuck?”

“Sage,” he growled in warning,
“knock that shit off.”

“What shit?
”

“
All that swearing.”

“
You’re mad that I said
fuck
? Seriously?”

“Yes, you never talk like that,” he ground out.

“How the
fuck
do you know? You’ve been
fucking
gone for five
fucking
years! You may not have
fucking
realized it, but I’ve had to
fucking
grow up pretty
fucking
fast. So
fuck you
!”

The two of us just stared at each other for a few minutes, an uncomfortable silence around us. I swear even the damn birds had quit chirping.

Finally, Conall tipped back his hat and exhaled a long breath that dropped his shoulders. A shattered flicker of emotion crossed his face before he looked off to the side. In that second, I regretted my childish outburst. My anger quickly faded as I could practically see his mind reeling with this situation.

“I realize this is kind of a shock,” I offered guiltily.

“I just… I don’t even… damn, I don’t even know what to say.”

“If it helps, I don’t really either. And I’ve been planning this reunion for five years.”

After another lengthy silence, he looked at me. “Do you need anything? Help with… bills or… food or… kid stuff?”

“Instead of having this conversation right now, when you
just
got here,” I shrugged awkwardly, “maybe we should meet up after you’re settled. Have a talk. In spite of how I just came uncorked, I’m not really mad at you. I’ve had a while to come to grips with all this. You maybe need a little time to toss this over in your head, too.”

“But—”

“Conall,” I interrupted, “we’re not starving and we’re not homeless. There’s no huge emergency to sort this out, and, honestly, it might be better to do it after some of your shock has worn off.”

His brow furrowed. He didn’t like this. He knew I was right, but he didn’t like it. Finally, he nodded.

“Are you staying here?” I asked motioning to the hotel.

He nodded again.
“Yeah, my mom’s house went back to the bank after she took off.”

“Conall?”
I said in an uncertain voice, and his rich, brown eyes met mine. My mouth went dry, and I cleared my throat nervously. “How about I give you my number? You can take some time to digest this and then give me a call.”

“Um, yeah…” Conall pulled his cell phone from his pocket and flipped through a few screens, entering the number I gave him. Then, he stared at the phone for a minute before he shut it off. “Shit,” he muttered as he looked back at me, “you should probably have mine, too.”

“Just send me a text or something. I know where you live…” I nodded my head towards the hotel, “or something like that.”

His eyebrows knit again as he gave me a long look. “I wish I would have known.”

A familiar pang tightened across my heart and my throat contracted with a sudden, panicky ache.
Fuck
. I had to get out of there. “I know.” I turned and started back to Brynn’s car. “I’ll talk to you later, Conall,” I softly said over my shoulder.

Sage

As I sat down in the booth next to Brynn at Dairy Queen, I put on a brave face and smiled at Mattie who was delving into a Oreo Blizzard. Oh to be four years old again. To have the simplicity and to feel secure that someone was going to take care of me.

Brynn nudged me with her shoulder. “You okay?” she murmured under her breath.

I gave her a quick nod, swallowing hard. I was starting to realize just what had happened.

Conall was here
.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to hide. I wanted to drink. I wanted to… wrap my arms around him and never let go. My pulse felt erratic, and my thoughts jumbled around in my brain. I felt like a hyperactive, bipolar schizophrenic on crack.

“Was that who I think that was?” Brynn asked.

Another wordless nod.
I didn’t quite trust myself to speak just yet. For a few minutes, everyone was quiet. I released a long, slow breath, and offered Brynn and Kian a weak smile.

Kian knitted his brow as he studied my inner battle. “Do I need to kick his ass?” he quietly growled.

I smiled sorrowfully and cleared my throat. “That’s okay, Kian. Thanks for the offer, but I think I’ve got it under control.”

Mattie looked up at us quizzically as she slurped the sweet dessert from her spoon.

“How’s your Blizzard, monkey?” I asked her, desperate to talk about something else… anything else. I didn’t want to lose it in front of my kid.

“Nummy,” she grinned back. “It’s Oreo.”

“Well, of course it is,” I said with a slight smile that I really didn’t feel.

“Want some?” Her pudgy little kid fingers held a slobbery spoonful out towards me.

“Mmm… no thanks,” I quickly assured her, wrinkling my nose. “Mommy’s tummy is kinda upset all of a sudden. I think I just want a pop.”

“I’ll come with you,” Brynn said as I stood beside the booth. “I could use a soda, too.”

As we stood in the line waiting for our turn to place an order, I let down my guard a little. My heart still hadn’t quit the crazy palpitations that started the instant I saw Conall’s eyes look into mine. My breathing still felt shallow and ragged. My body battled the after effects of a rush of adrenaline, leaving me weak and unsteady.

“So, where’s he been?” Brynn asked quietly as she watched me closely.

“Not sure,” I murmured with a shrug. My throat felt tighter with every word. “Some form of military, I’d imagine, guessing by his camo Army guy clothes.”

She put her arm around my shoulder, rubbing my arm. “Does he know?”

“I had to tell him,” I nodded. “It was kind of hard not to, especially after Mattie went all kung fu and called me mommy.”

“What? He couldn’t figure it out on his own?” Brynn asked. “It’s not like the math is that hard. You guys did the nasty five years ago, and you have a four-year-old kid.”

“He’s a guy, Brynn,” I argued, a little pissy that I was standing up for him, but too overwhelmed to really care. “I’m not sure I’d be able to tell a little kid’s age in a lot of instances, and a guy who’s never really been around kids much? Shit, that’s hopeless.”

“I suppose.”

I looked over at her nervously. “He’s a little freaked out, I’m afraid.”

“That’s probably good. Clearly, so are you. Kian is trying to stay calm, but if that fucker didn’t care, I’m not sure we could hold Kian back. He’s rather protective.”

I raised a sarcastic eyebrow. “No way,” I joked in an attempt to lighten the mood. But my tone sounded flat. “I’d have never guessed.”

“Make fun all you want, but he’s going to be pretty owly about this guy until things are figured out.”

“Well, he may not stick around,” I sadly murmured. “He left me before…” My voice trailed off as we reached the head of the line, almost choking with the thick knot that had developed in my throat. Sensing my unstable emotional turmoil, Brynn ordered a Diet Coke for myself and another for her.

“By the way,” Brynn quietly said as we headed back to the table with our drinks, “not to give you something else to worry about, but Kian wants to take a look at your car. He said something about the transmission acting a bit off.”

“I can’t think about that right now, Brynn. Besides, it just has to get me through another month or so until I know what my future at the hospital is.”

“Well, be prepared. He won’t accept that for an answer. He worries about you guys.”

A little friend of Mattie’s from preschool had arrived and the two little girls were animatedly
oohing
and
ahhing
over the friend’s new little Princess Celestia toy, stroking the My Little Pony’s mane reverently.

“Mommy, can we go play ponies in the grass out front?” Mattie asked.

“Yeah, but don’t eat any of the grass this time, okay? And stay right out in front of this window,” I pointed to the window beside our booth, “where we can see you.”

Mattie giggled. “Okay, Mommy,” she called.

“Mattie?” I called right before they raced out the swinging glass door.

“Stranger danger,” she hollered over her shoulder, seeming way older than her four little years. “I know,
I know
.” Then she looked over at her friend and I heard her mutter as the door closed behind them. “Gosh, I’m not a baby…” Of course, she said this as though it was the bane of her existence.

I sipped my pop and gazed though the window, watching their imagination take hold. It would appear that Mattie was sprouting some form of glittery wings, and her little friend was showing her how to fly. I could hear the faint chatter, not enough to understand a word, but just right to catch the squeals of excitement.

“So,” Kian broke my silence, “is this guy going to give you shit, Sage?”

I pulled my gaze away from my own living, breathing entertainment system to answer him.

“I don’t know,” I hoarsely whispered. “I haven’t heard a word from him since he left years ago. It’s hard to say what kind of person he even is now.”

“What’s his name?
” Brynn asked. “I’m guessing his last name is McAllister like Mattie, but I don’t think you’ve ever told me his first name.” She was now sitting where Mattie had been, beside Kian across from me, and this positioning gave me the sensation of being grilled. A wee bit uncomfortable, yet also secure because I knew these two really had my and Mattie’s best interests at heart. That thought soothed my jagged nerves, making me feel a little less alone.

“Conall,” I whispered. I hadn’t said his name since the day Mattie had been born. Since I’d held her, alone and scared in the hospital. That night, I’d looked down into her perfect little face and sobbed with his name on my lips, desperately wishing he was there with me. Shaking myself out of the past, I took a deep breath and looked out the window to watch Mattie play. “I’ve prayed and wished… wanted him home for so long. Now he is, and it sorta freaks me out. No matter what, this is going to be hard. If he wants her…” I shook my head sadly.
“…or even if he doesn’t. It was all an accident after all.”