Along Wooded Paths (29 page)

Marianna cried too, at the pain in her mother’s heart. Is that how Mem saw God—as someone who watched and waited for her to fail so He could judge her?

Growing up she heard the whispers among the women, speaking of someone who’d gone astray. “She’d better watch it now” or “They better live right or else.” Marianna hadn’t really thought too much about those comments. She thought them to be just sayings, but if this was what Mem truly believed . . .

The past opened up as if it were on a scroll, unrolling inside her thoughts. All Marianna had grown up with now made sense. Her mem had been distant from her, not wanting to show favoritism. Dat had explained that on the train. But there was something more Dat hadn’t understood. Mem believed her sin had caused her daughters’ deaths. A cry forced its way from Marianna’s throat and emerged from her lips. “No, Mem. You can’t believe that—”

Her mother pushed back, wiped her tears with her fingertips, and then looked into Marianna’s face. “I know every sin brings judgment, but I know something else too. Something I wish I’d known sooner.” Mem reached up and stroked Marianna’s face, making her feel five again.

“What, Mem?”

“I know now that I shouldn’t have even let my mind and my heart wander. I should have trusted God more.” Mem reached down and took Marianna’s hands into her own. “God created each of us. We know that. It’s a foundation for our beliefs. And He placed us in a family. He chose my parents to raise me.” Mem squeezed. “What I realized, what I finally learned—and the reason I walked away from Mark and walked toward a life with your father—is this truth. If God wanted me to be Englisch, He would have birthed me into another family. He can do anything, Marianna. He can choose whatever family He likes. Staying Amish is trusting God’s ways are best. There are things I question about our faith, everyone has those questions. But God has called me here for a purpose. My days have been spent trying to follow Him the best I could.”

Marianna studied Mem’s face, knowing the words she spoke came from deep in her heart. Marianna couldn’t remember another time Mem had been so frank, so real. She also said these things because she feared her daughter would make the same mistake. But was caring for Ben a mistake?

Marianna still wasn’t sure. It didn’t feel like a mistake, but then again, when could one’s feelings be trusted? What she did know was that she had a lot of thinking to do. A lot of praying.

The churning in Marianna’s gut also told her she’d been far from fair concerning Aaron. She hadn’t given herself time to get to know him—not really. He’d been in her home and she hadn’t taken full advantage to really get to know his heart.

Maybe that was the purpose of him being here. Maybe the accident happened so she wouldn’t walk away from God’s designed plan.

“I’m sorry I blubbered on.”

Marianna rose and shook her head. “I’m thankful you’ve opened up to me. I needed to hear these things. But you have to know that Marilyn and Joanna, their deaths are not your fault. You—”

From the bedroom next door, Joy’s cry split the air. Mem rose. She wiped her face again and placed a hand on Marianna’s shoulder. “I know.”

But as Mem hurried away, Marianna had a feeling she didn’t know. Well, maybe she knew it with her head, but not with her heart. Marianna let out a low shuddering breath. Mem carried so much with her still. No wonder she didn’t want her daughter to get too close to an Englischman. She knew the cost of such a mistake.

Dear Journal,

I heard a confession today I’m finding hard to believe. I won’t mention the person’s name because I don’t want this journal to be picked up by someone and have her secret there for all to see, but it was something I’d never guessed.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget there was a past before we existed. More than most people, we Amish know about our ancestors. We heard the stories of their seeking and their persecution. We understand their desire to follow God and not the ways of the world. Yet sometimes it’s those closest to us who we do not understand. We are quick to display our right living on the outside, but hide what’s hurting most deep within.

Am I doing the same? I have to ask myself. The answer I’m afraid is yes. If I were to live what my heart tells me, I wouldn’t be following the ways of those who’ve gone before me—not completely any way. I never thought I’d ever face this battle. I had everything planned. Yet the planning means nothing when one’s heart feels like it’s ripping in two.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

Not long after Dat left for work, Ellie was the first one awake. She wandered downstairs holding notebook paper and crayons. Marianna made her toast, but Ellie wasn’t interested. So Marianna sat at the table and watched her little sister draw a picture of a family. Their family, she guessed. She noticed the brown fluffy creature she assumed was Trapper.

“Is that Mem and Dat?” Marianna point to the man with the beard and the woman with the kapp.

Ellie giggled.
“Nein.
Yer silly.”

So, not their family. Marianna glanced to the couch where Aaron slept. “Is that Aaron?” Aaron had blond hair not brown, but Ellie was only three.

“
Nein
. Ben.”

“Ben?”

“
Ja
.”

“But Ben doesn’t have a beard.”

“He will. When you get married.”

Marianna looked to Aaron again, just to make sure he slept. Then she leaned closer to Ellie. “But Ellie, I’m not going to marry Ben.”

“
Ja
. Ben lobes you.”

“
Nein
, he doesn’t, Ellie. He’s just a friend.”

“Uncle Ike says he should.”

“Uncle Ike said that? Were they talking about this yesterday when they were upstairs with you?”

Ellie nodded. “I say yes!” Ellie put down her crayon and stood on the wooden bench. Marianna laughed and pulled Ellie into her arms. The little girl giggled, but Marianna struggled to understand. What had Uncle Ike been thinking? If anything, he should have discouraged Ben.

She prepared to probe for more details when she heard movement behind her. Aaron sat up, reaching for his crutches. His face wore a scowl. As bad as it sounded, she hoped the scowl was because his leg ached and not because he’d had heard their conversation.

He rose and, movements slow, made his way to the small, indoor bathroom. Before he was halfway across the room a new thought hit her. Would Ben become Amish? Was that why Ellie drew him with a beard? Had Ben and Uncle Ike talked about him growing one? Very few Englisch joined their church, but she’d heard it being done.

Did Ben love her enough for that? Would he give up all comforts to win her heart?

No, it was impossible. No matter how Ben tried, he could never be Amish. He’d have to give up his music, and she could never ask that. Besides, a wonderful Amish man loved her. She needed to remember that. God had already given her what she desired.

Still holding Ellie, Marianna watched Aaron cross the room. He was a good man. He would make a wonderful husband. He was what she needed.

Marianna pulled Ellie tighter into her arms, remembering how Ben had held her last night as he’d said good-bye . . .

She pulled her rebellious thoughts back into line. “It’s Aaron.” Her whispered words were firm. “It’s been him all along. And it will always be him.”

Two hours later Marianna’s lips curled into the slightest smile as she washed up the breakfast dishes. She was thankful she had a later shift today. It had given her time to spend with the kids before rushing off. It had also given her time to make Aaron a nice breakfast, including a breakfast casserole—and he’d come back for second and third helpings. That was
gut
. Maybe doing that for Aaron helped make up for what happened the other day with Ben. It helped her feel better, anyways.

It was a beautiful walk to work. The sun was bright. Yesterday the snow had been wet and mushy, like half-melted ice cream, but today all those ridges and swirls had frozen solid.

It was only a week before Thanksgiving, so a long winter still stretched ahead. Even so, today’s sun was a pleasant break, though it gave no warmth to the air.

She enjoyed the snow, despite the chill. When spring came, she was going to miss this. Either the snow was going to leave, or she was. Maybe both. Walking the snowy road to work had become her time to dwell on what was on her heart and mind. The snow muted the world, in a way, making her thoughts louder. And when she prayed, she dared to make her words to God louder too—her voice lifting through the tree branches splayed over the road.

The wind picked up as she went along, and Marianna walked with brisk steps, her teeth clattering. A cold fog filled the air, as if clouds had left the sky and decided to hang around on the ground for a while. The sunlight she’d so appreciated was first muted, then blocked off.

So much for her nice walk.

A rumble of a truck’s engine met her ears even before she could see it. She stepped to the side, partly climbing a hill to get out of the road. But instead of moving past, the truck stopped.

Her heart pounded and she turned—Ben? But no. This was a large, brown truck. Edgar’s smiling face peered from over the steering wheel. He motioned for her to get in.

She moved to the door, yanking on it to open it.

“Jump in. I’ll give you a ride before you freeze that bonnet to your head.”

She didn’t have to be asked twice.

“Thank you, Edgar, I appreciate it.” After slamming the door shut, she pulled her mittens off her hands and then blew into her hands, warming them.

“At least it’s warmer than yesterday, and it was sunny then! Why doesn’t the sun bring heat?”

Edgar put the truck into gear. “It does, but what the clouds bring is insulation. Like a blanket in the sky, they keep the heat on the ground.” Edgar shook his head. “I hear folks at the store complaining all the time about the clouds, but sometimes they don’t realize that’s what’s helping them.”

“We all do that, I think,” Marianna said as the truck turned, heading onto the main road to the store. “We complain about what we have, not realizing the alternative could be worse. Far worse.”

Like her. She’d been complaining that she cared for two men, and they cared for her. It could be worse. She could have no one to share her love.

But you don’t have to worry any longer. Now you have one man to care for. You’ve made your choice, and it’s right.

That was true. And yet . . . she still couldn’t make the ache go away. She looked out the window.

Ben was leaving today. The thought pierced her through. Maybe he’d already left. His absence was like the clouds closing in. Yes, in a way he’d made life more difficult for her, as she battled her conflicted feelings. But Ben had brought a warmth to her life and heart. A warmth unlike any she’d ever known. A warmth she couldn’t explain.

Like the clouds, he’d been a protecting presence. And she’d miss that, even though the sun continued to shine.