Almost Like Being in Love (9 page)

Gordon, it might be a good idea for you to seek more appropriate representation elsewhere.

You have three weeks to change my mind. Govern yourself accordingly.

Very truly yours,

Henry A. Duboise

FROM THE DESK OF

Gordon Duboise

Pop:

This is a love story. It’s about an interracial marriage. And since when did Universal start reading scripts? You should have slapped a new title page on Code Name Shapiro and sold it to them again.

ARGOSY ENTERTAINMENT

Literary Representatives

LOS ANGELES

NEW YORK

TORONTO

LONDON

Don’t press your luck, Gordon. Just because they bought it three times already doesn’t mean you can turn it into a cottage industry.

And what do you know from interracial? Until you were eight years old you thought that black people came from employment agencies.

Gordon, please. I’m an old man. I gave you love. I gave you a home. I gave you all the support you ever needed.

FROM THE DESK OF

Gordon Duboise

Bullshit. You divorced my mother and sent me to boarding school.

ARGOSY ENTERTAINMENT

Literary Representatives

LOS ANGELES

NEW YORK

TORONTO

LONDON

To build your character. Now it’s built. Give me a goddamned love story.

FROM THE JOURNAL OF

Travis Puckett

Up until the Magic Moment, it was a day that had disaster written all over it. First the laundry was delivered with one sock missing, which is enough to throw me off balance for at least a month. (Do you get rid of the other one too, or just let it lie there mocking you every time you open the drawer?) Then came breakfast when I discovered that Gordo had not only invaded my half of the kitchen again but broken the Paper Towel Rule on top of it. '“When we get down to three rolls, buy more. I don’t like eating into the buffer.”) Finally, there was lunch with Andrea Fox and the dean—a last-ditch effort on our part to convince him that (a) the Alexander Hamilton book proposal was worth the $30,000 grant, and

'b( I’m really not pathological. By the time the entrees had arrived, Andrea had almost succeeded in the former and was establishing a beachhead on the latter when she caught me lining up the ends of my asparagus and stabbed me in the thigh with a fork. None of this was lost on Dean Koutrelakos, who decided instead to use the money for fifteen new toilets in Bovard Hall. Which means I get to finance the book myself on $941, a T-bill I’m not allowed to touch, and two Happy Meal coupons from Denny’s. Thank God Gordo’s rich.

GORDO: Kewl. I never had a kept boy before.

TRAVIS: If you’re going to put it that way, just drop it. Nothing’s worth a word picture like that.

So it was in my Scarlett O’Hara “As God Is My Witness I’ll Never Go Hungry Again” mode that I reached into my campus mailbox and found it—squished between an American Express statement, a third payment notice for a barium enema I never had, and my May issue of the Advocate.

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

UNIVERSITY PARK • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90007

Doheny Library

Faculty Research Request

DATE: April 23, 1998

FROM: Travis Puckett

DEPARTMENT: History

BUILDING/ROOM: VKC/223

MATERIALS NEEDED

Your phone number.

SPECIAL INSTRUCTIONS

You couldn’t begin to guess.

Travis, this is your last warning. I’m only human—and even though you’re
not exactly a hunklet, on a Cute Scale of 1-to-10, you’re an easy 12. So don’t
push me. You really don’t want to go there.

Naturally, my next two classes were hell. I named Philadelphia as one of the thirteen colonies, I couldn’t remember what the War of 1812 was about, and I referred to James Madison’s wife as Dolly Levi. If I’d kept it up for another fifteen minutes, their final exams would have ended in a mistrial. But it was worth the anxiety attack when I pumped up the steps to Doheny Library two at a time and made it to the reference room three minutes before he went off duty.

I was out of breath—and he was waiting for me.

PERSONNEL OFFICE

CONFIDENTIAL

Julian Eric Brennan

d.o.b. February 14, 1970, Dubuque, Iowa

Ht. 5'10", Wt. 161; Eyes: Blue; Hair: Lt. brown
Position
: Assistant Librarian

Location
: Doheny Library Reference

Hours
: Monday–Friday 8:30a–4:15p

(The penalty for Xeroxing confidential staff information is swift and merciless—but if they really wanted to enforce the rule, they wouldn’t keep the records room unlocked.)

Evaluation

1. Dubuque is practically around the corner from Field of Dreams, and he was born on Valentine’s Day. 'Good.(

2. He likes Starbucks cappuccino and he wouldn’t let me pay for our cookie. (Very good.)

3. The first book he ever read was
Valley of the Dolls
. (Not so good.)

4. He hates baseball. (Bad.)

5. He prefers “older men.” 'Ouch!(

Okay. This is what’s called a 50-50 shot. Either we wind up spending the rest of our lives together or else it ends the way it always does:
REAL LIFE vs. THE MOVIES

Breaking Up in the Movies

Boy #1: This isn’t working out, is it?

Boy #2: Sort of not, huh?

Boy #1: You can’t say we didn’t try.

Boy #2: We sure did. Besides, we’re still best friends.

Boy #1: Forever.

Boy #2: This is terrific pasta.

Breaking Up for Real

Boy #1: Are you asleep?

Boy #2: Does it sound like it?

Boy #1: I’m sorry about the tuna fish.

Boy #2: It isn’t the tuna fish! It’s the last six months!

Boy #1: You’re an asshole.

Boy #2: Let go of my cock.

Make that 60-40.

3

Craig

CITY OF SARATOGA SPRINGS POLICE DEPARTMENT

POLICE REPORT—MINOR CHILD

Date April 24, 1998

Page 4

NAME
: Noah Kessler

SEX
: M

ADDRESS
: Unknown

AGE
: 10–11

Investigating Officer’s Comments

At 2:26 A.M., we received a radio dispatch advising that the night manager of the downtown Greyhound terminal had reported a small child traveling alone after midnight.

We found the boy in the waiting room, wearing a Utica Blue Sox backpack, a Utica Blue Sox cap, and a Utica Blue Sox jacket. (After that, the bus ticket to Utica came as no surprise.) He attempted to cover his tracks by claiming that his mother was in the ladies’ room; however, on checking out his story, we located only a cleaning woman and a Franciscan nun. So we brought him down to the station.

He gave us no information whatsoever, although an ID tag on his GameBoy identified him as Noah Kessler. He cried just once—when he thought we were taking away his bus ticket—and then stated he wanted to speak to his attorney. In fact a call was placed to Craig McKenna, of McKenna & Webb, at an unlisted home telephone on Loughberry Lake.

McKenna arrived at approximately 3:41 A.M., and the boy was remanded to his custody.

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Craig McKenna

FROM
: Charleen Webb

DATE
: April 24, 1998

SUBJECT
: Calendar and Other Matters

Craig:

1. Judge Costanzo granted the Pioneer Scouts’ motion to dismiss when he found out you were suing them (again) for lighting matches in a state park. His telephonic ruling: “Jesus H. Christ, Charleen! That’s what makes them pioneers!” This is the third time, Craig. What were you expecting—a toaster?

2. Your mother called from St. Louis. She says to tell you that Alma Colson’s son just opened his own practice. He’s a urologist. She wants you to come home for the holidays and have dinner with him because she’s convinced he’ll sweep you off your feet. What does she think you and Clayton have been up to for the last twelve years?

3. I have a 2:30 deposition in Lindborg vs. Bluecover, but I need to be out of here by 5:00. If it runs over (and it will—according to Martindale-

Hubbell, defense counsel hasn’t stopped talking since 1946(, can you cover for me? Derek is taking me to a white-collar crime seminar

'orchids are obviously optional( on what’s destined to be both our fourth date and our last. Once he’d reenacted his allegedly hilarious moot court trial (he misplaced an interrogatory and Bunny Bixler stepped on a ping pong ball), there was nothing left to talk about. Oh, well. Ex-boyfriends are essentially useless, but at least they prove you haven’t wasted your entire life.

4. No offense, but you look like shit. Have you been fighting with Clayton? Are you having an illicit affair? Did you chain yourself to another of Harvard’s libraries? Were you able to make friends with the SWAT team this time? Or were you chasing Noah Kessler all over Saratoga Springs again?

5. Lunch. Sweet Shop. 12:30. Bring the Hoskot transcripts. Sexual harassment lawsuits are as close as I get to romance these days.

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Charleen

FROM
: Craig

DATE
: April 24, 1998

SUBJECT
: Calendar and Things

Charleen:

1. I didn’t chain myself to Widener Library on purpose. It started out as a simple rock concert that turned into a routine protest—the riot wasn’t my fault. Did you expect me to keep my mouth shut? Harvey Milk was dead and nobody was doing a damned thing about it. And by the way, that was twenty years ago. Get over it.

2. I concede that the Pioneer Scouts loyally uphold the Constitution of the United States—that yellowed piece of parchment in the National Archives that proves beyond a reasonable doubt that this country was invented for rich, white, upper-class, Anglo-Saxon Protestant, heterosexual men. Everybody else needed an amendment. The Saratoga Springs Scout chapter contains no African Americans, no Latinos, no Jews, and no Democrats. Furthermore, when they found out that one of their 14-year-olds had a boyfriend, they bounced him out on his ass and took back all nine merit badges. But they’re protected by their nonprofit “go fuck yourself” status, so the only thing I can actually prove is that they were lighting matches in a state park—which by the way violates four municipal codes and two federal statutes. If I have to drag in Bambi to nail their asses to the wall, I’ll do it.

3. My mother claims she didn’t raise her son to settle down with a construction foreman who operates his own hardware chain. Even with the M.B.A. from Harvard. But it’s not really the blue-collar thing that crawled up her ass. She and Clayton haven’t agreed on anything since she found out he makes more money than she does.

4. I’ll handle the depo, but the party for your windbag ends at 6:00 P.M.

on the button. Clay’s got something up his sleeve tonight that I’m not supposed to know about. I think he’s going to give me the wedding ring that you probably helped him pick out. Judging by the travel brochures he keeps hiding from me, he’s planning a honeymoon in either Denmark or Canada or one of those other arsenals of democracy that’ll allow us to register as groom and groom. 'It won’t mean shit to the IRS when we come home, but at least we’ll be legal somewhere.) So how come it always makes him edgy whenever I organize a teensy little Freedom to Marry march on Washington?

5. It’s Noah again. This time I found him down at the Third Precinct after they’d caught him at the bus station with a one-way ticket to Utica in his pocket. Evidently his mother and her new husband went to Germany for eight weeks to spy on the Mueller automotive plants (I didn’t realize he was that Mueller), leaving him with a Teutonic Housekeeper on loan from the Luftwaffe who’s clearly more preoccupied with strafing London than keeping her eye on an 11-year-old runaway.

So I brought him home with me and we called Jody in Utica, who didn’t seem to mind that it was 4:00 A.M. on a game day. Once he’d gotten Noah to stop crying, I put the kid to sleep on the couch in the den. (We still have his pajamas with the Martians on them, left over from his Continental Airlines caper last month.) This morning we made him pancakes with chocolate syrup and then he challenged Clayton to an arm-wrestling tournament. Clayton lost.

Charleen, this boy belongs with his father and everybody knows it.

Even Judge Costanzo. So what are the chances we can swing a custody reversal in Kessler vs. Kessler?

6. Today is Barbra Streisand’s birthday. After you dump Derek, go home and watch Funny Girl.

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE

407 SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Craig

FROM
: Charleen

DATE
: They Call Me Second-Hand Rose

SUBJECT
: Noah

You’re forgetting Mueller Electronics and Mueller Shipyards and Mueller Communications and Mueller Entertainment. Craig, you don’t seem to appreciate the kind of money we’re dealing with here. Did you ever see their house lit up at night? The first time I drove by, I thought it was Syracuse.

The chances of a reversal? You’re joking, right? The mother wears Halston originals, drives a Bentley, owns a Da Vinci, and plays the market. The father wears a jockstrap, drives a scooter, owns a Shell station, and plays first base. Relatively speaking, Craig? Dim. So count me in—but on two conditions: '1( You’re not to leave me alone with Jody Kessler. He makes me very nervous. And (2) Go easy on Judge Costanzo.