Almost Like Being in Love (22 page)

Well, I was sort of thinking about him and I just wanted to find out how he’s doing.

Isn’t that thoughtful of you? He’s doing quite well, actually. He’s a customhouse broker in

Baltimore.

Did he ever get married?

Why don’t I give you his number so you can catch up with him yourself?

WHY YOU’RE A SCHMUCK

Hello?

Is this Dr. McKenna?

Yes.

Doctor, do you have a son named Craig?

Who wants to know?

Doctor, I’m an old friend of his from high school, and I was just wondering—

Do you own a hardware store?

No, ma’am.

Then, yes—I have a son named Craig.

Doctor, if you could just tell me where he lives, maybe a phone number—

What line of work are you in?

I teach American History.

Forget it. He can do better.

Doctor, wait! Please! Just give me a hint! What hemisphere?

* CLICK *

Oh my God. Pay dirt. The big score. Somewhere inside that woman’s head is the address of the only man on earth who knows the way back to Brigadoon. Send her roses. Buy her a new house. Hire somebody to torture it out of her. MAKE HER TALK!

And what the hell does she have against history professors?!

American History 206

Professor Puckett

May 28, 1998

Final Exam

Extra Credit Question

Guys: The right answer is worth ten points. Tell me what I want to hear.

So I got off on the wrong foot with Craig’s mother. These things happen. But she’s still the only lead I have.

What’s the appropriate course of action?

'a( Remember that there’s laws against stalking, so let it go and look for love in the more usual places;

(b) Pay a professional to start a Craig hunt;

(c) Drop everything, drive to St. Louis, take his mother to lunch, and let her see that my heart’s in the right place; (d) Other: _________________.

Final Exam Answers

Extra Credit Question

Ray Sorren

'c( “What hemisphere”?! Why didn’t you just ask her for his fucking jockstrap while you were at it? It worked for Jack the Ripper!

Go to St. Louis, you deadhead. This is what you have a life for. And if you get arrested, we’ll tell them it was our idea.

Doug Hatten

'c( Here’s what it looks like from my end of the bench: you’re about to flip off a $30,000 grant it took you two years to get, you haven’t got any money but you’re blowing it on a crosscountry trip anyway, and for all you know this guy could have changed teams, gotten married, and popped twelve kids out of the oven. Guess what? ow you’re acting dopey enough to be in love. Hit the road, Jack.

Chuck Navarro

'c( I vote for St. Louis because you’re ready to handle it. Know how I know? Go back to multiple choice 'a(. “There’s laws against stalking.”

Wrong. “There are laws against stalking.” Welcome to the Human Fucking Race.

Tony Norris

(c) Duh.

Corey Gambel

(c) But it was a toss-up with 'd(: “Find a shrink.” Then Alexander Hamilton changed my mind. I mean, if he could invent a country and then get himself shot in a duel for something he believed in, the boyfriend thing ought to be a no-brainer. Especially without an asshole like Aaron Burr in the picture. Isn’t this what you’ve been teaching us?

Gary Petrie

'c( I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but you need to hear it.

The only reason I did all those extra-credit reports and cut football practice so we could work on them together was because I just wanted to hang out with you. I guess I knew that nothing was going to happen, but so fucking what? Falling hard for somebody makes you do things you never thought you’d do before. Like pulling off an A in History or finally facing the truth about yourself. Craig’s the one, Travis. Get him back.

Final Grades

Ray Sorren

A

Doug Hatten

A

Chuck Navarro

A

Tony Norris

A

Corey Gambel

A

Gary Petrie

A+

FROM THE JOURNAL OF

Travis Puckett

Reasons not to Go to St.

Reasons to Go to St. Louis

Louis

‚A month ago I was just Travis Puckett

I can’t afford it.

without the ‘Smerko.’ Now I’ve got Bobby Di

It’s irresponsible

Cicco’s autograph and Craig. And no matter

I have a book to write.

what else happens, I’m keeping them both for
The naked carpet cleaner

the rest of my life.‛

is coming on Tuesday.

I might get my heart

.

broken again.

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

UNIVERSITY PARK • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90007

TO
: Andrea Fox

FROM
: Travis Puckett

DATE
: May 29, 1998

RE
: Slight Change in Plans

This is kind of funny when you think about it, but I don’t actually have time to write the book after all. See, I’m leaving for St. Louis in about three hours and I’m not exactly sure when I’ll be back, if I’ll be back, or whether I’m going to be spending the rest of my life in prison 'a dim possibility(. It’s a complicated story, but one not lacking a certain demented charm.

I’ll try to call you from the road. I’m sure we can work this out.

Meanwhile, as long as the $30,000 is just sitting there, could I borrow it?

Travis

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

UNIVERSITY PARK • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90007

TO
: Travis Puckett

FROM
: Andrea Fox

DATE
: May 29, 1998

RE
: I Dare You

Travis:

I hope this is your idea of anal-retentive humor. Because I just convinced twelve very rational men that Tom Sawyer and Shoeless Joe Jackson rewrote the Bill of Rights. And I don’t even know who Shoeless Joe Jackson is.

For your sake, this had better be a mild nervous breakdown.

Otherwise, if you’re not back by July 1, I’ll hunt you down myself. With weapons.

Andrea

P.S.
No, you can’t borrow it!

FROM THE JOURNAL OF

Travis Puckett

THE PUCKETT/DUBOISE DEBATES

TRAVIS: Can you lend me a couple hundred? All I’ve got is $837 and a Neiman-Marcus credit card.

GORDO:What happened to the T-bill?

TRAVIS: It hasn’t matured yet.

GORDO: Look who’s talking.

TRAVIS: Hand me those socks.

GORDO:Where do you think you’re going?!

TRAVIS: St. Louis. All I have to do is convince her I’m not a nut case.

GORDO: But you are!

TRAVIS: That’s easy for you to say. You never kissed him. I just hope it’s not too late.

GORDO: Travis, write to him first. Harvard’ll forward it. All I have to do is send one of my Speedo pictures to the babe in the alumni office and—

TRAVIS: And suppose he doesn’t answer? You think I could survive that? G, if Lambda Legal Defense can spend six years fighting for my domestic partner benefits, the least I can do is use them.

GORDO:What about the grant?

TRAVIS: There’ll be another one.

GORDO: Then take my laptop. If you call and I’m not here, leave me e-mail. This has trouble written all over it.

TRAVIS: Car keys!

GORDO: In your hand. Travis, where did the guts come from all of a sudden?

TRAVIS: Ethel Merman. “Some People.” Trust me on this.

FROM THE DESK OF

Gordon Duboise

Pop:

Remember—you’re the one who wanted a love story: Boy meets boy when they’re both 17. They fall for one another like a ton of bricks. Then they head for college on opposite coasts and never see each other again.

Twenty years later, one of them wakes up and smells the coffee. All he can think about is that first kiss—so he puts his whole life on hold and starts out on a coast-to-coast hunt for the boyfriend.

That’s all you get for now. I don’t want to give away the ending yet.

Will it work?

ARGOSY ENTERTAINMENT

Literary Representatives

LOS ANGELES

NEW YORK

TORONTO

LONDON

If it was boy-girl, it’s been done to death. But this is still a novelty—unless they get Rupert Everett to play it.

I’d have to see a draft.

Gordon, if you’re going to pull a Rock Hudson on me, try to drop a few hints first.

G:

I’m at a Chevron station in West L.A. at the corner of Olympic and Bundy. My timing belt went out. I knew this would happen. But I don’t have time to get it fixed, so I’m leaving the Toyota in a red zone. Please call the Auto Club and ask them to (a) tow it to the top of Mulholland Canyon, and (b) push it off.

There’s a guy here named Brandon with an orange Corvette who says he can take me as far east as Amarillo. Do we know anybody in Texas with a floor I can sleep on?

T

UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

UNIVERSITY PARK • LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA 90007

Doheny Library

DATE: May 29, 1998

DEPARTMENT: History

TO: Prof. Travis Puckett

BUILDING/ROOM: VKC/223

Search Results

Martindale-Hubbell Online provided the following information: Craig S. McKenna, Esq.

McKenna & Webb

A Law Partnership

118 Congress Park, Suite 407

Saratoga Springs, New York 12866

You go, girl.

—Love, Julian

7

Craig

FINAL The Saratoga Courant 25¢

Vol. MCXXII, No. 118 SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK MAY 29, 1998

CURRAN DROPS OUT OF ASSEMBLY RACE

QUITS WHEN GOP REVEALS SCANDAL

ALBANY, MAY 28—Kenneth Curran, Democratic candidate for the New York State Assembly, has withdrawn from the race as a result of Republican allegations that he engaged in sexual misconduct with a 16-year-old girl.

“The Fifth Congressional District doesn’t want a man so morally lacking in character to represent its interests in the State House,”

thundered Republican nominee Patrick Marder in a campaign speech here yesterday.

In response, Curran admitted that the relationship took place, but stated he was 17 years old and a junior in high school at the time.

Nevertheless, his approval ratings plummeted fourteen points overnight in the wake of the breaking scandal.

“Effective immediately, I am no longer a candidate for public office,” he declared at a hastily improvised press conference on Thursday. “I won’t have my wife and children subjected to this kind of nonsense.”

Curran has served on the County Board of Supervisors for six years.

He was the primary architect of the Shelter Project and the Feed-the-Kids Program.

“This is shameful,” charged Saratoga Springs attorney Craig McKenna.

“No one is better qualified than Ken Curran to represent the Fifth District in Albany. If these idiots can get away with something like this, what’s next? Roasting a candidate because he pulled down Margo Somebody’s underpants in nursery school?”

NEW YORK STATE DEMOCRATIC COMMITTEE

ALBANY HEADQUARTERS

151 STATE STREET

ALBANY, NEW YORK 12207

May 29, 1998

VIA FACSIMILE

Craig S. McKenna, Esq.

McKenna & Webb

118 Congress Park, Suite 407

Saratoga Springs, New York 12866

Dear Mr. McKenna:

Please contact me at your earliest convenience regarding the Kenneth Curran matter. As this is an issue of some urgency, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you as soon as possible.

Very truly yours,

Wayne Duvall

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

May 29, 1998

VIA FACSIMILE

Mr. Wayne Duvall

New York State Democratic Committee

151 State Street

Albany, New York 12207

Dear Mr. Duvall:

Thank you for your letter of today’s date. I’ve known Kenny for eleven years and am both shocked and appalled at what appears to be nothing short of an inquisition.

Pursuant to the message I left on your voice mail, I am happy to provide whatever assistance you require.

Very truly yours,

McKenna & Webb

Craig S. McKenna

MCKENNA & WEBB

A LAW PARTNERSHIP

118 CONGRESS PARK, SUITE 407

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NEW YORK 12866

MEMORANDUM

TO
: Charleen

FROM
: Craig

DATE
: May 29, 1998

SUBJECT
: Pressing Matters

1. Did you see my name in the paper this morning? I’m famous!