Almost Heaven (15 page)

Cameron hadn't made it by tonight. Guilt stung like an angry yellow jacket.
I was too harsh. I hurt him. I shouldn't have done that.

It was too late now. As much as she wanted to explain, it wouldn't change the outcome.

Warrior poked his nose over the gate, sad eyes beseeching.

“You're looking lonely.” Kendra stroked his warm velvet nose. “I know, your master is a good man. It's my fault. I scared him off.”

There was no choice. She had to talk to him. The last thing she wanted was for Cameron to feel uncomfortable when he was here. With all he'd been
through, he deserved the life he was rebuilding. She didn't want him to miss out on time spent with his new best pal.

“You are a good guy, Warrior.” She scratched his ears. “Like that, do you?”

The big gelding nodded, leaning closer to give her better access. This was the first evening the sheriff hadn't come to visit his horse.

Longing filled her, sweet and aching. Why was she missing Cameron? He was a friend, that was why. And he'd come to mean more to her than—

No. She wasn't going to follow that train of thought. Heart thumping wildly, adrenaline kicking through her blood, there was no peace to be found.

Not even here in the stable. The past remained like a terrible whisper that would not be silenced. A whisper that followed her into the house, where her sisters were waiting with the Monopoly board set up and big bowls of buttery popcorn and glasses of soda.

A whisper that could not be silenced all through the evening and into the night where she lay, awake in her bed. A fear that followed her into her dreams and turned into nightmares of a man towering over her, his voice a thunderclap of anger, striking her with the fury of lightning while she cried, helpless at his feet.

 

Dawn came, and with it a cloud of smoke from the nearby forest fire. The dank smoke hid the surrounding mountains and cast a gray pallor over the sky. Like
the gloom inside her, it remained, a gray haze that polluted the day.

“I've got next week's schedule figured out.”

Kendra startled, realizing she'd been staring off into space again. She grabbed the hose, tested the warmth of the water and sprayed down Amigo. The horse thanked her with a sigh of pleasure as soap bubbles slid off his brown-and-white coat. “Amigo's owner is coming for your advanced class this afternoon. If that's a problem, then I can squeeze in a private lesson for her.”

“No, I can do it. Hi, boy.” Staying out of the spray, Colleen gave the pinto's nose a scrub. “What about Cameron? He didn't ride his horse over the weekend, did he? Will he be here today?”

“I don't have a clue.”

“Really? Tell me he didn't leave those flowers for you. And that vase! I saw them in your office. They're beautiful.”

“Cameron is way too generous.”

“He's just about right for a courting man.” Colleen waggled her eyebrows. “I'd go for it if I were you. He's a catch.”

“He's not my type.” Firmly, refusing to let the pain swallow her whole, Kendra moved to Amigo's hind-quarters, where she hosed down his flanks. “I was wondering if you want to go over the bookkeeping with me later. You said you'd like to learn as much as you can about the business of running a stable.”

“That would be awesome. Wait—are you thinking
of cutting back your workload? You know, like your sister Karen did at her coffee shop after she got married?”

“And just who would I marry?”

“None other than our handsome town sheriff.”

“Stop trying to play matchmaker. I think
you
should invite him for a trail ride sometime.”

“Me? No way. Don't try avoiding this one, Kendra. Cameron is a great guy, and anyone can see he's in love with you.”

“He's in
like.
” It can't be love. She wouldn't let it be.

“Whatever. Here's some free advice. A good man doesn't come along like that every day. If I were you, I'd hold on to this one.”

“I like my life the way it is.”

Colleen looked so sad. “I don't. I don't like going home every evening to an empty apartment. I look at the families who come here and the kids I teach, and I want that. But I'm not going to just settle for the first man who comes along and winks at me. Cameron is the kind of man you keep. There aren't too many out there like him. I don't want you to have regrets.”

I have them every day. Every evening.
If there was one thing she could change about her life, it would be to go back in time and never date Jerrod at all. Never fall for the golden boy, town football hero, who'd been so perfect for her, or so everyone said. Nobody had seen the mean streak in Jerrod, and she certainly hadn't until it was too late.

Sure, he'd been good to her. Kind, at first. But over time there were changes. He was strong and brave and upstanding. He was the first person to ever hit her. He would be the last.

Finally alone, she squeezed her eyes shut willing away the memories of Cameron taking Jerrod down to the floor, rolling him over. In control, stronger than the abusive man and just as frightening in his calm, cool anger, he'd snapped the cuffs on Jerrod's wrists.

She'd seen what Cameron was capable of. Of taking down a man as tall as he was, as in shape, as powerful. How did she know he would never use his strength against her? Not only Cameron, but any man?

Why did she still ache to see him? To hear the low rumble of his voice, see the quirk in the left corner of his mouth when he grinned? Why did she feel as if he was a part of her spirit? She watched the parking lot for the first sign of his vehicle. Listened for the sound of his step on the path.

She missed his friendly presence. Friendly, that was all. Was it even possible they could still be friends?

No. She felt the answer soul-deep. It was impossible to go back to the serene companionship between them.

It's more than friendship, a quiet feeling within her whispered.

It
can't
be. She wouldn't let it be.

She felt his approach like the change in the wind, like the clouds skidding across the sun, dampening the brightness. In sudden shadow, she whirled Sprite toward the gate, knowing before she saw that it was him.

He was walking toward the stable, his back to her.

He hadn't stopped to wave. He didn't turn and his shoulders tensed, as if he felt her, too.

Sadness seeped into her soul, but it wasn't only her sadness. It wasn't only her soul.

T
his was gonna be tough. Cameron had done a lot of soul-searching. He reached the same conclusion each time. He loved Kendra. He was in this for the long haul. He'd stood by Deb in her time of darkness.

A shadow of Kendra's doubt didn't scare him any. What she didn't know was that he was a real man, one who stuck when the going got tough.

The stable girl, who took care of Warrior during the day, handed him the gelding's reins. “I wasn't sure you were coming,” she said. “Kendra's already started class.”

“Thanks for keeping him ready for me.” Work had gotten in the way and delayed him a few minutes, and he'd had to give himself a pep talk on the drive over.

He was sure. He was determined. He was prepared.

Warrior nudged his arm. Wise brown eyes studied him.

“Hey, buddy. I missed you, too.” Warmth filled his chest at the horse's affectionate concern. Glad he'd chosen this fine animal, Cameron patted the gelding's neck and mounted up.

Kendra.
He spotted her on the far side of the arena. She drew him like flowers to the sun. Hair down, rippling in the breeze, she sat astride her gelding, wearing a pink T-shirt and jeans.

Her lovely face brightened with a smile of encouragement as she coached one of her six little students who swung out of the saddle, touched the ground and sprang back up into place.

Feelings radiated through him, pure and bright and without end. Feelings that ran as deep as love could go.

He'd never felt this strongly for any woman. Not his dear Deb. Nobody.

A soul-deep yearning filled him. Gave him strength for the uncertain path ahead.
Please, Kendra. Just let me love you.
That's all he was asking. To have the chance to show her he would stand by her, protect her and cherish her through her doubt and through every day to come.

“Cameron, we're glad you could make it.” She spoke without turning. Crisp and polite, but no more.

He didn't expect an easy road. “Sorry I'm late.”

“Just fall in line. We're practicing quick dismounts. Sometimes while we're riding, situations pop up, and we have to be ready.” Pleasant, but a very teacherlike demeanor toward him.

Fine. He wasn't discouraged. “Sure thing.”

That's the way the rest of the hour went. With Kendra barely glancing at him. She kept her distance, commented on his improved posting skills the way she did with the other students.

He did his best, his palms sweating the entire time. Everything—his future and his heart—was on the line. This would work. He knew it. He just had to hang in there. Refuse to quit. Make her see that he would never waver.

“Our time is up,” she announced. “Good job. All of you are working so hard, I think we're ready to take a short trail ride next time.”

The class disbanded. The girls broke into twos and threes, riding and chattering excitedly. Cute little things. Cameron tried to hold back his hopes, but he couldn't. Didn't take much of an imagination to see his and Kendra's daughters riding just like that, sweet and precious and giggling as they rode side by side.

Daughters. Tenderness tore him apart. He'd like two girls and two boys. Children to celebrate the pure, ever-burning love he had for Kendra. A wife. A family. It all seemed too close, it surrounded him. They'd have to add on to the house, of course. Maybe an upstairs, make the living room big enough for all of them, and maybe a big-screen TV. Since he was dreaming, he'd make sure he'd add a satellite dish so he could watch Sunday football.

There it was, already formed in his mind. Big comfortable couches facing the TV, a fire burning in the
stone hearth, snow falling outside the big windows he'd put in to take advantage of the incredible view. Christmas lights twinkling on a pine tree.

The little girls, with Kendra's beautiful golden hair and blue eyes, playing a board game with their mom. His sons shouting advice and encouragement at the game right along with him. The scent of a roast in the oven, the warm love surrounding them.

God's blessings of love and life and family, everything that mattered. And Kendra for his wife, his love. She would smile lovingly across the room.

“Cameron.” Kendra dismounted outside the arena, and the firm line of her soft mouth was anything but loving.

His dream vanished.

“It was a fine lesson today.” He'd start with a compliment. Maybe figure out a way to tease a smile from her. “I'm getting used to being the tallest student in the class.”

“I'm sorry about the other night. I misunderstood things between us. I thought you wanted only a friendship and nothing more.”

Determined, was she? She could push all she wanted, he wasn't going to give in. He would stick. Love was love, it couldn't be broken or dissuaded or stopped. “I scared you.”

Her chin shot up. “You didn't. I have a full life, and running this stable takes all my time and energy. I don't have much left over, even for friends.”

“Sounds like you're trying to tell me something.
Like you don't want to be friends with me from here on out.”

“That's right.” Maybe this was going to be easier than she thought. She'd be honest, he would understand and they could at least be amicable and polite during classes or when they bumped into one another on the trails. “I'm glad you understand why I can never be friends with you, not after this.”

“I can't be friends with you, either.”

That was exactly what she wanted to hear. The perfect solution. Exactly the best thing for her heart and for her business. Why did his words sound so final? Why did she feel as if she'd lost the best friend she could ever have?

“I don't have friendly feelings for you.” Cameron's deep voice rumbled in a way that made her hope. “I have romantic ones. I know you're not ready to hear this, so I'll wait until you are.”

“No.”

“You need time. Fine. Then as long as it takes for you to see that you can trust me—”

“No.” Panic fluttered like a live thing in her chest, and she fought it. Glancing over her shoulder, she realized she wasn't alone with him. But she felt as if she were on the floor at his feet again, ashamed as he knelt to check her injuries. His voice calm and strong, dependable, as he called in an ambulance and she begged him not to. She was fine. That no one could ever know.

“Kendra.” Cameron's touch to her jaw, cupping
her face. Tender. Solid. Infinitely comforting. “You didn't deserve how he treated you. You know that, right?”

She nodded, unable to say the words and admit that it had felt that way. That she should have known, should have seen it coming, and she hadn't until it was too late. “Everyone thought so highly of Jerrod.”

“I bet they valued you even more.” His thumb stroked her cheek, and he gazed at her as if she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen.

The shaking deep inside rattled through her, the raw and broken places from that night she'd fought so hard to protect. She'd tried so hard to cover it up so that no one could see what Jerrod had done. He'd taken more than her dignity. Done more than made her helpless. He'd destroyed her ability to love ever again.

How could she admit that to Cameron? With his heart of gold and his integrity like Montana mountains holding up the sky, he wouldn't know, he wouldn't understand. She had to go away. Wanted to run until the pain stopped hurting and her barricades were back in place.

Cameron's touch held her, not confining, but binding all the same. His touch, his love, felt like the most beautiful golden glow she'd ever felt, better than standing on the edge of the mountain with the beaming hues of the setting sun enfolding her. A light she craved with all the broken places in her soul.

And would never deserve.

She turned her chin, breaking away from him. Her
skin tingled, already cold, already missing his gentle touch. Defenses exploded inside her, shields crumpled, she was surprised how calm she sounded as everything within her shattered. “This is hurting. You are hurting me.”

“That's not what I want, darlin'. I love you. I'm not going anywhere. I'll back off. I'll be your friend. But I can't change how I feel. Nothing ever will. Like the flowers I gave you, I'll wait patiently until you're ready to love me.”

“Don't you understand?” Cold settled in her veins. Pumped in her blood. Chilled the marrow of her bones. “I don't love you.”

“Sure you do. A man doesn't marry a woman, stand by her during chemotherapy, do everything for her when she's too weak to do it herself and hold her hand while she dies without learning what love is. What it looks like. What it should be.”

“There's no chance.” She forced away the image in her mind of him caring for his dying wife, with his quiet strength. “Never. No.”

“Don't say it like that. Give it time, Kendra. It's all I'm asking. Time for you to see I'm not like him.”

“But you are.” Couldn't he see that? “You're a lawman, you're stronger and bigger and you're used to being in charge—”

“Jerrod and I are nothing alike. A real man uses his strength to protect. You ought to know that's who I am. I protect and I serve this community, and a wife, well, I would protect her with everything I am.”

“I can't.”

“I would protect you. You are a rare woman, kind and loving and like sunshine in my life. I want you. To marry you. To cherish and honor you for the rest of my life.”

“Those are words. How can I believe them?” Kendra pushed away, choking, pain like rubble inside her soul. “You say that now, but what about tomorrow? In a year? In ten years? Time changes people—”

“And so that means I'll hurt you one day? That is never gonna happen. People change, sure, times change, but not me. When I love, it's forever. You have no idea how hard this has been opening my heart again. How scared I am that I could get hurt. Lose you. Feel as if the sun has gone down on my world if something should happen to you. I never want to go through that kind of pain again, but do you know why I'm standing here?”

“No, I don't want to know. I want you to go find a nice woman and marry her. Someone who has a whole heart and has enough love to give you—”

“A whole heart? No one on this planet has a heart that is without a scar. Without a broken place. Life is both night and day, light and darkness, and it's a privilege to be here, walking the path the Lord has set before me. Don't make me walk it alone, Kendra. Please.”

He held out his hand, his wide palm tanned by the summer in the sun, lined and callused and marked by a ridge of scars, like a deep cut long healed. “Please.”

Yes, her soul cried out. She longed to place her hand in his, callused and scarred, too, and to hold on for dear life.

How could she? God hadn't kept her safe that night. How could this man? “Maybe it would be best if you moved your horse to another riding stable.”

“No. I won't do it. You can push and push, but you can't change my heart.”

“You have to leave. I can't do this. I don't want you. If you're the man you say you are, then you'll respect that.”

“I can't walk away.” Cameron couldn't believe it. Didn't she understand? His love was like a steel that could never be melted. A light that could never fade. “I'll back off, fine. I'll even get into one of Colleen's classes if it bothers you—”

“No, Cameron.” Her words were final, certain. “You have to move Warrior. I'll call Sally over at the Long Horn and make arrangements for you.”

“Kendra.” He wanted to haul her into his arms and hold her against his heart, take all her pain into him so she could be free. So the shadows would leave her eyes and the wounds vanish from her soul. So she could laugh the way she had at the festival, when their future together had been clear and easy to see. A future together, as man and wife.

He couldn't lose that. His heart was shattering as she walked away from him. As if he were nothing to her at all.

It wasn't true. He felt her love aching within him,
felt her hopelessness and her fear. Was there no chance at all? Lord, how could you have brought me here for no reason?

The only answer was a lifting of the wind, coming hard from the west, rattling the aspens shading the main pathway. Golden leaves drifted to the ground, the first fallen leaves of autumn.

Yep, that's just how he felt. Cameron did the only thing a good man could do. He left.

He never looked back. Not when he reached his Jeep. Not when he pulled out of the parking lot. He didn't look north toward the mountains that rose behind her ranch. He went inside, closed the door behind him and sat in the waning afternoon light. Darkness came and still he sat, his head bowed in despair.

 

Kendra worked past exhaustion. By the time every stall had been cleaned, every aisle scrubbed, her bookkeeping done, every corner swept and every horse cared for, twilight shadows were stealing the daylight. There was a nip in the air, making it too cool to ride. There was nothing left to do. She couldn't put it off anymore.

She didn't want to face the emptiness of the house where no one was there to greet her. Or her footsteps echoing around her as she closed the door and turned the dead bolt. The click of the old light switch grated like fingernails down her spine. Light spilled across the pictures on the walls of her family. She couldn't look away from the wedding portraits or the reminders
of Christmases past gathered around the Christmas tree…from the precious captured memories of her newborn nieces and nephew.

She ran her fingertips over the framed snapshot of baby Anna. Gramma's words flashed into her memory.
She looks like you did. That little button nose. That round darling face. That's what your little girl will look like one day.

I don't get to have kids of my own. No family. No wedding pictures. No Christmases filled with children's laughter and excitement, not in this house.