Almost Heaven (14 page)

There was no answer as the last shadows of twilight slipped away and left her in total darkness.

 

Cameron drove without seeing along the two-lane country roads back to the edge of town. Numb, that's what he was. Numb and shocked. He'd left the flowers, but the basket of packed food was on the passen
ger seat and the smell of fried chicken, normally appetizing, was making his gut twist.

I don't want any man. I don't want you.
Her words haunted him. Her fear troubled him more as he slowed down for traffic at the edge of town.

Folks were heading in to catch the last of the rodeo and the firework display. Traffic congestion was a rare thing, but it bugged him mightily as he slowed down to a stall. Hurting bad, he wanted to go home and lick his wounds.

How could he have been so blind? He'd misread everything. Angry at himself, angry at Kendra for not understanding, he jabbed off the CD player. He wasn't in the mood for music, either.

He wasn't really mad at Kendra. He was enraged at Jerrod. What kind of man hurt a woman? Broke her bones? Kicked her when she was huddling on the floor in terror at his feet? How many times had he treated her like that?

Jerrod—the respected state patrolman who'd been captain of the football team his senior year, when Kendra was cheerleader. What a perfect couple they'd made, he remembered. Everyone thought they would marry as soon as Jerrod had finished his training with the state patrol.

How long had he been cruel to her in private? Cameron had his hands full during that time with Debra's sickness and taking care of her. Trying to be all that she needed. But he did remember how flawless Jerrod and Kendra had looked together in public, crossing
the street to the diner. How happy her family had seemed with the match. How many years had Kendra said nothing? Maybe she'd feared no one would understand.

Yeah, he'd seen it too many times in his line of work. It saddened him, weighed on his soul.

He flicked up the fan and let the icy blast from the air-conditioning beat across his face.

Some folks who lived close by were walking along the gravel shoulders, and that made the traffic situation worse. He spotted teenagers ambling across the middle of the road. Families bunched together on the shoulder, slowing down the outgoing traffic.

He lowered his window to see if he ought to lend a hand. He spotted John Corey, the volunteer fire chief, heading his way. “Need any help?”

“No, we've got it covered. Say, you're sitting here alone. I thought you might have one of the McKaslin girls in here. Noticed you two have been together lately. Good for you, Cam.”

Pain clawed through his chest. He clenched his jaw, refusing to let it show. “She's been a good friend to me.”

“Sure, I get it. It's private. I know. You must be meeting her here. I'll keep my nose out of your business.”

“How's your wife doing?”

“Alexandra's doing great. She's got the kids with her. I'll be glad when I can finish up here and get back to her.”

“Let me take over. I don't have anywhere to be.” Cameron had requested this evening off so he could be with Kendra, and that hadn't panned out. He didn't want to be alone. He might as well lend a hand, and this way he could help out John, a good friend.

“What about that pretty lady you're seeing?”

She doesn't want me.
He bit back the words. Agony left him speechless as he shrugged. He had to clear his throat. “Don't you worry about me. Let me take over so you can spend time with your wife and kids.”

“I'd appreciate it. Joshua is old enough this year to enjoy the fireworks. Cassie is still too little, but I'd sure like to be there with 'em.”

“Then go. And take this.” Cameron handed over the basket of food, and before John could say a word, nosed his pickup onto the grassland off the road. He'd keep busy, serving his town, helping out. Watching as other men with wives and kids came to enjoy the celebration.

He took the flashlight from John, sent him on to his family and tirelessly worked until the last car was off the road and parked.

Only then did he head home, driving away as bright bursts of red and blue and green lights flared in the sky behind him, glowing in his rearview mirror.

His rental house was dark and lonely as the winds gusted, and clouds snuffed out the last of the starlight. He couldn't face going in tonight. He hadn't realized how loving Kendra had put the spark of life back in him. What was he going to do now?

He sat on the top step and let the night surround him. There was comfort in the cloak of darkness that felt the same color as his soul tonight.

The faint noise from the carnival rides and the stadium's cheering drifted along with the gusty wind. The boom and exploding light of the fireworks blazed up high. Reminded him that everything he'd wanted was gone.

Kendra didn't love him. It didn't sound as if she ever would.

Defeated, utterly alone, he rested his face in his hands.

“H
ey, who gave you the flowers?” Michelle waded through the grassy field, looking happy and relaxed and lovely in her fashionable summer maternity outfit. “Nice vase, too. Was it from any of the handsome lawmen in this town?”

“Stop teasing, please.” Kendra gave her attention to the stallion easing forward to steal the garden-fresh carrot from her palm. “That's a good boy. See? I'm not going to hurt you.”

The wild animal retreated, crunching the vegetable, his gaze fastening firmly on her, not ready to trust. But he already was. He just wasn't ready to admit it yet.

The older mare nosed her hand. “Hello, girl. I'm all out of carrots, but I've got one more LifeSavers.”

The mare lipped up the treat, crunching gratefully. She'd lived a hard life surviving in the wild, but she
was safe now. As if she knew it, the mare hesitated, almost trusting enough to be stroked. Tenderness for the animal filled her. Kendra knew she'd make a fine saddle horse in time, and would appreciate the companionship of the right person.

“You've got them looking pretty tame.” Michelle hooked her arms over the rail and squinted, watching the horses. “Even the stallion isn't trying to knock you around.”

“I'm charming him with food.” At least Michelle wasn't wanting to talk about Cameron. Every time she thought of him, the pain behind her sternum intensified. Then stop thinking about him, Kendra!

“Everyone's up at the house.” Michelle ran her hand over the curve of her tummy. “Karen has Allie up on Honeybear. She's having a great time. I haven't seen that old pony have that much sparkle in him for years.”

“He misses having a little girl to love.”

“Awesome. Only, when my little one is old enough, I get Honeybear next.”

“There's still Michael and Allie ahead of your baby.” Kendra ducked through the boards, suddenly struck with a grief so large, her knees buckled. She grabbed the fence for balance. She hadn't been this sad since she'd left Jerrod. Or rather, since she'd talked him into leaving her alone.

Being an aunt wasn't enough. She craved a better life. One filled with the happiness and love she saw on her sister's face. Michelle radiated joy, the peace
ful, contented kind, and it wasn't only because of the baby she carried safe, beneath her heart.

“Can I ask you something?” Kendra dared to query as they hoofed it up the knoll toward her lonely cottage. “I remember how your first real boyfriend cheated on you.”

“It's a small town. Everybody knew but me.” Michelle shrugged. “Just like I can guess things weren't as good as they seemed with you and Jerrod.”

“How did you know?”

“When you smiled, it never reached your eyes. And there was something cold about Jerrod. I always worried that he wasn't good to you.”

“Sometimes it feels as if no man can be.” A chill quaked through her. She'd said too much; she could not remember that horrible time, but she had to ask. “How do you know your husband will always be there for you? That you can trust him forever? That he'd never, oh, hurt you.”

“Because of the man Brody is inside, down deep. He's a real man, and that means he's noble and honorable and faithful. That his love, when it's true, is forever. Why are you asking? Ooh, you've got it bad for the sheriff, but you're afraid to love again.”

“No, I was just wondering. You know how I feel about marriage.”

“I know you never dated anyone after you left Jerrod. That says it all, right? Cameron is such a great guy. I won't tease you anymore about it, I promise. I just want you to be happy.”

Miserable, Kendra didn't answer. Michelle's words were no encouragement. Ever idealistic, ever romantic, that was Michelle. Kendra had made that mistake once, and she'd vowed to never do it again. Never trust a man who could hurt her, who could reduce her to nothing at all.

Yet Michelle had managed it. Their farm was prospering, their home beautifully refurbished, and Michelle looked truly happy.

You think one man hurt you, then any man can.
That's what Cameron had said, when she'd just walked away from him. She'd told him to go home, after he'd been so wonderful. He'd left the flowers behind. If he were a horrible man, even one as smooth as Jerrod and quietly angry, it would be easy. Sending him away would be the absolute right thing.

But he was a good man, and that made it worse. She didn't want a good man. She didn't want any man.

That wasn't the truth, and she couldn't lie to herself any longer. She might wish for that once-in-a-lifetime love with Cameron, but it was simply not meant to be. She wouldn't allow it.

“Happy birthday!” Karen greeted from the fence, where she was holding little Allie's knee, as she was perched on the back of an indulgent Honeybear.

Kirby, sitting alongside her husband, Sam, clapped while little Michael tossed a ball and toddled after it.

As Kendra held the gate for Michelle, she spied her parents on the deck, cooing over baby Anna cradled
in Mom's loving arms. One brother-in-law, Zach, lit the barbecue and the other, Brody, tenderly wrapped Michelle in his strong arms. They kissed so sweetly and affectionately that Kendra had to look away.

Not because she was embarrassed, but because she'd never noticed it before—the good men's love that made her sisters happier and their lives better.

Love. It surrounded her, one of God's most precious gifts, and somehow she felt isolated. As if something was missing inside her. Why did she feel alone with her family surrounding her? With their love everywhere?

“Kendra!” Gramma grasped balloon ribbons in one hand as she negotiated through the screen door, her gentleman friend tailing behind.

Just what she needed. Her grandmother's comforting affection, always there, always healing. Kendra wrapped her gramma in a warm hug, so grateful for her. For her family here, today.

She was just being foolish. See? She wasn't alone. She had plenty of love in her life.

“Happy birthday, my dear granddaughter.” Gramma smiled at her boyfriend, who joined them on the porch holding several gaily wrapped presents. “Willard, oh, I see the gift pile right there on the picnic table. Thank you, sweetheart.”

“Anytime, dear. Hello Kendra.” The regal professor gave her a dignified nod and a warm, grandfatherly smile on his way to deposit the gifts. “Happy birthday.”

“Thank you.” Kendra liked the way Willard made her grandmother brighten. He clearly made her happy.

“It's too bad Kristin couldn't have made it,” Gramma continued. “Seattle isn't that far away. I guess that express package must be from her?”

“Yes. She's the only smart sister I have. The others have been rendered blind by love and have married. It's terrible.”

“Yes, isn't it.” Gramma laid her left hand on Kendra's arm where the square-cut diamond sparkled on her ring finger. “Shh, I'm not announcing this yet, I'm going to wait to see how long it takes for someone to notice. Looks like the love bug's bitten me but good!”

“Gramma! Congratulations. I can't believe this.” Kendra glanced at Willard, who was now supervising, along with Karen, Allie being lead around on Honeybear's back. “Did this happen last night?”

“I'll tell you all later. Right now I want to hear about you. A little birdie told me you've been spending time with our respected sheriff.”

“Time, yes. But we're friends. Maybe not even that.”

“My dear Kendra, you look so sad.”

“It's nothing. Just—” Kendra couldn't say it. It was better to change the subject. “Willard seems like a kind man. I hope he makes you happy.”

“He will. I know that for certain. Now, come with me and let's have a look at baby Anna.” Gramma's
hand on her own was firm and reassuring. “Now, I'm not prying. You know I would never do such a thing.”

“Of course not.” Kendra rolled her eyes, trying not to laugh.

“I just want to point out that now that you've found a love of your own, I wouldn't mind attending another wedding. Welcoming more great-grandchildren into the world.”

Pain seared her like a burn that licked straight to the bone. “What are you talking about? You know I'm an independent kind of girl.”

“Fine. Stay in denial, but you can't fool your gramma. Oh, look at how big our baby is getting. Alice, you've held Anna long enough. It's my turn to spoil her.”

I'm not in denial.
Kendra couldn't believe her grandmother's nerve. There's no possible way. I'm not putting my heart on the line. She'd been down that road and look how it had turned out.

But her sisters had taken the risk…and won.

Zach, done with the grill, had joined Karen by the back gate. They stood together, arm in arm, their love as tangible as the warm sunlight.

Sam had scooped Michael up to swing him in the air like a plane while Kirby watched, laughing with happiness as Sam pulled her against him and they all hugged. Their love as solid as the earth beneath their feet.

Michelle was snuggling in Brody's arms, as they talked softly together. Brody's wide hand spanned his
wife's protruding stomach, and they smiled together. Were they wondering if she would have a girl or a boy? Their love for each other was plain to see in their honest affection.

That's what I want.
The longing spilled up from her soul before she could stop it. Before she could block it off behind her defensive shields. Too late, the yearning remained a void inside her. An old aching dream that had been shattered, never to be made whole again.

I won't think of Cameron.
She fisted her hands, steeled her courage, and still the wish remained. Love surrounded her.

Please, Lord,
she prayed, hoping her sorrows would be heard, knowing the need in the world was so much greater than her heartache. But still, she hoped God was listening.
Please make this pain go away. I don't want to hurt anymore.

The wind changed direction, whispering through the dry blades of grass and the maple trees.

Maybe that was her answer, she thought, determined to ignore the sadness within her that seemed without end.

 

Cameron had had better days. After a night without much sleep to speak of, he'd put in two long days while folks enjoyed the local harvest festival. Nothing had gone wrong; that wasn't what had him in a bad mood.

It was that nothing felt right. Sunday morning service hadn't brought him peace, as it usually did when
he was in need. Peace eluded him. As the calm that came with the onset of evening settled over the town, the businesses closed, the vendor booths packed up and were hauled away; there wasn't a car on the street.

He couldn't put it off any longer. He turned off the lights, locked the door and ambled around back to where his vehicle was parked. Looking as lonesome as he felt in the shade of old maples planted decades before.

Thunderheads chased dry lightning across the sky. Yeah, that's sorta how he felt. Wasn't much in the mood to go home and try to fix something. Even a tuna-fish sandwich, his old standby. Maybe he'd swing by the drive-in.

Everywhere he'd gone today, Kendra had been on his mind. Roaming through the festival, keeping an eye out for trouble, he remembered how he'd spent the day with her. How she'd argued over buying him lunch, but he beat her to it. How right it had felt to have her by his side.

He pulled up to the drive-through menu. “Two bacon double cheeseburgers, onion rings and a huckleberry shake.”

His regular order. Kendra had ordered the same meal the day they'd met in the drive-through lane. He'd taken that as a sign. How wrong was that?

“Hi, Cameron.” Misty was at the window, ready to hand him back his change from the five he always gave her. “I haven't seen you in a while. I hear you're
dating Kendra. She's been keeping you busy in the evenings, huh?”

He winced. This had been happening all day long, and it still hurt intensely. “I'm in the mood for your onion rings. The best anywhere in the whole state.”

“I'm glad you think so. That'll be right up.” With a courteous smile, Misty shut the window and disappeared into the kitchen.

Headlights flashed behind him in line. Kendra? No, it was Frank. A dedicated bachelor and a man who didn't cook, he was a frequent patron of the food establishments in town. Cameron returned the wave before accepting the bag of food and the milkshake from Misty, and pulling ahead.

Frank would have joined him inside the restaurant, but Cameron wasn't up for it. Frank would have predicted the outcome. After all, a woman who valued her independence so much obviously didn't need a man to love her.

What was he doing? He was heading north automatically, without thinking, when his house was in the opposite direction. Habit, to drive out to her place. When did he start thinking of her ranch as home? The answer was simple. Kendra was in his soul. He'd never fall out of love with her. So what did he do?

He was clueless. He munched on his burger, still heading north. The random lightning turned serious about the same time his phone rang. Seeing Kendra tonight—and trying to hammer out a solution between them—would have to wait.

If
there was a solution to be had. How could Kendra see him and not the past? Could she ever love him with the wounds in her heart?

He didn't know. Helpless, all he could do was leave it in the Lord's hands as he pulled the truck around and headed straight into the storm.

 

“All settled in for the night?” Kendra asked her beloved mare over the top of the stall gate. Mom and daughter were snuggled together in the clean straw. Willow whickered low in her throat, a gentle, contented sound, while little Rosa slept. “I'll see you in the morning, pretty girl.”

The snug feel of the stable was soothing. Kendra took her time ambling down the aisles, where horses drowsed, some waking enough to greet her as she passed by.