Allah is Not Obliged (11 page)

Yacouba told Fati that the grigris would not protect her any more on account of the little twins’
gnamas
.

Fati cried, she cried her heart out, she howled like a spoiled brat; she wanted proper grigris. But even though she cried, Fati was done for; she had no grigris to protect her. That’s how it goes.

After accidentally going and murdering two innocent kids, we couldn’t stay in the village, we had to get out of there fast, get out
gnona-gnona
(according to the
Glossary, ‘gnona-gnona
’ means ‘on the double’). We left Kik leaning against the wall of a hut and ran off, foot to the road,
gnona-gnona
.

We left Kik to the mercy of humans in the village the way we left Sarah to the mercy of the animals and the insects. Which of them was better off? Definitely not Kik. That’s wars for you. Animals have more mercy for the wounded than humans.

OK, since we knew that Kik was going to die, that he was as good as dead, we had to do his funeral oration. I’d like to tell it because Kik was a nice kid and his passage wasn’t long. (‘Passage’ is the path a kid follows in his whole short life on earth, according to my
Larousse
.)

The tribal wars arrived in Kik’s village at about ten o’clock in the morning. The children were at school and their parents were at home. Kik was at school and his parents were at home. When they heard the first bursts of gunfire, the children ran into the forest. Kik ran into the forest. And the kids stayed in the forest all the time they could hear the gunfire from the village. Kik stayed in the forest. It was only the next morning when there was no more noise that the children dared to go back to their family huts. Kik went back to his family hut and found his father’s throat cut, his brother’s throat cut, his mother and his sister raped and their heads bashed in. All of his relatives, close and distant, dead. And when you’ve got no one left on earth, no father, no mother, no brother, no sister, and you’re really young, just a little kid, living in some fucked-up barbaric country where everyone is cutting everyone’s throat, what do you do?

You become a child-soldier of course, a small-soldier, a child-soldier so you can have lots to eat and cut some throats yourself; that’s all your only option.

Gradually, Kik became a child-soldier. (According to my
Larousse
,‘gradually’ means ‘continuing steadily by increments’, one thing or one word or one action leading to another.) Kik was cunning. The cunning child-soldier took a shortcut. Taking a shortcut, he stepped on a mine. We had carried him on a makeshift stretcher and propped him up, dying, against the wall of a hut. We had abandoned him, left him, dying, in the middle of the afternoon in some fucked-up village, to the tender mercies of the villagers. (‘Tender mercies’ doesn’t mean what it says; it means ‘attention or treatment not in
the best interests of its recipients’.) To their tender mercies, because that’s how Allah decided he wanted poor Kik to end his days on earth. Allah is not obliged to be fair about everything, about all his creations, about all his actions here on earth.

The same goes for me. I don’t have to talk, I’m not obliged to tell my dog’s-life-story, wading through dictionary after dictionary. I’m fed up talking, so I’m going to stop for today. You can all fuck off!

Walahé! Faforo! Gnamokodé!

ULIMO is the name of the faction loyal to the bandit warlord President-Dictator Samuel Doe, who got himself hacked limb from limb. He was torn limb from limb on a misty afternoon in Monrovia the terrible, capital of the Republic of Liberia, independent since 1860.
Walahé!

The dictator Samuel Doe started off as a sergeant in the Liberian army. He—Sergeant Doe—and some of his friends were fed up with the arrogance and the contempt that the Black Nigger Afro-Americans, or Congos, showed for the indigenous people of Liberia. ‘Indigenous people’ are the Black Nigger African Natives ‘originating and living or occurring naturally in an area’. They’re different from Black Nigger Afro-Americans who are ‘descendants of freed slaves’. The descendants of the slaves, also known as Congos, acted just like the colonists in Liberia. That’s how my
Harrap’s
defines
‘indigenous people’ and ‘Afro-Americans’. Samuel Doe and some of his friends were fed up of all the injustice that rained down on the indigenous people of Liberia in independent Liberia. That was why the indigenous people revolted and it was why two indigenous people plotted an indigenous conspiracy against the arrogant colonials and the Afro-American colonialists.

The two indigenous people, the two Black Nigger African indigenes who organised the military coup were Samuel Doe, a Krahn, and Thomas Quionkpa, a Gio. The Krahns and the Gios are the two main Black Nigger African tribes in Liberia. That’s why people say the whole of independent Liberia rose up against the arrogant colonials and the Afro-American colonialists.

Luckily for them (the rebels), or maybe because they made fitting sacrifices, the military coup was a complete success. (According to the
Glossary
, ‘fitting sacrifices’ means that Black Nigger African Natives make lots of bloodthirsty sacrifices for good luck, but they only have good luck if their sacrifices are fitting.) After the success of the military coup, the two rebels and their followers dragged all the VIPs, all the Afro-American senators from their beds and took them all down to the beach. On the beach, they stripped them down to their underpants and tied them to stakes. When the sun came up, they shot them like rabbits, in front of the international press. Then the conspirators went back to the city. In the city, they massacred the wives and children of the men they’d shot and had a huge carnival with lots of hullabaloo, outrageousness, drunkenness, etc.

Afterwards, the two chief conspirators kissed each other on the lips like civilised men and clapped each other on the back. Sergeant Samuel Doe promoted Thomas Quionkpa to the rank of general, and Sergeant Thomas Quionkpa promoted Sergeant Samuel Doe to the rank of general. But since there could only be one leader, one head of state, Samuel Doe declared himself president and undisputed and undisputable leader of the unitary and democratic Republic of Liberia founded in 1860.

It came at exactly the right moment, just like salt in soup, because it happened just before a summit of heads of state of the CDEAO (Community of West African States). Liberia is part of the CDEAO. Samuel Doe, with his general’s rank and his title of head of state and his Para uniform and his pistol hanging from his belt, jumped on a plane. He jumped straight on to a plane as head of state to take part in the summit of heads of state of the CDEAO. The summit took place in Lomé. But in Lomé, things turned sour. When Doe arrived armed to the teeth, the CDEAO heads of state got scared. They thought he was a lunatic so wouldn’t allow him into the summit. No way. They locked him up in a hotel for the duration of the summit with a complete ban on sticking his nose out the door or drinking any alcohol. After the summit was over they stuck him back on his plane and sent him off to Monrovia, his capital. Like an
ouya-ouya
.

Samuel Doe ruled peacefully from his capital, Monrovia, for five whole rainy seasons. He went round in his Para uniform with his pistol on his belt like a hundred percent rebel. But one day he thought about Thomas Quionkpa and
he frowned, suddenly he felt uncomfortable in his Para uniform. Don’t forget Samuel Doe did his military coup with Thomas Quionkpa and Thomas Quionkpa was still alive. Even a chicken-thief will tell you: if you pull off a big robbery with someone, you will never truly enjoy the spoils until the other person is dead. After five years in power, the fact that Thomas Quionkpa was still alive was still an evil influence on the morale, the words and the actions of General Samuel Doe.

To sort things out, Samuel Doe came up with a foolproof stratagem. (‘Stratagem’ means ‘a trick designed to deceive an enemy’, according to my
Petit Robert
.) It was simple when you thought about it. Doe used the democratic stratagem. Democracy, the voice of the people, the sovereign will of the people. All that shit …

One Saturday morning, Samuel Doe decreed a carnival and summoned all the field officers in the Liberian army, and all the ministers in his administration and the heads of all the cantons in the republic and all the religious leaders. In front of this areopagus (an ‘areopagus’ is a meeting with lots of clever people), he made a speech.

‘I took power by force of arms, because in this country there was too much injustice. Now that everyone in the country is equal and justice has been restored, the military should no longer rule. The military will hand over to a civilian government, to the sovereign people. I hereby solemnly renounce my military rank, my military uniform, my pistol. I hereby become a civilian.’

He took off his pistol, his Para’s uniform, his red beret,
his shirt with all his medals, his trousers, his shoes and his socks. He stripped down to his underpants. Then he clicked his fingers and an orderly appeared. The orderly brought him a three-piece suit, a shirt, a tie, socks, shoes and a trilby hat. And, to the applause of everyone present, he dressed as a civilian, just like an ordinary
ouya-ouya
on a street corner.

After that, things moved fast. In three weeks, Samuel Doe had a constitution made to measure. He spent two months travelling to every district in Liberia explaining how good everything was. Then one Sunday morning, the constitution was adopted with 99.9% of the electorate. Only 99.9%, because 100% would look suspicious. It would look
ouya-ouya
.

Now that it had a new constitution, the country needed a civilian president. For six weeks Samuel Doe travelled to every district explaining how he’d become a civilian in word and deed. And on a different Sunday morning, in the presence of international observers, he was elected with 99.9% of the vote. Only 99.9%, because 100% would look
ouya-ouya;
it would set tongues wagging, (‘tongues wagging’ means people spreading malicious gossip.)

There he was, a top-notch, committed, respectable and respected president. His first concrete act as president was to relieve the malefactor Thomas Quionkpa of his duties, like a lowlife (‘relieve of duty’ means ‘to remove from office, to strip an officer of his rank’). Relieve him of his duties, like a blackguard plotting a military coup. But that’s when things went sour because Thomas Quionkpa wasn’t going to let Doe walk all over him. No way!

With a bunch of other officers, Gio officers like himself, Thomas Quionkpa went off and plotted a real military coup. It was a narrow escape, a close call, the military coup almost succeeded. It was a narrow escape, a close call, Samuel Doe was almost assassinated. Well, after that, Samuel Doe got really angry because now he had the evidence he’d been looking for for a long time. He had Thomas Quionkpa horribly tortured and then he had him shot. His praetorian guard spread out across the city and assassinated almost all the Gio officers in the Republic of Liberia. And all their wives and all their children.

Now Samuel Doe was happy and triumphant, the one leader, surrounded only by officers from his own tribe, Krahn officers. The Republic of Liberia became a Krahn state, a hundred percent Krahn state. It didn’t last long. Because luckily about thirty Gio officers escaped the assassins that were sent to assassinate them and fled to Côte d’Ivoire where they went begging to the dictator Houphouët-Boigny. Houphouët-Boigny was sympathetic and consoled them and sent them off to the dictator of Libya, Mister Qaddafi, who has lots of camps for training terrorists. For two whole years, Qaddafi trained the thirty Gio officers in arms drill and terrorism, and then he sent them back to Côte d’Ivoire, where the highly trained officers hid out in the villages on the border between Côte d’Ivoire and Liberia. They were very inconspicuous right up to the fateful day (‘fateful’ means ‘destined to happen’) 24 December 1989, Christmas Eve 1989. On Christmas Eve 1989, they waited until all the border guards at Boutoro (a border town) were dead drunk, a
hundred percent drunk, then attacked them. They quickly overran the Boutoro border post, massacred the border guards and took all their guns. Now that the border guards were dead, the officers pretended to be the border guards and got on the phone and called army headquarters in Monrovia. They told headquarters that the border guards had fought off an attack and requested reinforcements. The army dispatched reinforcements. The reinforcements walked straight into an ambush, they were all massacred, all killed, all emasculated, and all their weapons were seized. The Gio officers, the rebels, had weapons, lots of weapons. That’s why people say, why the historians say, that tribal wars arrived in Liberia on Christmas Eve 1989. The tribal wars started on 24 December 1989, exactly ten years to the day before the military coup in Côte d’Ivoire, the country next door. After 24 December 1989, Samuel Doe’s problems would just proliferate until the day he died (‘proliferate’ means ‘grow or multiply’). Proliferate until the day he was hacked to death. We’ll get to that part later. I haven’t got time at the moment.
Gnamokodé!

Strangers were not welcome at ULIMO. That’s the way it is with tribal wars. As soon as we arrived, we told the ULIMO people a story we’d made up all about Samuel Doe and his patriotism and his generosity. About all the good things he’d done for everyone in Liberia. About his sacrifice for his country. Etc. They listened to the story carefully, religiously, for a long time. After that, they asked us to hand over our guns. We handed over our guns with confidence. One of them
brought out a Qur’an and a Bible and some grigris and made us swear on the holy books and the grigris. We solemnly swore that we were not thieves, that not a single one of us was a thief. Because ULIMO had more than enough thieves, they didn’t need any more, they had them up to here. And then they banged us up in prison. Krik-krak.

The food in the prisons at ULIMO was very disgusting and there was very, very little of it. Yacouba was the first to complain about the terrible conditions. He shouted, ‘I am a grigriman, a grigriman, I can make powerful grigris to protect people from whistling bullets.’ But they didn’t hear him. So he shouted even louder, ‘Get me out of here. Otherwise I’ll put a curse on you. I’ll curse you all.’ So then they came and got him and Yacouba said he wasn’t going anywhere without me and asked if I could go with him.