All Things Lost (7 page)

     “Famous?”

     “You're the kid that shot and killed that serial killer a couple years back aren't you?”

     “What? Um, yeah,” I said in surprise. I wasn't used to being recognized on the street.

     “I was following that whole story at the time.
Interesting case.
You handled yourself pretty well for an amateur. Took that scum out like a pro from what I heard.”

     “Uh, thanks,” I said, unsure of what the proper protocol was when someone compliments you on killing another person.

     “I wrote my insurance info on the back of my card there,” he said as he handed me back my cards, “Get in touch with your people and they'll take it from there. It was a pleasure getting rear-ended by you, Mr. Kendall.” He pumped my hand once and climbed back into his car. It started up with an asthmatic wheeze and he rolled the window down, “Maybe there's life in the old girl yet. If you need anything just call me. My number's on the card I gave you.”

     I nodded dumbly and watched as he pulled away from my car with a metallic screech. He drove off leaving his bumper behind. Asher finally deigned to step out of the car once he was gone.

     “Thanks for the moral support,” I muttered as I dragged the abandoned bumper to the trunk of my car.

     “I was offering support from in the car,” Asher said as he rubbed his neck. “You know, I think you gave me whiplash.”

     “I gave you? It was just as much your fault as it was mine.”

     “How do you figure that? You were the one driving!”

     “Let's not argue anymore,” I said with a sigh. I slammed the trunk down and climbed back in the car. Asher stood staring down at the crumpled front-end of my car.

     “Do you think it'll start?” he asked.

     “I don't know but I'm about to try. Jump in.”

     “I think I'll wait out here,” he said nervously as he edged away, “What if it blows up?”

     “Then God-forbid you should be in here with me,” I grumbled to myself as I turned the key in the ignition. The engine gave a half-hearted sputter and died out. I tried again with the same result. It coughed grudgingly to life on the third try, although the loud, uneven roar was far from its usual quiet purr. The clanking sound emitting from the engine didn't exactly inspire confidence either, but at least it was running.

     Asher climbed back in once it was clear that I wasn't going to go up in a mushroom cloud, and I pulled away with a lurch and a rattle. The drive back was full of tension and quiet except for the painful groans of protest from my beleaguered car. Our earlier fight, obviously unresolved, hung heavy in the air between us.

     Marcus was outside on a cell phone when I pulled into the
Davis
' driveway. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped open comically when he caught sight of my battered bug.

     “What the hell happened to you?” he asked as Asher climbed gratefully out of the car.

     “We ran into the back of some poor guy,” Asher said with a meaningful glance in my direction, then added
,  “
Nobody got hurt.”

     “Except for the car,” Marcus said looking over the damage.

     Asher shrugged and started inside after an unenthusiastic wave in my direction. To my surprise Marcus slid into the passenger seat.

     “Do you have a minute?” he asked.

     “Sure, what's up?”

     “Look, maybe this is none of my business, but since Asher is my little brother and all, and you're practically like my brother too... I mean you've been around the house since you were just a little kid, so maybe it is my business.”

     “Marcus,” I interrupted, “it's been a long day; so if you have a point can we skip right to it?”

     “Yeah, sorry…well…I don't know what's going on with you and Asher right now but I can tell something is wrong. I've not seen him moping around like this since before you two got together, back when you were messing around with Jake.” I blushed. I hadn't known that was general knowledge. “If this hadn't started before we knew Jake was moving back I might have thought it was that, but it's obviously something else.”

     “You're right, something is wrong and I'm not sure what it is either. I don't know if it's me or Asher or both of us.”

     “I'm not asking what is wrong or whose fault it is. I wouldn't have even brought it up at all, but…I don't pretend to understand what you two have. I mean, pretty much my whole family has always been really cool with the whole gay thing, but to be really honest with you, it still
weirds
me out a little sometimes. But I love my brother and I know he loves you. You make him happy, or at least you always have. If you want to break up with Asher…”

     “Marcus! I…”

     “Let me finish. If you want to break up with Asher, just do it. Make it a quick, clean break so he can start getting over you. Don't drag it out forever; you'll just end up hurting him more. I hate seeing my family hurting and we've got enough going on right now with
Bethany
; we don't need Asher running around looking like his dog just died. But if you don't want to break up with him,
then
work it out quickly. Please.”

     I was speechless but luckily Marcus didn't require an answer. Having said his piece, he ducked out of the car and ran inside without a backwards glance.

     I drove home slowly while my mind turned over what Marcus had said. The truth was I had no idea what was happening between Asher and I, or what to do about it. It seemed like every time we tried to talk lately it turned into a fight. Was it some sub-conscious hang-up on my part or were there some serious faults in the bedrock of our relationship? Or were these emotional tremors that we were experiencing nothing more than the natural growing pains of a healthy couple? I was out of my depth and I knew it. I needed to talk to someone more experienced in relationships. It was time for a long conversation with Adam. I still owed him an apology anyway. More importantly though, I valued his advice, and right now I needed it more than ever.

* * *

     My beat-up bug made quite a splash when I got home. Adam, Steve and Kane all came out to look at the crumpled front end of the car. Adam announced that it was probably totaled but that our insurance would cover it. He seemed more concerned with whether Asher and I were alright. It was after dinner that night before I got a chance to talk to Adam. When he and Steve started clearing the table, I volunteered to help with the dishes. A pointed look in Steve direction was all he needed to get the point. He challenged Kane to a video game All-Star Baseball tournament, and the two of them quickly cleared out of the room, leaving just Adam and I. Adam ran the sink full of hot soapy water while I gathered the dirty dinnerware together. We settled into an easy routine, him washing and me drying.

     “Adam, I'm really sorry about last night,” I said after a while.

     “Yeah, I am too. I think we both overreacted.”

     “I know I did. It's just that Asher and I have been having some problems lately and I guess I took it out on you.”

     “And you think moving in together will solve your problems?”

     “Well, actually, moving in together is part of the problem.”

     “What do you mean? What is the problem exactly?”

     “I wish I knew. Maybe I'm just commitment phobic. Ever since Asher brought up our living together it seems like it's just been one fight after another. And nothing ever gets resolved.”

     “So it started when the idea of moving in together came up?”

     “Well, not exactly. That's just what brought it to a head. We've also never…uh… um…consummated our relationship.” I felt my face heat up in a furious blush.

     “You mean you've never had sex,” Adam stated calmly.

     “Yeah, that.”

     “Was that a mutual decision?”

     
“Yeah, well sort of…no, not exactly.
Asher would have liked to a long time ago, but I've just not felt ready. And then it just became sort of like…a habit not to have sex.”

     “A habit?” he said with raised eyebrows.

     “You know what I mean. We just got used to not having sex. Or at least I thought we did.”

     “But now you're not sure?”

     “I think maybe there's something wrong with me. I mean why don't I want to have sex with Asher? Maybe I'm straight and I just don't know it.”

     Adam laughed and then quickly became serious again. “Killian, you would know it if you were straight. You have feelings for Asher don't you?”

     “Yes.”

     “Do you love him?”

     “Yes, I do.”

     
“Romantically?”

     “Yes.”

     “Do you have feelings towards girls?”

     
“Not at all.”

     “Then you're not straight.”

     “Then what's the problem? Is there something wrong with our relationship? Why am I so scared to sleep with him? Or move in with him?”

     “Killian, you're only 17. You're still a kid, even though I know you don't want to hear that. You're both still kids. You started dating
young,
you've never even dated other people, either of you. Maybe this relationship isn't right for you. Or maybe you just have issues you haven't dealt with. You came from a home where things were distant and impersonal for most of your childhood. Then later everything fell apart, so maybe you are scared of making a commitment because you're afraid that you'll lose him or you'll fail to live up to your side of the bargain. Maybe you're just scared of change because you like things the way they are now and you don't want to ruin it. I don't know. These are things you'll have to figure out for yourself, although I'll help as much as I can. Maybe you should think about going back to Dr.
Ottinger
for a little while.”

     Dr.
Ottinger
was the counselor I had gone too after the shooting. I didn't like going back, it felt like I was regressing, but maybe it was a good idea.

     “Or maybe you and Asher just need a break,” Adam added.

     
“A break?”

     “Some time apart, to let you both sort out your feelings.”

     “You mean break-up?”

     “No, I don't mean break-up, unless that what you want to do. I just mean take a little time off, take a few steps back and get some perspective.”

     “Marcus told me to break up with Asher today.”

     “Marcus? Asher's brother? Why would he say that?”

     “Well, he said that if I was going to break up with him to do it fast and get it over with.”

     “That's not quite the same thing. Do you want to break up with Asher?”

     I didn't answer right away. “I don't know,” I said at last, “I don't think so, but I'm not as sure as I'd like to be.”

     “Well you don't have to know tonight. But don't put it off too long or things will just get messier than they already are.”

* * *

     I spent a restless night tossing and turning as sleep eluded me. My mind refused to let me relax as it poked and prodded at the idea of breaking up with Asher. I finally gave up the fight when the first light of dawn began to brighten the sky. I rolled out of bed and padded softly down the stairs. I was surprised to find Steve in the kitchen sipping a cup of coffee.

     “What are you doing up this early?” he asked. He seemed equally surprised to see me at that time of the morning.

     “Couldn't sleep,” I said, “You always get up this early?”

     
“Most days.
I enjoy the quiet time, before the rest of the world wakes up.”

     I dropped into a chair across from him and laid my head on my crossed arms.

     “Adam said you two had a good talk last night.”

     “I guess.”

     “You guess?”

     “Well, we cleared the air between us but I still don't know what to do about Asher.”

     “You didn't expect Adam to tell you what to do,
did
you?”

     “It would have been nice.”

     “We both know this is your decision and your decision only. Is that why you couldn't sleep, you were up worrying all night?”

     
“Yeah.”

     “You can't let this consume you, Killian. You need to get your mind off the whole situation for a while. What are your plans for today?”

     “I don't have any.”

     “Great! Why don't you come with me then?”

     “I don't know. Where are you going?”

     “I've been thinking about getting out of the architect business. I've been in it for too long and I feel like I've accomplished all I can there. I guess you could say I'm having a mid-life crisis of sorts. It's always been a dream of mine to own and operate a bed and breakfast. I talked to Adam about it and as usual he supports me. He said to go for it and he'll be behind me one hundred percent. I started doing some inquiries and I found out there's a great place available right now so I'm supposed to go today and take a look at it. Adam's running on a deadline so he can't go with me so I'd love the company and second opinion. Want to come?”