All Things Lost (35 page)

     It was my turn to be quiet as I thought about his question. “Maybe,” I admitted softly.

     “We still could…”

     “I think it might be best if I leave,” I said slowly. I stood up and glanced down to make sure I was fully clothed. I was. “I'm getting ready to go to DC with Novak for a couple days, for this case we're working on. I'll call you when I get back, ok?”

     Will stood up and crossed the room to stand inches away from me, his eyes studying mine.

     “Why are you running, Killian? What are you afraid of?”

     “I'm not afraid; I just don't think this is best for either of us, not right now.”

     “It could be healing.”

     
“Or could open new wounds.
No, I think it's definitely best if I leave.”

     “You're probably right,” he said gloomily. He wrapped his arms around me for a tight hug, which I returned. “Now go,” he said, releasing me, “before I change my mind again.”

     I gave him a quick peck on the lips and let myself out, leaving him standing in the middle of the living room watching after me. I wasn't as sure as he had insisted that everything that had happened there that night was harmless and meaningless. I hoped Will wasn't falling in love with me. Just the thought of the complications that could arise from a situation like that made me shudder. It would definitely blow any chance I had of getting back together with Asher…but was that really what I wanted anymore? I just didn't know.  

Chapter 20

     To say that I was preoccupied for the rest of the night would be an understatement. My mind was completely absorbed with the mass of swirling confusion that was my personal life.  I couldn't concentrate on the conversation at dinner but I think Steve was talking about the house and the fact that another crew had quit. I think it was the electrician this time, but he'd had no problem replacing them this time. I was so distracted by my own thoughts that I almost forgot to tell Adam that Novak and I were going to DC the next day and not coming home until the following day.

     After we ate, I went upstairs to my room to be alone and brood over my thoughts. It had felt so nice to be with Will tonight, I missed receiving affection. I missed Asher. The problem was: did I really miss Asher or just the affection? Maybe I just wanted a boyfriend to have someone to cuddle with. I didn't really believe that though, or else I would have been more comfortable with what Will and I had done. If all I was looking for was a physical relationship then having sex with Will would have been fine. But I wanted something more. So did that mean that Asher and I weren't right for each other since we hadn't worked out? I felt like my brain was spinning in ever-tightening circles, like a dog chasing its tail-a futile exercise. Eventually, I fell into a restless sleep.

     “So, you're confused again, huh?” a voice said, startling me awake. I sat up and looked around the dark room. At first I didn't see anyone then they spoke again and I found them. “You make everything so difficult.”

     “Seth!” I gasped. He was sitting cross-legged in the center of the floor, the moonlight from the window making him seem to glow with an eerie white light. He looked like a ghost and then I realized that was most likely what he was. Some part of my mind knew I was probably dreaming but I didn't care. I was just so excited to see him again. I wanted to jump up and throw my arms around him but I was afraid I would just go right through him.

     “Long time, no see, Killer,” he said with a familiar grin. He looked exactly the same as he had the last time I saw him alive, hair sticking up in every direction, loose, baggy jeans and a short-sleeved shirt, with an impish expression on his adorable face.

     “You don't look any different,” I said.

     “I wouldn't. You on the other hand…you've grown up, Killian.”

     “I have?”

     “In some ways you have, and in others you haven't.”

     “What do you mean?”

     “You're not the same little boy I first met. You're much stronger, more mature. You've been through a lot and come out a better person because of it.”

     “But you said in some ways I haven't grown.”

     “You still don't know what you want.”

     “What I want?”

     “The first time around you couldn't choose between Asher and Jake, you were even interested in Kane until you found out he was straight. Now, some of the characters have changed but you still don't know what you want. Is it Asher? Will?
Micah?”

     “How do you know all this?”

     “I keep an eye on you.”

     “I'm not really talking to you, am I? I'm just dreaming?”

     
“Maybe.”

     “I think it is just a dream. I'm way to calm about it to not be a dream.”

     “If that makes it easier for you then yes, it's just a dream.”

     “Why are you here?”

     “I
dunno
. I thought you might want to talk it over with someone.”

     “Talk about my love life with a ghost?”

     “I'm just a dream, remember? This is your subconscious trying to work out your problems. So, do you love Asher?”

     “Yes…I don't know. I thought I did.”

     “There were promises of forever once upon a time. What happened?”

     “I don't know. We didn't talk. Maybe we weren't right for each other.”

     “Or maybe you both stopped trying.”

     “Did we?”

     “You tell me.”

     “I think we did. The question is, is it too late to fix it or has there been too much water under the bridge?”

     “Are you asking me?”

     “You are the supernatural being here.”

     “Doesn't mean I get to supply you with answers you have to figure out for yourself. Besides, how would I know? I'm not omniscient.”

     “Yeah, well, I'm new at this whole talking to
ghosts
thing so you'll
hafta
forgive me if I don't know all the rules.”

     “No prob. So am I a dream or a ghost?”

     “I haven't decided yet.”

     “Well, while you're deciding, what about Will?”

     “What about him?”

     “What was that all about tonight? Do you love him?”

     “No! I mean, I care about him, he's my friend, but I'm not in love with him.”

     “Then I'd advise you to be careful or someone will just end up getting hurt.”

     “It was a one-time thing. It won't happen again.”

     “Can you be sure of that?'

     
“As sure as I can be about anything these days.”

     
“And Micah?”

     “I don't even know Micah.”

     “He'd like to get to know you.”

     “I don't know if I want to get to know him. I don't even know if I want to get back together with Asher yet. It wouldn't be fair to anyone involved if I started seeing someone else before I'm ready.”

     “Are you sure you aren't ready? Maybe it's what you need to move on.”

     “So I do need to move on? It's over with me and Asher?”

     “Did I say that?”

     “I thought…”

     “I didn't say that.”

     “So it's not over?”

     “I didn't say that either.”

     “What the point of being visited by someone from beyond the
freakin
grave if they aren't going to tell you anything useful!”

     “You want easy answers, Kill, and it doesn't work like that. You have to figure this stuff out on your own.”

     “Why does everything have to be so difficult?”

     The bedroom door swung open, blinding me momentarily with the bright light from the hall. As my vision cleared I saw Kane standing in the doorway uncertainly.

     “Who're you talking to, Killian?” he asked hesitantly.

     I looked to where Seth had been moments before but he was gone, in his place was a small pile of dirty clothes. I blinked in surprise for a few seconds then said in a small voice, “No one, just myself.”

     “
Ohhhkay
,” Kane drawled. He came into the room and shut the door and began to undress for bed.

     “Do you still miss Seth?” I asked him suddenly. He stopped with one leg out of his shorts and one still in and stared at me as if I'd lost my mind.

     “Of course I do. I miss him all the time. I guess I don't think about it quite as much as I used to but I'm always wondering what it would have been like if he had lived. Where'd that come from?”

     “I don't know…I was just dreaming about him I guess.”

     
“Really?
What did you dream?”

     “Just that he was here and we were talking.”

     Kane gave me a funny look. “I dream that every once in awhile too.”

     “When you're upset or confused about something?” I asked.

     “Yeah,” he answered slowly.

     I lowered myself back onto the bed and thought about that for a minute. “Weird,” I said.

     “It's probably just a coincidence,” he said as he crawled into his own bed, although he sounded far from convinced.

     “Yeah, I'm sure that's all it is,” I agreed, equally skeptical.

     I had a hard time falling back to sleep but eventually I did, but I didn't see Seth anymore that night.

* * *

     Novak and I left for DC shortly after I arrived the next morning. After my restless night I slept most of the way. I awoke to find Novak parking in the lot of the hotel we were staying at. It was a mid-priced place, not a dump but not the Ritz either. We checked in and deposited our suitcases in the room and then set out to look for Rachel.

     We found the address Novak had on her. It was a small, slightly neglected apartment building with a security door that you either had to have a code to or someone inside had to buzz you in. The ground floor windows had bars over them. At least they had that measure of security.

     We found the button for Rachel's apartment and pushed it but we didn't get a response. We waited a minute,
then
Novak pushed it again, just as an older lady with a small collapsible shopping card came out the door. She watched us carefully and she pulled the door to behind her.

     “Are you here to see Rachel?” she asked in a tremulous voice.

     I looked up in surprise, wondering how she had known that, and then I realized she must have seen what number Novak was pushing.

     “Rachel Shannon,” Novak clarified.

     “She's my neighbor but she's not in right now.”

     “Do you know when she'll be home? We really need to talk to her.”

     “Well, she's at work now I suppose. She usually gets home around five-thirty,
six o'clock
and checks in on me. She's such a nice girl. She does my shopping for me when I can't get out
to do
it myself. I don't know why she doesn't have a man, but maybe she just doesn't need one. So many young girls today don't, you know. Not like it was in years past.”

     “Do you know where she works? I'm an old family friend and I haven't seen her in years. She doesn't even know we're in town and I'd like to surprise her.”

     The woman eyed us suspiciously. “I've known Rachel for several years now and in all that time I don't believe she's had a single visitor.”

     “We lost touch, like I said, it's been years. I was living away but we're back in the area now so the first thing I wanted to do was look up Rachel.”

     She still wore a rather doubtful expression but she seemed a little more convinced. “Alright, but if she gets angry I've never even seen you two. She works up the street at the convenience store on the corner. Not much of
a job for a young thing like
her but she seems happy enough. I keep telling her she's going to get shot one of these days but she won't listen.”