All of me (12 page)

‘You know I am always here if you need to
talk don’t you?’ Tom murmurs, handing me some crockery. 

I stand up and look at him nodding, ‘I
appreciate that, but not this time. I am afraid I have to do this alone,’ he appears
as if he wants to say something, but refrains.

‘You haven’t touched your wine,’ Lucy calls
from the dining room.

‘No, I still feel a bit icky from that bug,’
I call, as I feel my cheeks flush.

‘Maybe you need to visit the doctor that
has been going on too long,’ she lectures me and I make an unintelligible
sound.

When I hug both of them goodbye, Tom hugs
me tighter than usual, ‘you know where we are Em,’ and I nod.

I am once again seated in the waiting room
of the hospital anticipating my twenty week scan, which I am four weeks late
for.  I can no longer remain in denial over the pregnancy my bump has literally
appeared overnight, it is becoming that even with loose fitting blouses and
cardigans over my work skirts they had started to cling.  I can no longer wear
dresses as they emphasize the small round bulge.  There was no getting away
from it, I was having a baby. 

I hadn’t been to Tom and Lucy’s for some weeks,
choosing instead to call Lucy regularly pleading how busy I was at work and out
with my new found friends.

‘You sure you are ok though,’ Lucy had
stressed, ‘I haven’t seen you for weeks Emily, you aren’t purposely staying
away from Tom and I are you?’

‘No Luce, I promise all is good with you
and Tom, I thought you would be pleased for me finding myself a life.’ I feel
slightly ashamed of my emotional blackmail.

‘I am really, can we catch up this week?  Save
a slot for me please, I miss you.’ she had pleaded.

‘Of course, I miss you too,’ I knew I would
once again find an excuse to remain away from the prying eyes of my very astute
sister.

The sonographer calls me in and I lay on
the bed, ‘Ok, this one is just to check on baby’s progress ensuring that he or
she is growing at the rate they are supposed to be so…’ The probe moves over my
bump and I see my baby once again.  Its thumb is in its mouth and I put my hand
to my face to prevent a sob escape.

‘It is ok, all mums get emotional, it is
the hormones,’ she smiles as the cross appears once again measuring. ‘Do you
want to know whether it is a boy or girl?’ she grins.

‘Can you tell?’ I sniff, wiping a tear.

‘I can?’ she questions.

But this makes it real, ‘Yes, please,’ I
relent, curiosity out winning.

‘It’s a boy, and all looks fine and dandy,
he is growing nicely.  Have you experienced any problems?’

‘No, once the constant sickness disappeared
I have been fine thank you, I should probably tell people,’ I mumble to myself
more than anyone else.

‘Why haven’t you told anyone? You are past
the halfway mark now, the only way from here is’ she expresses with her hand a
huge bump in front of her, ‘here! So there will be no hiding him now.’

I walk outside the hospital towards the car
park, in a blur of wonder and confusion.  As I turn the corner I find myself
walking directly into the path of none other than Matt Ritchie.

‘Emily!’ Matt exclaims in surprise as he
takes in my appearance and his eyes settle on the scan picture that is in my
hand, ‘it worked then?’ he looks crestfallen ‘how are you?’ his hazel eyes are
wary.

‘Matt,’ I whisper, ‘what are you doing
here?’ my insides lurch.

‘My mum,’ he swallows, ‘she has breast
cancer.’

‘Oh I am so sorry,’ my hand moves to his
arm automatically, ‘how is she doing?’

‘Good,’ he nods, ‘they caught it early she
has the last bout of chemo today, so fingers crossed.’ He smiles briefly,
rolling his eyes to the sky in a silent prayer.

‘Good, I will send positive thoughts her
way,’ did she really just say that, Lucy uses that expression!

‘It’s good to see you,’ his eyes run over
my face, ‘you look tired though, are you resting?’

‘I am fine,’ I smile, my heart skipping a
beat as our eyes connect.

‘Why aren’t Lucy or Tom with you?’ his eyes
drop down to my scan photo.

‘I can manage on my own,’ I smile and he
nods as he points to the photo.

‘Can I take a peak?’

‘Sure,’ I hand him the picture, my inside
squirming, shit he is looking at his son.  I feel my face flush as I realize
this isn’t right but I don’t want to share my baby weekends he is mine.  At
that precise moment, I bond with my baby, I have ignored him for the past few
months even when he kicks me suddenly. I realize I have a family of my own now,
and the feeling hits me hard, I move my hand protectively to my stomach.

‘You ok?’ Matt asks.

‘Yes, he’s somersaulting’ I fib.

‘He! A boy, I bet Lucy and Tom are over the
moon,’ he grins handing me back the photo, ‘it was good seeing you Emily.’ He
croaks.

‘You too Matt, I wish your mum a speedy
recovery.’ I gaze up at him, unable to avert my eyes.

‘Thank you. Can I call you in a few
months?’ he is too close and my insides flutter.

I smile up at him, ‘I would like that,’ he
strokes my cheek.

‘I have missed you,’ he murmurs, his eyes
darkening.

‘I have missed you too, Matt.’ I whisper,
aware that this is the first time I have accepted this fact, I feel lost
without him. 

He appears shocked by my admission and
closes his eyes briefly before tilting my chin with his finger and placing a
gentle kiss on my lips, ‘see you soon,’ he whispers, before turning and walking
away.

I exhale a breath. It is still there, that
magnet to him, it is like an animal attraction.  When I reach my car, I sit
there motionless all the emotions raging through me. Tears roll down my face
and I dash them away, I miss him, how can I see him again without him realizing
it is our baby? What will he say?  Will he attempt to steal him away from me?
No! He is my baby, my hand moves to my bump protectively, but I do need to tell
people.

The next few weeks pass and despite my
inner brain reminding me regularly I still haven’t told a soul. I have placed
the scan picture on the fridge and have taken to talking to it as I open the
fridge. My bump is growing daily, I was obviously a late starter but am
certainly making up for it now.  I have noticed people at work gawking at my
stomach so I imagine they have guessed, I am thin everywhere else, it isn’t as
if I can just claim to have put on some weight.  I appear as if I have
swallowed a football. If it wasn’t for my huge breasts pushing my blouses out
further it would have become apparent sooner.

I am sitting on the sofa in my nightshirt after
my shower my hair twisted into a bun when the intercom buzzes.  I frown before
moving to pick up the phone, ‘yes,’ nobody calls here, because I failed to
inform anyone of my whereabouts, apart from Lucy.

‘Open up Emily,’ Tom is at the door and he
doesn’t sound as if he is in a great mood.

‘Just a minute,’ I am panicking.

‘I am not going away, so you may as well
let me in,’ he growls.

‘Ok.’ I press the buzzer and run into the
bedroom to reach for my wrap, I glance at the clock and it signifies nine forty,
what is Tom doing here this time of night?

I open the door and he storms in.

‘Tom?’ I call.

‘What is going on Emily?’ his voice is
cold.

What do you mean?’ I wrap my arms around my
middle to conceal my bump.

‘I had a meeting today with Matt Ritchie,’
his hard gaze penetrates mine and I have the good grace to avert my eyes.

‘Shit,’ I mutter, dropping my arms in
submission.

‘Too right shit!’ he is pacing, and I
remember Lucy telling me Tom was extremely placid but if he paces, you have to
worry.

‘Tom,’ I attempt to calm him, ‘calm down a
minute.’

‘He informs me you are pregnant?’ his eyes
take in my bump, ‘fuck how far pregnant are you?’

‘Tom please,’ my legs are wobbly so I move
to the sofa.

‘You ok,’ he kneels, his face anxious.

‘Yes I am fine, just a bit wobbly this is a
shock!’ I express.

‘Well not really a shock to you Emily, it
seems to me you have had some time to become accustomed to the idea, how
pregnant?’ he demands.

‘Please calm down and we can talk,’ I urge
him.

He runs a hand through his hair in
frustration, ‘how far?’

‘You know I have only slept with one person
Tom, so you know how far gone I am six months,’ I scold.

‘Fuck sake Emily, you have kept this to
yourself all this time? Who knows?’ he asks gently.

‘No one,’ I suddenly have tears rolling
down my cheeks as I contemplate how alone I have felt. 

‘Not one person in the world,’ he soothes,
as he kneels in front of me once again and I shake my head.

‘Why didn’t you come to us Emily?’ he
pleads.

‘How could I?’ I sob, ‘I have the one thing
you can’t.’

He sits next to me and pulls me against
him, ‘that doesn’t matter Emily, we are your family, no one should have to face
this alone this is an event to celebrate.’

‘Lucy,’ I whisper, as though this word
alone justifies my actions.

‘Lucy will have to deal with it, Emily,’ he
scolds me, ‘I knew there was something wrong, I should have gone with my gut,’
he stands moving to the kitchen, switching on the kettle.  He lifts his phone
and calls a number, ‘Hey babe, can you come over to Em’s please, don’t panic
and drive like an idiot, but she needs you.’

‘Oh my god,’ I mumble as reality has hit.

By the time Emily has arrived, I have
changed into my leggings and a sweatshirt concealing the evidence. Tom has made
tea and is sitting next to me, not wishing to go over any more detail until his
wife arrives.

‘What is it?’ she panics kneeling in front
of me, taking in my red eyes.

‘I can’t,’ I put my head in my hands and
Tom takes his wife’s hand.

‘Lucy, Emily has been concealing something
from us for a number of months now, because she is concerned about our feelings.’
Lucy looks anxious, ‘I need for you to put yourself in her position and not
think about yourself in all this.’ He warns.

‘Gosh, you make me sound so self-centered,’
she snaps at Tom before sighing at his stern face, eventually nodding her
agreement.

‘Emily’s pregnant, Luce,’ Tom murmurs
softly stroking his wife’s cheek, ‘and has been tackling this alone for six
months.’

 ‘No!’ she calls her
hand flying to her mouth and for a moment I think she is going to flip out, ‘Em,
why didn’t you tell me?’ she holds my face, ‘how can you keep this wonderful
news quiet, I am so happy for you.’ She hugs me and I cry into her shoulder,
‘am I so bad you cannot confide in me, really?’ I feel the tears fall from her
eyes.

‘But I have what you want,’ I hiccup.

‘Yes you do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t
want you to have it, I want the best for you Emily.’ She utters.

I am flabbergasted, all these months and I
could have shared this news with them, they would have supported me.

‘How many weeks are you?’ she pulls away,
standing me up, her hand feeling my bump.

‘Twenty six,’ my hand moves subconsciously
to my front.

‘How have you concealed that? How did I not
notice?’ her eyes move to her husbands.

‘It’s getting harder to hide, loose blouses
mainly. Do you want to see a photo?’ I test.

‘Absolutely,’ she gushes. As I move to the
kitchen I notice Tom grab her hand and stand wrapping his arms around her.

‘I am so proud of you right now,’ he kisses
her, wiping a tear away from her cheek, ‘our time will come.’

I have tears in my eyes and spend a little
longer in the kitchen than required to fetch the scan photo, ‘here’s your
nephew,’ I hand it to Lucy whose eyebrows hit the roof.

‘A boy! Wow, will we know what to do with a
boy, Em?’ she grins. Tom takes the photo and studies it smiling.

‘Now the next conversation we need to have
Emily, is Matt.’ Tom calms.

‘Oh god,’ my face falls, ‘what did he say?’

Lucy looks at her husband, ‘does he not know?’

‘Well, he congratulated me on my son before
he scolded me for allowing Emily to go to a scan appointment alone, stating
that she requires someone to look after her as she appears exhausted.’ He
raises an eyebrow.

‘That’s how you found out,’ Lucy states.

‘He was at the hospital visiting his mum,
she has breast cancer,’ I mention to Lucy.

‘Oh no, poor Matt,’ she replies.

‘He thought we had gone along with the
surrogacy thing, so enquired how things were and I was so shocked to find him
right there, that I allowed him to assume.’ I confess.