All of me (11 page)

But she doesn’t want him, is that why he is
aching for her? Is she a challenge?  He shakes his head to rid the images of
her in Tim’s arms at the summer ball the picture infuriated him.  The thought
of another man in her bed…his jaw tenses, he requires another distraction,
maybe he will find another willing bed partner to divert his attention.

I wonder if she is being pumped full of
chemicals right now to carry her sister’s baby, how can they expect her to do
that? Child birth can be dangerous that is without all the extra risks that
come along with surrogacy.  He runs a hand through his short hair, she would
have found some other excuse to end it if she wasn’t giving them the gift of a
child. She was never going to give up the trust that easily.  But at least I
could have tried, I could have continued to sleep with her until maybe one day
she realized that we have something. I exhale a breath, why am I doing this to
myself!

********

Emily moves around the room surveying the
area.

‘Great, I will take it!’ she enthuses.

‘Ok, well it is available immediately, so
as soon as the references have been checked and the deposit paid it is all
yours!’ the estate agent is grinning.

It is actually bigger than the flat above
the garage and the rent is sensible, with the money that Tom gave me I should
be fine for a while. I commence my new job next week as PA to the Finance
Director, in a computer software company.  The pay is good, and my new boss
seems a reasonable enough guy, maybe things are picking up.  Now all I have to
do is inform Lucy and Tom that I have found somewhere.

Two weeks later I move into my new
apartment, it is set in the city which means I can walk to work saving on
petrol and parking.  It is a new building, which houses several flats with an
entry system, providing security.  Tom pays for a small removal company to move
me in bringing all the furniture from my old flat. Lucy just hangs around tears
in her eyes as she observes me.

‘Right, that’s it!’ Tom calls, ‘the van is
empty,’ he regards his wife and drapes an arm around her, ‘come on babe, Emily
is entitled to a life too.’

‘I know, you said,’ she snaps at him and I
scowl at her.

‘This isn’t anything to do with Tom, this
is me Lucy, don’t take it out on him!’ I scold her.

‘Of course it is, if he hadn’t have shouted
at you about the surrogacy thing, we would all be living together,’ she scolds
in her spoiled brat mode.

‘That’s enough Lucy,’ Tom roars and for a
moment I intend to jump right in and defend her, but I bite my tongue, ‘you are
an adult, not a child start to behave like one, you are being extremely selfish.’

Lucy glares at me expecting me to come to
her defense, but I hold her gaze refusing to be drawn into their domestics.

‘Right thank you guys for the help, now off
you pop I will see you soon,’ I enthuse eager for them to leave.

‘I will help you unpack,’ Lucy insists.

‘If you don’t mind Luce, I would rather do
it myself,’ I smile to lighten the words.

‘Oh, Ok,’ she hugs me, ‘I love you.’

‘Love you too,’ I close my eyes and savior
the moment, before releasing her and hugging Tom, ‘thank you Tom,’ I murmur and
he squeezes me,

‘Thank you Emily,’ he whispers and I know
he is thanking me for giving them a chance.

********

It takes me some time to find homes for all
of my belongings, not that I have a lot, but by the end of the second week it
is beginning to feel like home.  I miss the fact that Lucy is close by and
there is no popping in for a glass of wine here and there, but I know it is the
right thing to do.  Work is quite a challenge, but one I am enjoying.  My boss
is cold and extremely harsh, but I warm to his sharp nature comprehending his
need for control.

I am invited to one of the secretaries
leaving drinks on the Friday and where I would normally refuse, I accept and
join them for a couple of drinks at the local bar.  Most of the girls are
friendly enough apart from one that obviously has issues, I notice her throwing
me icy glances on several occasions.

‘Do you have a problem?’ I enquire frostily,
after I find her glance on me yet again.

‘No,’ she sends a plastic smile my way, ‘I
was just admiring your blouse.’

I turn away and hear a muffled giggle come
from my left, Suzie was the Receptionist and had a lovely, bubbly nature. 

‘Sorry,’ she murmurs for my ears only, ‘no
one normally dares to put her in her place, she is jealous of pretty women due
to the fact she is the Company bike!’ I grin, and take an instant like to Suzie,
‘do you have a boyfriend, or husband?’ she asks and I attempt not to cut off
the conversation as I would normally.

‘No, single. You?’ I enquire pleasantly.

‘Boyfriend.  Jason, been together for years,
not married though,’ she smiles, ‘there are some cute guys here if you are
looking,’ she tempts.

‘Not really at the moment,’ I smile, I am
getting good at this. I remember reading somewhere that if you don’t feel it,
fake it and eventually it will become second nature.  Maybe that is what will
happen with me in social situations.

‘Bad break up?  You will know when you are
ready,’ she adds discreetly, before I even reply.  Suzie and I chat for a while,
before I agree to join her for lunch one day the following week.

I purposely stay away from Lucy and Tom for
a couple of weeks to enable them to settle back down, before driving over for
dinner one Saturday night.

‘I have missed you,’ Lucy hugs me close,
‘it feels so strange you not being a hop, skip and jump away.’

‘I am fine, I have made friends you will be
glad to hear.’ I mutter proudly, sitting at the table. Tom brings in the food
and places it in the middle before moving over dropping a kiss on my head.

‘Hi Tom,’ I smile.

‘So friends, eh?’ he chuckles, ‘whatever
next!’

I narrow my eyes at him, before I continue
relaying to Lucy the characters of the people where I work.

‘So, putting down roots are you?’ Tom
enquires warmly.

I shrug, ‘early days,’ but he looks relaxed
at this information.

‘Matt called here last week,’ he continues,
and my head snaps up.

‘What did he want?’ I ask.

‘Well, he made some excuse about needing to
see me about work, but he could have visited the office anytime,’ he glances up
cautiously at me.

‘He was stalling, as if he was waiting for
you to appear. I take it he doesn’t know where you are?’ Lucy continues.

‘No, why would he?’ I mutter, but my
insides jump at hearing his name. 

‘Give him a chance, Em,’ Lucy urges gently.

‘Lucy,’ I warn, ‘he gave up too quickly,’ I
add.

‘Why does everything have to be a drama?’
she enquires, ‘you told him you wasn’t interested, what was he supposed to do?
He is respecting your wishes, besides didn’t you inform him you were going to
be a surrogate?’

‘I know,’ I nod. ‘I am just not very good
at this….. but I am improving,’ my eyes find Tom’s and I realize they are
seeking approval, something I have never considered before.  I have never
before taken into account anyone else’s feelings, I was always so busy
attempting to keep Lucy and my lives together.

‘You are Emily, and I am proud.’ Tom
assures me lightly.

We enjoy a lovely evening together with no
snipping or arguments, it is as if all is right with the world once again. 
This is how it should be Tom was patient enough to wait as long as he did with
me hanging in the background standing between him and his wife. I am pleased
with my decision.

********

I have been in my new flat for six weeks,
when I feel unwell. There is a flu bug circling the building at work and I
presume I have joined its many victims as I drag myself into the office.  When
it is still lingering five days later, my boss sends me home with express
orders to visit the doctor.

‘So, no temperature, no diarrhea, your
bloody pressure is fine.  It is probably this bug that is going around, are you
eating ok?’ the doctor recaps.

‘No, not really can’t seem to face anything,’
I reply.

‘Probably why you feel so run down if you
aren’t eating properly, take a couple of days off to rest and we will do a
routine blood test.  Book an appointment for a week, and we will review’

I return back to work the next day
regardless, I need this job and cannot take days off here and there as I used
to with the temping, in those days if you didn’t go in you didn’t get paid.  If
I took off too much time here, they would dismiss me and I couldn’t afford for
that to happen.

A week later, I am sitting in front of the
doctor and I laugh. ‘No, I am not pregnant. I haven’t had sex in months.’

‘Well, your tests indicate that you are in
fact pregnant.  When was your last period?’ she asks.

‘A few weeks ago,’ I shrug.

‘Normal period, not shorter, or lighter?’
she hints.

‘Not that I remember.  I only bleed for a
couple of days that is normal for me,’ I explain, ‘we used a condom anyway.’

‘Every time? It never split, or fell off?’
she arches an eyebrow, ‘believe me, that’s all it takes and I am talking from
experience.’ She points to a framed photo of a little boy about two, ‘pulled
out and the condom remained inside me, that’s all it took!’

‘Oh my god!’ I feel sick remembering the
shower, when we had sex in the shower he would pull out ‘the shower!’ I bend
over as a wave of nausea hits, the doctor places a bowl in front of me and
pours a glass of water.

‘I take it this isn’t good news,’ the
doctor murmurs warmly, ‘you do have options Emily.’

All I can think of is Lucy, oh my god Lucy
would die for a baby and I just pop one out after an incident in the shower.  I
couldn’t go through the ordeal of an abortion, I couldn’t get rid of Matt’s
baby, but I can’t tell him or Lucy, oh my god this isn’t happening.

‘Are you ok?’ the doctor is leaning over me,
her hand on my back.

‘I was going to be a surrogate for my
sister.’ I mutter, confusion filling my mind.

‘Oh dear, I see your dilemma, you hadn’t
started treatment?’ she confirms.

‘No, her husband put an end to the idea,
but this will kill them,’ tears are in my eyes.

‘No Emily, I am sure if they love you they
will be fully supportive, if not a little envious,’ she assures me, ‘we need to
get a scan done ASAP if you think you must be a few months along.’

How am I going to manage financially?  I
will have to work up to the due date and take just a few weeks off, I will have
to pay for childcare. I have never felt so alone in my life and the one person
I want to tell, I can’t it would break her heart.

I sit in the waiting room at the hospital,
mesmerized by all the protruding abdomens that are present.  I am in a daze as
the sonographer places the jelly on my tummy and moves the probe around. 

‘There we are, there is your baby,’ I turn
and look, squinting for a moment, before I see the tiny baby arched around a
flicker, which I guess is the heartbeat.  A cross appears and stretches across
the screen as the sonographer takes the measurements, ‘my guess is you are
about twelve weeks! Have you only just found out?’

‘Yes, I still have my periods.’ I explain.

‘Happens sometimes,’ she shrugs, ‘well
everything seems fine, has your doctor given you folic acid and vitamins?’

‘Yes.’

‘Do you want a picture?’ she urges.

‘Yes, please.’ I watch the baby wriggle
about, it is really a baby.  When I reach my flat I place the scan picture in
my bedside cabinet and push it to the back of my mind.  I am not showing in the
slightest, if anything I look slimmer than normal, due to the sickness. I go
about my days in the normal way the sickness easing slightly after a few weeks,
my boobs are the only thing that seem to be growing.  I take to wearing looser
clothes, not because I particularly need them, but so that people won’t notice
when I do. 

I visit Lucy and Tom and feel awful sitting
there with my baby safely tucked away and them unable to have any.

‘You ok, Em?’ Tom asks, when Lucy exits the
room.

I think about confiding in Tom but then
remember that I will once again be encouraging him to keep something from Lucy,
which inadvertently will be interfering in their marriage.

My mouth opens then Lucy reenters, ‘you
look a bit pale, Emily,’ Lucy tilts her head to the side.

‘Everything is fine,’ I reassure her, my
eyes moving down to my plate, ‘how are things with you?’ I use diversion
tactics.

‘Yeah, periods aren’t as bad thankfully,’
she rolls her eyes about to say something then stops herself, it is going to be
a subject that we cannot discuss now, I realize this.  I stand and collect the
plates moving into the kitchen ready to load up the dishwasher.