All New Letters From a Nut (3 page)

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Prof. Tulpplein I, 1018 GX Amsterdam, Netherlands, Tel: +31 (0)10 622 6060, Fax +31 (0)20 622 5808.
[email protected]
,
www.intercontinental.com
This Hotel is owned by B.V. Amstel Hotel Maatshappij and operated by IHG Management (Netherlands) B.V. ABN AMRO Bank, Amsterdam, Accountnr.: 43.56.31.187, IBAN: NL41ABNA0435631187, B&C: ABNANL2A Chamber of Commerce Amsterdam: 34253641, VAT nr.: NL8I6156992B01

Full text of the above letter to follow.

Bezoek ook
onze website:

www.ichotelsgroup.com

TED L. NANCY
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
GGlendale, CA 91201
USA

Full text of the above letter to follow.

TED L. NANCY
1413 1/2 Kenneth Rd. #193
Glendale, CA 91201 USA

Reservations
Amstel Hotel
Professor Tulpplein 1
1018 GX Amsterdam
The Netherlands

5/18/9

Dear Hotel Amstel Reservations:

Thank you very kindly for getting back to me. In this day and age it is so nice to deal with a hotel as professional and dignified as yours. I understand your concern about keeping 300 hamsters in my room. It is wrong. I now realize that is a disease issue.

That is why I have decided to re-stage my HAMSTERDAM play. It is now called: AMSTERCLAM. It will take place June 18–29 in your city. It involves a telling of your Amsterdam using clams. I use 500 clams in the performance. All clams have been inoculated for diseases. I keep them contained in special “clam cups” which have been cleared by local U.S. health peoples. I believe his name is Andy. (Have paperwork)

AMSTERCLAM is a telling of Amsterdam showing the beginning of your city, which settled as a fishing village in 1275. I cover the Dutch Golden Age using real clam food which is crickets, pumpkin seeds, & dry toast. In the performance I touch on the oldest building in Amsterdam het Houten Huys. I will NOT mention your Red Light District as my show is for seniors.

Now. I need 3 rooms for 12 nights, June 18–29, 2009. I need to bring 500 clams into your hotel and have them live in the rooms with me. Clams are not like filthy hamsters. They are wet. These clams will be kept all over the room on the bed and the dressers & the rug glopping in their shells. They squish around. They will undulate around the room. Please alert Housekeeping so when they open the door they can spray. This is for 12 nights. I was hoping to interest Tarmo Mitt, the worlds strongest man in this. But he said “no.” Thank you for your help. Your hotel is wonderful. To reiterate: June 18–29, 12 nights, 3 rooms, 500 clams. Lysol spray. I look forward to my reply.

Sincerely,

Full text of the above letter to follow.

Embassy of the United States of America

The Hague, June 17, 2009     

Mr. Ted L. Nancy
1413 1/2 Kenneth Road No. 193
Glendale, CA 91201

Dear Mr. Nancy,

Thank you for your letter of March 31, 2009, in which you describe your play “Hamsterdam” and your inquiry about the requirements for bringing to the Netherlands your troupe of 300 performing hamsters.

The Netherlands is a member country of the European Union, which has harmonized regulations for the non-commercial importation of pets. The standard document for a pet is the so-called “pet passport.” You can apply for pet passports at the nearest U.S. Passport agency office or selected U.S. Post Offices. The facility nearest you is the Glendale Main Post Office, 313 E Broadway, Glendale, CA 91209–9998, telephone 818–265–9200. You may download the passport application forms from the U.S. Department of State website. You should bring with you the completed and signed applications (inked paw-prints are acceptable) plus two 2-inch by 2-inch color photos of each hamster. These photos should be full-face frontal view, and the hamsters should be in their normal attire, not their costumes. Because the hamsters are under 16, they do not need to accompany you when you apply for their passports, but you will need to document that you are their legal guardian. The normal delivery time for a passport is 4 to 6 weeks; expedited service is available for a surcharge.

You and your hamsters do not require a visa to visit the Netherlands; they are eligible for the hamster visa waiver program.

An additional consideration is that the European Hamster, Cricetus cricetus, is indigenous to the Netherlands and is a protected species. Therefore, you will need to assure immigration authorities that your hamsters will not crossbreed with the Dutch hamsters. We note in particular that Miss Lillian may prove troublesome in this regard. You will need to provide documents from your veterinarian that each of the hamsters has been spayed or neutered, or has been on a recognized birth control regimen for 3 months prior to arrival, or has been trained in the use of condoms. If the latter, then you need to ensure that the hamsters have ready access to accepted condoms; hamster prophylactics are readily available in pharmacies and pet stores in the Netherlands.

Full text of the above letter to follow.

You will also need to show immigration authorities that your hamsters have return tickets to the United States. Your failure to do so may lead these authorities to believe that your cast is part of a commercial shipment destined for pet shops or restaurants. In this case, Dutch immigration will require documentation that none of the hamsters is the product of genetic modification; European food laws are very strict concerning the approval of products of biotechnology for human food use.

The Embassy Community and I are very much looking forward to your presentation of “Hamsterdam.” In this, the 400
^th
anniversary year of Henry Hudson’s historic voyage of discovery to the New York area, activities such as yours can go far to enhance the already strong bilateral relationship between the United States and the Netherlands. Please let us know if you need any financial assistance with your presentation. Our Public Diplomacy office has special funds that can be used to assist theatrical productions such as yours.

We look forward to your visit and to your successful performance, and I am certain Dutch and American expatriates will flock to see “Hamsterdam, The History of Amsterdam.”