All My Tomorrows (18 page)

“What are you saying?”

“Come be with me. You cannot tell me, after last
night, that you love him. We belong together.”

“You want me to leave my husband?”

“Divorce him and marry me.”

“It’s not that simple. I…I am a duchess now, and this
could destroy your political career.”

He pulled me close to him. “I don’t give a damn about
being reelected. I just want you.” Then he kissed me until I was breathless.
“I’ll be in London all week. I fly out on Friday. Be on that plane with me.”

When Tony left, I stared after him. What was I going
to do? I felt like the baron who was married to someone but loved another. What
could I do? I had to stay with Robert. He was my husband, and I had vowed to
stay with him until death. But I felt such guilt for being dishonest by
pretending to love him when I loved Tony. How could I go on pretending not to
love Tony? I knew we could never have a platonic relationship, but I couldn’t
bear to have him out of my life again. Isn’t divorce better than adultery? What
was I going to do?

☼

Giselle stepped into the writers’ room a week
later as if nothing had happened.

“Hi, everyone. Mr. Peacock said I should tell you
all I am back so…here I am.” She smiled, as lovely as ever.

Alice gawked at her in silence as the others
welcomed her back with a startling lack of curiosity. When Giselle walked out,
Alice jump up and ran after her.

“Giselle. Giselle!”

Giselle stopped and turned around. “Hi, Alice.”

“Where the hell have you been?”

She donned Sienna’s complacent smile. “It’s not
important. I’m here now.”

“You’re just going to waltz in here as if nothing
has happened with no explanation?”

“There’s nothing to explain. I’m sorry I caused
you all so much extra work.”

“Forget that! Well, no, don’t forget that because
that wasn’t good either, but I was worried sick about you!”

Although Giselle fought it, eventually her face
cracked and tears welled in her eyes. “I’m sorry, Alice. I’m so sorry. I should
have listened to you. I’ve been an idiot.”

“Well, where’s Rich?”

“I don’t know. Frankly, I don’t care. I want you
to know how sorry I am that I didn’t trust you. I don’t know what I was
thinking. I wasn’t thinking.”

With beautiful, sweet Giselle crying before her,
Alice couldn’t bring herself to press for more information. Instead, she pulled
her into her arms and hugged her close. “If you ever do want to talk about it,
I am here for you.”

“Yes, I know. You always have been. That’s what I
told him. You are the most forgiving person I know.”

Giselle
had already walked away when Alice realized she wasn’t exactly sure whom she
meant by “him.”

CHAPTER
14

The Edge
of Darkness

Chapter
24

Almost three months had passed since I had walked out
on Tony in his London hotel room after making love and arguing, when I left him
to break both our hearts. The next time I saw him, once again he filled my
television screen.

“Eight years ago,” he said from behind the podium, “my
father, Senator Molly Hollingsworth, brought this bill before Congress. It is
my intention this time to see it become law.” And then two shots rang out.

Many Americans had seen it live, but I didn’t see it
until I woke up the next morning. The caption at the bottom of the screen did
not prepare me, and at the echoing shots, I started screaming.

It took us forever to get to Washington. No amount of
wealth makes the ocean smaller. We arrived the following day, and I realized it
was the twentieth anniversary of the fire. We were met at the airport by hoards
of reporters taking pictures and yelling questions, but I just kept crying and
walking with Robert holding on to me.

We went straight to the hospital. Tony was unconscious
and looked like death in the hospital bed with tubes and monitors around him.
They had operated, but the doctor told us his chances of surviving were low.
“I’m surprised he’s held on this long,” he said.

As I sat next to his bed, I recalled waking up the
morning after my brother’s death to find him sitting there. I remembered
tasting his sweat on my lips and being jealous that he had been loving another
woman. That night when we were dancing in the rain, holding hands, being glad
to be alive. Now I wasn’t. As long as Tony was alive somewhere in the world,
even though I couldn’t have him, it gave me a reason to live, remembering him
telling me how precious life is. Now I knew if he died, that part of me would
die with him.

Then I remembered our bitter parting words when I
refused to go to America.

“When you are in bed with the duke, are you thinking
of me when you fuck him?”

“You should be asking if I think of Robert when I fuck
you!”

They made me cry even harder. Those couldn’t be the
last words I ever said to him.

Tony’s eyes fluttered and opened, and I flew to his
side. “Oh, God. Tony! My Tony.”

“Lexie, don’t cry,” he said, his voice weak and just
above a whisper. “Life is too short and precious to waste grieving.”

I brushed my hands over his hair. “Hold on. Don’t give
up. It will only conquer us if you let it.”

“Did…did they catch him?”

I nodded. “Over that same damn bill.”

“Lexie, will you ever forgive me for leaving you that
day without saying goodbye, never reading your letters?”

“I did a long time ago.”

“Lexie, that night we were together, that was the most
amazing…”

“I know. I will always remember it. There is something
I never told you but I always felt. I love you. I love you more than life
itself, and nothing will stop me from loving you – even death.”

“I love you, Lexie. After I left you, I never loved
anyone again.” Then his eyes closed, and the monitor screeched.

“Tony,” I cried, and then I screamed. “Tony!”

As the hospital staff surrounded us, I kissed his face
and lips, still warm, and my tears fell on his cheeks. He looked so peaceful,
and I thought, he’s only sleeping, but the doctor only shook his head as the
screeching stopped.

I turned around and faced Robert standing near the
corner. His face looked as devastated as I felt. I clung to him in my agony.
“He’s gone, Robert. Tony is gone.” My voice was trembling, and so was I.

“I know,” he said levelly, then he led me into the
corridor.

I looked up at him, and he looked so sad, on the verge
of tears. I remembered seeing that pain in someone else’s eyes. “Tony, Tony, it
will be all right.”

“I’m not Tony, Goddammit! I’m your husband! Remember
me?” He shook me as his own tears began to fall. “It was you! You are the one Tony
spoke of as his only love! It is he who had broken your heart!”

He continued to shake me and scream at me, but I
couldn’t hear any more through my own hysterics.

I screamed back, “Don’t you know he’s dead? I will
never have him again! The only man I ever – “

“The only man you ever loved? That’s it, isn’t it?” He
was enraged and shook me again. “Isn’t it? Answer me!”

I jerked away and took my pain out on him. “Yes! Yes,
it’s true. I never loved you. I only used you to help me forget Tony. I didn’t
know what I was sacrificing! And you know what else? I conceived his child, but
I had an abortion to save your feelings! I will never forgive myself for
killing his baby and for not going with him when I had the chance.”

Then he slapped me across the face. “You may as well
have gone with him because you have lost us both now.” He stormed off as I held
my cheek and fell to the floor, weak and dizzy.

Mother appeared and cradled my head in her hands. “Lexie,
my sweet Lexie.”

“Tad is dead,” I cried. “They killed Tad. My brother
is dead.”

“Dear, Tad has been dead for a long time.”

“No. They came yesterday. Tony’s taking care of me.”

“No, baby, Tony’s been shot. Tony’s dead.”

Then I pulled away from her and, kneeling on the
hospital floor, began screaming. “Mommy! Mommy! Tad, get Mommy! Tad, go get
Mommy!”

I knew the press must have been having a field day
with this, especially in Britain. “Duchess Freaks at Senator/Brother’s
Deathbed.”

After a few days of denying the deaths of Tad and
Tony, I started making “progress.” Soon I was allowed visitors, although that
was more punishment than privilege.

Mother came. “They say you could be out in a week or
two. Yesterday was Tony’s funeral…”

Of all people, after all these years, Annette showed
up. “I just want you to know that I do not regret anything, and if I had it to
do again, I would.”

“Even knowing all the pain you caused?”

“As long as I caused it for you, and look where you
are now.”

“Annette, why do you hate me so much?”

“I was Mother’s favorite until you came. And then she
started loving you more than she did me. You even got my brother to love you.
He betrayed me because of you.”

“If you had just told him the truth, he could have had
some happiness these last years.”

“I don’t care, if he would have had it with you.”

Robert came, too. “Hello, darling.” He kissed me on
the forehead and handed me bouquet of flowers.

“Th-they’re beautiful.” I looked into his smiling
face. “Then you’ve forgiven me?”

“Of course, darling. I want you to concentrate on
getting better. Because the sooner you get well, the sooner I can have my
divorce.”

My God, my God, what have I done? Twenty-six, and I
had nothing left to live for.  I had destroyed my marriage to a man who loved
me. I had lost all the men I cared about – Daddy, Tad, Tony. I lay in my
starched white bed and wished I were that little girl listening to the
raindrops on the awning of my home and smelling Mommy’s homemade bread. How
complicated life becomes. I used to make up stories to make my life more
interesting, but now I realized truth is stranger than fiction.

But now I am safe, at least for the moment, tucked
away from the world. No worries, no responsibilities, no heart wrenching
decisions. The world didn’t stop just because I wasn’t helping it spin. Now I
could rest and remember the lizard that used to live outside my window. Now,
for the first time in twenty years, I could listen to the rain.

☼

Alice turned the page, but the next one was blank,
only to be followed by information on other books from that publisher.
This
can’t be the end. Where’s the happily ever after?
She checked the binding
to see if any pages had been ripped out.
That’s the end? No deus ex machina?

“Where’s my happily ever after?” She threw the
book against the wall.

“Alice,” Mr. Peacock said from her doorway just as
the book hit the floor, his tone of voice far too grim for first thing in the
morning and only half a cup of coffee. “Are you all right?”

“You can tell Winnie Johnson, that is most
decidedly
not
a romance novel!”

Mr. Peacock wrinkled his brow at her in confusion,
but his curiosity did not rise to the level of requiring an explanation. “Jack
Hartz is here. He is asking to see you.”

The blood drained from Alice’s face and left it
tingling. “Oh…okay. Did he say why?”

“Will you see him?”

She nodded and Mr. Peacock stepped back to allow
Jack to come through. Jack closed the door and sat down.

“How’ve you been, Alice?” He spoke like a
mortician.

“You’re kind of freaking me out, Jack. Could we
save the pleasantries for later and get to the point?”

He held up a folded newspaper and slid it across
the desk to her. “He…we wanted you to see this before everyone else.”

She unfolded
The Intruder
to the front page
emblazoned with the headline “Peter Walsingham Engaged!” over a fuzzy picture
of Peter smiling, his eyes closed as he embraced a woman with her back to the
camera.

“Oh, God.” She checked for her trashcan to be sure
it was near in case she had to throw up.

“There are more inside.”

“I don’t think I want to see anymore.”

“I’m sorry, Alice. He was right. He said you’d be
upset. I didn’t realize it would bother you so much.”

She rubbed her eyes and repeated the mantra to
herself,
I will not cry. I will not cry
. “Oh, he
knew
this would
upset me!” She had to know. “Who is she?”

After several seconds of silence, she began to
think he wouldn’t answer, but he responded with another question. “Who is who?”

“The woman. His fiancée – the woman in the
picture.”

He said nothing until she looked up at his puzzled
eyes. “Alice, it’s you.”

The shock hit her like a bucket of cold water.
“Me?”

“Yes – it’s the two of you at Alsace Aquitaine.”

She yanked the blurry image up to her face then
turned the pages to the story, and there they were. Peter holding her hands as
they gazed into each other’s eye. Her face then lit up with surprise and
excitement. Finally, her grinning from ear to ear with her arms around his
neck.

Alice perused the photos and the short article
describing an intimate dinner for two during which Peter popped the question.

Then she burst out laughing. She threw her head
back and guffawed as Jack sat with his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open.

“So you…you aren’t upset?”

“With a story this ridiculous? I can’t believe
even
The Intruder
could get something this wrong. I bet Peter is livid.”

“So he didn’t ask you to marry him that night?”

“Of course not. Why? Didn’t he tell you it wasn’t
true?”

“He didn’t tell me what was happening in the
photos, but he never said they weren’t true, so I thought…”

“He probably thought it was too ludicrous for him
even to deny!”

“Then what did he tell you that night?”

“That he…oh, it’s not important anymore. Tell him
I am very sorry he has the discomfort of having to refute being engaged to
someone as insignificant as Alice McGillicutty. Does he wish me to issue a
statement?”

“No. In fact, he told his publicist not to respond
at all.”

“That’s probably wise. It’ll die down much faster
if he doesn’t issue a denial, which would just incite more questions and keep
it in the tabloids that much longer. What I don’t understand is why now. This
was three weeks ago. I thought this rag was all about being first with the ‘big
story.’”

“I have no idea why they came out now. I think a
waiter took them.”

She glanced at the photos a moment longer until a
bittersweet ache just below her sternum compelled her to close the paper. “How
is he?”

“Still keeping to himself. Still won’t look at any
scripts I bring him.”

“Did he…” Should she?
Oh, to hell with it
.
“Did he have a message for me or ask about me?”

“When he called me, he thought you would be really
angry about this engagement story. When I said I’d come see you, he said, ‘Find
out how she’s doing. I hope she’s all right.’”

She wrinkled her brow and thought aloud, “How
odd.” With too much she wanted to ask, she instead said nothing more.

“Is Giselle around? Do you think she’d talk to
me?”

“Well, there’s only one way to find out. She
should be in make-up or her dressing room.”

He grinned and started to go. “Thanks, Alice.”

“Do you mind if I keep this?” she asked with a
finger on
The Intruder
. “Not every day I get to pretend I’m engaged to a
movie star.”

A few days later, Alice came out of her office
just as Jack and Giselle returned from lunch, smiling and holding hands and
even kissing goodbye. As Jack left, Alice hopped to catch up with Giselle.