All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4) (29 page)

I didn’t believe Kayden could be afraid of anything.

“Please tell me that I didn’t ruin us. I need to be able to fix it. Belle,” reaching out around my own hand, he places both of his on my face, pulling me even closer. Leveling his eyes dead center on mine, so close that I can see my tears and pain reflected back at me, they soften and he speaks again.  “Don’t leave me.”

Kayden’s biggest fear. The reason no one could connect with him before and the reason he’s never loved anyone since his mom. He’s afraid of losing them.

He’s afraid of losing me.

We’re damaged, but we’re not broken. I meant what I said earlier, I won’t ever leave him, not when the reason I’m here and strong enough to stand up to him and the things he said is because of his impact on my life. The way he’s made it better than it was a year ago.

The way he loved me and taught me how to love him in return.

“I energy you, Kay. I’m not leaving.”

I hear his breath catch and before I can ask why, he beats me to it.

“What happens if I screw up again? Push you away
or hurt you?”

“I can’t promise you things will be perfect or
that we won’t be broken, but Kay, even when you push me away, I won’t ever leave.”

Pulling my hand away from his face and bringing it over to rest on top of his, I grab ahold of it and pull it down until it’s resting on my heart.

“Do you feel the way it beats? The movement of each beat? I love you Kayden and as long as I have that beat, I always will.”

Kayden

So much has changed. The way she responds to me, giving my heart everything it needs right now to keep going, it’s the way she’s always been, but the strength it takes to do it, that’s different.

Belle isn’t the same person she was a year ago. She’s not even the same person she was months ago when I left for Toronto. She’s stronger, better somehow even though I didn’t think it was possible for her to be any more than she already was.

She’s everything.

It’s not the right time to remember, but just like the night outside her house when I asked her to be mine, my mind again floods with my mom’s words.

“You were my light.”

That’s what Belle is to me. I’ve called her a life preserver before, but that’s not right. She’s more than that. She’s the light. The only person able to break through the hazy dark mess I’ve become.

She’s my sunshine.

“You’re my sunshine.”

“What is it with that word?”

“What word?”

“Sunshine. You said it earlier and I swear, you’ve never called me that before but it was so familiar.”

I can’t help myself. When she admits how familiar the word is, I smile bigger then I think I ever have before. She’s right. I’ve never called her that before, but I did sit here and sing it to her and it’s that memory triggering her response now. She was asleep, but just like I thought, her heart heard me.

“Why are you smiling? What aren’t you telling me?”

Breaking our connection just long enough to pull my phone from my pants, I unlock it and go straight into the music. I could easily sit here and explain it all to her in drawn out detail, but I have a feeling this will go a lot easier.

Finding the song and pushing play, I don’t say another word. I just let it
play, bringing myself fully on the bed and pulling her into my arms. The way I’ve wanted her to be since the night on the beach and the way I’m going to want her for the rest of my life.

“Kay.” She whispers once the song has played all the way through and them room is drenched in silence again.

“Mhmm?”

“My mom used to sing that to me.”

“I know.”

“How?”

“I was there when she did it.”

“It still doesn’t explain why the word sunshine means something. She hasn’t sung that in a long time, so why am I remembering now?”

“Easy. She’s not the only one that sang it to you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Last night, when I came back after stupidly running away,” I stop as her body pulls away from mine in order to look up. “I sang it to you. It was a memory I had of our time together and it was my way of showing you in actions that I was sorry and I loved you.”

“You left?” she asks, completely overlooking everything I told her and I sigh. I knew this was going to happen. I should have found a better way to word it because now I’ve gotta admit another way I screwed up.

“Yeah. After what happened, my head was a mess. It’s still a mess but it was worse then. I told Dillon you were better off being with people that wouldn’t hurt you and I left.”

Truth is, I feel like shit about leaving more than I do everything else that happened. Dillon was right when he said that leaving wasn’t right and if I had only screwed my brain back in sooner, I might have saved myself and her even more heartache.

It’s just another thing I’ve got to make up for.

“I screwed up again. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, Kay.”

“No.” Shaking my head, I make sure she knows I don’t want her doing this anymore. No more sweeping my stupidity under the rug. She was right about that earlier. I needed to own it like I did the other mistakes I made. “Don’t make light of it. I fucked up.”

“Kay?”

“Yeah?”

“Shut up.”

Putting my fingers to my lips once they’re closed, I twist them around, like a key locking a door and I’m rewarded when she smiles.

“I’m not making light of it. I hate that you left, but it’s not what I want to focus on. You left and it hurts, but the important thing is, you came back.”

Well shit. I don’t know what the hell to say to
that. It’s not a joke, she did silence me. I’m speechless.

“You can talk now if you want.” She says as she places her fingers to my lips and unlocks them with a laugh.

“I energy you, Isabelle Reagan. That’s all I’ve got.”

“Good, because Kayden Walker,” she pauses as she says my full name, her lips raising again in another smile. “All you’ve got is all I want.”

Chapter Twenty-Five

Kayden

“Man, I know you don’t wanna leave her, but she’s asleep. Go home and shower. You stink. At some point she’s gonna call you on it.”

I hear him but there’s no way I’m about to admit he’s right. I know how badly I smell, I’ve been livin
g with it for the last two days. The thing is, I don’t care how bad it is, I don’t want her to wake up and not be here.

We might have talked through our issues, but all of the missteps are still with me, especially the one where I walked away from her. If she wakes up and I’m not here, with what she knows I did, it’s going to make her remember and I can’t let that happen.

So smelling like old socks and sweat it is.

“Shut up. It’s not that bad.”

“See the way she is right now?” Dillon asks and when I look over at her sleeping peacefully, I nod and he laughs. “She only looks like she’s sleeping, but really, the stench coming off you made her pass out.”

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re an ass?”

“Every day. Love you too bro.”  Pursing his lips at me before sticking his tongue out, I laugh and he starts again. “Go home, Kayden. It’s time for me to watch over Sleeping Beauty.”

“Don’t you mean Cinderella?”

There’s this moment when he says he wants to watch over her that I feel the familiar rise of jealousy building, but as quickly as it comes, I squash it. I meant what I said to her. I’m gonna make this right, which means not losing my shit when anyone makes comments like Dillon just did.

I’m determined to get better with this. I’m not stupid enough to think I’m gonna be perfect overnight, but I’m gonna learn how to adapt t
o other people noticing my girlfriend. I’m going to handle it better.

Handle it the same way I did when I walked away from the guy standing in the room a year ago when I wanted nothing more than to beat the shit out of him.

“Nope. I mean Sleeping Beauty. Cinderella is your thing.”

“It was yours first.”

“Only because I said that shit out loud, which if you ever bring up again, I will beat your ass for.”

“You’ll stay with her while I’m gone?”

“No. I’m telling you to go so I can fuck off and leave her alone.”

“Ass.”

“Really? Where’s the originality?”

“Screw off, Dill.” I laugh before sliding out of the chair and leaning over the bed until my lips are firmly planted on the top of her head. The place where her stitches are and the place I must have kissed a million times since she woke up yesterday.

“I’ll be back soon, sunshine. If Dillon gives you shit, you’ve got my permission to kick his ass.”

“Hey! I’m gonna tell her you’re being mean to me.”

“You know what, Dill? You’re not an ass. You’re a baby.”

“Go home, Stinky. We don’t want your kind here.”

“Yeah, you’ve told me that more than once. Look, I know I don’t have the right to ask this with as much time as you’ve been spending here lately, but you think you can stay with her a little longer than a shower would take?”

“Yeah, why?”

“There’s something I’ve been meaning to do for a couple of days, but I couldn’t.”

“Vague much?”

“That’s the idea. So can you do it?”

“You really need to ask me that?”

“Yeah, I do.”

Dillon’s been at the hospital every day since they brought her in and despite having a
girlfriend in town, one that he’s only seen a couple of times since his paperwork came through, he hasn’t made a move to leave.

The way he’s been could easily be explained away as him attempting to do right by Belle for
everything he put her through, but I know differently. He cares about her, she’s his friend and when Dillon cares about someone, he’s a lot like Belle. He doesn’t walk away. It’s the reason it was so easy to be around him again this year. Even when we hated each other, we still gave a shit.

What I’ve got to do, it’s the next step for me in trying to make this right. Belle wasn’t the only person I hurt when I temporarily let my fear get the better of me. There was another person that felt my wrath and in order to really move on from this, make things right in actions, it’s him I’ve got to go see now.

After I take the shower of course.

“No, you don’t. You need me here, it’s where I’m gonna be. Besides
, when she wakes up I’m gonna tell her you called me an ass and she’ll slap you again.”

I knew I was gonna regret telling him that.

“Whatever. It might be a couple hours, but text me when she wakes up alright?”

“No. I feel like making you suffer. You called me mean names.”

“Dillon.”

“Kayden.”

Moving across the room quickly, I slip my arms around his neck until I’ve got him completely tied up in a headlock.

“Text me when s
he wakes up, and thanks.” I say with a laugh before releasing the hold and diving out the door quickly before he decides on an even worse way to retaliate. The last thing I need is to get kicked out of her room for goofing off with that jackass.

I’m determined to make the promise I made when she was sleeping our reality.

I came back and I’m never leaving again. Not ever.

~*~*~

After texting Grace and getting the address, I pull up in front of the house and turn the car off, giving myself the mother of all pep talks so I can get out and make my way to the front door.

I’m probably the last person Isaac Crawford wants to see, but even knowing it, I’ve got to see this through. This isn’t just about me anymore, it’s about her and with the wheels turning in my head so much while she’s sleeping, making things right wit
h him, it’s gotta happen. What I want to do next depends on it.

Sliding out of the car, walking to the front door and ringing the bell, I take a step back, hoping that I haven’t overstepped and that he’s going to be here. When the door opens and a woman appears, I smile weakly and wait until she returns it with one of her own.

“I’m sorry to stop by like this, but is Isaac home?”

Holy shit. It’s like I’m in the library in high school all over again. As sincere as I’m being, it’s unreal. I can’t believe this kind of thing is actually coming out of my mouth.

“Yes he’s here, but I’m afraid I don’t know who you are.”

“Kayden Walker, Ma’am. I’m a friend of Isaac’s from school.”

Its total bullshit and I can tell by the surprised look on her face that she probably knows it too, but I can’t let that stop me. I might not be his friend, but I’m hoping by the time this is over, we can be.

“Well, he’s up in his room right now, but come in and make yourself comfortable while I go up and let him know you’re here.” She responds with a smile, moving out of the way of the door, pointing toward the living room before making her way up the stairs after I’ve come in and closed the door behind me.

I know she said to make myself comfortable, but considering what happened between me and her kid, the last thing I feel right now is comfort. I do what she says though and head down the hall until I’m standing in front of the sofa.

After standing completely
still for I have no idea how long, I feel a hand touch my shoulder and spinning around, I come face to face with Mrs. Crawford again and this time, she’s not alone. Isaac is behind her and in his hand is a pen and pad.

“Well, I’ll leave you boys to talk, but holler if you need anything.” She smiles warmly before turning and removing herself completely from the room, leaving me alone with the guy that’s now staring at me with a look of confusion mixed with disgust.

A look I’m more than a little familiar with.

Holding out the pad to me, I take it and just like it used to be with Belle, he’s cut through the bullshit and got down to the reason I’m here.

What do you want Kayden?

“I need to talk to you about what happened.”

He takes the pad from me, but instead of writing, he moves toward the sofa and sits down, tapping it with his hand, motioning for me to do the same.

What about it?

“I want to apologize and explain if you’ll let me.”

There’s nothing to explain. I got the message loud and clear.

“You got the wrong message.”

You mean you didn’t think I wanted your girlfriend and that we were screwing around behind your back? You didn’t believe she was cheating on you?

Well shit. He nailed me pretty quickly. That’s exactly what the message was when it happened.

“Yes, but no. I did think that. All of it, but I was wrong.”

Yes you were wrong. You were also the worst kind of jerk.

“You’re not saying anything I don’t already know.”

I’ve been dealing with jerks like you my entire life. What you walked up and saw with me and Belle, she was trying to do the right thing for me even though I told her to leave me alone. She wouldn’t listen and when she hugged me, I didn’t want to let go because she made the hurt stop.

Son of a bitch. I remember
the marks on his face, the ones that are still there now even though they’re faded. He was hurting, but I was so blinded, I didn’t give a shit. I was an asshole.

The very thing I’ve been fighting not to be for a year.

“What happened to you?”

Those guys Belle calls meatheads, I went to school with them and they’ve been saying dirty things to her for weeks. When they saw she wa
sn’t with me, they decided to do something about it. Belle was helping and then you came along and it was the same thing all over again. Another angry jerk I had to defend myself against. Another jerk that wanted to say mean things about my best friend and hurt her.

My stomach turns when he lumps me in the same category as the guys that have been causing problems for him at school, but even with as sick as it makes me, I can’t deny it. I was just as bad as them and I did say things that hurt Belle.

“You’re right. I was a jerk. Can I try and explain?”

He nods and relief washes over me. He’s given me what Belle did. More than I deserve.

“I’ve had a really fucked up life and it’s no excuse, but when I got with Belle, it was like everything was set right again. Everyone I’ve ever loved, they bailed on me and I was just waiting for Belle to clue in and do it too. I stopped seeing what was real. When I saw the two of you hugging, the same way it felt when I caught you holding her hand, it flipped a switch in my head. All I could see was her being with you because you can understand her in a way that I just can’t. I couldn’t let her leave too.”

I have no clue if any of that made sense, but it was the god’s honest truth and right now, that’s all I’ve got left to give.

Belle is amazing, Kayden. You’re a lucky guy, but she’s lucky too. No one but my parents has ever cared about me the way you care about her. I don’t know much about love, but I think I saw it in your eyes when we had lunch and I told her that. Someday I want that for myself, but not with your girlfriend. Kayden, I’m gay. She’s just my friend. My best and only friend.

Shit. Definitely wasn’t expecting that to be his response.

“I’m sorry, Isaac. What happened that day, it wasn’t about you. I know that I made it about you, but it was all shit that was going on with me and I took it out on the wrong person.”

I understand. I’m not mad anymore. I forgive you.

Hearing that he forgives me for what happened should be enough, but it’s not. The way he answered, telling me that Belle is lucky to have me, there’s still something else I need to do.

“Belle is really your only friend?”

Yes. No one wants to be friends with the guy who can’t speak.

“That’s not exactly true.”

What do you mean?

“Even though we started off on the wrong foot and I don’t exactly deserve to call some
one like you my friend, I gotta ask.”

Ask what?

“You in the market for another friend? Even if he is a total meathead asshole?”

Sure :) But there’s a condition.

The happy face on the paper, it’s like being transported back in time and even though the feeling isn’t exactly the same as it was then, it still has the same end result. It sets me right again. What I did coming here was right.

I did the right thing.

Finally.

“What’s the condition?”

You promise to use your asshole powers for good and not evil. :)

Taking the pad
and reading the words, I laugh before placing it on the sofa between us and extending my hand, waiting patiently while he clues in to what I’m doing and meets mine with his own, shaking it.

“You got yourself a deal.”