All My Heart (Count On Me Book 4) (13 page)

“It’s my mom, Belle. My mom’s home.”

Belle

When he told me that someone had been to visit Dean, I always knew deep down it would be her. There was a split second where I wondered if maybe his dad had finally grown a conscience and come home, but it was more likely that it was his mom.

There are these instances I remember from when we were kids and I’ve been thinking about them a lot more since he told me about Dean. I might not have said much about it but I remember hearing my mom whispering into the phone more than once.

I used to think she was talking to my dad, working out some sort of arrangement so he could finally spend some time with me, but when he didn’t come around, I gave up on that idea. It was definitely something else; something she didn’t want anyone to overhear or know about.

Could she have been keeping in contact with Daphne Walker all this time? Did my mom know that her old friend would be coming back and if she did, why didn’t she tell us?

Kayden loves his mom. I can see it in his expression right now, though it’s not as black and white as I used to think. For every ounce of love he has for her, he has double it in hatred and mistrust and he has every right.

She took off on him without so muc
h as an explanation why and hasn’t come back since. He was just a little boy at the time and I’m pretty sure that it works the same for normal people the way it does for us. Just because we might not be able to verbalize it, when bad things happen, we take the blame on ourselves.

I know I did it when my dad walked out and I did it again when Eric got picked on last year. It was my fault that it
happened. Deep down I know there’s more to it and that it’s not my fault, but reacting; believing you’re at fault, it’s the first place your mind goes.

It’s one of the ways I think Kayden is like me. When she left he thought it was because of him and he’s been battling with it ever since. It’s a thin line between love and hate and Kayden has been walking the tightrope for ten years now, slipping and falling before climbing back on and forcing himself forward.

“Where is she?”

“He didn’t say. I guess if I wanna know that, I gotta go there. He just said she was back and that I needed to warn you because she knows you’re staying in the house.”

Dean wanting Kayden to warn me is weird. As far as I’ve been able to tell there hasn’t been a day, except maybe the one or two times in freshman year, where Dean’s cared about me at all. I’ve always just been the retard across the street to him, so I’m not sure I believe this.

“Dean wanted you to warn me?”

He nods and shrugs as if he can read my mind and is just as confused as I am about Dean’s motivations.

“None of this makes a whole lot of sense, Belle. I just know that this time, Dean’s telling the truth. He wouldn’t lie to me about Daphne.”

I don’t miss the way he’s started calling her by her first name instead of Mom. It just proves how conflicted is. He’s trying to separate himself any way that he can.

“What do you want to do?”

“What can I do? I have no idea where she is or when she’s going to come knocking on the door. Unless I go see Dean and he tells me where she’s staying, I’m a sitting duck.
We’re
sitting ducks.”

“Maybe we need to go see him.”

“I don’t know if I can do that. It was hard enough before. It’s worse now.”

“Why?”

“You really don’t know?”

He
seems surprised that I don’t understand what he means. I know that I’m different than most people and can pick up on things that others don’t, but how going to see Dean is harder isn’t one of those times. He’s going to need to explain it.

“Dean hates her, Belle. I think he hates her more than he hates our dad and that bastard beat the hell out of him. I can’t go see him because it’s not the same for me.”

It’s starting to make sense, but I’m still not completely there yet. “Because you love her?”

“Yeah, but the minute we get into this, coming at it from different ends, it
’s gonna get all twisted up. I’m afraid I’m gonna come out of there more fucked up then when I went in. I’m scared I’ll be the way I was before. Filled with hate, loathing and venom.”

Now it makes sense. He’s been so determined to change the way he
’s been that stepping back into any reminder of the way things were before, is a line he’s not willing to cross.

He doesn’t want to turn back into the monster he believes himself to be.

“That won’t happen.”

“You can’t be sure of that.”

“Yes I can.”

“How?”

“Because you’re ignoring the first part of what I said, Kay.  I didn’t say that you should go see Dean. I said that we should.”

Kayden is stubborn. He can stand up for me, want
to be there with everything I go through, but he’s always surprised when I do it back. The way his body goes from rigid to relaxed, it’s like every other time this kind of thing happens. It feels like I’ve won the lottery because even though he doesn’t think he’s deserving, he likes the way me being there for him sounds.

“What if I bring you there and it changes me so much
I end up taking it out on you? I promised you last fall that I would make up for the last eight years and I meant it. I don’t know if I want to risk that. I
won’t
hurt you again.”

“Risk for reward, Kay.”

“Now’s not the time to be cryptic.”

“I’m not being cryptic. If we go there and you get the answers you need, then I’m willing to take the risk because we’ll get the reward.”

“You’d really risk me going off on you just so I can find out where my mom is?”

“Yes, because I know someone who would do the exact same thing for me.”

“Belle,” he says after rubbing his hands over his face and exhaling the world’s deepest breath. “If I can set it up for later, will you go with me to see Dean?”

Leaning forward and brushing my lips gently across his cheek, I don’t even hesitate giving him my response.

“Wherever you are, it’s where I need to be.”

“Now you’re just doing it intentionally.” He replies through his laughter.

“Doing what?”

“Making me turn ten different shades of red. Is that a yes?”

“I figured that was implied.”

“It was. I just needed to hear you say it again.”

“Yes Kay. I’ll go with you to see Dean. If I’m not allowed to go through anything alone, neither are you.”

Kayden

I know Dean said in his letter that the warden was cool and I could get easy enough access to him if I wanted it, but I really didn’t think it would happen this fast.

I figured there had to be a ton of bullshit to go through in order to set up a time to see him, but not twenty minutes after I hung up from the call, I was getting another one back telling me that the meeting was a go for later today.

After walking Belle to her next class with the promise of being back later to pick her up, I had no real destination in mind. I had already screwed the day in Toronto and even if I did have the time to go back and head to a class or two, I wasn’t feeling it.

Ever since I made the decision to come home, the last place on earth I want to be is back in the city. I’m starting to think that I’m a lot like Belle that way. As much a
s I can handle it, I can only do it in small doses.

Driving for a while, I don’t stop until I’m pulling up to the parking lot situated a few feet away from a small boardwalk that overlooks the beach.

At first, the beach wasn’t even on my radar. The more I drove though, letting the wind flow through the open window, cooling me after the way sitting out under the sun overheated me, the reason I’m here is clear.

In exactly one week
I will have been with Belle for an entire year. Our anniversary, it hasn’t slipped my mind. It’s not like it could even if I wanted it to. It’s huge for me since it’s the longest I’ve ever been with one person, let alone someone I care about this much.

I’ve been looking for the right place, somewhere I can take her that we haven’t done before
so I can make the night special. I might get to be with her for the next five years, maybe even ten or twenty, but it’s this one that I want to make count.

Belle deserves so much and even though there’s a lot
that I can’t give her, a night to remember, one she can look back on years from now and recall happily, I can definitely do.

I want to bring her here a
t twilight, when the sun is just below the horizon. Before the darkness takes over and all that’s left are the stars that seem to go on for miles. I want to bring her down the boardwalk, walk together, whispering, talking, laughing and kissing. I want to do it all.

This is another way that being around her has changed me. I don’t have a romantic bone in my body, o
r at least I didn’t until I started spending time with Belle again. Now all I can think about is what I can do to make her feel my love for her.

I really have become that walking, talking Hallmark card. I want to be that if it means
that her world is altered. Somehow made happier, better or brighter.

Standing out here, taking in the water, the waves pushing through, the sun high a
nd bright, a few people walking in different directions with the same idea as me, holding hands and smiling at each other, it solidifies it.

Where I wasn’t clear on things before, I am now. I know exactly how I’m going to spend my anniversary. It might not
be the perfect place, but it’s perfect for us.

With the way she enjoys her time outside, whether it’s underneath ugly low hanging trees or sitting in a wide open front lawn, the
re’s no better place for her than here. Add to it the time of night that I want to make this happen and it’s definitely going to be an anniversary neither one of us will forget.

I’m sure of it.

Chapter Thirteen

Kayden

I can’t believe I’m sitting here.

This is the last damn place
I should be, but just like I used to believe I wasn’t capable of doing the right thing, I’ve also never been much for doing the smart thing either.

I’m sitting
in a room completely devoid of color, the walls this grungy shade of gray, no windows in sight. Waiting for the one person I never thought I’d have to lay eyes on again. Dean Walker. The person who tried to take my life away and failed because of my little life preserver.

The girl
I wouldn’t let come into the room with me. Letting her come with me I could handle, but subjecting her to what I’m seeing now, how depraved and cold this room really is, it would be too much for her. She fought me on it, but eventually backed down, letting me do what I’ve wanted to do for a year now. Keep her protected, safe and away from the darkness.

My darkness.

There was a time not long ago where Donwood Correctional Facility was where I aspired to spend the rest of my life. I never for a second thought it would become Dean’s new home. It was meant for me with all the stupid shit I managed to get myself into, which thinking back, usually did involve him in some way.

Isabelle’s the reason I’m not here. My nineteenth birthday is not that far away and instead of sitting here on the other side of the plexi-glass,
being the person someone is visiting, I’m waiting for the other criminal in the family to make his grand entrance.

Dean’s been wanting to see me for months and my resolve never broke because I knew why he
wanted it. He wanted to tell me that even though he plead guilty, I was the guilty one because I put him here. I should be the one paying right alongside him instead of being out and able to live my life.

Ther
e was a point where I believed that. I was there with him through every single fight we had and I really did think I was guilty. It’s another reason why I was so adamant that I wouldn’t come here. I didn’t want the guilt I feel over my part in everything to come back.

The letter he sent through Tom though, this wasn’t the same brother I’m used to. It wasn’t the one that wanted to blame me for the way things turned out. When I first started reading it, I believ
ed he wasn’t even the one writing it because it sounded nothing like him. It wasn’t vindictive and cold. It was real.

So
here I am. My new life crashing head on into my past.

The difference this time is that when this is over, I’m not leaving in an ambulance. I’ll be
walking out on my own two feet. Safe and into the arms of the girl I’ve been in love with since I was three years old.

The large metal door opens
and I raise my eyes, more than a little eager to get this mess over with and I catch the eyes of the guard first as he positions himself on the wall. Slumping his way into the room next, handcuffs tying those fists I hate so much together, Dean throws himself into the chair, causing it to drag across the floor with a screech so loud I cover my ears. Another guard makes his way into the room, positioning himself on the other side of the door and that’s when the confusion sets in.

Why’s there
two of them when there’s no way in hell Dean can do anything with the way he’s shackled up?

“Apparentl
y, thanks to you, I’ve gotta have these two follow me around everywhere.” Dean clears up, the venom I’m used to rearing its ugly head.

Pushing down the anger I feel at seeing his smirk, I lean across the table and get straight to business.

“Not my fault the shit you were doing for years is actually a crime.”

“You gave back as good as you got, boy. If anything you should be in here beside me.”

“Funny thing about that, Dean. Apparently fighting back; it’s called self-defense.”

That wipes the smirk off his face just the way I hoped it would. The
boy he spent years beating on doesn’t have to take it anymore. This time, he’s fighting back.

“So I guess you got my letter.” He says, changing the subject and bringing us ba
ck to the reason I’m here.

“Yeah I got it. So here’s where you te
ll me everything she said. I want to know where she’s staying, who she’s with, and anything else she told you, even if you think it’s not important.”

“I’ll tell you what you wanna know, but I want to know something first.”

“No. You wrote that letter and got Tom to give it to me. You wanted me to know about Mom, so the only thing I want to talk about is Mom. Everything else is off limits.”

“It’s about Mom.”

“Fine. Ask.”

“I’m curious why you want to know where she is. I mean, she took off. I thought if anyone hated her as much as I did, it would be you.”

“Who says I don’t hate her?”

“Why would you wanna know where she is, who she’s with and anything else she might be up to if you hated her? Tell the truth, Kayden.”

This is what Belle and I talked about earlier. The way Dean and I are different. It should be as easy admitting it to my brother as it was saying it to her, but for some reason I can’t get the words to come out. I don’t want him to know that despite her running away and abandoning us, I still give a shit.

I don’t even like admitting that to myself. Loving her after what she did seems wrong.

“You know the saying, keep your friends close but your enemies closer? Well I wanna get her before she gets me.”

Its bullshit, but I’m selling it. It’s almost like being here, I’ve gone back in time to the way I
used to be and the bullshit flies. I can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s falling for it and for once I’m grateful for the way I used to be.

Dean doesn’t deserve to know the truth.

“You mean you wanna get to her before she lands on your doorstep and says or does something to hurt Belle.”

“Isabelle.” I clarify, hating the way the shortened versi
on of her names falls off his tongue. It’s another thing Dean hasn’t earned the right to do.

“Fine. Isabelle. I don’t hear you denying it though.”

“I can’t deny the truth. I don’t want her anywhere near Belle. So where is she?”

“You know the r
atty ass motel off Highway 403? The one leading into Wexfield?”

“She’s there?”

“Yeah. According to her it was the only thing she could afford with the small amount of cash she left with.”

The way he’s talking about her, I’m torn up inside. Conflicted. I want to know about her, yet don’t want to know anything about what she’s been doing or where she’s been for the last ten years. As much as I want the non-caring part to win out, I’m losing the fight because I care a little too much.

“What else did she tell you?”

“She’
s alone, for what it’s worth. The dude she took off with wasn’t anything more than a free fuck and chuck.”

“What else did she say?”

His face contorts, like he’s in pain and it makes my heart seize. I may believe a lot of things about Dean, I might even hate him, but this is a way I have never seen him. At least not since he told me she left. Whatever she said to him, it’s big.

“Kayden, you and me. We got our issues and I know a lot of it’s on me. I’m not a nice guy. I told Tom that if you ever came to visit, I k
new what I wanted to say and today when I walked in, all of it fell to shit. I went right back to blaming you for the shit I created.”

I don’t want to hear this garbage. He can sit here and act like he’s different. Try and sell that because he plead gui
lty that he’s somehow seen the error of his ways all he wants, but I don’t buy it. I’ll never buy it. He’s wasting his breath.

All I want is information about our mom. He can store the rest for someone who actually gives a crap.

“Just spit it out. I don’t wanna hear some preplanned speech. What did she say to you?”

“I don’t think I can tell you that.”

“Well, if you can’t tell me there’s no reason for me to be here. You’ve given me what I came for. Risk for reward. I’m done.”

Pushing the chair back, scraping it across the floor the same way
he did when he entered the room, I stand and prepare to leave. If he wants to hold onto whatever she said to him, so be it. It’s not important anyway.

“Kayden, what she told me. It’s not pretty.” He says before I can make my way completely around him.

“Since when has anything in our lives been pretty, Dean? Tell me what she said or I’m leaving and this time, I won’t be coming back.”

He opens his mouth to speak, but where I’m expectin
g him to finally break and admit everything, I get is the complete opposite.

“Where’s Belle?”

“None of your business.”

“She came with you,
didn’t she?”

“Again, none of your business, Dean.
I’m not in the mood to play games.”

“What she said, the reason she’s back and
what she’s been through, when you got here I wanted to tell you.”

“So tell me.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because you might think you’re hiding it, but you’re not. You don’t wanna know where she is so you can protect yourself or even Belle. You wanna know because you still give a shit. If I tell you what she told me, it’s gonna be like last fall all over again.”

I don’t follow. He’s confusing the hell out of me. How learning anything about my mom can be compared to what we
went through last year makes no sense.

“How so?”

“I’ll be hurting you.”

I can’t help it, I laugh. Dean actually feeling remorse for the hell he put
me through is laughable. A joke. If I didn’t know any better I’d think he was drunk again with the nonsense coming out of his mouth.

“Little too late to care about that now.”

“Kayden,” he starts and I flinch the minute his cuffed arm grabs onto my wrist, forgetting in the moment that I was still standing within his grasp. “I know Belle came with you. I know why you didn’t want her in the room, but there’s some stuff that I need to say to her.”

No way in hell am I letting him anywhere near Belle. He can keep dreaming. He’s already done enough damage just with the names
he’s called her over the years. The way he came after me when she was standing in the room scared out of her mind. Letting him get another chance to hurt her with his cold hateful words is never gonna happen.

Over my dead body.

“There’s nothing you have to say that she’s going to want to hear.”

“That’s where you’re wrong.”

“It’s not happening Dean.”

“If you wanna know everything Mom said to me…”

Shit. This is what I was afraid of. Well, one of the things. He’s not changing me into an asshole, the past isn’t colliding with the future or anything, but dangling this carrot under my nose, knowing how much not knowing is going to eat me up inside, I should’ve seen it coming.

This is Dean being Dean.

Can I really go along with this?

“Don’t do this shit. You and me, we’ve got a load of bullshit the size of the Titanic between us, but Belle, she’s innocent. Don’t dangle this and make me choose. If you ever gave a shit at all, you’ll just say whatever it is Mom told you and let me leave.”

I’m weakening and I hate it. It’s the damn conflict inside me. It’s so strong that I’m actually giving thought to bringing Belle in here and letting Dean talk to her just so I can find out more. Even if what I find out only makes things worse.

“I don’t want her to come in here so I can fuck with her head or whatever it is you’re thinking.”

“Then why?”

“What Mom did taking off,
it doesn’t just involve us. It involves her too and even though its ten years too late, I think it’s time she found out the truth.”

Belle

The last time I saw Dean Walker was in the middle of a courtroom standing beside Kayden as he detailed everything he’d been through over the last ten years while in Dean’s care.

Before that, it was the night I cou
ldn’t get my stomach to settle, found Kayden unconscious and bleeding.

The last way I want to see him is the way he looks now. I don’t like the things that he’s done, but I’m not a hateful, grudge holding person. As much as he deserves to sit where he is, it’s not the end I would have wanted for him. He might not have been a good person before, but I still had hope there was some good in there, even though history proved otherwise.

For someone who spends his days locked behind metal bars, he looks about the same.  I expected something more, or considering where he is, less. I expected his eyes to be dulled, his appearance disheveled, something that would show that what he’s been through is taking a toll on him, but there’s nothing.