All but My Life: A Memoir (25 page)

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Authors: Gerda Weissmann Klein

Tags: #Biography & Autobiography, #Historical, #Women, #History, #Holocaust

BOOK: All but My Life: A Memoir
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I could have inquired about him from the local Military Government but pride prevented me from seeking him out. I knew I had to wait.
The week end was approaching again. In the almost three weeks that I hadn’t seen Kurt I had come to hate week ends. On Friday evening a captain from the Military Government brought me Kurt’s letter. The captain chatted for a while, and I tried to make polite conversation, but my thought was of the envelope in my hand. Was it good-by? I tore it open. A dry flower fell out. No, that was not good-by.
The letter was dated June 27, 1945. It had taken almost three weeks to reach me. Kurt could not write to me directly: civilians weren’t allowed to receive mail yet. His letter had come through official channels. It was a long letter, starting with the thought that I could not get rid of him easily. The army, he explained, had abruptly transferred him to a distant town near Munich. He teased me about my first walk, wrote gaily about his environment, and about his few days of leave which he had used to visit the Austrian Alps.
The letter continued with the hope that I would write to him through the same channels. There was a postscript: “I picked this Alpine rose for you at twenty-five hundred meters.”
I read the letter again and again, relieved that my fears had been unfounded, and that I would have more letters to look forward to. And perhaps, as Kurt had written, I would see him again in the not too distant future.
THE NEXT DAY, SATURDAY, I SPENT WITH THE KNEBELS. LUNCH was served out in the garden under a sprawling tree. The modest fare seemed luxurious to me, and I enjoyed the sparkling silver and fine china, the beautiful tablecloth, and the floral centerpiece quite as much.
That luncheon was particularly good and I remember it vividly. There were fried potatoes, yogurt, and a big salad. For dessert there were field strawberries and the cream that had been removed from the yogurt. And with Kurt’s letter in my pocket, the world looked rosy again …
After lunch I took a long sunbath in a deck chair. At first I read, then I tried to think about the future, but pushed the thoughts away–the afternoon was too perfect. After a bit, I fell asleep.
I woke up feeling chilled. The sun was no longer shining. Heavy clouds hung in the sky, and gusts of wind were blowing through the trees. I ran toward the house. As I approached it the first raindrops fell. I had always liked rain, and I watched it now from the library window. Soon the gutters were rushing little rivers. Here and there leaves floated on the streams. I watched them journey.
“Miss Gerda!” Mrs. Von Garnier called. “Your dress is ready. Don’t you want to try it on?”
I tried it on before the mirror in her bedroom. The lines were simple and it fitted beautifully. It showed my new tan to advantage and made me appear healthier than I was. I kept the dress on and went back to the library.
It was close to six o’clock when the rain finally stopped, and I decided to go back to the hospital. I was saying good-by to my hosts when their doorbell rang. The maid opened the
door—and there stood Kurt! Not even in my dreams had I expected to see him so soon.
His raincoat and helmet were dripping, his uniform looked wet through and through. “I looked for you in the hospital, all over,” he said. “God, have you changed! And that dress! Are you still going to talk to me?”
I laughed.
Kurt had traveled for eight hours or more in an open jeep in the pouring rain over partially destroyed roads, and he could stay only until noon the next day, for he had to be back in Munich by night.
The Knebels invited him to dinner and to spend the night. He declined the dinner, but said that he would gladly accept lodgings, since it would be difficult to find others.
We left for the hospital. The air was sweetly scented after the rain. Heavy drops hung on the leaves.
After my supper at the hospital we returned to Herr Knebel’s. Only the younger daughter was present. The elder and the father had gone out.
Kurt was shown to his room while I waited in the living room. The windows were open, the evening was slightly chilly, and the fragrance of flowers drifted into the room. The furniture was old, dark, polished mahogany with brown leather upholstery; the room was quiet and orderly. That house had survived the war without change. I touched the big chairs; they felt cool. The fringed velvet portieres were smooth. I had known that room now for two weeks, but somehow I felt its character for the first time that night. I walked over to the open window and drank in the beauty and tranquility of the evening.
Kurt returned. For a few seconds we stood next to each other, not saying a word. He must have guessed that my thoughts were of home.
I felt painfully alone and forlorn in that house which so closely resembled that of my childhood, in a country so much like my own, standing next to a man who was so much like my family. Yet nothing there belonged to me.
Did Kurt sense all my thoughts, did he feel as I did? I
felt his arm around my shoulder, shielding me from my loneliness. His touch electrified me: it was the first affectionate gesture I had received in so many years. I was so starved for affection and protection that the touch of his arm brought tears to my eyes. Kurt pulled me closer and held me, stroking my hair. He did not tell me to stop, he held me tight and let me cry.
Suddenly, I remembered Abek. He had said we would cry when we met again, and understand each other’s tears and pain.
I looked up at Kurt, trying to form words with quivering lips. He put his finger to my lips: he did not want me to say what he knew would hurt me. Through my tears I could see that he was smiling, that his eyes looked gently and with understanding into mine. Those gentle eyes, that generous, smiling mouth–where had I seen them before? Long ago, in a dream, in Bolkenhain …
I buried my face on his chest, feeling safe and at peace at last.
Kurt walked me back to the hospital. For a long time I could not sleep. I thought once again about going home. If I did, would I see Kurt again? I resolved firmly to make a decision soon. I would talk it over with Kurt in the morning, I promised myself. He would know how to advise me.
Sunday morning we walked through meadows in which the countless buttercups and daisies seemed as fresh and well-scrubbed as the peasants whom we had seen walking to church.
Kurt tried to take pictures of me, but I did not let him. I danced over the grass, jumped just when he was ready to snap. He was annoyed but laughed.
We climbed a little hill and sat under a majestic tree. As we talked I regarded Kurt with wonder and some bewilderment. He was gay and teasing. Was he the same man who held me in his arms the night before? Were those the same lips that had kissed away my tears? Was it only last night? It seemed so remote. Perhaps it had been a dream. Yes, it must have been a dream.
For no reason at all I was afraid that he might try to kiss
me now. I sat rigid. Kurt noticed my silence. There was concern in his voice when he asked if I felt well. Then I told him what I had been thinking the night before, about going home.
He became serious at once.
“I would not advise you to go before you hear from your uncle in Turkey. He might have news for you about your family. I should have a reply from him soon. Besides, no matter what you may think, you are in no condition to leave the hospital yet. A journey home is not a matter of getting on a train; it would mean hardship and hitchhiking. There is no transportation yet for civilians.”
It was good to hear him speak of such things as hardships–a few weeks ago they would have been dreamlike luxuries. I listened earnestly, glad that he was offering me a reasonable excuse for delay, glad that he did not say what he must know: that I was afraid to go home.
When we returned to the hospital, Kurt’s jeep and driver were waiting. I asked Kurt to come to my room for a moment. There I gave him the eight essays that I had written for him.
He read the inscription on the first page of the crudely bound booklet: “To Kurt, a few episodes from my life–Gerda.”
“It’s your birthday present,” I told him.
He caught my hands and exclaimed, “It’s the nicest present I ever got or ever will get!”
A few hours after Kurt left, I walked to the cemetery, a quarter-mile or so away. Most of the old graves, with Czech names, were not tended, though some had fresh flowers on them. One corner of the yard had a large number of new graves. After some hunting I came upon Liesel’s grave. My knees felt weak, I sat down. Here, near me, was Liesel, who could laugh like silver bells on a sleigh, Liesel, whose dreams I knew, with whom I had played pretend about the future. I could hardly believe that she was there, her supple movements stilled forever.
After a time I went to find Suse’s grave. There too I put flowers, whispering her name. The sound was strange in the
stillness and again I felt terribly alone. Remembering Ilse buried somewhere under a tree, I knew that I must get away from the dead, away from the past, away from my thoughts. I had a future to face. Would my memories haunt me forever?
 
I made two decisions as I walked slowly back to the hospital. First, I would find out how well I was. Some of Kurt’s words had made me wonder if perhaps I was not aware of something I should know. Second, I would not go home until I could know for sure whether my parents and Arthur would be there.
Along with everyone in the hospital I had added my name to a list to be published in Sosnowitz, in Bielitz, and in all other towns where there had been Jews before the war. After my name was the information that I was looking for Papa, Mama, and Arthur, Abek, his people, and Ilse’s family. How long would it be before some news would reach me? Again I must push the days ahead and wait, wait to be certain.
My conference with my doctor was inconclusive. “You are as well as can be expected,” he answered. Then he corrected himself: “As well as no one dared to hope for. We will take more X-rays in a couple of days and give you a thorough examination after you are off medication. You say that you would like to occupy your mind and hands. This is a very welcome sign. You may, if you wish, help in the office and lab. I shall show you how to make simple tests, label bottles, distribute medicines. But–you should not work a lot, and you must get as much fresh air and sunshine as possible for your lungs.”
“My lungs, doctor?”
“Well, pneumonia and the exposure to TB. The sleeping in the snow did not exactly help.”
“I want the truth!” I insisted.
“There is nothing wrong with you as far as I know,” he repeated, “but I don’t know the whole truth yet myself. If I were you, I would not push my good luck too far.”
I let it go at that.
About a week after Kurt had left, another captain from the Military Government came to see me. He came quickly to the point.
“You are leaving for Bavaria tomorrow.”
I stared at him.
“You are going to Freising, to Kurt.”
A number of questions jumped into my mind, but I only said, “I am not going!”
Exasperated, seeing that he would have to do a lot of explaining, he pulled up a chair. “When Kurt was here last week he came to see me. There has been talk that our division might withdraw from here: we might be replaced or perhaps this zone will belong to the Russians. Kurt made me promise that I would bring you to safety if we should withdraw. We have our orders to leave. I will take you to Bavaria tomorrow.”
“How about the other girls?” I asked.
“We have been thinking about that. We are trying to work out an arrangement whereby the girls who are well can, if they wish, go to Bavaria. For those who remain we shall try to maintain the hospital as long as the American occupation is here.”
Troubled by this new development, I spoke to a number of girls about the prospect of going to Bavaria. Many were willing to go and I learned that some girls whom I had known in Grünberg were supposed to be in Cham. Cham was in Bavaria and quite close to Volary. The girl who gave me this information said she would join me if I should decide to go there. Her name was Mala Orbach and I had struck up an acquaintance with her as a result of her knowing a boy who was stationed with Kurt. The possibility of finding some of my friends in Cham and of learning about others, perhaps of my family, made my decision easy in the end. I would not go to Kurt, but I would go to Cham and there I would decide what next.
That night I went to bid the Knebels good-by. They were sorry to see me go, and gave me some lovely presents–some underwear and a kerchief–as well as an address of some of
their relatives who lived in Bavaria, near the Swiss border. They urged me to try to keep in touch with them.
I spent a sleepless night. In a sense I hated to leave Volary: there were so many pleasant memories here, in spite of the tragic ones.
When I awoke I had an excited feeling of anticipation, of adventure. I also felt buoyant and exhilarated, and deeply touched by the thought that Kurt should care so much about my safety.
When the Military Government captain returned for his answer I informed him that I was going, not to Freising, but to Cham.
That was all right with him.
I sought out my doctor. After giving me a favorable report on my latest X-rays, he handed me my discharge papers from the hospital. With it was an envelope as well.
“What is it?” I asked.
“Your wages,” he said.
“My wages?”
“Yes, of course–for working in the lab,” he said in a matter-of-fact voice.
I understood and was grateful. I did not have a penny of my own. Later, when I opened the envelope, I found a sum many times over the amount I felt my help had been worth.
I packed the few clothes I had, a prayer book that had been given me, my collection of snapshots, Kurt’s letter, a few books, a couple of sheets of stationery, and some pencil stumps. All my worldly goods …
For one fleeting moment I wondered what I would do if it turned cold or started to rain–I didn’t own a coat or a sweater. But I quickly dismissed the thought: it was the end of July, and the weather was fine. Then I laughed a bit at myself, thinking how I had slept out in the snow not so very long ago.

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